my mental health is suffering, influenced by my relationship with daughter

[DogWalk]

my adult daughter, who shows BPD traits, uses what feels like emotional manipulation to get what she wants, and even though I am aware of some strategies for working with clients with personality disorders, when it comes to my own child, I feel powerless and crippled by the things she says and her inability to factor my feelings in

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Dogwalk
You highlight a really important thing -the difference we feel when we relate to others with disorders compared to relating to someone in our own family. The difference can be huge understandably for many reasons.

We have known our child all their life and have supported, loved, nurtured and cared for them each and every day.

You don't give details or examples of the sort of things that are happening so it is difficult to say how I would respond in such a circumstance. Perhaps you would feel comfortable enough to give some examples?

The information here will be helpful in many ways. The most important way for me was reading others' experience and realising there were others dealing with the same thing. I also learnt - over a period I time - the following things that guide me through the mire that is BPD:

The boundaries I needed to put up were necessary for ME. When I felt overwhelmed I looked to find a way to have some time out no matter how small a period of time. i don't respond to verbal abuse. I told DD that I was not going to respond when she was like this because it made it worse. She needed time to de - escalate and if I responded I made it worse.

I have kept to that and it is easier that she knows why I am not responding. She will now tell me not to respond to a tirade - and of course I don't!

The 3 C's mantra has been a great help: I didn't cause this; I can't control it; I can't cure it.

Not JADE - ing is also a great tool: I try not to Judge, Argue. Defend myself or Explain

That might sound ridiculous but the BPD mind is not rational. We can only defend etc if there is a possibility the person is able to engage in rational discussion.

The not judging can be difficult, but I can honestly say I don't know how I would feel or think  or act as a BPD person.

Living with someone with BPD can have a big effect on our mental health. For many years I think I suffered from PTSD symptoms. When the phone rang I was on high alert - there could be a drama I was supposed to solve immediately, or DD was in some dangerous situation. Then the confusion around money - the impulsivity is one of the symptoms for some BPD people - and what do we do? Sometimes our choices are not clear at all and we feel trapped.

I hope there is some possibility of 'time out' for you - preferably some regular time - when you can step out of the relationship and focus on the gift of your own life, that no matter what is happening around you, your life is special and each of us walks their own journey through all the pain, sorrow and joy.

To be honest my life is very difficult at the moment particularly in that I can't plan from day to day or know what is happening. But I have one thing that takes me out of my narrow focused world. I sit on the back step and tell myself I am spinning through space at great pace, surrounded by other planets all that distance away but connected to me - this is my time here on earth, this is my journey.

Then I can go back inside to the narrow chaos. Sorry if that all sounds crazy - it is, but it keeps me sane!!