Need help on how to handle

[Need-advice]

My adult daughter has BPD and moved back home due to money and I’m new to trying to set boundaries and what to do when her anger goes from 0 to 100.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Need advice
It can be tricky enough sharing a home with an adult child, let alone an adult child with BPD. It is difficult to know what suggestions might be helpful without more information, so what I am saying is just general - it may be completely inappropriate in your situation.

I have adult dd and her child living with me and the most helpful thing for me is to have the mind set that this is a 'sort of' share house. It helps me to not slip into being a parent role.

The boundaries you set are those you need for yourself. Once again this can vary so much and whether or not your dd will adhere to the boundaries. For example, my dd's room is in an awful mess. For some people this would be intolerable. I just take out the rubbish and vacuum occasionally. She does bits occasionally.

I think it is important to identify your boundaries and to talk to dd as soon as possible. Don't set ones that you know she will break unless they are important. For me the bottom line is that my dd doesn't bring her friends here.  Think about:

- what will happen re meals/buying food
- cleaning/laundry
- coming and going - a time when you want the doors locked?
-bills

In my opinion the boundaries need to be able to be enforced so think through what would be the consequences if they are broken. This often means that there are few boundaries because the obvious consequence is that 'you will have to move out if you  , , , '. In my case I would rather have the messy bedroom than dd being on the streets.

Some time ago my dd came home out of a violent relationship - both of them. When she came home she was withdrawing from ice addiction. Her outbursts were frequent and very bad. One day I told her that it was better for me not to respond to her when she was angry because she needed time for her emotions to settle.

I started this 'greystone rock' and it has been the best thing. In the early days I had to stop myself jumping in with responses, explanations or even retaliation to the awful things she was saying.

The slightest thing can trigger awful anger and verbal (sometimes physical for some) abuse. I know this is part of this awful illness so I let the words float past me. I never engage when things are said in anger or even just in a 'touchy' tone. I can see when my dd comes out of her room she seems to be looking for something that is not right so she can 'have a go' at me.

Quite a few times now my dd has mumbled that she is aware that she 'unloads' on me - and I am always glad to know this.

As I say I don't know if any of this is helpful - every situation is different, every person is different. Please post again if you want to look at some things that are specific to your situation. Sometimes 'chewing the fat' with someone who understands can make things clearer in your own mind.