Difficult to deceive my hwuBPD when planning my escape.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am ready for a two day escape from my hwuBPD.  But friends have warned me not to surprise him by leaving when he’s out, so that he’ll come back to an empty home. They say he’d be furious, and could become violent when I return. I think they’re right.

I had planned to leave while he was at a doctor’s appointment. I’d text him, letting him know that I was safe, once he returned and realized I wasn’t home.  And then I’d come back in two days.  But that may not be the smartest way to handle it. 

Apart from business trips before I retired, I’ve never spent a night away from home. So this is a big deal for him.  I’ve floated the idea of getting away for a spa weekend, but he panicked and said it would only mean our marriage is falling apart and I need time away from him. Bingo! He saw right through it. And he got very angry and verbally abusive. But who is he to try to keep me trapped at home?

I guess I’m going to need to lie and say that I’m going to visit a friend for a couple of days. I’ve already started planting seeds, telling him I have a girlfriend who is going to have knee surgery soon, and she may need my help for a couple of days.  This friend lives many miles away from us. My only fear is that he’ll want to drive me to her house. Then the jig would be up.

Truth is, I just want two peaceful days ALONE, in a hotel room, so that I can relax and perhaps heal a little, as well as think straight! But I’d need to lie and say I’m with my girlfriend, so that he won’t blow up.

He’s been extremely manic since the warm weather kicked in. The other day, he drove to four different parks in four different towns, all  in one afternoon. He pushes himself. It’s like he’s trying to get something out of his system. He goes nuts, telling himself he MUST be out of the house, everyday, because it’s sunny.  But he can’t just take a walk. He has to do a lot of driving or a lot of something,  exerting himself, to make it OK, in his mind. I’ll never understand it

I’ve got to get some time ALONE.

I guess eventually, I’ll come up with the perfect lie, although I’m not good at lying.  I fear he might see right through it.

This is so unfair! I feel trapped.  But I’m determined to get out. I MUST.

I’m so glad that I can vent here.

Thanks so much.

[JazzSinger]

I am ready for a two day escape from my hwuBPD.  But friends have warned me not to surprise him by leaving when he’s out, so that he’ll come back to an empty home. They say he’d be furious, and could become violent when I return. I think they’re right.

I had planned to leave while he was at a doctor’s appointment. I’d text him, letting him know that I was safe, once he returned and realized I wasn’t home.  And then I’d come back in two days.  But that may not be the smartest way to handle it. 

Apart from business trips before I retired, I’ve never spent a night away from home. So this is a big deal for him.  I’ve floated the idea of getting away for a spa weekend, but he panicked and said it would only mean our marriage is falling apart and I need time away from him. Bingo! He saw right through it. And he got very angry and verbally abusive. But who is he to try to keep me trapped at home?

I guess I’m going to need to lie and say that I’m going to visit a friend for a couple of days. I’ve already started planting seeds, telling him I have a girlfriend who is going to have knee surgery soon, and she may need my help for a couple of days.  This friend lives many miles away from us. My only fear is that he’ll want to drive me to her house. Then the jig would be up.

Truth is, I just want two peaceful days ALONE, in a hotel room, so that I can relax and perhaps heal a little, as well as think straight! But I’d need to lie and say I’m with my girlfriend, so that he won’t blow up.

He’s been extremely manic since the warm weather kicked in. The other day, he drove to four different parks in four different towns, all  in one afternoon. He pushes himself. It’s like he’s trying to get something out of his system. He goes nuts, telling himself he MUST be out of the house, everyday, because it’s sunny.  But he can’t just take a walk. He has to do a lot of driving or a lot of something,  exerting himself, to make it OK, in his mind. I’ll never understand it

I’ve got to get some time ALONE.

I guess eventually, I’ll come up with the perfect lie, although I’m not good at lying.  I fear he might see right through it.

This is so unfair! I feel trapped.  But I’m determined to get out. I MUST.

I’m so glad that I can vent here.

Thanks so much.

[ForeverDad]

Then don't lie. By that I mean do go to your friend's home.  But then after a while you can give your excuses (I've decided it's too quiet, it's too noisy, etc) and thereafter find your hotel.

And if you're concerned you'll greet an outraged spouse when you return, then bring along a friend who you've promised something, fetch it and then only if things are manageable does your friend depart.  The key to reducing possible conflict is to ensure you're not alone, most pwBPD act out only in private situations.  Well, mostly.

[Notwendy]

This is a horrible idea. A secret escape plan is needed when planning to leave an abusive partner for good. It’s a last resort done when trying to leave is a dangerous situation. It’s not for a two day break with plans to return. Understandable that your relationship is difficult and you want a couple days to yourself. Your H is being controlling out of his own fears and you are contemplating being deceitful out of your fears which will confirm his and cause him a lot of distress. If you need two days - be up front about it. It’s difficult but not nearly as difficult as what you will face for deceiving him.

[Notwendy]

To add- I don't think wanting to get some time to yourself is a bad idea- it's that by doing it this way, it's going to result in a huge emotional reaction from him. It's also hurtful to deceive someone and even if he's being hurftul- it's adding to the drama and is likely to escalate the situation.

Better to go ahead and actually arrange a visit to see a friend or family member and do that. Maybe that friend can come over to pick you up if they are nearby. If he has trapped you in the house- that is an abusive situation. I would call a DV shelter/therapist for advice. There are situations where an escape plan is advised but this is for leaving for good, not walking back into the situation 2 days later.

[JazzSinger]

Then don't lie. By that I mean do go to your friend's home.  But then after a while you can give your excuses (I've decided it's too quiet, it's too noisy, etc) and thereafter find your hotel.

And if you're concerned you'll greet an outraged spouse when you return, then bring along a friend who you've promised something, fetch it and then only if things are manageable does your friend depart.  The key to reducing possible conflict is to ensure you're not alone, most pwBPD act out only in private situations.  Well, mostly.

Forever Dad,

I think this is a great idea! Thanks so much.

Just getting two days to myself, so I can think before planning my final escape, is crucial.  And enlisting my friends in the way you suggested, takes away the lies as well as some of the fear.

I was really struggling with this.

Thanks again.

[JazzSinger]

To add- I don't think wanting to get some time to yourself is a bad idea- it's that by doing it this way, it's going to result in a huge emotional reaction from him. It's also hurtful to deceive someone and even if he's being hurftul- it's adding to the drama and is likely to escalate the situation.

Thanks, NotWendy.

I do fear his reaction, regardless of how I get out for a couple of days. Because it’s been eight years since I spent time away from home, and that was on a business trip.  This is VERY scary for me, but I have to do SOMETHING, or I’ll lose my mind.

Better to go ahead and actually arrange a visit to see a friend or family member and do that. Maybe that friend can come over to pick you up if they are nearby. If he has trapped you in the house- that is an abusive situation. I would call a DV shelter/therapist for advice. There are situations where an escape plan is advised but this is for leaving for good, not walking back into the situation 2 days later.

I think even doing a real visit will set him off.  In his head, it means I need time away from him, and he won’t like it. 

You’ve made me realize the seriousness of my situation. He’s a 6’4” , 300+ pounder who is quite volatile and unpredictable.
I will think long and hard before making a move. And perhaps I will contact a DV shelter therapist for advice.  Because who walks back into a crazy situation like mine? Again, I have a lot to think about.

Thanks again.

[PeteWitsend]

I agree with notwendy. 

Your situation and desire to be away is totally understandable, but you know regardless of how you do it, he's going to be upset.  Do you think he'll be more upset if you give him a chance to be part of the planning, or spring it on him unexpectedly?  I don't know him personally, but I'd expect the latter to cause more issues.