Desperate to repair my relationship with my BPD ex

[hashbrown111822]

 

Hi everyone. I'll apologize in advance as this will be a long post... I would so appreciate any help. I feel desperate and completely destroyed.

My ex with BPD (29 yrs, male) recently ended our relationship on May 1st. We were together a year and a half. I cannot overstate... I've never loved anyone like I've loved this man. We were like carbon copies of each other. We loved the same things, hated the same things, wanted the same type of future... we had the same interests and aesthetics, the same favorite meal, we drove the same cars. He challenged me and kept me evolving and growing like no one I've ever known. He didn't complete me, but he was an extension of me. He made my whole world brighter. He made everything more.

He has BPD. He's also an addict, though I only met him since he's been sober. He knew he was BPD before we dated, and he sat me down when we realized we had feelings for each other, and told me that if we dated, it would be excruciatingly hard. I signed up for it.

Context: He's been sober for almost 3 years and diagnosed for almost 2 years. He's been in DBT therapy with a trained BPD therapist since before we dated. He's spiritual and went to AA. His therapist has told him that on the spectrum of BPD symptoms, he is a mild case. So sometimes his behavior isn't typical of BPD... for example, he can hold deep accountability, and doesn't always think in black and white.

Still, I've learned more than I ever expected about BPD. Though there were times that were intensely difficult, tumultuous, and extremely taxing - I dealt with it, most of the time, pretty effectively. I validated, I created boundaries, I was consistent and gentle in loving him. He came from a very abusive, toxic past. He told me on many occasions how much more I'd done for him than anyone in his life before. He loved me openly and exercised so much gratitude for me. He told me he'd waited his whole life for someone like me. We planned a future together and I loved my life with him, BPD and all.

I think my two biggest mistakes were 1) I oftentimes tried to solve problems for him, which began to give way to resentment. He used to be inspired by how strong and independent I am, and towards the end, he told me I made him feel emasculated. And 2) as I became more comfortable with him, I became more direct and less gentle. I think this came off as abrasive to him and made him feel less safe with me.

In early/mid April, he began expressing to me that he felt cravings to use/drink again, and cravings to "blow up his life." (He, at this time, was very closely connected to me and openly vulnerable. He told me about pretty much everything.) In the next several weeks, he continued to tell me that he felt he needed to blow up his life. He was about to turn 30, he was starting a new career over from scratch, and he felt deeply unhappy with who he was and where he was in his life. He was angry at the world. Even though our relationship at this time was in a healthy place - with good communication, few fights, and few episodes - I soon became a part of the world he was angry at, and he began to rethink whether or not he even wanted to be in a relationship. He asked me if I would consider taking a break, two days before we had plans to go on a vacation. We went on the vacation and I was intensely destabilized, reactive, and emotional. I picked a lot of fights and was mean to him. He broke up with me three days after getting home.

While he was angry at me for my behavior (which I deeply regret), he sited most of the reasons for the breakup being internal. He wanted to be alone -- since he hadn't been, ever, since getting sober. He wanted to focus only on his career. He wanted to learn how to love and care for himself, without leaning on me to do so (quitting my emotional support cold turkey, because reminder, he's an addict). He didn't want to answer to anyone. He wanted to take charge of his life and "be a man." He needed space from me. He kept saying he didn't want to close the door on a future for us, and that he didn't know where he'd be 6 months or a year down the road. He told me he loved me, and said many wonderful things about me.

We tried first "taking a break" to re-evaluate by the end of the month, but it created a grey zone that was too taxing on both of us. He kept reaching out to me for support, and I gave it (I was the only person that really knew about his experience with BPD. He masks to literally EVERYONE else, and has no other support). He's become really dysregulated. He skipped therapy multiple times. He isn't going to AA, and hadn't been for the last several months. He's been in episodes every few days -- before the breakup, it was maybe once a month. He used to be wonderfully loving and sweet, and now he's become angry, callous, and sometimes just cruel to me. He's angrier than I've ever seen him, and has said things like "I never want anyone's help ever again," or "I'm in charge, no one is going to tell me what to do."

This kind of behavior came out once before in our relationship -- it was a similar big shift in his personality, except it was centered around craving love/sad emotions instead of rejecting love/angry emotions. At that time, he was also in episodes every few days. It took about two months to pass, with residual effects lasting around a year.

We had two conversations on Facetime, about a week ago, and resolved to make a final decision. We talked the majority of the time about getting back together. I wanted to work through it, whatever it took. But ultimately, he said he wasn't in a place to be in a relationship, he didn't want to be unfair to me, and he didn't want to get to the point where he hated me. We lovingly said goodbye.

I took a week of space from him, before reaching out and saying I would like to slowly start to get to the point where we could cordially talk and say hi in public. He said he still loves me, and promised that this situation has been very hard for him, even if it seems like it's easy. His text responses range from sweet to short and crass. I can't tell if I've been discarded, or if he's crass because speaking to me is just painful.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell if I've been discarded and the way he feels about me has changed forever. The way he treats me and speaks to me is completely different than when we were dating. He says he needs space so I don't want to inundate him, but I'm also terrified that if he doesn't experience object permanence with our connection, especially over the phone/in person, I'll just disappear from his life entirely.

I want him back more than anything. Please help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Amina]

I've been on and off with a 35 year old man for 4.5 years.  Unfortunately he is not in treatment, and from time to time abuses a non-prescribed Xanax which makes his mood swings worse.  I also feel that there is a deep, meaningful connection that I cannot let go of.  He has split on me countless times, and blocks my number.  He can go from loving to hateful in a split second without any discernable warning.  It can be hard to explain to people why I still want it to work or why I did put all of my energy into the relationship and still re-engage with the cycles of his mood swings and splitting.  There is a tragic, empathic, creative man underneath his trauma and abuse, but unfortunately it is inconsistent.  If your guy is working in DBT and going to AA, there are bound to relapses, and your heart can decide if you want to stick with him--but getting to DBT is amazing because most cluster B's never admit there is anything wrong, or if they do, they do not seek treatment.  I fall prey to grief and sadness when he splits--and I try everything I can within reason, including telling him he is splitting, but he is on his own path of destruction then, and unfortunately will not stop easily, and especially without a support group or DBT. 

[hashbrown111822]

Hi Amina,

Thanks so much for your response. Your situation sounds exhausting as well. Can you share some of the things that have helped in the past to bring you and your partner back together after a split or after a breakup?

I know what I'm in for if we get back together, but I'm desperate for the relationship cycle to start over again. I'm terrified it just never will, and he's gone.

[Phoenix106]

I dont have insight but am in almost the same place you describe. Sending empathy.

[tina7868]

Hi Phoenix106  ! My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I`m glad you found this forum, where members (including myself) can relate to your experiences.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell if I've been discarded and the way he feels about me has changed forever. The way he treats me and speaks to me is completely different than when we were dating. He says he needs space so I don't want to inundate him, but I'm also terrified that if he doesn't experience object permanence with our connection, especially over the phone/in person, I'll just disappear from his life entirely.

I want him back more than anything. Please help.

I can tell you really care about your ex with BPD. Remember that his emotional volatility and unavailability do not reflect on your worth, but rather on very real limitations on his part to regulate himself. Being along for the ride can create such a whirlwind that you end up in a place where you can`t tell up from down anymore. Everything is still fresh, it`s normal to feel hurt and confused.

The path back to a relationship with him, if it is to be anywhere close to stable, is in reality the same as the path back to yourself. You need to prioritize and take care of you. So if he`s asking for space, you give it to him, and you use that space to heal and grow and learn. Then, down the line, if and when you are in contact with him, you will be able to respond from a place of strength and confidence instead of reacting and acting out of fear.

What are your thoughts? How has your day-to-day been?

[hashbrown111822]

Phoenix, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

Tina, thank you for your response! I've been hearing that consistently in therapy and across these boards. I'm trying my best to come to acceptance. It's hard to try and prioritize me, when the only thing I truly want is him. He was so engrained in my every-days... he's my best friend and no one else comes close. But I'm trying.

We are in contact, but at this point, I control the frequency of our communication. We text every 3 days or so, for a little bit. I haven't spoken to him on the phone or seen him in person. We texted a bit last night and we're both expressed that we miss each other deeply, and that everything is just dimmer without the other. We seem to actually now be nearing a more similar place emotionally.

Day to day is still excruciating for me. The pain is still physical. I don't tell him about it - I have friends to go to. But damn do I just miss him.

[tina7868]

My apologies for mixing up your username!

Tina, thank you for your response! I've been hearing that consistently in therapy and across these boards. I'm trying my best to come to acceptance. It's hard to try and prioritize me, when the only thing I truly want is him. He was so engrained in my every-days... he's my best friend and no one else comes close. But I'm trying.

We are in contact, but at this point, I control the frequency of our communication. We text every 3 days or so, for a little bit. I haven't spoken to him on the phone or seen him in person. We texted a bit last night and we're both expressed that we miss each other deeply, and that everything is just dimmer without the other. We seem to actually now be nearing a more similar place emotionally.

Day to day is still excruciating for me. The pain is still physical. I don't tell him about it - I have friends to go to. But damn do I just miss him. 

It is a good step to be going to therapy. The insights and tools you gain will bear fruit in your future. Also, having friends who support you, and participating on these boards are ressources that will bring you strength. All that to say, you should be proud of yourself for all the steps you are taking!

It is understandable that your focus is on him. You care a lot about him, and for a long time he was the center of your world. That sort of thing doesn`t change overnight. You are going through the very real process of grief. The relationship, as you knew it, has come to an end, and that`s a good thing (although it may be hard to believe right now) - it wasn`t working as it was! It`s important to process that, and learn from it, regardless of what the future holds. If, right now, your motivation is to be with him, if that gets you through this legitimately difficult period and encourages you to adopt healthy behaviours, then I say so be it! Allow yourself to miss him, these feelings show you the depth to which you have cared about someone.

People process events in different ways. That is even more true when you compare how you might process a breakup with someone who is diagnosed with BPD. If it helps you to stay in touch with your ex, it may be beneficial to explore your motivations behind doing so. What does it bring you to hear that he misses you? There are no right or wrong answers - it`s just better, in general, to be real and honest with yourself.

In times like these, I find it helpful to focus on the `basics` : eat, sleep and exercise. Focus on one of these aspects at a time, to get you through the day, and generally improvement in one category reaps benefits in the others. Be kind and patient with yourself. You`ve got this! You are not alone.

[hashbrown111822]

Hi Tina,

This is such a wonderful, loving response. I know we don't know each other here on these boards, but I still feel very cared for. Thank you.

I am grieving hard. I am okay with accepting that the relationship wasn't working as it was - even if it seemed like it to me! Even though the last several months were placid and loving, it is clear now that he didn't have the tools to navigate the feelings brewing deeper inside of him. If we were to ever come together again, it would have to be through meaningful growth and interpersonal work. I welcome that new, stronger 'version' of us with open arms.

I've never been much of a cold turkey type of gal. Even with my past relationships (all of which, before this one, were very healthy and easy), it always felt harsh to me to sever all ties. For me, the idea of 'cutting someone off' harbors resentment, or a grudge, and it never made me feel good about myself or my choices. With this situation, hearing from my BPDx (or hearing he misses me) makes me feel less alone. I also clearly am hoping for a future reconnection down the road... I personally couldn't do that after a long period of no contact.

I am trying my best to do all the basics. Thank you again for your support!