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[Hopenfaith]

Just came back from a family vacation with my daughter who has BPD.  She is a single Mom of 2 year old.  Huge blow out… she was completely out of control in front of her child. Police were called…. just awful. 

I am at a complete lost on how to stop or at least minimize these occurrences.

I am looking for any resources that can help me and our family

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Hopenfaith
Not sure if this has happened before for you – it has certainly happened for me and I think probably many others who post here. In my growing up years I had never known a situation where the police had to be called. That is not the case now!

Does dd and her child live with you?

I hope the resources here are helpful – they have been for me. In fact I am not sure how I would have survived without reading others’ real life experience with BPD. The descriptions given on mental health sites don’t go anywhere near the reality.

I have been thinking about your question – how to stop or minimize these occurrences. I am not sure they can be ‘stopped’ but I think it is helpful to think about ‘triggers’.

BPD people’s intense emotions are activated often at the slightest thing – things which other people might be a little irritated before they move on. It can be that they are just tired, feeling a bit ‘off’, someone has looked at them, said something etc etc.

In my case I know all her life my dd has tried not to let a trigger set her emotions off. But it is impossible and she then has another reason to hate herself.

Can you identify the trigger or triggers that caused the blow out? Something might be obvious – such as something someone has said – but behind that might be another reason. Did she manage for most of the vacation?

While I think we can’t be walking on eggshells all the time, if we can identify triggers and try to minimize them for a particular event it can give the BPD person a chance to succeed ie to get through the event without a blow out.

I am sorry that this is all I can think of that I could do – identify and try to minimize triggers. However I know that even if I do this, it might well not be possible and something unforeseen sets it all off.

It is good that your grandchild has extended family to support them. This factor can make all the difference in the long term.

[js friend]

Hi Hopenfaith

My udd absolutely lost it at a family function a few years ago and the police were almost called because she actually physically attacked someone. Times before that she always seemed to feign some kind of sudden illness at large family events. The bigger the event it seemed that there was often more chance of something happening. Over the years  I definitely saw a pattern with my dd. The longer she seemed to stay in one place around the same people(including  around me) there seemed to be a greater chance of her having some kind of emotional breakdown. Maybe your dd was feeling overstimulated or someone/something was simply getting on her nerves at the time. There is no way of knowing until we ask. If your dd denies everything then It may be helpful to offer her a chance to take a break somehow by maybe by being on her own for a while or changing location or activity.

[BPDstinks]

my granddaughters' mom (NO relation to me) thinks she is BPD

She has little episodes all the time (my daughter is BPD, so, at least I sort of have an idea of how to handle it) the worst was when she screamed horrible things to me, when I was picking up the kids for the weekend (b/c HER child forgot something in the house!) that was a pretty bad one (she called & apologized and of course, said it was okay to take the kids; it was awkward though, because the kids were sad

[CC43]

Hope,

I can relate to blow-ups at family gatherings!  It's a shame, as it seems impossible to experience a family gathering with my diagnosed stepdaughter, without some sort of blow-up.

What I've observed includes the following:
*Untreated BPD involves an extremely short fuse.  Almost anything can set it off.
*Difficulties in other aspects of a person's life--with friends, schooling, homelife, love life, work, etc.--can "prime" a person with BPD.  When "primed," an innocuous comment or body language can set them off.  The bad feelings, disappointments or frustrations materialize, seemingly out of nowhere.  They were just simmering underneath the whole time.  Maybe they emerge as projections!
*Untreated BPD comes with low tolerance--of others, of frustration, of boredom, of stress, etc.
*BPD involves a trauma-like response to ordinary stresses.  By trauma-like response, I mean a fight-or-flight response to an annoyance.  So if somebody asks her to please straighten up her bathroom because guests are coming, or to refrain from snacking on an ingredient reserved for a special recipe, she'll have a tantrum or isolate in protest, because she's accustomed to doing what she wants whenever she wants, and she resents being asked to do something she doesn't want to do, especially if the "guests" seem to be more important than she is.

Family gatherings are so tough, because they are outside of the routine, and they involve people who are important from an emotional point of view.  Thus the emotional stakes are high with family gatherings.  My diagnosed stepdaughter will struggle with any of the following:
*Not being able to entertain herself with screens as much as she wants during family events.
*Seeing others be joyful.  She feels bad, and she can't bear to be happy for others.
*Mixing with others with whom she's had blow-outs in the past.  She blames them, and they are the enemy; she deems many family members as traumatizers or "abusers."
*Feeling that others are judging her.  Questions like, "How is college going?" or "How's your summer job?" are perilous, either because she's quit and feels shame, or she feels that others are judging her negatively.
*Comparing herself to cousins/siblings.  She sees herself in a negative light, even if nobody else does.  If her cousins/siblings talk about achievements (a new job, a new romantic interest, graduation), she feels inferior by comparison and is prone to blow up or leave the scene.
*Tolerating small talk with older folks.  They are just too boring.
*Partaking in conversations.  She will only give one-word responses to direct questions, and can't seem to engage in or hold a conversation.
*Not being the center of attention.

So yeah, I wouldn't go on a vacation with my diagnosed stepdaughter.  She can't handle a morning or afternoon with family yet, she's just not ready.  A whole vacation would be a pressure cooker. 

Can you identify the triggers?  I think I've identified major ones in my lists above.  But can you avoid them?  I don't think it's possible.  Avoiding stress is impossible in the real world.  Maybe it could be avoided for an hour or two, if everyone is on their very best behavior and treats the person with BPD with kid gloves, but that's not a realistic scenario for most families.  At some point the person with BPD needs to develop some emotional intelligence and resilience.  That seems challenging if untreated and still in the blaming-and-hating-everyone-else phase.