How to best support sibling without burning-out

[butterflyflower7]

Hi all, first time posting after doing some research into support websites for those with family/friends with BPD.

Some context: I’m in my early 20s and my sibling exhibits BPD traits, and in the past has been able to recognise the damage they have done to themselves and my family. I grew up in a very chaotic household with a lot of emotional and physical abuse, alongside threats of suicide and property damage from my sibling. Due to the on-going severity, i cut off contact and my parents tried hard to remove them from the family home and suggest ways of helping them in getting some mental health support.  During this time, i worked on trying to heal as with my sibling away from the family home, I had an opportunity to try and heal. I accessed trauma counselling, enrolled back into education with a career and for the first time in my life, I started to put myself first and it’s something that im still continuing to do.
During this time, my sibling accessed mental health services and recognised the damage they had done to my parents and younger sibling. While my parents found it difficult to navigate their own healing while supporting myself and my sibling, after 1.5 years i re-engaged contact since it was clear that my sibling was bettering themselves, and working hard to reduce their anger levels and not project this onto other people.

The first 6 months were good - we got on well and had lots of discussions about things. Although very difficult at times, things seemed to be getting better. As time went on, they were discharged from mental health services and this is when things started to go downhill. There were times when i felt genuinely anxious to meet up, with fears of them kicking off at me, similar to what it was like back when they lived in the family home. I could often feel my heart pounding in my chest and my legs feeling like jelly - it was a sign that maybe this was a bit too much for me trying to help someone navigate their emotions when i hadn’t fully healed myself. There have been times where we’re out and about, and they make digs or complain about my parents over things that in my opinion uncalled for, making links to their own behaviour and blaming it on my parents. It always makes me so uncomfortable because I want to listen and try and emphasise, but I just can’t when their statements are beyond irrational. I now have periods of time where I just need a complete break from them, because it makes me feel so much repressed shame that isn’t mine when I’m around them? I try and be as supportive as I can despite the things they put us through, but sometimes I just need a complete break and focus on myself.

I’m really in limbo at the moment because I’ve done a lot of work and healing for myself to recognise when I need a break from them, but there’s always a part of me that feels somewhat guilty for it because it comes back to the whole abandonment issue - I don’t want for them to kick off at me for being honest with them about how I’m really feeling about the relationship, fears of an anger attack re-triggering the rest of the family, and I suppose ultimately, not knowing what to do in that situation and going straight back to that traumatised response that I had when I was a child. Sometimes I still feel like I’m traumatised by them and I don’t know how to navigate through it. Thankfully I have incredibly supportive friends and family (especially my parents) who completely understand where I’m coming from and so having that vent and getting things off my chest to them really does help.

If anyone has any tips on how to navigate this while also trying to maintain a healthy sibling relationship, this would be really appreciated. Thank you so much for reading.

[HappyChappy]

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, but you’re on the right forum as it’s  a familiar struggle to folk on here. 

…. I accessed trauma counselling, enrolled back into education with a career and for the first time in my life, I started to put myself first and it’s something that im still continuing to do. 

Good move. Your post suggests you have emotional intelligence which means you’re more likely to “burn out” than someone with lower to no emotional intelligence, and more likely to want to help others, so notice the team / family dynamic.

You mentioned you’ve gone back to Education, which encourages us to reflect and continually improve. That’s harder if you lack emotional intelligence, seemly impossible to some with a PD , as they assume everyone thinks the same, so talking about anything is just manipulation.

During this time, my sibling accessed mental health services and recognised the damage they had done to my parents and younger sibling.

Great news, it suggests your sibling is capable of change. It’s worth noting that PTSD and BPD have overlapping symptoms. Also C-PTSD can occur slowly over time in certain “chaotic” households, so can go unnoticed until you “burn out”.
 

I’m really in limbo .... I don’t want for them to kick off at me for being honest with them ...

“If convinced against your will, of the same opinion still” meaning, if someone is still angry about the past, that needs addressing before someone can move on.

But it does sound like you and your siblings have made good progress, but at different speeds and in different ways. “Guilt” is healthy, but folk with a PD will be able to manipulate you using “shame” so knowing the difference is important.

I’m not on here regularly, but didn’t want to leave you hanging. Others will chip in, and different folk need different strokes, so feel free to ignore my advice if it doesn’t click. But it worked for me and my siblings.   

[HappyChappy]

PS: All humans seem to respond well to empathy, but sometimes we're too close to help. So "Love heals all" is kinda true, and "Time is a great healer" also true.