3 month relationship ended

[pipsi]

I am writing regarding a recently ended relationship. I am late 30s, she was late 20s so there was a 10 year difference between us. We met on an online dating app. She works for a medial practice in a back office role, and I am a specialist physician for a different group. My income is 12x hers which I suspect played an initial role in the relationship.

We met for a date and immediately had mutual interest. She was beautiful all around, shy, and quiet. I had initial suspicious that she was abused as a child which were confirmed later. She grew up raised by a single mom with multiple kids from different fathers. Her father was not around. Our initial relationship was based on me taking her out and treating her exceptionally well. Lots of fancy dinners, took her out for her birthday to the best place in town. I ignored multiple red flags which I should not have done. Her family history, her dating history (last two guys needed extensive therapy), poor financial decisions, did not go to school and was struggling with credit card debt.

I admit I have some narcissistic tendencies myself and in previous relationships can be quick to discard after a short while. But with her I felt a connection likely because she mirrored me and idealized me. I was in the process of buying and remodeling a house and she took an interest in the entire process.

After the first month or so I noticed unlike prior relationships she did not text me that often. I suspect this is because lack of object constancy. One day she knew I had a minor medical procedure and she did not even ask how it went. I confronted her about this and she said she would work on it and she was afraid I was going to end our relationship.

At one point she said she was struggling financially and she would start driving for Uber. In hindsight this was a likely ploy for me to pay her cc bills and I did pay one of her bills. When I took her to the bank to pay she said she was embarrassed but she accepted it. She told me she loved me and I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

In month 3 I took her to a 5 star resort two hours from us. I noticed she was becoming a bit more distant and irritable. At times she would complain that I was not giving her enough attention "stop looking at your phone" and other times "stop looking at me when I am taking my meds". I suspect this was fear of both engulfment/abandoment.

Moving forward there was a weeknight where I had to re-schedule a dinner date to the next day due to working late and checking on the house remodel. The next day when I went to pick her up she was ICE COLD. I found out in hindsight she had starting liking some other guys photos on social media. She likely had other guys in the pipeline which I did not know at the time.

One saturday morning in month 3 I had to cancel a plan with her due to meeting at the house remodel. Later that evening I took her and her roommate out to dinner and paid for both of them. The next day we had a large argument where she yelled at me at the phone. She said I did not text her enough and that I just had to cancel plans with her. She just couldn't understand my life. I was so shocked that she would yell at me like that on the phone after everything I had done for her. The next day I broke up with her via text. She said it was so hurtful and broke down. She couldn't sleep and was started on multiple new medications, but she never tried to call me to talk.

A few days later she wanted to talk in person but then she cancelled that. I felt very relieved to be free from her, but after 2 weeks I started to miss her. I reached out to her and she was ice cold, she was probably already seeing someone else. She just never had the same level of interst. I got her to come over and she was extremely tearful and angry. She said I was leading her on and did not pay enough of her CC bills, I did not buy the tickets for our Winter trip. I told her she was being unreasonable and that we had months to buy the tickets, and that last time I paid her CC she was embarrassed but I would help her. I paid more of her CC (big mistake).

Later that week she did not answer my calls and she was assuredly with someone else. A few weeks later I reached out again and we had dinner like old times. She was someone more normal. She came over and we had sex but then she left. She invited me over to her apartment the following day and again was back to being ice cold. We were laying in bed and she had rejected my advances so I just got up and left. After that she blocked me on social media and my phone number. This was 4 weeks ago.

This was only a 3 month relationship which ended 3 months ago, last contact was 4 weeks but I had never been through anything like this. I admit I have some NPD qualities and I have been going to therapy and improving. But there are days I think about her and the idealization phase, knowing it was not real but it still hurts. Does anyone have any wise words?

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[pipsi]

I just wanted to add a few more things. The reason why I wanted her back after the breakup was mostly physical - her beauty, the sex, etc, and the initial feelings of idealization which were long gone. She had turned into a cold callous person. She had a very rough upbringing and was sexually abused at a young age. I realize that she had a child like emotional state and the relationship could never work because it was a co-dependent relationship. I had to provide for her emotionally, financially, physically etc. Even when I had issues in my life or at work to discuss with her, she was not able to muster up any verbal or emotional support for me. It was always all about her. In addition to me that she split - she had a long history of splitting people in her life friends, siblings, her mom. She is also very quick to cut people out of her life and does not really ever chase men or her prior partners (quiet BPD?)

[SaltyDawg]

The reason why I wanted her back after the breakup was mostly physical - her beauty, the sex, etc, and the initial feelings of idealization which were long gone. She had turned into a cold callous person. She had a very rough upbringing and was sexually abused at a young age. I realize that she had a child like emotional state and the relationship could never work because it was a co-dependent relationship.

pipsi,

   Welcome to BPD Family.  From what you have described, it would seem you want to have a better understanding of what happened to you, so you can get some closure.  Having a medical background, you will likely want to look up the term "love bombing" which has often been called "sex bombing" even though these are not medical terms, it will describe the 2nd symptom of BPD in the DSM 5 more commonly known as the "narcissistic abuse cycle" which is common to most of the Cluster "B" PD's.

   When a woman is hypersexual, it is usually for one or both of two reasons.  One is to prevent being 'abandoned' the first symptom of BPD in the DSM 5, the other is to do emotional/psychological 'self-harm' to relive the sexual abuse they had as a child - a very unsettling thought to say the least.

   You mentioned that this relationship was a codependent one, and you should not be in it, and that takes strength to recognize.  You also are self-aware of your narcissistic traits and are actively working on that, that too is a good thing, as most people who are PDed are not self-aware.

   Since you are on the 'bettering' board - are you interested in reviving this relationship?  If so, why?

   Be aware, many, not all, will 'recycle' (a.k.a. h-o-o-v-e-r) after a period of time.  If and when she does this, you need to decide what is best for you, whatever, that might look like.

   All of this can be quite stressful, so be sure to do self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care, with self-care.

SD