First post here, not entirely certain what I’m looking to accomplish… but at this point, I need all the help I can get. So - maybe this is just cathartic, writing it all out - and maybe someone can help give me some insight, some strategies and tips, to help.
Married to my husband for 24 years. 3 sons - 23, 22 and 14. Always had issues with his behavior - highs and lows, withholding affection for transgressions, extreme emotional dysregulation - enormous reactions to really, really small stuff. It has always been there but has now gotten so much worse.
For years and years I just chalked it up to his personality, his childhood, his inability to regulate his emotions. There were plenty of other things I loved about him and it was a package deal.
About ten years ago, he started to get noticeably worse. He would buy me things and we would do things together - take trips, go on outings and dates - but when we argued, the “punishments” got worse. He would go off and sleep on the couch for a week at a time - it was always my fault, for one reason or another - so invariably, I would end up having to go and apologize in order to smooth things over. I did not feel heard, or that my opinions mattered. I now realize that there has been a LOT of manipulation and gaslighting throughout our entire relationship - but for a long time, he had me convinced it was me. I kept trying harder but he was never satisfied. He would say thank you, and express appreciation, but would drag out all my “faults” when we argued - literally an entire library of anything I had ever said or done to hurt him.
Seven years ago, I had an affair. I’m not proud of it and would do anything to take it back - but of course I can’t. My husband found out about it five years ago - he went through my old cellphone and found old messages. It was awful and I felt so small and so devastated that I’d hurt him. Extremely disappointed in myself.
My husband reacted with rage initially - completely understandable, of course. I provided him with whatever he wanted or said he needed - we went to counseling, my husband entered a phase of near obsession with me - contacting me all the time, swinging by my work, buying me things. It felt smothering and controlling but I figured I’d that’s how he needed to process what I had done, I owed him that much.
Eventually that phase stopped and we entered into a more “normal” phase - then the pandemic hit, he lost his job and I was the only source of income. When it came time for him to look for another job he had a more difficult time than he’d anticipated, and I think that was another blow to his ego. (By way of background - I’m a lawyer and was in law school when we met - so he always knew what kind of job I would have)
Almost a year ago exactly, I discovered that he was having an affair with a waitress from his golf league. It has been going on for about 8 months when I discovered it - she seemed mortified and gave me a lot of details that he was not willing or able to share. I was horrified.
They had met, started talking and “bonding” over spousal complaints. He led her to believe we weren’t really together still, just living in the same house. We were still very very much together at the time - going on regular date nights and trips, texts full of heart emojis and professions of love.
Anyway - within a week after meeting her, he became her savior. A kind of sugar daddy, I guess. He started booking hotel rooms for her when she was out with her friends, so she didn’t have to drive home (he would not be with her, just paid for them). About a month later, he invited her on a walk to one of our favorite parks - where he kissed her. About a month later, he booked a hotel room for her at a luxury hotel and met her there - the night before thanksgiving - while I was home prepping for family dinner. According to both of them, nothing happened that night. He then booked the hotel again the night after thanksgiving - and that’s when he tried to consummate the relationship. Apparently he had performance issues - something he has never, ever had with me. He tried again in late December and again in early January, when he finally broke down and ordered viagra. They had one more hotel session in late January and then
For pretty much ALL of these hotel evenings - he would be out with me on a date night and pick a fight out of nowhere - then leave and say he was going to work. I had no reason to doubt him back then, so I figured he just needed space. Now I see it very differently, of course.
He was literally obsessed with this woman. She had a LOT of similarities to me when I was her age, when I met my husband - and I’m sure that has something to do with it. Same unique hair color, same favorite number, and a ton Of other stuff. It’s downright freaky.
He bought her Christmas presents based on my favorite things. That’s one of the most difficult parts of this for me - the effort he spent in chasing and obsessing and cultivating this “relationship”.
It seemed to die off (the physical part) in early March, but he continued to obsess over her. I didn’t know about her at the time, but I found his viagra - questioned him on it - and he said it was due to the insecurities my affair had caused.
We went on a family vacation in early April and while we were gone, he sent her flowers. Then in early June, he took her away on a work trip - paid for by a vendor - lying about who she was to get her invited. I found out about it while they were away and let me tell you - I’m a very good investigator and within hours I had so much documentation. - confronted him about it while he was still on the plane and i think that business trip turned out to be quite different than he had envisioned. To her credit, she called me (I insisted to him that she do that - or I would confront them at the airport when they returned) and she gave me a LOT of info. She continued to provide details and answer questions for months afterward, by text.
She knew he was married (so was she) but he clearly painted a MUCH different picture of our relationship than was actually occurring.
Fast forward - I find out, he gives me some (but not much) detail, saying he “can’t remember” and “isn’t good with details”. Total BS, of course. I engaged in as much self care as I could. Did a course of ketamine therapy, a short term rx for Xanax - booked massages, read books, relied on my extensive support network and poured myself into the gym. I can honestly say at this point I have never felt mentally stronger or more sure of myself than ever before - and for that, I’m grateful.
But my husband - is on a path of self destruction - initially somewhat involved in helping me through this
PLEASE READstorm but that was quickly abandoned and I continued to heal in my own. My kids have no idea. Honestly. They were away last summer and I’m so grateful for that.
Last year - before I discovered the affair (obsession/favorite person?) my husband did our taxes and discovered that “we” owed $40k in back taxes. He is self employed and apparently has not paid a dime. My refund went to offset part of his back debt, and he is now on an installment plan for the rest. He’s going to be paying for years.it was a joint return - because at the time, I considered us a team.
Fast forward - he is having major, major financial issues. $60k in personal credit card debt (not joint, thankfull) - didn’t pay any taxes again last year (this year I got an accountant and we are filing separately so I am not responsible) and I am not digging him out of his financial hole. He is not happy about that.
Relationship wise - we did a video therapy course for 2 months starting in February, and it actually worked wonders - communicating without blame, accessing deeper feelings than the surface anger and rage he usually feels. He was fully invested (or seemed to be) and we were doing well. Until - he was asked to access his unmet childhood needs. He was u willing or unable to do that, and insisted on blaming me for every unmet need in his life.
Since then, he has run hot and cold. For the past month, mainly cold. He says hurtful things and throws baseless accusations around - accusing me of lying, manipulating, hiding things - treating him “like
PLEASE READ” for the last ten years - all things that he has been doing to me. He has accused me of trying to ruin his life and says he’s miserable and wants a divorce. But then says he loves me, but he knows I won’t change. He won’t talk about actual issues - just likes to throw things in my face, and everything is my fault. Never his.
I found out last year (from his mom) that a scary number of his immediate relatives have mental illnesses - bipolar, BPD etc - she told me so that I could keep an eye on my kids, and watch for symptoms. I have not told her anything about what’s going on with her own son, nor has he. To the rest of the world - everything is totally fine. He won’t admit he has an issue and won’t get any kind of help. After speaking with his mom, I started to research BPD (and narcissism) and everything started to fall into place. It made so much sense - and it really, really helps me to not take his behavior personally. It’s still so frustrating to watch him spiraling and to not be able to reach him or help him. So, I’ve just been committed to my own self improvement - being as strong as possible, and learning as much as I can. I have started setting boundaries and calling out his manipulation and emotional abuse.
Not sure what that’s going to do (if anything) but it feels good, honestly. My therapist told me to essentially speak as if I was speaking to a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. “I love you, I can see you’re activated, we aren’t going to talk about this right now but I’m happy to discuss facts and feelings when we are
Both calm. I will be in the living room if you would like to do that.”
The thing is - I’m not miserable, and I don’t want to leave. If he wants a divorce - he’s going to have to file. Of course, he wants me to be the “bad guy” - and I’m not even sure that’s what he actually wants, anyway. I do know that he has significant inner pain and turmoil that must feel unbearable, and it sucks to think that he could help alleviate that if he would just reach out and admit he needs some assistance. Neither of us wants to break up the family. We are both children of divorced families and our kids honestly would not see a divorce coming. Their worlds would be rocked. And no, it’s not just the kids - we have a great life. A nice house - great friends - good jobs - I think often of the phrase “we choose our hard” - it would be hard to leave, and it’s hard to stay. For the time being, at least, I’m choosing to stay. That’s my “hard”.
I’m doing what I can to protect myself financially and to prepare for whatever comes my way - but for now, I’m focused on just living my life - using some strategies and tactics to reduce conflict - setting boundaries (he doesn’t like them) and getting my finances in order. If he ends up filing for divorce - so be it - but I guess I’m unclear on how this is going to go if he doesn’t. How bad does it get? How far into debt will he get, and then what happens? What other strategies can I use here (besides grey rock, setting boundaries, being nonreactive etc)
I am fairly close with his family and none of them have a clue.
How far is he going to let himself spiral, and what (if anything) can be done to help him get out of this self destructive behavior?
Thanks for listening. Open to any and all advice.
