Worn out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been married for almost thirty years. Three grown children and one new grandchild. My wife was sexually abused when she was a girl, and has a narcisstic mom, etc. I am working to recovery from codependency. It has made much of my life hellish. When our kids left home a few years ago, my wife slowly started accusing me of looking at other women when we're out. It has progressed and we have had so many episodes that I can't even count them where she believes I'm looking at someone -- either when we're out or on the TV -- where she'll then "change" her mood, then when I ask "What's wrong?" -- she'll then start to rage at me, calling me names, accusing me, saying I'm a liar, etc. I try to defend myself but it only seems to get worse. Sometimes she'll then hit herself, bruise herself, etc. And she once grabbed me but that only happened that one time. We had tried counseling a bit but it didn't seem to work. I believe in it but I think she sees it as a crutch but actually I think she's very scared of doing it, going back to those memories, etc. Everytime this happens, afterwards, I feel like I've been beaten up. I did contact the National Domestic Violence number which was hard. I felt ashamed that I have ended up in this place. We also moved away from our home state three years ago so I feel very isolated. I often despair about this. I just keep hoping I can find the courage to stand up for myself and leave. Thank you for listening.

[Seeking701]

I have been married for almost thirty years. Three grown children and one new grandchild. My wife was sexually abused when she was a girl, and has a narcisstic mom, etc. I am working to recovery from codependency. It has made much of my life hellish. When our kids left home a few years ago, my wife slowly started accusing me of looking at other women when we're out. It has progressed and we have had so many episodes that I can't even count them where she believes I'm looking at someone -- either when we're out or on the TV -- where she'll then "change" her mood, then when I ask "What's wrong?" -- she'll then start to rage at me, calling me names, accusing me, saying I'm a liar, etc. I try to defend myself but it only seems to get worse. Sometimes she'll then hit herself, bruise herself, etc. And she once grabbed me but that only happened that one time. We had tried counseling a bit but it didn't seem to work. I believe in it but I think she sees it as a crutch but actually I think she's very scared of doing it, going back to those memories, etc. Everytime this happens, afterwards, I feel like I've been beaten up. I did contact the National Domestic Violence number which was hard. I felt ashamed that I have ended up in this place. We also moved away from our home state three years ago so I feel very isolated. I often despair about this. I just keep hoping I can find the courage to stand up for myself and leave. Thank you for listening.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Seeking-

Welcome to our site.  I’m very sorry for the pain that brings you here, but glad that you’ve found us.  Most all of us feel pretty desperate for help when we arrive here, so you’re in good company and amongst people who understand… friends.

Many people with BPD/NPD traits or diagnoses can show heightened negative behaviors when there are significant life changes.  In the case of your wife, it seems her rages and jealousies may have escalated when your kids left the home.  Is that correct?  It could be that she defined herself as “mom”… and now she doesn’t know *who* she is… kids gone… feeling “worthless”.

There’s maybe another complexity thrown in here…just a guess, because I’m sure my personal experience differs from your wife’s.  I am a survivor of ongoing SA that took place from when I was a 7-8 year old little girl.  The bastard who did it was the father of my two best friends who lived behind us.  I am a 66-year-old woman now.  I constantly sought help starting in my early 20’s for another reason and never lashed out at anyone.  But I carried this feeling of never being “enough”… of feeling pretty worthless… because why else would he do that to me?  And married a disordered man who reinforced that feeling in me, followed by a LTR with a similar, (only worse) man.  Those days are over now, because my understanding of those feelings is complete. 

I love my mom, but she was and is pretty emotionally selfish and lives in a state of denial and self-preservation.  Always did.

(Sorry, I wanted to give some context). Back to you…

You also state that you moved from your home state three years ago.  Are you comfortable sharing what prompted that move and how your wife responded to the move?  Do you believe that event played into any behavioral changes?

Also, I don’t know your W’s age… I entered menopause surgically at 46, so I really had zero symptoms.  I was very fortunate.  That’s NOT the case for many women.  I don’t actually know whether BPD/NPD traits can be affected by hormonal changes, but emotions can, so perhaps it may naturally follow?

Nothing changes until something changes.  And we really have no control over our disordered partners.  At times small changes we make in our wording or behavior can result in changes in their responses.  It seems you can sense shifts in your wife. 

I’m wondering if the next time you sense a shift, instead of you asking “what’s wrong?” and being subjected to an unprovoked jealous rage, you maybe try a slight action… take her hand, stroke her hair, kiss her cheek.  Something to redirect.  Although clearly I don’t know whether you and your W share that type of intimacy.  If not and you’re out in public, maybe point out something in a store window, or suggest ice cream after dinner, or a walk in a park?  Again, something to redirect what you feel is about to happen.

What do you think?

I know this does NOT heal or fix any of the emotional battering you feel.  You do NOT have to stay.  And you have no reason whatsoever to feel any shame at all.  So many of us have been and/or are exactly where you are today. 

There is actually enormous strength in reaching out for help.  You can hold your head up high for that.  And anytime you feel unsafe in your home, please do call the DV hotline for assistance.  It’s so vital that you take care of yourself.  Are you doing things to care for your mind, body, spirit?

Finally, as I was questioning everything, and at the lowest of my low, I had to keep reminding myself that I could not love him to wellness.  I tried everything…for years.  And he tried nothing to help himself.  I had to plan my exit from the relationship carefully because of my fear…it had to be his “idea”.  In the meantime, since he accused me of having so many problems, I went to therapy on my own.  Is that a possibility for you?

Above all else, you’ve got to take care of yourself. 

Your thoughts?  Please stay with us.  You do not have to feel like this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes