>Feeling Lost

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello
I’ve just joined here as I’m starting to wonder if my husband has BPD.
We’ve been married 22 years and have 3 children.
He rages over minor issues, blaming everyone else and storms off, usually shouting how he is ‘sick of everyone!’ Locks himself in his study for the night and gives everyone the silent treatment. When he calms down he acts like nothing has happened (no apologies) and expects the rest of us to treat him like he did nothing wrong. He used to buy me flowers & chocolates in the past which I hated because it felt so manipulative but he doesn’t even do that now.
He has told me to F off or F you in anger when we haven’t even been fighting, he just didn’t like or agree with what I was saying.
He threw some new clothes that I had bought off the couch in anger onto the floor because he wanted to lay on the couch, ranted and stormed off to his study for the night.
It’s always someone else’s fault for his behaviour. He has a victim mentality, it’s always ‘don’t blame me’ even when blame isn’t coming up in the conversation. The one time we came close to separating he said he would ‘die alone’ if we did, so I felt guilty and nothing got resolved.
He had another rage a week before Christmas and no apology, just super nice afterwards. I can’t get past it anymore, I’m so tired and feel emotionally defeated. I barely talk to him yet he acts like all is good with us, still calls me ‘hon’ and touches me as he walks past which makes me cringe. There is no intimacy because I cannot bear him to touch me anymore, I never say I love you or even touch him affectionally.
I don’t understand why he thinks we have a loving & healthy marriage. How can he not see how emotionally and physically detached I am?
I want to leave him but our situation is complicated due to the health issues of one of our children. I’m so lost and miserable and don’t know what else to do. .

[RPR24]

Hello
I’ve just joined here as I’m starting to wonder if my husband has BPD.
We’ve been married 22 years and have 3 children.
He rages over minor issues, blaming everyone else and storms off, usually shouting how he is ‘sick of everyone!’ Locks himself in his study for the night and gives everyone the silent treatment. When he calms down he acts like nothing has happened (no apologies) and expects the rest of us to treat him like he did nothing wrong. He used to buy me flowers & chocolates in the past which I hated because it felt so manipulative but he doesn’t even do that now.
He has told me to F off or F you in anger when we haven’t even been fighting, he just didn’t like or agree with what I was saying.
He threw some new clothes that I had bought off the couch in anger onto the floor because he wanted to lay on the couch, ranted and stormed off to his study for the night.
It’s always someone else’s fault for his behaviour. He has a victim mentality, it’s always ‘don’t blame me’ even when blame isn’t coming up in the conversation. The one time we came close to separating he said he would ‘die alone’ if we did, so I felt guilty and nothing got resolved.
He had another rage a week before Christmas and no apology, just super nice afterwards. I can’t get past it anymore, I’m so tired and feel emotionally defeated. I barely talk to him yet he acts like all is good with us, still calls me ‘hon’ and touches me as he walks past which makes me cringe. There is no intimacy because I cannot bear him to touch me anymore, I never say I love you or even touch him affectionally.
I don’t understand why he thinks we have a loving & healthy marriage. How can he not see how emotionally and physically detached I am?
I want to leave him but our situation is complicated due to the health issues of one of our children. I’m so lost and miserable and don’t know what else to do. .

[Cat Familiar]

  Welcome. Whether or not he has BPD, he is behaving in a way that is making your life difficult and unpleasant and seemingly has no self awareness nor care about that. He shows an inappropriate emotional reaction to seemingly inconsequential issues, feels like a victim over things where there might be some accountability on his part, then expects everyone to forget how unkindly he behaved and just move on, as if nothing happened. Could very well be BPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or both, or something else. This is not how an emotionally healthy man behaves!

Since he is who he is and behaves the way he does, you cannot do much to change his behavior, but you can change how you respond to it. Way easier said than done, however. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page for some ideas about defusing conflict and strengthening your boundaries.

You have considered divorce, but due to health problems one of your children has, you’re not sure this would be a suitable solution. Can you elaborate?

[RPR24]

Thank you for your reply.

We have a disabled child and the house has been modified for my child. So I can’t just take the kids and leave.
And if we split up we would have to sell the house as I can’t afford to buy him out. I can’t take that independence away from my child.

I feel like I’m trapped.

[Cat Familiar]

OK, understood. No easy solutions here. I'm in a similar situation, as my husband became disabled last year and I’ve had to modify the house, plus completely change any expectations about the relationship.

The most frustrating thing about your situation is coming to the realization that your husband can behave badly without any consequences and you feel trapped, due to circumstances beyond your control.

When I first came here, I’ll admit that I was really annoyed when people told me I had to change, when it was my husband whose behavior was making my life miserable. “So now, after I’ve been putting up with this awful situation for so long, I HAVE TO DO MORE?????” was the thought that went through my head.

The reality was that he could’ve have his *hissy fits* and then he’d be back to *normal*, while I’d be seething and any leaked expression of my anger would result in him telling me I was “hanging onto things” that were past tense. Maybe they were for him, but not me!

The most difficult acceptance for me was that I was in a *special needs* relationship, and now, since his stroke, it’s special needs on a physical level as well. It was hard to let go of the romantic fantasy with which he initially lured me into this relationship. Even at the worst times, there were still glimmers of that *honeymoon phase* I so adored.

But the truth is that he is an emotionally damaged individual with little incentive to change. And that I wanted things to be different meant that I had the burden of making ANY and ALL changes in the relationship.

To my surprise, once I began responding differently to some of his behaviors, patterns in our relationship did change for the better. Some of the strategies he had relied upon to get his way began to no longer work, and eventually he gave up on some of his tried and true manipulative tactics.

It’s easy to sum things up in a post, but don’t get me wrong, it takes time to change long-standing habits, both for myself and my husband. I’ve recently been doing therapy again and in the intake process I spoke about my relationship. Currently the most frustrating issue is my lack of time due to his needs. However, I’m getting a lot of new structure in place that’s giving me more free time. When the therapist asked me what I wanted to work on with regards to my relationship, I sort of surprised her and myself when I said that mostly I’ve got that handled and that 75% of the time is good; what I really wanted to work on was trauma from childhood on that has led me to marrying two men with personality disorders.

Next November will be 10 years since I joined this site. My first posts were filled with anger and rage. I was so disheartened that this man, who I thought was a saint when I married him, turned out to have quite a devil within. But compared to my first husband, he truly is quite saintlike!

I share my story because there is hope for a better future. I’ve learned a lot in the last decade. I’m way more assertive; I don’t suffer fools; I’ve developed an ability to be detached; and I take much better care of my emotional well-being.

If I’d known what lay ahead of me in the future with this relationship, I likely would have passed. However, having such a problematic partner has taught me far more life lessons than I ever would have voluntarily taken on. And in reality, my husband is truly a good person, underneath some of the noxious BPD behavior.

TLDR, the lesson for me is that he’s welcome to behave like an azz, which he does from time to time, but I no longer participate in his drama, and without the audience, he ends the performance much sooner.

 

[ForeverDad]

The old saying... where a door seems closed, a window opens somewhere.  In other words, think positive, there may be an answer somewhere you just haven't encountered yet.

[RPR24]

Thank you both for your replies.

In an ideal world, I guess the best solution would be for us to both stay in the house but be separated. However, he won’t do that. If we split he said we have to sell the house.

One of my teenagers is getting fed up with his behaviour and says he wants to move out, the disabled child and he clash all the time, and my other child puts her hands over her ears if husband even raises his voice, even if it’s not with her.

I feel like I am damaging my kids staying with him but I don’t see a way out. I can’t talk to him about this because he would automatically blame everyone else.

Today he was stacking the dishwasher and I put my glass in there and instead of saying thank you he said ‘I’m doing the dishwasher now’ as if my putting the glass in there was having a go at him! Its so draining living like this

[RPR24]

I can’t do this anymore.
We are on holiday at the moment, I was having a nap after being at the beach. Woke up to my husband yelling at my son then he stormed off to another room.It was over a glass of orange juice, he wanted to change the glass my son had an my son didn’t want him to. Husband obviously has control issues.

My daughter came in to my room, she looked really scared. I asked her if she was sick of her dad yelling and she said yes and burst into tears. Asked if we were going to divorce but said she didn’t want us to split up. Other teen took off for a walk, said the other day he wants to move out. I told him I was going to deal with this situation, he said ‘don’t get yourself hurt’. He obviously thinks his dad is capable of physical abuse

[RPR24]

Then husband acts like normal, wants to know why teen is quiet and went off for a walk. Says he had a ‘small argument’ with other son, no acknowledgment of his inability to handle minor situations that annoy him.
He has no idea how his behaviour affects us. I can’t let my children continue to be in this situation. I have zero affection for my husband. I’ve been reading about anger issues and so many suggest working with your partner to overcome it. I don’t want to. I want out. I feel like I have nothing left to give him I’m tired of him getting angry and then acting like nothing is wrong.
I want my kids and I to be happy and safe. I want out but I don’t know how to even begin.

[ForeverDad]

He has no idea how his behaviour affects us.

Yes he does.

Then husband acts like normal, wants to know why teen is quiet and went off for a walk. Says he had a ‘small argument’ with other son, no acknowledgment of his inability to handle minor situations that annoy him.

This pattern is reported here quite often.  Whether he is disordered or just is grumpy or has a short fuse is less of a determining factor on what to do than his behaviors overall.  The children are essentially terrorized, never knowing when or what will be the next outburst.  It's like they're in a war zone not knowing when the next bomb will explode.  PTSD can be the result.

However, he seems to be aware of his behaviors, excusing them and will likely minimize them to others such as first responders, if called.

I can’t let my children continue to be in this situation.

Holidays, family events and even minor things can trigger more frequent or more extreme outbursts.

You and your children would benefit from counseling.  Likely your spouse would refuse to participate.  You could start by calling local DV hotlines and getting referrals from local children's agencies.  This may not be seen as outright abuse but it is still harmful for the rest oft he family.

These days separation and divorce are the typical long term resolution.  For that you'd need to start with multiple legal consultations (often free or at minimal cost) with a few family law attorneys to determine local and state laws, as well as some practical strategies.

No one wants to admit failure in the family unit.  But it does happen and taking action to address it is better than fretting while "deer in the headlights" doing nothing.

[kells76]

Hi RPR24;

One starting step that can help is getting "initial consultations" with a few attorneys (aka lawyers or solicitors, depending on where you are), where you describe your situation and concerns, and ask how they would approach it in your area.

Often, these initial consultations can be free or low cost. They are not the same as "retaining" a lawyer, so you do not have to scrape together a huge amount of money to "retain" the person you consult.

It is very normal to do multiple consultations -- I'd recommend at least 2, so that you have some comparison. Lawyers know that just because you chat with them, doesn't mean you'll work with them. Don't feel bad for doing a few consultations before retaining one -- or not retaining one at all.

Sometimes you can learn enough in these consultations to give you confidence that things will go better than you thought. It can be easy to believe what pwBPD tells us, due to how emotionally convincing they are, and how scared and worn down we are. Sometimes you don't even need to then retain a L (though it's not a bad idea).

You don't have to believe that you won't be able to stay in the house, or that you'd have to buy him out. Have that be one of the questions you ask in a consultation: "In our area, in my circumstances with a disabled child, is it inevitable that I couldn't stay in our accessible home? Or are there ways that I could stay, even though I couldn't afford to buy out H?" Maybe there are solutions that aren't visible to you, but are well known to lawyers.

I was able to set up a few initial consultations over the phone on my lunch break at work. A couple of them were just making appointments, but one -- the L we ended up retaining -- actually talked with me for like 30-45 minutes, for free, on the phone, about our situation. If you have ~30 minutes free during your day, where you can get groceries alone, for example, you can use that time to make the call. Make sure that your call record will be confidential to you alone. Consider using a friend's phone if you have concerns about your call info showing up on a shared bill.

In the USA, as soon as you even talk on the phone to a lawyer about a conflict with another party, they are no longer able to represent that party. So anyone you call and talk to, can't then do that with your H.

Make sure you keep these consultations confidential from your H.

...

Another thing you can think about doing is some online research about disability law in your area. If you Google search something like "[My Area] disabled child divorce law", you may find some cases or information that is relevant to your situation, that can show you a path forward.

...

None of this means "you have to divorce" -- you can do consultations and then decide not to move forward. Generally, though, it can be more helpful to have the information and never need it, than to need the information and not have it.

Hope this is helpful food for thought;

kells76

[RPR24]

Thank you both for your replies.
Just a quick post as we are in the car heading home from our holiday.
He threw my son’s jacket at wall in anger because he didn’t like my reply when he asked why it wasn’t packed away. He is now happily chatting in the car like nothing is wrong.
That is not normal behaviour.
I am going to ring the domestic violence organisation next week. I am so done.

[livednlearned]

A lot of us listen to our partners about what will happen if we split -- but they're not experts on how things work, usually.

My n/BPDx husband was a former trial attorney and I believed him when he said he would get the house, get full custody, etc.

None of it was true.

He liked to rattle my cage.

I wasted a lot of time not understanding what was possible, what was fair. Gather information so you understand your options. Gather information from different sources -- attorneys are like mechanics. Some are fair and good at what they do, and have the skills to fix what's broken or at least get you from point A to B.

And sometimes there are angels who show up that you never knew were out there.

It's tough when the relationship has broken down to a degree where you feel contempt for your partner -- that's really tough. But there may be some communication and relationship skills that can help your kids going forward, and maybe help head off some of the outbursts. I don't know that I could've done that toward the end of my marriage, but I can see how I could've helped try and turn some of the heat down so that my son didn't struggle as much.

[EyesUp]

Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

If your H is a control guy, the advice you've received so far re: discretion is likely super important.  There are a few things you can consider as you explore resources.

- get a google voice number and use it when contacting legal and social services, or for any purpose where discretion makes sense.  keep your calls off the family phone bill, etc.
- manage your search history and/or use "incognito" mode when searching for resources
- consider keeping a concise personal log or journal as you embark on this process. it's both for you - to help remember what occurs in emotionally charged moments - and potentially, eventually for your legal and/or social service providers. A password protected digital file is the way to go. 
- keep your phone password protected, or if that's not possible - use discretion when using your phone - consider learning about hiding folders and apps
- if your H is truly prone to constant outbursts and you and your kids are fearful of emotional abuse turning to physical abuse, consider how to discretely use a voice recorder.  this could be your best evidence if your H will deny his behavior to you, to authorities, and/or to himself...

Sorry if any of this seems alarmist - but hopefully this gives you some ideas about how to take back some control, even as you navigate an often chaotic process.

I know legal consultations were suggested above.  You may also find that there are free or very low cost social services for people - especially women - in high conflict / abusive situations.  You might start with this type of service, because some of those folks may already know and be in a position to recommend the right legal resources who are already experienced with this type of situation.

Please don't hesitate to post and let us know how you're doing.