Telling a counsellor you believe your partner has BPD never goes well

[iFlyThings]

Hi, This is my first post here.
My Marriage is on the rocks; we have three young kids, and for the last 3 years, we have been to 5 different marriage counsellors. Each time, it ended poorly; when a counsellor sees my experience and validates it my wife will refuse to return.

But not always, my wife's disinformation campaign convinced the last one we went to that I was abusive. They saw my deteriorating mental health as a sign I was psychologically unwell, telling me I needed a psychiatrist and even reporting me to a domestic violence organisation.

To be clear, I have never perpetrated violence in our relationship, it's been the other way around.

Last week we went to a new counsellor. Telling a counsellor you believe your partner has BPD never goes well, so I didn't. And the visit was filled with my wife's delusions of my abuse, NPD, ADHD and RSD. 

I wanted a way to send a coded message to him and give him an understanding of what is really going on. I also want it to be in the open about it and include my wife in the letter - without exposing her as BPD - which would do more damage than good. When the last time I told this to a councillor in private, it backfired. My wife is extremely high functioning with unconventional BPD, and this counsellor thought that I was trying to manipulate her.

So I have written this letter below. I wonder what people here might think of it.  I really can't have another one of these councillors' things not work., it will be the end of it, and I need to be there to protect my kids. And I'm hanging on in desperate hope that things might improve.  I know from experience that when my wife returns to work, she will slowly improve as her lack of self-worth begins to be filled with her work, a job that underpins her sense of self and pride. Which is absent when she is on maternity leave.

Anyway, please read. What do you think? is too obvious? A stupid idea? I'm desperate.

Dear Paula  and therapist,

I'm writing here about my own experiences and feelings following our first session, and I know this situation impacts both Paula, our girls and I in profound ways. I’m not just putting my side of things out there without regard; I want to express how everything we discussed in our session has affected me while also keeping in mind what we’re all going through. Paula, we’re facing a tough situation, and I truly hope we can find a way to move forward that respects both of our needs and perspectives.

therapist, I really admire how you try to understand the emotions behind our arguments. If you think your skills can help us find a way through this and fix what’s broken, I’m willing to give it a go. This would need a lot of trust. I hope we can build that because I’d be putting a lot of faith in your guidance.

Porla, Please stay with me here.

I’m struggling to see a clear path forward. Many of the events you’ve mentioned don’t align with my experience, leaving me confused and unsettled. If those things were accurate, I’d question why we’d even try to repair our relationship. If that’s genuinely how you see things, it’s hard to envision how we can move forward with respect and trust. I feel it’s crucial for us to find some shared understanding, even if it's just a little bit. Right now, I’m having difficulty finding any common ground.

I’ve been feeling like there’s a pattern of distorted perceptions that’s making me feel isolated and unsure of what’s real. Sometimes, it feels like my actions are being seen in a way that leads to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and hurt. The sense of being isolated from family and friends, combined with the messages that chip away at my self-worth, has been really hard. It’s been challenging to navigate these exaggerations and half-truths, and it’s only made the distance between us grow.

One of the hardest parts has been dealing with black-and-white statements like, “You always do this, you never do that.” I often feel like I’m put on a pedestal or knocked down without warning. These extreme shifts, where I’m seen as either perfect or deeply flawed, or when you compare me unfavourably to other men or fathers you admire, have made it hard for me to feel secure as a father and partner. The unpredictability of these emotional swings leaves me not knowing what to expect next, and that’s been really destabilising for me.

I’ve noticed your fear of abandonment was there even before I began leaving for everyone’s safety. Even when I was doing my best to comfort you, I felt attacked and kept at a distance, both emotionally and physically. This led to a breakdown in our intimacy and trust.

You have used deeply personal things against me, including memories of my late father, my relationship with my mum and sisters, my struggles with depression, ADHD, "RSD", and even mocking me about masturbation. This has been painful; it's hurt me deeply. It’s made me feel like sharing personal things with you is unsafe, disconnecting us from a trusting, supportive, intimate relationship.

I never know what to expect when we interact, and that unpredictability is difficult. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand and support you, but I’ve reached a point where I need to protect myself from more harm. And so now I'm pushing you away. Your feelings and experiences are real for you, but I can no longer be an outlet for your emotions. I could connect more deeply with your pain if our communication were different. You often say you can’t talk to me and that I walk away, but I feel you yell and scream over me to the point where it feels unsafe. This makes it hard for me to engage in a way that’s constructive, and I really wish we could find a way to communicate where we both feel heard, respected and safe to share our feelings.

Throughout all the difficulties, I’ve tried to connect with you, love you, and support you through your pain. But I often feel like I haven’t reached you in a meaningful way. I’m not a narcissist; I’m not crazy. My love and empathy for you are real, but it seems they haven’t been able to fill the deep emptiness you feel inside.

You’ve said my actions and emotional rejection "you called it emotional rape"  trigger your rage and violence, but I think this is something we both share responsibility for. I don’t deserve all the blame. Neither of us is a victim here. I see now that I’ve contributed to these patterns by always giving in and apologising for things I don't feel responsible for. One of us has to apologise, and I feel that's always to me. I do it to keep the peace for our girls. But inevitably, later, during a conflict, I end up rejecting those admissions, which breaks trust and pulls us deeper into a cycle of blame and instability.

Our girls are the real victims here, and they deserve a life filled with love and stability. It’s heart-wrenching for me to leave them, knowing how much it affects them. All I want is to see them grow up happy and proud. As their father, I have a duty to protect them, even if it means sacrificing a significant portion of my time with them to keep them safe from this dysfunction. I will do what I have to, however painful that is for me.

I’ve kept working on our relationship because of my deep love and empathy for you, especially after the trauma you went through during Enid’s birth and my struggles to support you the way you needed. I know my actions may have made things worse, and I’ve tried everything to bring us back together and heal from this shared trauma.

But I’ve come to realise that counselling might not be the answer for us. (theripist, if you can reassure me to think differently, please do.) I’m ready to accept that this may be the end, and I’m prepared to say enough. I believe I’ve done all I can, and now I need to find my own strength and self-belief to be the father our children deserve.

Paula, would it be best to discuss this in our next counselling session? Thank you for reading this far.

I love you, Paula, iFlyThings.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PearlsBefore]

Like you I've tried to write out clear messages for professionals, I can assure you they read only five sentences and then at-best make assumptions about the rest and assure you it's great because they're pandering...or at-worst, say "oh he was in the habit of wasting my time, for example once he sent me an email that was nine paragraphs! I'm a busy professional! I think this is very unorthodox behavior for an honest good man, who sends such a long email?!"

Basically, reduce the word-count drastically.

[Notwendy]

Put yourself in the shoes of the therapist. He knows nothing about either of you. Since he's a marriage T- he only sees people in troubled marriages, otherwise they wouldn't be there- so he's probably used to people coming to him with a list of complaints about the other spouse.

Yes, it's upsetting that your wife said all these things but for the first few sessions, the T isn't interested in proving one of you right or wrong. He's looking at how the two of you interact. He knows nothing about either of you. If you then approach him with another story- who is he going to believe?

If your wife constantly complains, and you don't get rattled, don't JADE, don't come back with your own list of issues- he's going to begin to wonder about the story he's been told. This doesn't mean you say nothing or don't answer his questions, but you also don't need to react emotionally to your wife's accusations.

IMHO, I would not send anything to the T and absolutely not your wife and don't send a letter to either the T alone or your wife. Let the T do his job. It may even appear he's siding with your wife at first, to gain her trust before trying to work with her. If he addresses her issues too soon or directly, she may "paint him black" and not go at all. Time will tell how this works out. This is going to need more than one session.