My young adult daughter’s recent re-cycle

[Silent Speaker]

Hello. My daughter has had incredible emotional swings all her life. I first suspected bpd traits at 16 when she abandoned everything she previously believed in for her first boyfriend. She morphed into whatever he wanted and was so volatile, that no amount of logical discussion made any difference. Only when I looked into some dbt techniques did things start to shift for our family. Unfortunately, she has continued to cycle through re- establishing her life goals & maintaining good family relationships (she’s incredibly intelligent, funny, creative, but truly fears failure and hard work. She gets easily overwhelmed when things get tough and self-sabotages on the verge of succeeding with her goals) and settling for a new boyfriend, not suitable for her so she can hide, avoid commitments and take the edge of her potential success. Each cycle is the same - instant over investment in some unsavoury guy, followed by extreme anxiety and somatic illness for her and an inability to break free fearing she’ll never get anyone better.  Then she recommits to herself and things improve for a while. She pretty much fits all the criteria for the discouraged bpd, although has never been formally diagnosed ( has had therapy, but limited success). So we have helped, coached, validated for 6 years now. Some progress but same cycle over and over again, always on the verge of actually fully investing in herself rather than the next guy. She has some really important work she’s committed to for the next year. Of course, when things got tough, she found a new guy to throw everything into at the detriment of her self investment. No reasoning with her at the height of this new relationship. I could go on, as there’s so much more. I feel like my tool kit and energy has run out. So I’m looking for new resources to give my family a boost. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hi Silent Speaker,

It sounds like y’all have done a lot of hard work as you cared for your child, and that’s great!
But, since she’s become a young adult perhaps it is time for you to let go and let her figure things out. As long as you keep trying to fix this, she will take advantage of that and never truly get better.

Remember the 3 C’s-you did not Cause this, you cannot Control this, and you certainly cannot Cure or Correct it.

It will be tough to watch her make some poor decisions and not run to her rescue; but if you want live your own life or if you want to remain as a caregiver for the rest of your life, you must decide and realize that she will never get better because she doesn’t have to since you’re there to catch her when she falls.

On one hand she does still need to know that she can trust you and depend on you, but I really think you need to allow her to feel the affects of the things she has done and figure a way out.

Take Care, OurWorld

[js friend]

Hi Silent Speaker,

Does your dd still live with you and is she now an adult? I only  ask because it is easier for you to let them figure things out if they are away from your home and you are not  constantly available to pick up the pieces. My udd left home at 17 by choice. Apparently she thought that I was sooo difficult to live with that she just had to get out and I fully supported her in leaving. She has only ever had one job that lasted for roughly 1 month before being sacked and hasnt worked since and has had  no further education since leaving school at the age of 16 although she has a very quick brain for learning new things.....She has social anxiety and terrible self esteem issues and has bounced around with many b/fs in the hope to find her perfect match and now has 3 children......But she has been successful living on her own and all that goes with it.
Looking back I think my most difficult time with my udd  "the terrible teens" when she lived at home. I really thought that I would lose my mind as I seemed to get drawn into most of the dramas that she was willing to tell me about( mostly to do with ex/bf) I felt that I really didnt have a life of my own that udd or exbf had any respect for. She has always seemed to be more invested in the wrong guys. The more stable guys all seem to be too boring for her.....so the pattern has always been the same. Complete chaos.
Once I began to firm up my boundaries and told the both of them that I didnt want to know about their relationship issues my mental health really began to improve,  and they understood that I was no longer available them to be triangulated.
If your dd still lives at home I would suggest you have firm boundaries and not be so available to picking up the pieces. As Ourworld has said, let your dd try to figure things out for herself. My udd finds it difficult to learn from  experiences and consequences but I have no control over that. I can only hope one day that she will work on her self esteem, and the penny will finally drop and that she will seek out some kind of therapy, even if it is only to explore why she feels sad or angry all the time.