Adult Daughter/Grankids First Post

[srndrhope]

My 36 year-old daughter has experienced and displayed signs of BPD since early adolescence. We went through very rough times when she was a child and older teen with her outbursts, blaming, and accusations. It's been a lifetime of challenges in learning how to love her. She has cut off most of our family now and her siblings have put strong boundaries because of lack of emotional safety when she is around. She can also be delightful and shows the best parts of herself to our friends, making us look like the bad ones.

One year ago she and her husband began divorce proceedings after over ten years of a difficult marriage. She was having an affair (which she blamed on her husband because she said he wouldn't let her leave him). She is now living with her new boyfriend.

Since filing for divorce, she accuses us of being her ex's "best friend" and blames us for his "abuse" because we are nice to him. He has always been a safe, nurturing person for the kids.

A couple of months ago she placed a restraining order on her ex, which was then dropped by a judge after 30 days. Since that time, she hasn't talked to us after we asked her what the long-term impact might be if dad didn't have contact with the children.

She is currently not having any contact with us. We have always had a good relationship with the grandkids, and not having any contact with them is so painful. One of the oldest grandchildren has a phone and called and expressed interest in seeing us. I texted her to see if I could pick up the kids sometime, with no response. I then asked my son-in-law if I could take them to a movie during a time he has the kids and I took them yesterday and had dinner after with my husband.

I don't want to disrespect my daughter, and I am aware when she learns of me being with the kids it will escalate her. I know the kids are confused. One of them said to me yesterday, "My mom says no one likes her." and I assured him of how much I always love her and miss her.

Just wondering about the grandkids and how others handle not having communication. Do you "go around" your child with BPD? It doesn't feel right, but nothing ever does. I feel like it's always shaky ground and my brain loops trying to find the best solutions. I miss her. I miss our family. But her behavior is so disruptive that it feels safer when she isn't around.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Smdrhope
BPD causes such chaos in our lives doesn't it? I often say that I am being 'cornered' by my BPD DD and I feel you are in that place now.

Can I ask how old the children are? One difficulty of course is that we can't know what the future will look like. There are so many questions such as:
- when the divorce is finalised will the children reside with dd with regular time with their dad or some other arrangement
- would dd be likely to have more children with her new partner
- does DD know that one of the children contacted you and does she now know about the outing etc
- has DD cut off contact before and then resumed
- will this new relationship last because, even though there has been an extended affair, living together is a totally different matter.

This is a new situation of course and the 'whose side are you on' will be very strong.

The situation is going round and round in my head, so I can only imagine how it is for you!

What I have come to is the question 'what is in the best interests of the children?' There might seem an obvious answer, but I think it is quite complex. For example, is DD likely to 'take it out' on the children when she knows you have contact with them? On the other hand, taking the initiative to phone you clearly shows they want contact.

I think I would be discussing lots of this with the dad. He sounds loving and supportive and clearly the court found there were no grounds for any AV order.

You know the situation and everyone involved so you will make the best decision here. Personally I think I would keep contact in the same way as you just did - via the dad - unless mum's reaction has a negative impact on the children.

I feel for you and your grandchildren in this situation. Being 'cornered' is an awful place to be and I hope you can work out what the best way out of the corner is very soon.

[ForeverDad]

I know the kids are confused. One of them said to me yesterday, "My mom says no one likes her." and I assured him of how much I always love her and miss her.

Likely you already know how to appropriately validate without invalidating the kids' perception.  For example, you remarked that you loved her but were probably careful not to say that she loves them.  With all the ups and downs of her behaviors, you don't want the kids' to doubt what their own eyes see and ears hear, nor come to believe that's normal behavior.

As a grandparent, you have fewer rights than a parent does.  Some states address the issue, others don't.  You can search for "grandparents' rights" for your state.  An excellent book that has a chapter or two on grandparents is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.

[js friend]

Hi Smdrhope,

Iam currently in a very similiar situation to you. My udd31 has 3kids....the youngest I have never met that she has had with her new b/f.  We have been estranged for 3 years and I havent seen my grandchildren at all in that time.
You are lucky to have a good relationship with your dds ex husband. Iam now however in contact with udd's ex partner (gkids dad) who now sees them regularly. If iam honest I dont like him and I never have. In my opinon I would say he has very strong narcissist  traits and he treated my udd very poorly when they were together, He was also very, very manipulative which I personally experienced. He has walked away from gkids a few times because he couldnt get what he wanted out of the situation by continuing to see them which was basically housing and know thought to how this would affect my gkids. This time around he was contacted by ss/cps again as there were concerns. Iam not sure what the concerns were as I havent asked, so any information I get about my gkids is through him, How long he will stay around who knows? For now I keep contact with him to a minimum because I know what he is like. Hopefully he has matured through the years but i will always be cautious with him so I text him now and again to ask how they are and ask for updates, and  I have offered to help financially for anything for school, hobbies etc  (but it wont be monetary) Iam ok with just texting  at the moment as I think anything more like video chats with my gkids would put them in a very tough position as it couldnt be something they could share with udd.  I worry so much about their mental health that I dont want to do anything to put more stress on their young shoulders. I used to think I was alone in this situation but now I personally know of 3 other people who also dont see their grandkids who have only recently disclosed this fact. I understand. Its not the norm and  just so painful and hard to talk about it, but talking about it really helps.

[js friend]

I wanted to add that after 2 years estrangement I went to my udds home hoping drop off gifts and to see my gkids....but they werent at home, and my udd refused to accept the gifts. It broke my heart but I have got to a point where I truly believe that for whatever reason I wasnt meant to see my gkids at that time.
I hope things work out for you with your gkids smdrhope, but also be prepared for them not to work out so smoothly. Just remember, our  gkids will never forget us no matter what our dd's say or do.

[Ourworld]

Hello SrndrHope,

I’m sorry this has happened, but you should not put the children between you and their mother. This will have bad consequences; remember she also has a strong parent bond with her children.

Thankfully she gave in to allowing them to spend time with their dad. But while he is not committed to her anymore and will go against her wishes now, you should not. She will feel abandoned and that she cannot trust you, and this increases the likelihood will be you never seeing your grandchildren again.
I say this because my daughter blocked me after I moved overseas for my work 11 years ago. Thankfully, her (now ex) husband was impotent, so she didn’t have any children, but my point is that she felt abandoned and felt she could not trust or depend on me anymore (When I left I did not realize she was ill).

Hopefully, eventually the children themselves will get her to allow you to see them again. In the meantime, ONLY send cards and/or verbal wishes to the children with their dad.

I know that it will be difficult, but I think about and sometimes shed a tear for my daughter daily. I know that I need to continue with my own desires and life, I am who I am, and hope and pray that she will reconnect with me again someday. So, you must continue to do this for your daughter, and pray that the children are not negatively affected.

Wishing you the best, OurWorld