Why can't I stop feeling like *I'm* the bad guy?

[CaffeinePlease]

You can also call law enforcement to do domestic assistance. They do it often.

I have that in mind as a backup option -- I am playing a skillful act of dodgeball trying to keep my 7 year old from knowing anything is weird at all. I know I can't do that forever but the very fact that he is still blissfully ignorant is something I am proud of. If I have to call, I will, but if I can make preparations ahead of time to just boogie off and stay at a hotel without scaring the kid, I will 100% do that. Thank you!

Undermining it can weaken how the system views your own perspective on your own safety, and will adjust accordingly.

If you are worried about undermining yourself, is there someone you can call to get a gut check before you act?

I have several people. And not talking to H directly will help -- he is very convincing on the phone (no doubt because he is genuinely distressed, I don't discount that) and as long as I can avoid direct communication, I should be able to get by.

I am concerned now that he will take time off work and we won't have anywhere to go until the hearing, but I will deal with that if it happens. I have some contingency ideas.

[livednlearned]

I am playing a skillful act of dodgeball trying to keep my 7 year old from knowing anything is weird at all. I know I can't do that forever but the very fact that he is still blissfully ignorant is something I am proud of. If I have to call, I will, but if I can make preparations ahead of time to just boogie off and stay at a hotel without scaring the kid, I will 100% do that.

I cannot express enough how much I understand this 

I had my son stay with a family I trusted -- I didn't go into the details but they knew it was a crisis. He stayed with them while I frantically tried to create a seamless experience for my son (9 at the time). It's amazing how resourceful we become when necessary.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's a lot of dread and anxiety to manage, while also trying to make everything seem normal.

You're not alone 

[ForeverDad]

Another concept of wisdom I've learned here:
Be careful to avoid saying you're "not fearful" sometimes.  If you're fearful of what he might do then it makes sense that it would pervade your entire life while together.  That he sometimes is less bad doesn't matter, that hovering anvil is still hanging over your head, so to speak, all the time.

The gist of my point is that if he or his lawyer can get you to say there are times when you're not "fearful" then the opposition may push that the legal perspective may not kick in and be considered actionable.  Does that make sense?  Essentially, if you're asked whether you're fearful, the answer is yes, all the time, because you never know when the next incident may occur.

Why is that a risk for us?  Our natural impulse is that we are so inclined to parse a question and say whether in a moment of time we're not living in fear.  Just trust that the overall environment you live in is the sum of it all, not little pieces that are less bad.

[CaffeinePlease]

Surprise surprise, he showed up around 8.

I asked him to leave. He wouldn’t — he said he just wanted to talk to me (after I told him I would refuse communication until after the hearing). So I got the kids so we could leave and he blocked my car in with his car and took the keys to my second vehicle.

I called the police. They show up, can’t do anything because it doesn’t say he can’t be at the house and he isn’t hitting me, yada yada. I explain his history and why I got the TRO, but they just say to call if he self harms. I almost laughed because several of them HAVE BEEN TO OUR HOUSE BEFORE for that reason and done nothing. I tell them I just want him to move his car so I can leave.

His parents show up (he called them to “talk sense into me”) and convince him to leave and stay with them. He's saying he’s not going to work until this is fixed. But he still fails to see the problem that I clearly laid out that I would try to work through things with him but he needed to stay somewhere else in the meantime so I would feel safe. He doesn’t respect my space and emotionally pushes me into corners trying to get his way even though I don’t think it’s intentionally malicious.

So kids and I are home alone again. If he shows up tomorrow I will have to ask to work on the road and take the kids out of town to stay with my brother until the hearing which removes me from my support at work. I can’t afford a hotel for two weeks.

[CaffeinePlease]

Somewhat more surprising, he showed up at 3:30 AM. This one was far more annoying as getting the kids up to take them to a hotel where I would pay full price for a few hours was less than ideal. I ended up staying up to supervise him so I'm running on dreams and caffeine this morning.

Will take the kids to stay at a hotel tonight, probably.