Having a very hard time.

[thepixies21]

This new year has just been a reminder of the things I’ve lost and not gained. Almost 15 years ago my mother died. We had a difficult relationship, I never felt loved. She forced me to wear makeup since around age 12 and would lose her mind if I tried to leave home without it. She would throw things, scream and yell. She tried to force me to get plastic surgery. She made it known she was disappointed with the daughter she had. Nothing I ever did measured up.i was always terrified of her. We never talked about those days before she died. I took care of her even when she was delirious: I have vivid memories of her screaming at me that I was an asshole while I held her arms so she wouldn’t yank out her IVs in the hospital. She knew every member of my family even delirious, but I was the “nurse”. When she died it broke me. Everything stopped. I screamed when I saw her body in the ICU. I remember trying to hug my father for comfort and he said “is this some kind of test” when I held in too long, almost like he thought it was something sexual. It felt like such a deep betrayal, there was no one there to comfort me when she died. I met my husband a few months later,it wasn’t healthy but it was some stability in an environment where I otherwise never felt loved. And the pattern continued, and to be honest still does. He gets too angry, he screams and throws things, and I try to make him feel better. I get scared, I tell him I love him and that I understand. Because it’s what I know. Even if I hate it, even if I know I’m doing the wrong thing. I’ve been trying to prepare myself to leave for the last year, probably longer. I’m terrified of what happens after that. I have no real promise of support. My family is full of generational trauma and while I know they love me, they have no idea what to do. To some degree they probably think what’s happening is fine. But I know this isn’t what I want. I’m f***ing miserable and this is no way to live a life.i have no safety net, and no real idea what a  healthy life is supposed to be. But I know it’s not this.I am just so deeply sad tonight, and I feel so deeply alone. Every time I make a friend, things are great until they hear about where I come from, and then I’m too much. It doesn’t seem real to them. But I’m going to keep going, because I have no idea what else to do.. I hope there’s a better future for me, and I hope somewhere out there are kind people who at least try to understand what I’ve been through, and at least try to believe me. And I hope they are kind. More people need to be kind. I’m sorry, tonight is just a bad night. Thank you if you read this.

[Turkish]

Intergenerational trauma is likely why over half of us are here whether most realize it or not. It took me coming here to realize that about myself.

I never felt loved

I'm sorry... are you safe?

To me, being safe is performing to be or for love, but that isn't real, and transitory... but it's what we do to survive. Can you relate?

[thepixies21]

Intergenerational trauma is likely why over half of us are here whether most realize it or not. It took me coming here to realize that about myself.

I'm sorry... are you safe?

To me, being safe is performing to be or for love, but that isn't real, and transitory... but it's what we do to survive. Can you relate?

Hi there, and thank you for responding. I was having a pretty bad day, and a lot of things hit me all at once. I think I just needed to get things out, and I'm doing much better. I do have people that love and care about me, and I'm working hard at accepting that I can't change the relationship I had with my parents. I am safe, even if things aren't where I want them to be. I'm still working on taking more steps towards leaving my uBPDh, and I felt a little frustrated with myself for not moving quicker. He has not thrown anything or had any huge angry outbursts in some time, and I've been keeping up boundaries with him. I think it was just looking back at the last year, and wishing I had done more, but I'm trying to accept that this all takes time, and I need to be ready to take the steps internally before I really do it. Part of that is going to mean accepting that I feel like I am enough, I like who I am, and I need to stop trying to seek validation or reassurance from people who are not responsible for giving that to me. It's like an easy escape when I do that, and it allows me to not take a look at myself and try to do it on my own. I think my codependency is very similar to any addiction in that way. But I have friends and family that love me, and I'm focusing on them and feeling grateful for that. Today is a new day, and a new chance. :-)

[Pook075]

Hey Pixies, thanks for sharing.  We've chatted a little on the site over time but I never knew your story until now, thanks so much for sharing.

I remember when my marriage collapsed, my brother in law was dying of cancer.  So I was visiting him and my sister in law and we sort of compared our misery- my brother dying and my wife betraying/abandoning me.  We couldn't decide which was worse but they both cut to the bone.

I believe in generational curses and I've talked about my brother's family here recently after some really tragic stuff with my BPD daughter and niece.  It sometimes feels like people are so used to pain and misery that they're drawn to it like a streetlamp on a foggy night.  That's true for my kid and it's also true for my entire brother's family- every single one of them have a tragic life story centered around some type of abuse and regret.  But one of them did "escape" that cycle and go on to have a happy, healthy marriage and a successful life with her husband.  She had to cut all ties though and never look back.

In your situation, you're doing what you've always known.  There is a very different life out there though where you get to choose happiness.  Maybe you don't have many options...but there are still options, even if it's a halfway house for women of domestic abuse.  I know someone locally that runs such a place and there's 10-20 women there at any given time.  They come in broken and leave 6-12 months later smiling and energized by the possibilities in life.  I bring that up only to say that there are many ways out of your situation if you decide to go that path.

I can't give you any answers here- I just hope that you can see the possibilities.  None of us have to settle for abuse and we can choose a different path at any point in our lives.

[thepixies21]

Hey Pixies, thanks for sharing.  We've chatted a little on the site over time but I never knew your story until now, thanks so much for sharing.

I remember when my marriage collapsed, my brother in law was dying of cancer.  So I was visiting him and my sister in law and we sort of compared our misery- my brother dying and my wife betraying/abandoning me.  We couldn't decide which was worse but they both cut to the bone.

I believe in generational curses and I've talked about my brother's family here recently after some really tragic stuff with my BPD daughter and niece.  It sometimes feels like people are so used to pain and misery that they're drawn to it like a streetlamp on a foggy night.  That's true for my kid and it's also true for my entire brother's family- every single one of them have a tragic life story centered around some type of abuse and regret.  But one of them did "escape" that cycle and go on to have a happy, healthy marriage and a successful life with her husband.  She had to cut all ties though and never look back.

In your situation, you're doing what you've always known.  There is a very different life out there though where you get to choose happiness.  Maybe you don't have many options...but there are still options, even if it's a halfway house for women of domestic abuse.  I know someone locally that runs such a place and there's 10-20 women there at any given time.  They come in broken and leave 6-12 months later smiling and energized by the possibilities in life.  I bring that up only to say that there are many ways out of your situation if you decide to go that path.

I can't give you any answers here- I just hope that you can see the possibilities.  None of us have to settle for abuse and we can choose a different path at any point in our lives.

I definitely get the generational curse. It really feels like a riptide, like you can't escape it, and even if you do well for a while, it always feels like one little slip up and I'll be pulled back in. This s*** is hard. But I think it will be worth it. I have friends I can stay with when the time comes to leave, and I have a plan if any of those behaviors come back, I have a bag packed and can stay with said people, he doesn't know where they live. At this point, I think it's just a matter of me needing to feel confident in my own ability to take care of myself, and my ability to handle the aftermath.

[Pook075]

I definitely get the generational curse. It really feels like a riptide, like you can't escape it, and even if you do well for a while, it always feels like one little slip up and I'll be pulled back in. This s*** is hard. But I think it will be worth it. I have friends I can stay with when the time comes to leave, and I have a plan if any of those behaviors come back, I have a bag packed and can stay with said people, he doesn't know where they live. At this point, I think it's just a matter of me needing to feel confident in my own ability to take care of myself, and my ability to handle the aftermath.

It's funny, I work with a Christian mentorship program for recently released inmates and I just spoke to someone in a very similar situation.  He said to me four different times, "I want to do this and move on, but I'm worried about all the variables."  There will always be things to figure out though that are outside our control, so you can't let that part stop you.  If you have to crash on a friend's couch for a few months to figure out the next step, that's not too bad in the grand scheme of things.

As far as the aftermath, that may actually become a blessing in disguise.  You're on the fence about your marriage and it's possible some distance could be just the thing that creates the spark for real change.  But even if it's not, the #1 priority right now is for you to heal mentally outside your current situation.  It's impossible for you to see what you just can't see right now because you're in the middle of the situation.  Time and space will give you that clarity...while also allowing you to heal.

Again, I'm not saying whether to stay or go; that's 100% on you.  The option is there though for a fresh break and it's great that you already have a short-term plan in place.  Let us know how we can help!

[thepixies21]

Actually, a lot of those feelings I shared in the first post came up for me after finishing the last season of the show Barry, which is great, but I was not expecting some of it to actually affect me. If you haven't seen Barry yet, spoilers ahead, sorry!

Shows like this always kind of get to me, I had the same reaction and full on anxiety after watching Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. Just watching these people who have these impulsive/compulsive urges to do destructive things that they know they shouldn't, and then as the show progresses you see moments where they realize it and try to do better, but then they ultimately fall back into their usual pattern and cycle. Obviously I'm not doing anything like the people in these shows, but I do attach my value to other people, and how I feel about myself tends to live and die on how they feel about me at any given moment. I am very worried that I won't be able to break the cycle I'm in, that I'll be like these characters, I'll try to do better for a while, then something triggers the urge and I'm right back in it again. I think I'm worried this is who I am, and I think that's why these shows fill me with so much dread.

Barry affected me a lot, because there is a character named Sally in it who left her abusive husband and then as the show progresses ends up with Barry, who she thinks is a kind and stable person, and ignores a lot of red flags that he isn't. I mean Sally's character isn't great either, and I don't necessarily relate to the character on a personal level, but there is a scene where she talks about her cycle of abuse, and how she "stays for the apology". And later on, you see the pattern replay with Barry, where he screams at her and humiliates her at her job, and she completely reverts back to apologizing, that she loves him, buying him presents and trying to anticipate his needs to show she loves him. Just trying to convince him that she's of value. Then his character barely acknowledges her efforts, blandly accepts her apology, and that's enough. She's back in it. It messed with me a lot. I can relate to that, even if it's embarrassing to admit that. Sometimes you get an apology, most of the time it's barely an apology. But no change in behavior, no real effort to acknowledge the unhealthy pattern. So yeah, I stay for the apology. Hoping if I do things just right, if I say things in just the right way, it will change everything. Just hoping to get a small "reward" of them validating me, of saying all the right things, even when I know none of it means anything. I stay because I'm scared of what happens when I walk away.

But I really, really need to believe that I can choose the right thing then when the time comes. I really want to be able to prove to myself that I can meet and anticipate my own needs, even if it doesn't feel like that when you're in the heat of the moment and you want to just appease them. I'm sick of this pattern. I'm sick of being in the cycle. There's no more "reward" when you know what comes next. I just need to remind myself that this is an addiction, not love, and finally focus on trying to be enough for me.

[Pook075]

Could you be like Sally?  Sure, a lot of us are.  I am with several people in my life that I probably should have cut loose years ago.  But at the same time, you have to realize that Sally is a one-dimensional TV character who is seen through a lens.  More likely, we're Sally and Barry and Rooseneau and many others all in one.

I guess my point here is that you will mess up in the future and make some bad/dumb mistakes.  I will as well, just like every other person on the planet.  Being a kind and compassionate person is not a curse or a burden, and it doesn't mean that's who you will be 100% of the time. 

Past mistakes do not define you once you're ready to let them go.  But you have to actually be ready to start the next chapter of your life.