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[rayndance]

Today, I added the number of consecutive safe days. 23. Then what I have been avoiding - counting the latest consecutive assault days before that. 45. My bones and bruises are healing. I will have posted this for three reasons. 1. I'm not a hugger or a crier, but this week is my first back to work, except a couple days in January where I wore a hat and mask, and I have not stopped wanting to hug and cry but I can't, and I'm ok with seeking sympathy right now. 2. To help me commit to not going back. I think I am resolved, and I am just now starting to feel angry and see how bizarre it was, but I am having tactile, sweat-drenching, going-back dreams like I used to have using-again dreams (sober people, know what I mean?). 3. Should I ever bother to tell him the stuff I confirmed to made the beatings stop, were never true? e.g. I stopped taking HIV meds to intentionally infect him (I never had HIV), I've been buying meth off a cop I've been having an affair with for a year (nope), I planned to murder him 5 times (not true either)? Or should I just leave it all as is?

[kells76]

Hi rayndance, welcome back 

Sounds like some big stuff has happened in the last few months. At least one assault that caused bruising and impacted your bones -- that sounds really serious to me. And I think I'm tracking with you that you have decided to be done with the relationship?

If you're up for it, can you talk me thru a bit more of what's happened over the last couple months? Are you staying somewhere else right now, or is he? Have you been able to reach out to a crisis line (like the national DV line at 800-799-7233) and get any feedback on your situation?

I will have posted this for three reasons. 1. I'm not a hugger or a crier, but this week is my first back to work, except a couple days in January where I wore a hat and mask, and I have not stopped wanting to hug and cry but I can't, and I'm ok with seeking sympathy right now.

To me, it seems pretty normal to hope for support as you open up about the truth of what happened. I think you'll find you're in good company here. I know many members have exited DV relationships; you're not alone and it can take a lot to open up about the attacks 

2. To help me commit to not going back. I think I am resolved, and I am just now starting to feel angry and see how bizarre it was, but I am having tactile, sweat-drenching, going-back dreams like I used to have using-again dreams (sober people, know what I mean?).

What's your support system like right now? Are you seeing a counselor or therapist at the moment? Just thinking that having multiple people in your life who know about your situation, and your realistic assessment that as much as you want to be done, you may struggle, could help.

3. Should I ever bother to tell him the stuff I confirmed to made the beatings stop, were never true? e.g. I stopped taking HIV meds to intentionally infect him (I never had HIV), I've been buying meth off a cop I've been having an affair with for a year (nope), I planned to murder him 5 times (not true either)? Or should I just leave it all as is?

Honest questions: why would you want to be in touch with him, and why would it matter what he thinks about you?

...

Hang in there and keep posting -- we'll be here for you.

[rayndance]

I'm in a DV shelter, so I have support. It matters not so much what he thinks of me, but how much pain he carries forward. I cannot imagine believing your wife is trying to kill you is much less painful than me believing he will accidentally kill me, and I wish I could lessen that for him. I blame myself for letting him develop the habit of beating me to say literally verbatim whatever he wanted me to.

[rayndance]

like, literally verbatim. it would take me several tries to recite whole sentences word for word. I think I read that is a BPD problem. What caused a lot of pain, physical and psychological, was when he made me fill in the blank, or tell him what he said when he had not said anything, or tell him what I said, when I did not, and I had to get it right. Id have to look for subtle clues I was close, and sometimes the beatings lasted until morning. When I finally guessed the word or sentence right, he would say, "you knew that from the beginning, right?" Followed by, "why did you make me hit you?" Anything other than yes, and to f wirth you, wasn't worth the threat of more.

[kells76]

I'm in a DV shelter, so I have support.

Good to hear. What have they said about your situation?

It matters not so much what he thinks of me, but how much pain he carries forward. I cannot imagine believing your wife is trying to kill you is much less painful than me believing he will accidentally kill me, and I wish I could lessen that for him.

It sounds like there were actually two people in the relationship who were in pain, not only one.

When we are in emotional pain, it is our own pain -- inside of us.

As adults, we are responsible for our own feelings. I don't have the power or control to "get inside someone else" and change how they feel. I do have the power and control to take care of my own feelings and my own pain.

I hear you have a lot of compassion.

I wonder what it'd be like for you to turn that compassion on yourself?

Let him learn to manage his own feelings. He is an adult. It is actually loving and caring to allow other adults to handle their own pain.

I wonder if it would feel difficult, frightening, uncomfortable, or something else, for you to turn all that caring energy on to you?

I blame myself for letting him develop the habit of beating me to say literally verbatim whatever he wanted me to.

Have you shared that thought with the DV shelter team? What did they have to say?

like, literally verbatim. it would take me several tries to recite whole sentences word for word. I think I read that is a BPD problem. What caused a lot of pain, physical and psychological, was when he made me fill in the blank, or tell him what he said when he had not said anything, or tell him what I said, when I did not, and I had to get it right. Id have to look for subtle clues I was close, and sometimes the beatings lasted until morning. When I finally guessed the word or sentence right, he would say, "you knew that from the beginning, right?" Followed by, "why did you make me hit you?" Anything other than yes, and to f wirth you, wasn't worth the threat of more.

To me, that's pretty serious and frightening.

There was some part of you that knew, at some level, that that wasn't OK. That part of you took care of you and got you out and to safety -- so resourceful.

If you listen to that part of yourself again, what might it be saying to you?

...

Glad you're keeping us in the loop;

kells76

[TheRedLion]

Hi rayndance,

I'm so glad to hear your safe, taking good care of yourself, and sought out support in a DV shelter. Getting out of a BPD relationship is incredibly hard—even more so when there's the additional element of full-on physical abuse.

It sounds like there were actually two people in the relationship who were in pain, not only one.

When we are in emotional pain, it is our own pain -- inside of us.

As adults, we are responsible for our own feelings. I don't have the power or control to "get inside someone else" and change how they feel. I do have the power and control to take care of my own feelings and my own pain.

I hear you have a lot of compassion.

I wonder what it'd be like for you to turn that compassion on yourself?

Let him learn to manage his own feelings. He is an adult. It is actually loving and caring to allow other adults to handle their own pain.

I wonder if it would feel difficult, frightening, uncomfortable, or something else, for you to turn all that caring energy on to you?

I really want to echo what kells76 said.

When I was going through my breakup, one of the things that frightened me was my dxBPD truly believed all the horrible things she accused me of. For so long I had prided myself on being the one who was different than all the others in her life (everyone else was supposedly "abusive"), the one who treated her with respect and kindness and was able to take care of her emotional needs, even when they were disregulated and showed up in abusive ways.

My therapist told me some wise words that stuck with me that mirror what kells76 said. "You are not responsible for, and can't control your partner's emotions."

What he was telling me is that no matter how much I cared, no matter how much I tried, I couldn't stop dxBPD from feeling those emotions. No matter how much I walked on eggshells, or told her that I loved her and wouldn't abandon her, she still would accuse me of ridiculous heinous acts. If she needed help and support, she needed to start first with herself and see that there was a serious, serious problem. I tried many times to show her that there was a problem. It never worked—she needed to come to that realization on her own.

What you can do is start to understand your own emotions and responses. Why do you feel the need to alleviate his pain when he caused so much pain to you? How are you feeling today? What have you been doing to deal with traumatic experiences you've gone through?

23 consecutive days of safety is something to be incredibly proud of. What are your next steps to get to 50?

One final important question which kell76 touched on. Aside from taking care of him, what do you think you would benefit from telling him that his accusations were false? Any reasonable person would know you weren't trying to infect him with HIV—why do you think telling him now would be different? If you were to say something, what would you say? Do you really think he'd internalize it?

Please take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing

[rayndance]

"Let him learn to manage his own feelings. He is an adult. It is actually loving and caring to allow other adults to handle their own pain."
I know it intellectually, but practically, it sucks. Thanks for Kells76 and TheRedLion. Updates, I fired my therapist at the shelter because she wanted to explain that it is wrong to let him have the apartment and pay for his food. He does not work and that is sort of my business. I am moving out, and now sure I am not going back. I made two hours a day for contact, but he still blows up my phone at midnight, 3 am 5 am etc. Some days he is super sweet, and some days not so much. Im frustrated because I sent him a pic of the racoon eyes 2 months out, so he photoshop filtered it and sent it back to me, with comments about how beautiful I am. And he wants to take a road trip with him. Either he blocked out the memory of the one days before I left, or he photoshopped his memories so it was actually not hellistic. I can't get the image out of my head of standing in a corner naked face bleeding down my body, and him telling me to smile while he punched me in the stomach and head. Called my smile a sneer. I found out a couple days ago, when I tried to smile for a selfie, the left half of my face doesn't work, so of course I can only smile halfway. I do know that half my forehead has nerve damage, my right side came back ok. He's right-handed, btw.
So now, he is still texting me making connections that aren't there, about my attempts to murder him. I see you guys responded to this already, but maybe different words would help me? He is actually suffering. I have been deleting everyting between communication times, most of the time. But today I listened. He says how f'ed up it is. I cant convince him I was not trying to murder him by cop. Or putting dog food and drugs in our meatloaf. So do I just let him suffer and keep deleting?

[kells76]

Good to hear from you again -- thanks for the update about how things are going.

"Let him learn to manage his own feelings. He is an adult. It is actually loving and caring to allow other adults to handle their own pain."
I know it intellectually, but practically, it sucks.

That makes sense. It's a challenge that lots of members here (myself included) share -- balancing what we think/know with what we feel. Both "sides" of the brain provide valuable information.

Do you think any of that gap has closed over the last few weeks? That is, are there any areas where you've noticed a bit more overlap/cooperation between your thoughts and feelings?

I'd be curious if our workshop on Triggering, Mindfulness, and the WiseMind speaks to you at all in that area of knowing/feeling.

Updates, I fired my therapist at the shelter because she wanted to explain that it is wrong to let him have the apartment and pay for his food. He does not work and that is sort of my business. I am moving out, and now sure I am not going back.

Moving out of the apartment?

I made two hours a day for contact, but he still blows up my phone at midnight, 3 am 5 am etc. Some days he is super sweet, and some days not so much.

When is the 2 hour time block for communication? Is it something like 1pm-3pm, etc?

What would it be like to block his number outside of that time range?

Im frustrated because I sent him a pic of the racoon eyes 2 months out, so he photoshop filtered it and sent it back to me, with comments about how beautiful I am. And he wants to take a road trip with him. Either he blocked out the memory of the one days before I left, or he photoshopped his memories so it was actually not hellistic.

I wonder if you hoped that after sending him the picture, he would have insight into what he did? was that it?

To me, it doesn't sound like he has any insight into his abusive behaviors. He may also have impaired empathy. Those combined don't sound safe. What do you think?

I can't get the image out of my head of standing in a corner naked face bleeding down my body, and him telling me to smile while he punched me in the stomach and head. Called my smile a sneer. I found out a couple days ago, when I tried to smile for a selfie, the left half of my face doesn't work, so of course I can only smile halfway. I do know that half my forehead has nerve damage, my right side came back ok. He's right-handed, btw.

As I read what you've shared, it seems like there might be two parts of you showing up (we all have many parts to our selves/personalities, that's normal -- it's an approach used by Internal Family Systems therapists, and probably others).

One part of you protects and defends him. You mention firing your therapist for suggesting you not let him have the apartment or pay for his food.

Another part of you wants to shine light on what he did to you. There's a strong and significant part of you that won't let things be covered up or hidden, that is standing up for you, that is shining light on what really happened and on who really beat you.

Does that sound close to your experience?

So now, he is still texting me making connections that aren't there, about my attempts to murder him. I see you guys responded to this already, but maybe different words would help me? He is actually suffering. I have been deleting everyting between communication times, most of the time. But today I listened. He says how f'ed up it is. I cant convince him I was not trying to murder him by cop. Or putting dog food and drugs in our meatloaf. So do I just let him suffer and keep deleting?

He sounds paranoid.

If I'm putting together some pieces of what you've shared, he feels entitled to your money, whitewashes/alters evidence of his significant abuse of you, intrudes in your life, beats you, accuses you of things that aren't true, and has paranoid ideation about "authorities out to get him" (murder by cop) and "poison in the food".

To be real with you, this isn't a situation that is solvable by "different wording".

I wonder if you and I can get on the same page about that?

There may be other paths forward -- I would say there are solutions and options for your situation -- but I wonder if we can agree that the issue isn't that you "didn't say it right?"

...

Really glad you felt ready to open up about your last 1-2 months. We'll still be here listening, any time;

kells76

[rayndance]

Thank you for taking the time to break my post into sections and help me process it!
I will have to get to that workshop. I have moved into the shelter. All my stuff is there, but I am not going back for it. I am moving into my own apartment.
*Yes, it is a block of time, one in the a.m. and one p.m. I've blocked a few times at night, it felt OK. I left my phone unblocked the last couple nights in case it helps him. He noticed last night.
*I wonder if you hoped that after sending him the picture...
Sort of. I didn't expect him to photoshop the signs of skull fracture and send it back to me. I was trying to do something to break his Pollyanna outlook. Something to anchor my statements that I am not coming back onto. Something besides smiling and saying, "I'm ok."
*doesn't sound like he has any insight into his abusive behaviors
Thank you! I looked at the link, I would say in between Impaired and Very Impaired.
*Does that sound close to your experience?
Yep. I had not thought of it that way. It helps to have someone else look at the situation.
*He sounds paranoid...
Of course, I agree totally. I was asking for you to repeat or use different words to tell ME again that I cannot fix him, and I am not responsible for his behavior (Your responses above already told me that, but I still need help internalizing that one).
Thanks BPD Family!

[kells76]

Hey rayndance, hope the last couple weeks have gone OK for you.

I have moved into the shelter. All my stuff is there, but I am not going back for it. I am moving into my own apartment.

How did the move go?