My BPD daughter is pregnant

[Almostout]

I've just found out my 22 yr old daughter with diagnosed bpd is pregnant and has decided she's keeping the baby.She is not in a stable relationship so would likely be a single parent.I haven't swayed her eather way, just made her aware of her options and what she would need to do and how difficult it would be. I'm so worried bt atm she is excited about being pregnant and I'm trying to be supportive. Please any advice or experience with this kind of situation would be appreciated.I've tried to research hoping it could be a positive thing for her bt all I am finding is negative outcomes so now I'm just worried sick.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Almostout
Your post took me back to the moment I found out dd was pregnant. She was excited and bubbly and I tried to be congratulatory etc while dealing with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Here I am about 15 years later! It's been tough to be honest, but in saying that I am well aware that every person with BPD is different, in fact can be very different. My dd is very low functioning.

So it is difficult and probably not helpful to talk about my journey - because your journey could be quite different.

One thing I think is important is to use this time ie before baby is born to think about possible scenarios and how you want to respond/be involved. Another is to be very aware that parent/child/grandparent is a great opportunity for triangulation. Your DD could become very touchy in relation to your relationship with the child.

It is good I think to think of support needed at different stages: this is the first stage; then the first weeks/months after birth until baby is sleeping through the night etc etc.

What I WOULD have liked was a routine in which I cared for the child - for example pick up child Friday afternoon at xxx o'clock, have overnight and return child at xxx on Saturday afternoon. I think this works for these reasons:

-the reason for the is to give mum a break ie focus is on you are helping DD
- it tends to break up the triangulation in that it is mum and baby and you and baby for specific time
-it creates a regular time for you to have grandparent time
- it means that DD has major responsibility but she also know that there is a break for her to rest, do what she wants. She has 'me' time to look forward to.

Of course this would be ideal and with BPD there is no guarantee anything could work. But if you have thought about how things might pan out (and you know your DD best of all so you probably have some idea), then you are prepared and are able to look for opportunities to present things in a way that you know will work for you - and hopefully DD and the baby.

Step by step, but be prepared is what I would do if I had my time over again.

[js friend]

Hi Almostout

My udd had her first baby at 20yrs old and she was very excited too. but it has probably turned out like all the other stories you have read. I can honestly say that it wasnt too much of a shock considering her promiscuity and lack of family planning at the time. I think the hardest thing for me was being aware that there could be a possibility that udd may cut me out of her and any future gc lives as I had read many stories on this site here from grandparents who this had happened to. It was a possible reality I had to face which I tried to put to the back of my mind but at the time it  also felt like it was already becoming a reality because she didnt share any details of her pregnancy such as scans or check-ups with me but shared these details with friends, b/f and his family,  but as  she get further along in her pregnancy she no longer had any friends left to support her and b/f and his family were pretty worn out with her behaviour so she ended up back home and I was the only one there for my first gc birth.
She has since had 2 more kids but Iam no longer allowed to be in their lives. My udd has needed a lot of support raising the gc from family and outside agencies and will often only engage on her own terms largely because there have been concerns with the welfare of my gc.  I also experienced the jealousy that udd displayed if gc's shared too much affection towards me. I have had a very rocky relationship with my udd since she was a teen but it has definitely worsened since she has had the gc which she often would use to manipulate me with and use as a weapon against me which has also involved cutting me out of their lives many times over the years.
Im sorry that I dont have any more positive to say but this is my experience and my reality of my udd and pregnancy and being a parent and it has been very similar to many of the posts that I read here. I feel it was a case of "hope for the best, but expect the worse"
That is my experience.
My advice would be to support your dd as long you can because she will need it. Once the novelty of a new baby wears off be there to support and to keep a close eye on the situation and step in or report when things are not right.

This is just my experience of my udd and it has been a very rocky road so far but they do say that pwbpd often mellow in time.