Help

[mfresh]

I found this website in a google search today. I read the Mother’s Day letter, and I have never felt more validated. My daughter has been struggling with BPD symptoms since puberty and I have sought help, and all the therapy and therapists made it worse, not better. I’m so proud of my warrior daughter who has not given up. But she is on course to go away to college in September and I am terrified. She also has major depression and anxiety. At this point she doesn’t trust therapy or medication so I can’t convince her to try again. I’m lost, and I’m so scared.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hello mfresh,

If I had realized the mental anguish of my daughter when she went away to college, I would have done whatever I could to keep her near me. To a university in the city near our home or to take basic courses online, perhaps through the more affordable community college.

If she refuses to live at home, get her an apartment (cheaper than her going away to a university!). I don’t know where you live, we lived south of Houston, where there are several universities and she could have tried the dorm if she wanted.

I don’t know if it is too late, but for us, this is when her problems became worse, but she is also a silent and high-functioning person with BPD symptoms. Hopefully she won’t have too bad of experiences and you can look into her transferring closer next year.

But don’t fret, just pay close attention to what’s going on in her life and be there as much as you can.

We are here for you!

I wish you the best, OurWorld

[CC43]

Hi Mfresh,

I really feel for you, as you've been dealing with this for many years now, and you must feal fear, distress and exhaustion when seeing your daughter struggle so much.  My diagnosed stepdaughter had a really tough time at college, being so far from her support system at home, and dealing with the increased stress of college-level work and social situations.  It's been eight years, and she still hasn't graduated yet.  The Covid period intervened, and it's hard to be sure if that made things even worse.

It's hard to imagine hypotheticals, but if I had to do it again, I might have tried to control the environment a little differently, and reduce the financial stress.  Since BPD symptoms seem to worsen with stress, I might have suggested trying different tactics to lower stress levels.  Some ideas might include taking a reduced course load at first, until she proves that she can handle the work.  Another would be to enroll in a college that has a reputation for being easier; even if she were accepted at a more prestigious school, she should be realistic and understand that BPD will be an academic handicap; why set her up to fail?  Another route would be to attend college closer to home, so that my stepdaughter could "escape" home on some weekends, to re-charge and re-set.  Another idea would be to try to find a single room, because living with other young women can lead to tricky dynamics, especially for those with BPD.  But these are all hypotheticals, and convincing a loved one to take a lighter course load, or live closer to home, might blow up.  Anyway, I just thought my stepdaughter wasn't really ready for college, and it turned out that she was not.  Dealing with her volatile emotions meant she withdrew from school several times.  That really bruised her ego and my husband's pocketbook.  It also got my stepdaughter on a vicious downward spiral, which took several hospital stays and intensive therapy to reverse.  Right now, she's taking a reduced course load while working part-time.  I think this is ultimately more manageable for her.

I think there are clear signs that your daughter might not be ready for college.  If she's like my stepdaughter, she's sleeping all day, maybe consuming marijuana.  She's glued to her phone.  She's a slob and doesn't take care of her environment or her personal hygiene.  She doesn't help out with chores at all.  She's petulant and acts incredibly entitled.  She blames all her current problems on her family.  She's constantly complaining about her horrendous childhood, twisting history to make herself out to be a victim.  She spends most of her time ruminating about the past, rather than looking forward.  She clings to victimhood like her life depends on it (everyone else treats her badly, she's never at fault, and she never apologizes).  When she doesn't get what she wants, she lashes out viciously and says terrible things.  You are constantly trying to avoid a blow-up, to no avail.  She'll alternate between out-of-control rage and cutting people out of her life.  She's always moody and annoyed.  She can be passive-aggressive, and she's quick to anger, which is out of proportion to whatever happened.  She's lost many friends.  If you think this behavior will magically change when she's at college, it won't.  Maybe she'll enjoy the first few weeks of partying, but then homework assignments pile up, and she'll probably crumble.  Mid-October is usually when things quickly fall apart.

Somewhere I read a suggested dialogue for this scenario.  It went something like this:  "We're glad you're excited to go to college, but we're worried that the changes and stress might be too much to handle right now.  Maybe it would be a good idea to take a couple of classes online, to see if you like them and are ready to make a full commitment.  If you pass those classes, then we'll let you enroll full-time."

Regarding treatment for BPD, my opinion is that it does work, but only if your daughter wants to get better and do the work.  If therapy is "forced" on her, then I doubt it will work.  I also think that treating anxiety and depression might be a little easier, because there are medications for that.  But your daughter has to come to the realization that she wants to take medications to start to feel better.  If she's convinced that everyone else in the world (especially her parents) are making her feel miserable, then she doesn't see the need to try medications, or comply with prescribed dosage regimes long-term.

There are lots of good posts on this site, and you're not alone.  I would encourage you to keep reading and keep asking questions.  And please take care of yourself, because your daughter needs you desperately, and you need to be even-keeled and healthy.  Don't believe the horrible things she accuses you of, that's just BPD talking.

[Ourworld]

Mfresh,

After my daughter’s yucky first year she did come back home and took some basics from the community college online, she said she needed to get her GPA back up. Then after a couple of years she went to another university that was a little closer and graduated with honors.
It was in a small university town about 2 hours away.

I especially do not like small college towns.

OurWorld