I need help with my adult child with BPD

[nosbig]

My 47 year old son with BPD traits is living with my husband and I. (My husband has Alzheimers Disease.)  I would love to communicate with others via this forum. I would describe him as high functioning. He has a very good work ethic. He is a blue collar worker. My struggle is with his concrete rules of living, his obsession with cleanliness etc. I feel like I am living with him (instead of he is living with me). I am feeling bossed around by his rigid ways of doing things. I want to be in charge of my kitchen. He rearranges the dishes in the dishwasher and runs it when it is 1/2 full. We have spoken about this, he has said he would back off but can't hold to that decision.  I don't know how to communicate with him or if he is even capable of "letting go" of his ways of doing things and honor mine. Open to hearing from others...please. (I do have the workbook and book, "Stop walking on egg shells"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi nosbig
You don't say what BPD traits your son displays, but what you describe sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

OCD is a serious disorder and someone with it can find it very difficult to 'let go' of the obsession for things to be in a certain way etc. There can be different aspects of the disorder. A friend of mine is obsessive about things being clean, being dealt with in a certain way etc. No amount of talking him through things and getting him to a point where he appears to 'let go' seem to work. He just goes back to the obsessive thinking and doing things in a particular way.

I wonder if you could do some research on OCD and see if you think this is part of your son's picture?

Let's know what you think . . .

[js friend]

Hi Nosbig,
It also sounds like Ocd to me too as I also have it but not offically diagnosed.  It is the thoughts that drive people with ocd and those thoughts can be either be good or bad. Sometimes those repetitive thoughts can be about themselves, others or external issues which trigger  their own behaviours, or sometimes rituals. I dont have rituals but do  have a thing about always being on time and others being on time. Sometimes I know that Iam going to be be late and it is out of my hands.  I know this but it still causes me It causes me a lot of anxiety. I also have a thing about cleanliness which I think  isnt always a bad thing although I seem to have accumulated quite A LOT of cleaning products with hardly anywhere to store them...but I know that I will get around to using them at some point so its not too so bad.  but it doesnt take up a lot of my time which can can with others with ocd.
I believe that my ocd has been passed on from my mother just as hoarding can be passed on. My mother has always loved to clean and has never gone to bed with a dirty house  and I am very similiar to her. My udd on the otherhand is the complete opposite and can live in choas and filth and we had many, many clashes over her lack of cleanliness when she lived at home. I have noticed that I clean more when Iam anxious about something and it is my way to relax. I remember one time my when my  udd still lived at home she said that when whenever I cleaned my cooker/stove I would always smile! I hadnt noticed but I do find cleaning relaxing and therapeutic and it has become my coping mechanism.
Maybe your sons anxiety is through the roof with his father being ill and this is driving his ocd behaviours. Just an idea for living with your son....maybe you have already tried this  but Is it possible to have a rota of who uses the kitchen at certain times on certain days, or maybe he could do another task in the kitchen such as chopping the veg or mopping the floor, rather than loading the dishwasher and rearranging the dishes?. I agree that you should be able to feel comfortable in your own home and your son really needs  distract himself to cope with hsi anxiety issues. If it is really bad and your sons behaviour is causing you to feel so uncomfortable in your own home would he be willing to get therapy and try cbt help for his Ocd? I know that I cant cook in my mothers kitchen because she used to make me feel uncomfortable by ALWAYS insisting  that something was burning so I let go of that idea a long, long time ago. No way I could have ever have told her then or now that she has a mental problem and needed to get help because she has always regarded her home and especially her kitchen as HER territory and thats the end of it....but times have changed and there is lots of help available out there now and having mental issues is not such of a stigma as it used to be.

[nosbig]

As I stated in my first post, this is the first time I have been in a forum such as this. I have never been in a chat room etc.  Can I respond to the people who responded to my post or do I just respond generally? I can't seem to find their responses to me to read again. I can only find my last post. Tips appreciated.
My son's BPD traits are:
*raging (to his sisters) (my daughters are unhappy that he is living with us)
*stress related paranoia- he doesn't want any of my friends in the house when he is prepping his meals in the kitchen (which he eats in his room)
*His rigidity about how he sees things, ex: he is very rigid about when people can be in the house(ex: when the landlord dropped in to fix something, he ran to his room and told me (by text) to throw out the lunch that he was cooking in the oven), he was too upset to eat. I did not throw out his food, he managed to deal with the circumstances and eat his food.)
 *my inability/fear of communicating my feelings/concerns/wants due to an overreaction on his part,
*I do feel like I am walking on eggshells trying to make life at home meet his stated needs,
*I do feel manipulated, controlled and lied to by him. His inability to "see" me.
*I have been aware of his OCD since his childhood. He is an alcoholic (in recovery at this time). I have attended Alanon for years. I have felt that there is also another mental health issue at play and think it may be BPD. If so, he is high functioning indwell not get help of any kind. His response to the idea of help, "I don't have time." Then only times he has received help has been court ordered.
My quandary is:
***do I try to educate myself and work with my son to achieve some balance in our life together (so I don't feel so controlled or bossed around)? Is it even possible for him to change? If not, do I just accept that he can't change and accept his ways of doing
things? Do I need to change my expectations of having my ways honored here?
***do we talk about a move out plan? He doesn't make enough money at his entry level job. He is transparent about his finances. He has started over many times due to his mental illnesses. He has been with us for 5 years, about 1 1/2 years of being home full time with workmen's compensation. (on the job injury).
***None of his symptoms are due to my husband's illness. His struggles with life have been on going through his adult life.

[Sancho]

Hi nosbig
Ds may have more than just the OCD although it is difficult to know without proper assessment. The OCD sounds certain and you say you have been aware of this since he was a child. He possibly was self-medicating with alcohol to reduce the torrent of compulsive thoughts etc that go through the mind of someone with OCD.

I care for a neighbour with pretty bad OCD and have known him since he was a child. Over the years I have come to understand that what I see is just the tip of the iceberg of what is going on in his head

Also I think my neighbour knows to a certain extent that his thoughts are ‘off the scale’ of what is normal thinking because he seems to make up reasons for his extreme way of thinking and doing things to justify them to me. But nothing changes his thought patterns.

My neighbour has been told by his doctor that he has OCD but he flatly refuses to take medication (which can be very helpful for this condition) because he has a bias against tablets – they are part of his fixed ideas on things.

I really, really get frustrated sometimes.

In response to your quandaries. I can only give my opinion from my experience

***do I try to educate myself and work with my son to achieve some balance in our life together (so I don't feel so controlled or bossed around)? Is it even possible for him to change? If not, do I just accept that he can't change and accept his ways of doing
things? Do I need to change my expectations of having my ways honored here?

From my experience it is not possible to work with my neighbour with OCD because the ideas are so fixed and can’t be budged – except I think with medication and professional help which needs the individual to at least acknowledge that their thinking patterns are outside the norm. I have tried on many occasions without any success at all.

As I have come to understand that the behaviour of my neighbour is just a very small indication of what is going on in his mind, I have tried to just deal with things as they are – but it is frustrating and very difficult.

***do we talk about a move out plan? He doesn't make enough money at his entry level job. He is transparent about his finances. He has started over many times due to his mental illnesses. He has been with us for 5 years, about 1 1/2 years of being home full time with workmen's compensation. (on the job injury).

The only thing that makes my situation possible is that my neighbour has his own very small place. I think it would be good for you if ds could move out but it doesn’t seem to be financially possible. I think it is a good idea but only if it is a real possibility. If it isn’t then his anxiety would really be much worse just by talking about it and consequently his behaviour would be worse.

You certainly have a lot on yuor plate – and you have done so well to have coped all these years.

Is it possible to talk to your son about the fact that he gets stressed easily and you think he might be helped by being checked out for OCD? Or would it be possible/better to talk to his doctor about what is happening and leave it to them to try to open up the issue with DS.

I think in the long run some medication is well worth a try because I have seen it make a huge difference – there are meds that target OCD. If ds was willing to just even try something for a short period – say 3 months – then you could see if this was effective. Once the anxiety is reduced, many things can change.

Sorry about the long post!

[nosbig]

I truly appreciate your long response, every word. Thanks for taking the time. it feels good to be heard and acknowledged. Thanks again. It is a tough situation and because of my husband's Alzheimers, I am alone in it. It is so helpful to hear from peoples experience. Thank you.