Revelation: Giving into my daughter is actually feeding the monster

[BT400]

Reading a book by Daniel Lobel called “When your daughter has BPD” and it’s very helpful.

I have given into my daughter for years to decrease conflict and create peace for years and in my experience it doesn’t help. According to Lobel, this feeds into a lack of frustration tolerance negatively. He calls it feeding the monster. Monster is the illness.  This is sending the message to her that I cannot tolerate her frustration and therefore, neither should she. Which adds to her fears and makes her over reliant on me. Which doesn’t help her and enables. .

I have been firmly setting boundaries for the last few months. And have experienced major lashing out from her and her BPD mom. It’s really tough though. Super hurtful things from both of them. But I’m holding the line. I can’t live like things were. And I’m not helping her and her illness at all by giving in. But it is hard right now. I just remind myself that it is illness and how hard it’s been before too.id rather have healthy boundaries.

Maybe someone else out there is feeling similar things and is on the fence on setting boundaries. Thought I’d share how helpful this book has been for me to follow my new path.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi BT400
Thanks for posting what is happening for you at this point in time. It's great the book has resonated with you - and I imagine that it is really, really tough at the moment.

There are so many factors involved in when and what boundaries we set in relation to our bpd children. Clearly you are at a point where you can't go on as you have been going and this is the moment to draw a line.

Do you mind telling us what boundaries you have put in place and how the reaction has been? Are you still in contact with your dd or is she with her mother?

[Ourworld]

Hello BP140,

I was thinking about what you are going through and I must say that you MUST keep your own identity; if nothing else, for your own health! What goes on in the mind can seriously affect physical health, and then what use would you be.

Believe me I know first-hand how much it hurts to see someone go through this. My own high-functioning daughter, who is 38 now actually became embarrassed (I guess) and cut me off 11-15 years ago!

Recently I was given her current email address and got up enough nerve to write her. The email I sent was not gushy, just factual, I told her some things I realized and about the condition of the husband she left last summer. I was shocked that she wrote back more than just telling me not to contact her.

Her words were not kind, and she blamed me and the SIL for her own problems. But she wrote! So, she is slowly but surely getting better. Who knows if someday she will be healthy enough to re-connect with me, without just blaming.

The grieving is difficult, knowing now that she does seem to have a personality disorder. But I also know that she’ll be ok.

I will move on with my own life, as she would expect in her right mind. I am going overseas soon for long-term missionary work, but my email will always be there when she’s ready, plus she could always contact my brother or sister to reach me.

The main thing is that for our own sakes, we have to let go and trust on the foundation we built as we raised our children. And know and believe that they will find us again when they are in their right mind.

[BT400]

The boundaries that I keep repeating are “respect, kindness, and trust” in all communications on text or phone and in my house. And that these apply to me and to those I care about (family, girlfriend, friends etc). I’m trying to keep it super simple and applicable to how she treats me. I’ve also made it clear that unless it is an emergency, she cannot expect me to just drop everything at the last minute. She has had a habit of calling me over and over during work hours and then lashing out when I cannot answer her calls or texts immediately within minutes b/c I’m on work calls. She says “you don’t care about me. You’re a bad dad and you make up that you’re busy, etc”. I’ve reinforced that I cannot answer right away if I’m busy with work unless it is an emergency.

She’s asked for $ from other family members when she’s spent her allowance and I’ve communicated with her cousins father (my brother) and shut that down. I’ve had to let everyone know in my family what is going on, and boundaries I am enforcing to not allow for further abuse.

Most recently, she lashed out at me b/c I wouldn’t give her extra $ after she spent her allowance. And it spiraled into all sorts of demands for her birthday gifts—wanting a pool at my new house, 2 different pairs of limited edition Jordan shoes for over $1000 each,, a trampoline party, six flags with speed passes for her and her friends, a super expensive $500 hoodie and so on. She said if I didn’t give her what she wanted that she didn’t want to come for the weekend. I finally said nope, then don’t come and that you can’t be at my house unless you can be respectful, kind, and trustworthy. Which then turned into me being neglectful, cruel, abusive, an awful father, and denying her a home and making her feel unwanted by both her and her BPD mom. But I held the line. At my breaking point. Her BPD mom sent notes to my 77 year old mother saying she’s an awful mother and that I’m an awful father etc. And is telling anyone that will listen the same. Mind you, I’ve gone above and beyond for my daughter and her mom for almost 15 years.

In the past I’d finally give in. Not anymore.

 

Hi BT400
Thanks for posting what is happening for you at this point in time. It's great the book has resonated with you - and I imagine that it is really, really tough at the moment.

There are so many factors involved in when and what boundaries we set in relation to our bpd children. Clearly you are at a point where you can't go on as you have been going and this is the moment to draw a line.

Do you mind telling us what boundaries you have put in place and how the reaction has been? Are you still in contact with your dd or is she with her mother?

[BT400]

Thank you for sharing. And I’m sorry for your situation as well. But you appear to be at peace with it too. And I appreciate that. I also appreciate what you are saying about keeping my own identity. I have felt like the giving tree to the point of just having a stump left. But those were choices I am responsible for. And she and her mom are responsible for their behaviors. I can’t control that and have to focus on my own well being and identity. I have got a breaking point and will be loving yet detached and enforcing healthy boundaries and lowering my expectations/not having any. Time to rely on Faith and surrendering to God’s plan and holding firm.

Hello BP140,

I was thinking about what you are going through and I must say that you MUST keep your own identity; if nothing else, for your own health! What goes on in the mind can seriously affect physical health, and then what use would you be.

Believe me I know first-hand how much it hurts to see someone go through this. My own high-functioning daughter, who is 38 now actually became embarrassed (I guess) and cut me off 11-15 years ago!

Recently I was given her current email address and got up enough nerve to write her. The email I sent was not gushy, just factual, I told her some things I realized and about the condition of the husband she left last summer. I was shocked that she wrote back more than just telling me not to contact her.

Her words were not kind, and she blamed me and the SIL for her own problems. But she wrote! So, she is slowly but surely getting better. Who knows if someday she will be healthy enough to re-connect with me, without just blaming.

The grieving is difficult, knowing now that she does seem to have a personality disorder. But I also know that she’ll be ok.

I will move on with my own life, as she would expect in her right mind. I am going overseas soon for long-term missionary work, but my email will always be there when she’s ready, plus she could always contact my brother or sister to reach me.

The main thing is that for our own sakes, we have to let go and trust on the foundation we built as we raised our children. And know and believe that they will find us again when they are in their right mind.