Out of place

[_kali]

My adult dd has been showing signs of BPD since early teenage years. This resulted in her being placed in foster care with the reason that her "behavior (running away, anger, violence, etc) made the world unsafe for her and I was unable to successfully supervise her".

Fast forward many years of dealing with this (including mediating fights- sometimes physical with boys shes dated.) I moved to 5 states away because it was too difficult to live with her. Five years ago, I moved into an condo owned by my dad. My father put dd on the lease agreement and removed his name when she was of age. She never lived in the apartment. A few months ago, her lease was up in her apartment and asked to come stay with me for a while. . She explained it would be on a temporary basis until she found a place.   

The first few months were fine. She was not working. fairly humble as she was unable to assist with bills or household items. . Four months into her stay with me, she received a lump sum settlement. Immediately she went into spending it all, measuring how many things I have purchased. Her new position is that this is her apartment and she is going to put me out and I will have to figure out what to do. (yes. i'll be homeless probably) she seems to like that part. She has a dog who constantly poops and pees on the floor and she refuses to clean it for days. there are dishes pilled up and dirt. Flies. dirty bathroom.

The other day she intentionally stayed in the bathroom so long( over an hours after I knocked) I peed in a bucket in my bedroom. I never display my business out like this. But I am crying daily. I have diverticulitis and having flare ups every day. I feel like I dont have control of my body or my mind. I teach psychology and all of this feels like an evil experiment. Im lost

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hello _kali,

Are you saying that your name is no longer on the lease for the apt or never was?
I think you need to find an attorney who can help you, because since you’ve been living there you should have rights (especially if you’ve been paying for it).
Where is your dad and why won’t he help you?
How does she know that the apt is in her name?

You’ll get brought this, I would not even try and address it with her, start with a legal service that can point you in the right direction.

I wish you the best, OurWorld

[Sancho]

Hi _Kali
I am so sorry for your situation, in fact it is difficult to find the words. I have the same questions as Ourworld and a couple more such as what period of time is the lease for?

I am assuming you are not on the lease and your dad was thinking long term as some security for his gd.

I have experienced all the things you describe: dog pooping, dishes piled etc. In fact your post brought back lots of memories as well as identifying in my now situation. When I think of adding diverticulitis to the mix, that makes it so much worse because the pain can be so intense.

Is there someone you can work with to make plan for yourself?  I am thinking if dd's is the only name on the lease and the lease is for a long period of time then your only option is to plan an escape - for the second time. DD will run out of money and then what will she do?

We are in such impossible situations dealing with the flow on from BPD and the chaos it causes. You are not alone _Kali

I hope you will respond with more details - It can be helpful just brainstorming ideas here, some will not suit your personal situation while there might be something that is really helpful.

Sending thoughts . . . .

[Sancho]

Hi _Kali
I've just reread your post and my confusion is that you say the condo is owned by your dad and he took his name off the lease and put dd's on it.

Was your dad leasing the condo or does he own it outright?

The legal situation will depend on whether the condo is 'owned' or 'leased' (if leased who is it leased from do you know?)

Sorry for the extra questions!

[Ourworld]

_kali,  sorry, a couple more questions - are you still paying the rent and utilities for the apt? and could she even afford it?

I do not know all legalities, but I think you at least have squatters rights, although there is even more to this since your own father let you take it over, but put her name instead of yours.

Is he still alive?

Sorry for so many questions, hopefully you’ll reply to us soon.

[Sancho]

Squatters rights are only available when you occupy a property that appears to have been left vacant and you pay the rates etc for I think it might be 6 years. Probably different in various places. But then you  go through a legal process to have the property put into your name as owner.

In a lease arrangement it is the lessee that has the legal right to occupy, but a lease is usually for a specified period of time and ownership is retained by someone else and the right to occupy reverts to the owner at the end of the lease period.

Some places have very long leases though - in some instances a lease can be for 99 years and perhaps this is the type of lease here.

I imagine _Kali has little energy to deal with all of this. The situation is very distressing.

[js friend]

Iam truly sorry you are going thru this -kali

I dont have any legal expertise but I would say  to get some legal advice straight away. The sooner the better before you have no money left to even support yourself.

Btw the way. Just wondering why your dd was in the bathroom so long. Is she a d user?