What might you do

[Oftenataloss]

I have an adult daughter, age 54 who lives in another state, diagnosed with BPD and a dew other things. She was pretty okay until she was 13 and it has been the usual roller coaster that you all know too well. She finally married a fellow ten years ago who seemed to be a good man but they both had addiction issues. They kicked it but she was taking Vicodin, I believe, for chronic pain. Her physician retired and because she has history she wouldn't see another doctor thinking she was just drug seeking. So, she goes to Methadone clinic every morning and he took an oral drug. A couple of years ago now, he fell off the wagon, recently ended up in rehab and is now taking some medication given IM to prevent relapse. He's home and wanting to move in a couple he met at rehab, and have already relapsed. He claims they're his "best friends". My daughter said No and No Way and Absolutely not. Good call. Anyway, she now has a lot of health issues, some chronic and long term and some more recent. She has a chronic cough and trouble breathing, takes meds for blood clots, etc and after one of her recent ER trips is convinced she has lung cancer. She refers to herself having cancer a lot, refers to herself as very sick, and thinks she is going to refuse chemo and radiation. She has chronically low platelets from cirrhosis but has not been diagnosed with cancer and is not being worked up for that. And she still smokes. Anyway, I have sent her money, her sisters and I have rescued her, prior to her marriage she had been in and out of shelters, living in a car briefly, been with terrible men. The same as so many stories I read here. I have so loved her almost 8 years of relative stability but she is completely and totally dependent financially on her husband. During their marriage, before he got completely off drugs and actually got a good job, I have helped them. A lot when he had leukemia and got a bone marrow transplant. Well, he recently lost his job, OD'd quite a bit, and then ended up in rehab. I'm concerned because if they don''t get it together soon, and he doesn't get another job, they aren't going to be able to pay rent, pay for the car, or much of anything else. She has floated the idea of coming to live with me for quite some time. I had actually considered it at one time. However, their marriage hasn't been very peaceful, and when he went into rehab she went off the rails. The texts from her were back in to  the most vile things, the kind she used to send when raging. She was particularly mad that her husband's parents were so supportive of him going to rehab and all of the attaboys he got while she was home with no means of support, no money, and "dying of cancer" and being so chronically ill. I paid her rent for two months, his family paid the car payment, and in all I've sent $4000 to keep her afloat until he got home. It looks like he's going to leave, maybe with his new best friends, and I don't think I can have her live with me. She seems like a normal person when things are going well but the second they don't off she goes. I am soon to be 78 and am worried about all of it. She wants to live with me, use my car to go to the Methadone clinic every day and re-build her life, which includes making friends. That last part worries me as much anything because the friends she's had so far aren't good. The ones that were she alienated. I now live across the street from my eldest daughter and in a house she owns. When something happens to me my daughter will be here with only her SSDI. Not enough to pay the mortgage. The other two girls are exhausted from the years dealing with her and the trauma she caused to the family when they were all young. Sorry this is so long and probably rambling but ohmygosh, I can't desert her now but I really really really don't think I can have her live with me. Anyone have a similar situation?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Oftenataloss,

Would you be deserting her, or watching out for and taking care of and protecting yourself? I'd be worried that you'd be at risk for elder abuse if you were to take her in.

My mom would be a little older than you now, but in the past, she took in so many low functioning friends, and not a one didn't take advantage of her, stole from, or abused her though she meant well.

It must hurt to see your daughter hurting, and self-sabotaging, but you can love her from a distance, with boundaries, even while still helping her. What do your other daughters say?

[Sancho]

Hi Oftenataloss
Just when you thought things had settled! It is so often the case - why I think many of us caring for a bpd loved one suffer symptoms of ptsd!

I am getting on in years myself and I am often thinking about the future and how this pans out for my pbd dd. She does live with me and it's chaotic but I have found a way to manage. I understand completely the problem of the 'friends'. That's why I put up a boundary of no one else staying here. It's been difficult to enforce - at one time in the middle of winter dd moved into a tent with a guy, but I held out until that eventually broke up.

Periods of relative calm are often followed by times of complete chaos.

I've been thinking about your situation. My thoughts go to your dd's cirrhosis diagnosis. She is probably aware that it's a progressive illness and can lead to liver cancer, so I am not surprised that she talks about cancer quite a bit and sees symptoms eg the cough in terms of 'this is it - I've progressed to cancer'. She has some concerning health issues that's for sure and if she is a long time smoker she is at the age when the consequences might start to surface - eg someone I know aged 57 has just been diagnosed with Interstitial Lung Disease from smoking.

I know it's probably not possible but I would be trying to find out whether the cirrhosis is compensated or decompensated. The reason my mind goes to this sort of thing is that I think it would make a difference to my decision making on this issue for the long term.

You clearly have  sense that things are going to fall apart very soon and you will be put in the position of being asked if dd can come and live with you. Are there any crisis accommodation options available that she could turn to? If so, that might be the best option because they may be able to set her up with support network.

You clearly love your dd very much. Like all of us here, you have been through the mill on the journey will a bpd child. We go around in circles and it is so chaotic, so painful.

To me the big question would be whether things were short term or not. If not, I would be looking for crisis accommodation options, deciding what support I could give without having her at home, and hoping other support systems could be put in place.

The situation is different for each of us though, because we are the ones who know our child. I am hoping this crisis blows over and the relative stability can be restored. Thinking of you . . .

[Oftenataloss]

Thank you both so much for your replies. My daughters apparently discussed this recently and are adamant that she not live with me. One issue is that I have moved into a house my eldest daughter bought and is across the street from her. It was an unexpected opportunity; I pay all the expenses of course. If DD lived here and I moved on to the heavenly home, she has no way to even pay the mortgage of $1400 let alone anything else. Her disability is around $1200. Then my daughter would have a big problem. The other daughters did not discuss this and were concerned because of everything else. DD would be watching every nuance of my relationship with the other kids and sure she wasn't being treated fairly or equitably. Despite the fact that I've been rescuing her with resources and finances for the past 34 years. She says it's "only money" and I shouldn't be so in love with it. I've spent thousands upon thousands for her. I think if she lived here it would end up being more like me living with her as she is very dominant.  We have lived in different states since she was 18 due to unbelievable legal issues when she was that age. Nothing I have ever done, since or prior has ever made any difference. When she is good she is very very good but when she is bad she takes everyone down with her. I feel like I cannot bring her here over the objections of everyone.  I just wish she would be a bit proactive regarding her current position. I've given her many suggestions on how to ensure her security and she won't discuss or follow up on any. I think she is going to let herself get into the most desperate of situations thinking I won't be able, then, to do anything but fly her here. Her current mantra is I'm hungry, I'm sick, I'm alone, and I'm hungry. So I sent her another $100 and all silence. I will hear from her again when that is gone. I am so appreciative of you all here, and those who replied. There is likely no good answer but it is so good to talk to you who understand.

[Sancho]

Hi Oftenataloss
I agree that the housing situation is such that it would be impossible if dd was there and something happened to you. If your other daughters have said 'no' then it's not possible even short term.

When we get on a bit in years it's hard not to think of 'what will happen if  .. . .' when we are supporting a bpd adult child. Even when they have times of relative stability there is always the potential to go into crisis again.

In my case I am trying to work hard to renovate my place, sell it and move to a small apartment that I will then leave to dd as a 'life interest' - ie she can't sell it, but can live in it or rent it out. When she dies it will go to grandchildren.

I can't do anything really about the chaos of my dd's life - I just want her to have a roof over her head.

Things change so much for people with bpd. I am hoping that this upheaval will settle and things will become more stable again. Fingers crossed!

[livednlearned]

Despite the fact that I've been rescuing her with resources and finances for the past 34 years. She says it's "only money" and I shouldn't be so in love with it.

 

It sounds like she doesn't "love" your boundary.

I've given her many suggestions on how to ensure her security and she won't discuss or follow up on any.

Isn't this the issue, then? You're being a loving mother, and you even have faith in her that she can solve things. But she doesn't really want that.

It sounds like quite a big dysregulation, and her partner leaving (?) is likely triggering all kinds of abandonment issues.

Steady as she goes, light as a feather. Just because it's her dysregulation doesn't mean it has to be yours too.

I try to have a north star for myself so my values are clear. Your other daughters are helping you with that. Then hold steady and repeat the same thing over and over, with love.

It's easier said than done, I know. But a boundary is a boundary is a boundary. If living with you isn't an option, it's not an option, no matter how furious she might be.

There are so many ways we can be there for our loved ones if they would just receive what's being offered.