My adult daughter-

[sueisnuts]

Hi-
First time on any forum, and probably long overdue. It has been so difficult to watch my daughter suffer. She has not been formally diagnosed with BPD but has many of the symptoms. She is in therapy "again", this has been over 20 years. I tried to teach her early on there is no shame in seeking help. I too have been in/out of therapy for years. I am just tired and need to find support for myself. I know I have my own issues and have been working on them. Mental illness runs in my family. I describe myself as a work in progress and I believe all of us are.
 I know she (my daughter) is the one that has to do the work to help herself and I have only recently started to understand and research BPD because my own therapists is the one that basically asked me to do some research and consider if she exhibits many of theses symptoms. I have been listening more, choosing my words and only yesterday- I had to for the first time say- "I'm letting you know that I no longer want to continue this conversation and I am sorry you're upset with me. But I do not want to be yelled at - and yes, no matter what I will always support you - good night" this was after her hanging up calling me back and behavior that happens often. Now, I feel terrible and relieved. I know this behavior, well, she will deny it happens (makes me feel like I am losing my mind) she will "ghost" me for 48 hours and then text apologizing and saying she is sorry and can't control herself.  I just turned 60 and realized, I have been doing so much for everyone else and I need to put myself first. I can not take her abuse anymore, I am at a low place in my own struggles and it is always about her and I am just exhausted. Thanks for letting me share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

i am so sorry to hear this!  my 24 y/o BPD daughter "ghosted" my whole family! (except, oddly, my mother) it is a little over a year now & I have not SEEN my BPD!  She texts me here & there (usually wanting something); I, too, researched, read books, joined a support group (thought that was nothing compared to this book); our last conversation, I went over to her apartment to help with something (per her request) and said I liked a sweater, maybe I could borrow it sometime (keeping in mind the last time I was there she kept trying to get me to take clothes) she said, "I see, you did me a favor & now you want something...please leave) so....i wish you better luck than I am having!  It has been a really hard year (although, I DID take some time to "attempt" to "re-claim" my life, as, with absence, I realized how many times I was at her apartment/weekly (she would have me sleep over) etc.

[Sancho]

Hi Sueisnuts
As I was reading your post I was feeling heavy hearted- feeling what it is like to deal with all the abuse etc for many years. Then I came to the part where you made your calm, assertive statement - and my whole mood changed!

You are exhausted and yes, when you start to be gently assertive you will feel guilt. When we love a child with BPD we are constantly thrown into emotional turmoil: blamed for everything; expected to 'make it all better; we are the outlet for the emotional turmoil within them.

But you felt the relief! This is the first step of being there for your dd in a different way. The 3 C's mantra is helpful - I didn't Cause this; I can't Control it; I can't Cure it'.

I say this to myself over and over in tough times.

We can't change or cure our loved child with BPD - all we can do is change the way we respond, and this is what you have started to do.

I hope you can keep learning about this condition and how we look to our own needs as we support our BPD child.

We want to make the path ahead smooth for them, fix their chaos etc, but all we can do is walk beside them.