Had to move back home

[n0mad]

Due to losing my job during covid followed by a year of cancer treatment and a new sketchy landlord who was desperate to kick me out so he could raise the rent (from $800 to $1500; if I paid the $1500 I could get back in), I was forced to give up my apartment that I shared with my adult daughter. She has two significant anxiety disorders and is on disability so there was no way to meet that kind of expense. My Dad told us to move out here with them. For the summer I lived in an RV which was good, we had space, but over the winter I am having to share a bedroom in the house with my daughter.

I have always been my mom's favorite target but it's been pretty good for several years so I thought it would be okay, just needed to get to spring. However, living so close and attending the same church has proved to be a problem. She's clearly been saying things that have painted me as something I'm not. She even covertly invited the pastor over to set me straight. She told him that how I talk in the ladies Bible study is a problem but manipulated it to sound as if the other women had gone to the pastor and complained about me. I don't know what all she told him but he came to the house seemingly ready for a fight and so after interupting me multiple times with false accusations I put my hand up and said (I did not yell although I did raise my voice to be heard over his) "listen." He lit into me like I was a rebellious child (I'm 57). I was so thankful my daughter was listening from the other room because now I'm being told that it was all my fault for "attacking" the pastor and that I definately started it. I did shout at him but that was after I was berated for several minutes.

My daughter came forward a few days later when Mom (with Dad in tow) was accusing me. She told them that it wasn't true and tried to say what she had heard but Mom wouldn't let her speak and got right in her face (nose to nose). My daughter was afraid Mom was going to hit her and angrily said "don't touch me". That's when my 80 year old dad who always without fail backs my Mom up no matter how insane she gets, told my 30 year old daughter to "go to your room" and proceeded to try to push her through the door. My daughter stood her ground so he gave up.

What a complete hash. Everything has cooled down and Mom and Dad are acting normal again but my daughter and I are a mess. I feel like I've been flung back to being a kid when I was constantly being accused of things I never did and punished for them. If I tried to defend myself or give proof that I did no such thing, I was yelled over, called a liar and told that I was going to hell if I didn't "smarten up".

Now I want it made clear that the Pastor here is a good man. Clearly he has been led astray by some deeply skewed information. I sent him an email (the idea of seeing him right now literally makes me want to vomit). He wrote a kind letter back saying that he could see my point of view. I did not tell him that my councelor told me he was sure Mom had undiagnosed BPD. I can't say anything because of the situation and so I remain looking like the crazy, lying one. It's like being back in the nightmare again. Mom had come so far I thought it would be okay to live here until we could get back on our feet; but now this!

[TelHill]

n0mad,

Welcome to the forum. 

I made the same mistake in 2018 after years of living away from my parents. My mother seemed to have mellowed with age. My former therapist told me those with BPD improve with age according to studies. (They received their PhD in Psychology from Harvard and is a pt prof at a local university. Am not showing off. Am simply showing how wrong therapists with fantastic credentials can be!)

She hadn't changed at all. It was the same abusive behavior towards me, the scapegoat of my FOO. My mental health deteriorated to where I started to become somewhat agoraphobic and developed a deep depression.

I left and moved back to a home I own. Am never being a caregiver to her again. It's been a struggle to get my emotions and life back. The pandemic and the isolation it caused didn't help.

Is there a way to move elsewhere, even temporarily? Could you & your daughter rent a room in an apartment or house? I'm in a HCOL area where it's not unheard of for 2 adults (not partners) to share one bedroom. The kind of drama you experienced with your mom and dad will continue to happen. It never stops.

I'm going to out myself to say I'm a landlord. Not all of us are predatory or greedy. I don't mind charging a bit below market rate for a reliable, quiet, clean and honest tenant who pays rent on time. There's a saying that no tenant is better than a bad tenant.  It might take some effort to find your own place with a reasonable landlord. I think you might have a good shot with a mom and pop small landlord rather than renting from a large corporation. It doesn't hurt to try.

[CC43]

N0mad,

Your story made me angry, as I recognize the bullying behavior in your mom.  I bet she's also projecting.  She's accusing you of being a liar, which is exactly what she is doing when she's talking behind your back with the pastor, "triangulating" him into the drama.  She's telling you to smarten up, when she's the one who should do that.  It seems she likes to fight, and she's picking one with you, to try to regain control.  Maybe she's upset because when you moved in, your mom lost some control.

It must be hard moving back in with parents.  The natural tendency is for people to revert to their historic roles--and adult "children" are relegated to a child's role.  Children get bossed around, and it's very hard to take.  It might also feel like you are invading your parents' space, no matter how welcoming they might have seemed at the outset with an invitation for you to move in.  People forget how hard it is to adjust to a new living situation.  The older one is, the more ingrained the daily habits.

You seem to have enough already on your plate with your daughter and recent illness.  I think you should try to find your own place as soon as possible.  Your parents are too old to change.  All the best to you.

[n0mad]

I've been looking for a place but the situation is complicated as I also have a dog. She is an emotional therapy dog (I was told by my councelor that I/we should never be without one because of the PTSD. We've had her for almost five years now and just recently lost our cats to old age. Neither my daughter or I would do well without her. I'm willing to move anywhere in the province though so I'll keep looking.

It's odd. Now that the original emotions have settled I can see things more clearly. I believe the problem was that I was gaining popularity with the women at the Bible study. I should have known better than to go but I was lonely and it was nice to connect with like minded people.

I posted a message on the group facebook messenger though that didn't share any names or personal identifying information. I said that I knew who was behind the problem and that I forgive them. She read the message and turned around at her desk and said, "I forgive you too." That's as close as I'll ever get to an apology so I'll take it. Just glad she didn't lose her mind but I thought it would work as it gave her a way out anonymously. Things have since calmed down but she knows I'm never going back to their church or her Bible study so that helps. I think with the BPD she felt threatened like she was going to lose something so now the threat is gone. Soon I'll be back out in the RV and that will create even more space. This will have to do until I can find a place for us to live. But I've stopped trying to have any real conversations with her. It's all small talk. Slam a big invisible wall up there.