Please help- Divorce process initiated but its really hard

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So far uBPD has refused mediation with one attorney, when I was trying to be amicable, insisted on two attorneys.

So I got an attorney got him to book Mediation, gave her over a month notice, refused that.

Wont get an attorney on retainer, I sent her cash.

So I have had to file, she is avoiding service. Is angry with me and said why didn't I arrange a time for service after "all she has done for me". I asked her for a time then, she just complained how I didn't do that at first, and didn't give me a time.

While saying she is not being obstructive she wants to get on with it!!!!

Now is insisting I move out, even though my attorney says don't. 

Is accusing me of drinking and taking drugs while looking after the children, stayed out the other night when she said she would be home. I ask her next morning via text to tell me if plans change so i can answer the kids. Then accuses me of using the children to emotionally manipulate her...

Is making up lies to friends, which I can easily prove as lies. I think the couples therapist nailed it. She is in psychosis and is extremely toxic.

I am really worried. I am trying to get this done swiftly, while she gas lights me she wants to too. But does nothing. I can't even get the papers to her and just so badly want to move out.

Please help, my heart rate is high, I feel sick. This is traumatizing me even more! She keeps saying she will mediate and doesn't want a long fight, but can I believe her. Should I go straight for temp orders?

[CravingPeace]

So far uBPD has refused mediation with one attorney, when I was trying to be amicable, insisted on two attorneys.

So I got an attorney got him to book Mediation, gave her over a month notice, refused that.

Wont get an attorney on retainer, I sent her cash.

So I have had to file, she is avoiding service. Is angry with me and said why didn't I arrange a time for service after "all she has done for me". I asked her for a time then, she just complained how I didn't do that at first, and didn't give me a time.

While saying she is not being obstructive she wants to get on with it!!!!

Now is insisting I move out, even though my attorney says don't. 

Is accusing me of drinking and taking drugs while looking after the children, stayed out the other night when she said she would be home. I ask her next morning via text to tell me if plans change so i can answer the kids. Then accuses me of using the children to emotionally manipulate her...

Is making up lies to friends, which I can easily prove as lies. I think the couples therapist nailed it. She is in psychosis and is extremely toxic.

I am really worried. I am trying to get this done swiftly, while she gas lights me she wants to too. But does nothing. I can't even get the papers to her and just so badly want to move out.

Please help, my heart rate is high, I feel sick. This is traumatizing me even more! She keeps saying she will mediate and doesn't want a long fight, but can I believe her. Should I go straight for temp orders?

[livednlearned]

It doesn't sound like she's able to function in a reasonable way. Her words don't mean what they say.

I mean, you mention psychosis.

That's not a very stable mindset for making consequential decisions much less follow through.

Maybe it's time to focus on what parts you have (real) control over, which is what you do? Versus what she says she will do (or not).

[ForeverDad]

It is nice that you've attempted mediation, too bad she's resisting by adding conditions and complaints.  Not at all surprising.  Don't be overly concerned, court will handle what is necessary.  Most courts order mediation attempts soon after the initial temp order is issued.  Yes, I wrote "attempts".  For most here mediation failed, our ex-spouses were just too entitled and blaming so early in the divorce process.

So don't feel it is your responsibility to cave to her entitledness just to make mediation quickly succeed.  If you do succeed so soon then you might have to ask yourself whether you have Gifted Away too much of your parenting rights.  Don't fret, if mediation fails, it fails, you just go back to court for the next steps.

A bit of warning here... Court does not care how "Nice" or how "Fair" or how "Willing you are to Gift Away your parenting to accommodate her dictates".  As long as you aren't Nasty or do something wrong, then that's enough.  Courts don't award brownie points.  Focus on your needs and especially your children's needs... your kids need you in their lives.  While it may seem at times they favor women by default, court's main goal is to referee you both through the unwinding marriage process.

A question... What is your sense about your ex's goals, confused as she may be?  How involved is she in parenting chores?  Does she treat the kids as extensions of herself or is she more focused on adult relationships?

Your first appearance in family or domestic court... The temp order hearing is crucially important.  Yes, often it is a remarkably brief hearing to rubber stamp that mother gets the temp custody and majority parenting during the divorce process and father is stuck with the bills and alternate weekends.  (Yes, I was there and suffered that.)  But you and your lawyer don't have to sit quietly and not stand up for your parenting.  If you know that you would do better as temp custodial parent with as much time as possible, you'll have to be prepared to present (in the brief time allotted for the hearing) WHY your kids need you as a reasonably normal father to continue very involved in their lives.

These days courts in many states are more inclined to start with 50/50 time for the parents but perhaps not if you don't advocate for it.  Can you name - have you met and interfaced with - the professionals in the kids' lives such as pediatricians, daycare, preschool or elementary school teachers?  Do you have documentation (or at least specifics) of recent (within past 6 months) poor parenting examples of your ex-spouse as basis to seek as much parenting as possible for you?

[CravingPeace]

Thanks livednlearned on it!
FD:

It is nice that you've attempted mediation, too bad she's resisting by adding conditions and complaints.  Not at all surprising.  Don't be overly concerned, court will handle what is necessary.  Most courts order mediation attempts soon after the initial temp order is issued.  Yes, I wrote "attempts".  For most here mediation failed, our ex-spouses were just too entitled and blaming so early in the divorce process.

So don't feel it is your responsibility to cave to her entitledness just to make mediation quickly succeed.  If you do succeed so soon then you might have to ask yourself whether you have Gifted Away too much of your parenting rights.  Don't fret, if mediation fails, it fails, you just go back to court for the next steps.

A bit of warning here... Court does not care how "Nice" or how "Fair" or how "Willing you are to Gift Away your parenting to accommodate her dictates".  As long as you aren't Nasty or do something wrong, then that's enough.  Courts don't award brownie points.  Focus on your needs and especially your children's needs... your kids need you in their lives.  While it may seem at times they favor women by default, court's main goal is to referee you both through the unwinding marriage process.

A question... What is your sense about your ex's goals, confused as she may be?  How involved is she in parenting chores?  Does she treat the kids as extensions of herself or is she more focused on adult relationships?

This is the million dollar question, what she says and how she acts are exactly polar opposite, or it changes very quickly.
Originally she said she thought it was better the kids only saw me every other weekend as that was better for them. Recently since she has seen an attorney, and before recent escalation she was talking with me about 50:50 schedules, but was very non committal. So I think her attorney may have said to expect that.

I would say she is much more focused on the children than adult relationships. Adult relationships with her are generally short lived. Usually she starts complaining then ghosts them, after they were the best thing ever.
I think she likes having a captive audience, so she can be super mum. So she is very involved. However she gets emotional and screams and swears at them when she gets frustrated. So I would say intermittently abusive. I have not recorded this though. By the time I get a phone out it would be too late as it usually comes from nowhere. The youngest is very focused on mom. The oldest is starting to get frustrated with her I can see it. My usual reaction is to get them out of there when she starts screaming, and tell them Mom gets emotional. I just don't want to live there and be seen as an enabler in the future.

Your first appearance in family or domestic court... The temp order hearing is crucially important.  Yes, often it is a remarkably brief hearing to rubber stamp that mother gets the temp custody and majority parenting during the divorce process and father is stuck with the bills and alternate weekends.  (Yes, I was there and suffered that.)  But you and your lawyer don't have to sit quietly and not stand up for your parenting.  If you know that you would do better as temp custodial parent with as much time as possible, you'll have to be prepared to present (in the brief time allotted for the hearing) WHY your kids need you as a reasonably normal father to continue very involved in their lives.



These days courts in many states are more inclined to start with 50/50 time for the parents but perhaps not if you don't advocate for it.  Can you name - have you met and interfaced with - the professionals in the kids' lives such as pediatricians, daycare, preschool or elementary school teachers? 

Yes I have been to most of these appointments, I also help coach their sports teams, take them to kids parties etc etc, take them to the ER when hurt etc. I mean she does too. But it's very 50:50. We just don't go together! I will move to a house 1 mile away to make it easy for them. 10 minutes drive to school. I have found a place with their own bedrooms etc etc.

Do you have documentation (or at least specifics) of recent (within past 6 months) poor parenting examples of your ex-spouse as basis to seek as much parenting as possible for you?

Yes but it would be very he said she said. No video or audio evidence

[ForeverDad]

Yes but it would be very he said she said. No video or audio evidence.

Vague claims such as "he always..." or "she always..." is considered hearsay and then typically ignored.  But if you have specific incidents with details then that may be sufficiently credible for the court to ponder.

But let's assume you do get 50:50 schedule.  These days courts encourage frequent exchanges.  (I wanted alternate weeks and hence fewer exchanges since my ex caused most of her antics at exchanges.  My lawyer glared at me and asked, "Do you want the court to believe your kids are better off with your ex for long periods?  Follow the Custody Evaluator's recommended 2-2-3 schedule.")

So we followed the 2-2-3 (2-2-5) schedule:
Mon-Tue overnights with one parent, Wed-Thu overnights with the other parent and then Fri-Sat-Sun weekend overnights alternated between the parents.  In that way the kids are never without you for more than 5 days at a time, well, except for assorted holidays and vacations.

Is your youngest still nursing?  Your ex may exclaim, "My baby can't leave me since I'm breastfeeding!"  Though emotionally gripping, that ought not be an issue.  In that case your ex could express her milk and pass it along at exchanges, just like millions of other mothers do who are divorced or working away from home.

Ah, but what about temp custody, stating who makes the major decisions?  Court may want it simple, not expecting bickering couples to agree on sharing custody.  If that issue arises, could you two split the different custody aspects?  Two aspects that we've found important are education (schooling) and mental health decisions.  In my case, our son started play therapy when he was still 3 years old, it continued for 8 years until he proudly 'graduated'.

Also, are there going to be moving restrictions in the temp order so ex doesn't move too far away without your and the court's approval?  (You cannot restrict your ex from moving away, she is an adult after all and you can't live her life one divorced, but on the other hand you can require that her exit doesn't reduce your parenting time.)

[Gerda]

Speaking as someone with a mom who probably has BPD and a dad who just kind of stood back and let her do all the parenting, try to get 50/50 parenting time! You'll have to talk to your lawyer about what are the best strategies to do that, but what's best for your kids needs to be your focus.

When you said she's focused on the children, that was actually a  for me. That's how they are when the kids are little, but soon the kids learn they have to start emotionally caretaking Mom, walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting Mom, blaming themselves for Mom's behavior, etc. That's not a good way for kids to grow up.

Good luck!

[livednlearned]

Might be worth picking up a copy of Bill Eddy's book Raising Resilient Children. He teaches how to model flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderate behaviors to kids when one parent has a PD.

Many of the families that end up here are special needs in the sense we need explicit instruction on how to model healthy relationships. For whatever reason, we didn't get the base layer, that essential foundation.

Navigating what it means when people say one thing and does another (or does nothing) --this is actually a learned skill for many of us.

I was explicit about the lessons with my son. I didn't describe those behaviors in terms of his dad but when a teachable moment came up in his friend group, or when we saw it in tv shoes, I tried to make a point about what was going on. The key is that you actually know what's going on.

You now have evidence that she has no follow-through. What if you were to set a time limit?

"Let's get this worked out by day/date. If we can't do that, I will __________."

Few of us got anything done swiftly -- that is not a word I would use to describe high-conflict divorces. One of the main tactics used by a high-conflict person in family law court is stonewalling. You are seeing that behavior now and it will likely be a mainstay. 

[CravingPeace]

Thanks all so much for the advice. The youngest is bottle fed, and will be on cows milk in the next couple months so not so worried. I picked up raising resilient children, and Splitting. Feeling pretty sad today she wrote me a card for our wedding anniversary even though I had filed. said "With Sadness, Sorry for any and all things I have done that have contributed to us ending up here. I hope you find your true happiness". Made me feel very sad about how this is all coming to an end, and something I desperately never wanted. I wanted to have a happy stable family. I never set out to break a family apart. (I feel that way as it's me filing) Its tough as when she is regulated all is fine/ok, but it's a bit of a mirage as the explosions, gaslighting and lies I just can't do anymore. Recently she has been telling close friends that I quit couples therapy after one session. The opposite of what happened. She must know that is a complete lie!

I just feel so sad she is that messed up.