BPD = DIL Dirt

[Blackwing]

This is a first post.

I'm not going to talk about the confusion, frustrations, and helplessness I feel this time, because these emotions are so embedded into, (the DIL's and my) relationship of eight years, it isn't worth it. So much so by now, that boxing gloves are part of her daily attire, as I just try and keep the peace for my S. (You ladies all know the story). It is a super tough job!

(For two years, she has been married to my S). The first gc is arriving next week. (But please don't congratulate me,) because from most of the posts I have read on this website, they don't have a happy ending unfortunately, especially where the gc(plural) are concerned.

Also, I have two cousins, who have shown me a lot. One is in Texas & one in St. Louis, both the dearest women you'd ever meet, but who have been estranged by their DIL from their gks. (One hasn't even met four of hers. (The oldest child is nine)). So bad!

Anyway, today is just an introduction as a mom, MIL, and soon to be gm, who lives with and breathes the drama and damage that a person with BPD can do to a family. More next time. Again just a hello to my 'sisters in sadness'. Thanks for reading, bye.

[kells76]

Hi Blackwing and welcome 

You're among others who get it -- that BPD doesn't just impact the person with BPD, it kind of infiltrates the whole family system and dynamics. It would be so nice to have some family relationships untouched by disorder, especially with kids and grandkids, but that's not what we get (my H's kids' mom has many BPD traits and behaviors).

Post and share as much or as little as feels right to you. We'll be here;

kells76

[Blackwing]

Thank you Kells,
Honestly I haven't posted in probably over 2 months.
My DIL gave birth to our grandson, and happily he is healthy.
But as I have anticipated, from everything I've read about the arrival of the gchild, she is just beginning to follow a predictable pattern of not allowing me to hold him.
She says she doesn't feel comfortable letting others take him when he's restless or not feeling well.
Which this does make sense, except that to her, it has been quite often.
So, without much I can do, I am bracing myself for things to get much worse between my DIL and I whenever I am in her company at family gatherings.
I miss my grandson already!

[Notwendy]

I know this sounds like "placating" her or walking on eggshells but I see it as strategic to remain cordial and not emotionally reactive.

Making her the "bad guy" plays right into her Victim role. Your son has a part in this too. Likely as her rescuer. This forms a strong bond- two people aligned together against a common "persecutor" are not looking at the issues between them. I saw this with my parents- they were most compatible when bonded against something or someone. BPD mother sees herself as a victim and my father would step into rescuer mode.

Why this happens is complicated. It didn't make sense to me looking at their relationship from the outside. Your DIL has issues but your son is invested in this relationship, even if it's difficult. If your DIL is able to provoke you into reacting, you will play right into their dynamics- at least this is my experience as sometimes it was us kids in "persecutor" position.

I think it's good to stay tuned to your own emotions and if you feel it's too much, excuse yourself from the situation.

I don't know how your DIL will be as a mother. Some pwBPD have mothering skills. My BPD mother does not. Babies are cute and compliant but they grow up. Toddlers, school age kids, they assert themselves. She may be more agreable to help later on.

[kells76]

Welcome back  

My DIL gave birth to our grandson, and happily he is healthy.
But as I have anticipated, from everything I've read about the arrival of the gchild, she is just beginning to follow a predictable pattern of not allowing me to hold him.
She says she doesn't feel comfortable letting others take him when he's restless or not feeling well.
Which this does make sense, except that to her, it has been quite often.

Am I following that you all do get together, it's more that when you are all together, she doesn't want others holding the baby?

pwBPD (persons with BPD) often have high validation needs. We all have validation needs -- the need to be really understood, to have others "get" how we feel -- and pwBPD may have higher-than-normal needs there, plus fewer skills and resources to manage when they don't get that need met.

True emotional validation -- really getting where someone is coming from, truly and genuinely understanding why they might feel the way they feel -- can be a way to connect to others and build relationships. We don't have to agree that what they do out of those feelings makes sense, but we can really put in some effort to put ourselves in their shoes and figure out: if I were in that situation, feeling that way, what would that be like?

I think you're on to something here:

She says she doesn't feel comfortable letting others take him when he's restless or not feeling well.
Which this does make sense, except that to her, it has been quite often.

She may not have an accurate perception of if GS is truly restless or truly ill. Her perceptions may be heightened, or skewed, or more informed by her own feelings than by how GS is really doing.

But!

Imagine that you truly thought your infant child was crying for you, or was unwell, or did a little better with you than others.

You would probably do something similar -- we all would.

That's emotional validation  

We don't have to figure out if the other person's perceptions or lenses are accurate. We can relate to -- if we did really feel that, or really think that, it might make sense why they do what they do.

I wonder if you might be able to build a little bit of positive relating with DIL, through emotional validation?

Next time you are all together, and maybe you ask to hold GS, and she says "I just think he is too fussy and wants me", instead of personalizing it ("she's starting to withhold GS from me"), it'd be interesting to see what happened if you used emotional validation:

"You really care about him", or
"You really want the best for him, don't you", or
"I know if my baby were fussy, I'd want to hold him, too"

or something, in your own words and with a warm tone and body language, that says: "I get it -- anyone would be doing the same thing if they thought _____".

I think my overall thought is -- it's a good thing that you are all still getting together and the baby is at least around you (though she is perhaps overreacting to her skewed perceptions). Creating some understanding -- so maybe she can let down her defenses a bit -- could be a way to keep that relational door open, so instead of her seeing you as a threat ("Blackwing is trying to take my baby" -- emotional reasoning), she can experience you as someone who understands.

Of course, you know her best, so if something here is off base, let me know. Just some food for thought!