9 weeks in - cohabitating during divorce/separation with stbxBPDw (long update)

[campbembpd]

Hey everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here.

I told my uBPDw that I was divorcing her about 9–10 weeks ago. Just so you don’t have to go back and read the history: we’ve been married for 25 years. The last ten or so things started to progressively get worse, especially the last eight. Extreme emotional volatility, epic rages, screaming, telling me she hates me. More threats than I can count — threats of divorce, threats to destroy me personally and professionally, threats to call the police and claim I was abusing her. She told me she wanted me dead but at least she’d get the money. She’s also been physically violent — including wrestling and choking me trying to get my phone. Threatened to destroy property, and destroyed property. Most of it has been directed at me, but my daughter (almost 20) also got a fair amount of it directly. And of course all of this happened in front of the kids. I've mentioned him before - my son is almost 22 and has an intellectual disability, which creates a whole other layer since we are currently joint guardians of him.

It took me years of therapy, reading, and educating myself on BPD and NPD to get to this point, and a lot of support here as well. Mostly held back for so long because of fear. When I was in it I often thought to myself "if it's this bad now and she's supposed to love me and want to stay in a relationship, how bad will it be once I end our relationship?" And now that I’m here, that fear is still a daily battle. A lot of rumination and disaster vision.

Initially, she seemed to take it well. No explosions. I was honest with her upfront — I just want this to be cooperative and cordial, split everything down the middle, and have equal shared arrangements for our son. The fact is, I’ve been covering nearly all of our living expenses. She pays a couple of personal bills, the power bill, and vehicle insurance. That’s it. And she makes good money — it’s not a matter of ability.

There was a lot of denial at first. She said she was just going to win me back. She did a complete 180 — suddenly helpful around the house, pleasant with the kids, transferring money into the joint account. She stopped drinking immediately, which I honestly believe was strategic, since her worst episodes have always involved alcohol. I think she 100% knew she couldn't control herself if she drank and the police would have been called on her quickly.

The “perfect wife and mother” phase slowly faded once she realized I wasn’t going to reconcile. The other complication: we’re still cohabitating. She's still not drinking that I'm aware of but uses marijuana daily.

Before I told her about the divorce, I felt like Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy. I did a lot of preparation — moved completely out of the master bedroom, set up the spare room with a security door that locks, installed a couple of cameras - all in a day when she was at work.

In the last 3–4 weeks, things have gotten harder. The smear campaign started almost immediately after I told her, even while she was being outwardly “kind.” Behind the scenes she was on the phone constantly, sometimes without even closing the door — I caught bits and pieces. Telling people I’m hiding money, that I’ve financially abused her, that I’m inattentive to our son and she’s been the primary caregiver. That last one is complete nonsense — I’ve been the primary caregiver for years, including meals, doctors’ appointments, everything related to his Social Security and annual guardianship plans. When my wife goes on one of her many girls trips, there's nothing missing, there's no gaps in stuff being done around the house. Logistically there's nothing she takes care of that's missed. She only takes care of her own stuff. If anything it's been easier when she's gone - one less person for me to cook for or clean up after or take care of. I still take care of everything around the house now that I always did: meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, all of it.

The smear campaign has honestly been one of the hardest parts. I knew it was coming. I knew she’d be building her narrative with her family and our mutual friends. I pretty much understood that there was a long list of people I would likely never see or talk to again. That doesn’t make it easier, especially when I think about the people I’ve known for nearly 30 years. There are only a couple I still have regular contact with — people who’ve witnessed her episodes firsthand so they know she's full of it when she starts making stuff up.

There have also been outright fabrications — things that have come through the attorneys that I’ve had to correct. And in a strange way, it’s actually scarier now than before the divorce announcement. Before, everything was out in the open — she’d scream and rage and it was external. Now it’s unpredictable and mostly under the surface. She’s had a few moments where she’s lost control. One day in the kitchen she told me if I’m staying in the house, she’s not going to make it easy for me. She’s left me strange handwritten notes. I’m keeping everything documented.

I worry she could make some kind of move for exclusive use of the marital home. I like to think that truth and evidence will ultimately matter — I do have audio and video of physical abuse, and several years of text and email records showing clear behavioral patterns. Once I told her I was divorcing her she unilaterally removed several of the internal security cameras we’ve had for years. Then suddenly a few days ago she was extremely upset that our ring doorbell wasn’t working. I installed a new one and she's been testing it, making sure it captures motion, etc. it’s bizarre and outside her usual pattern. She's never cared about the doorbell camera before. Makes me worried if she’s trying capture me doing something. Can’t imagine what though. And what makes it even harder is this sort of stuff isn’t anything a lawyer can do anything about. It’s the things that only we, as the partners of these disordered people recognize. Its the patterns of our partners. It's like my marriage as a whole. I've had people ask me what was it, what happened that made you want to move forward with divorce? And it never was just one thing. It was death by a 1000 cuts. It wasn't one bad moment or episode. It was 100s of them.

I recently joined an in-person CoDA support group for men, and it’s been incredibly helpful. The first day I was there, I was describing the patterns of behavior and one of the other men immediately said, “Your wife is a borderline.” I was stunned — I don’t think anyone I’ve ever spoken to even knew what that meant. Turns out he divorced his borderline wife about seven years ago. You never want someone else to go through this, but there’s something genuinely comforting about not feeling alone. He jokes that whatever the rest of them are going through, I’m in the middle of mine and just trying to stay out of jail right now. And honestly, he’s not far off — I truly believe she would relish any opportunity to make that happen.

Most recently, a female neighbor approached me — someone we’ve known well since we moved in about eight years ago. Apparently my wife had told her that I’d threatened to call her and “bitch her out” over something involving our cat many months ago. Our cat was in heat and meowing constantly, and my wife was dysregulated about the whole thing and kept putting the cat outside. The neighbor had texted my wife suggesting the cat be brought in or looked at. Next thing I know, my wife had spun this whole story about how furious I was with the neighbor and had threatened to call her. Of course none of it was true. I had to explain that we’re going through a difficult divorce and that I’ve been hearing similar things from other people. I had to sit there and explain that this is just not in my character — I’ve never threatened anyone like that and never would. It’s clear projection: she’s the one who has been aggressive with neighbors in the past. I thanked the neighbor profusely for coming to me directly, told her I completely understood why she’d be upset if someone told her something like that, and apologized for the confusion. She seemed to take it well and appeared to believe me.

Then the other day — at a Special Olympics event for my son, of all places — she starts working the room. Going around to other parents, telling them we’re divorcing, that I asked for the divorce. That part I don’t love, but okay. What I do mind: she then starts telling a woman who is literally sitting right next to me that I asked for a divorce and I’m still living in the house and won’t leave — and that she thinks I’m staying just to torture her. The woman stepped away for a moment, and my wife turns to me and starts making small talk. Asking how I slept. Saying we should still try to be friendly. I’d been holding it together all day but I did say, calmly, that I don’t find it very friendly to tell people things about our private life while making false statements. I told her I financially cannot afford to move out — I’m covering all the household bills and debts. She said she knows how much I make and knows I can afford it. I just shook my head and said we’d be getting to mandatory disclosures soon.

All of it makes it super tempting to make a 'best hits' mix and blast out a stream to friends and family of audio and video and texts of my wife's behaviors over the years. Let's see what people think if they hear and see the truth. Not what I'm going to do. Just tempting.

The emotional whiplash is genuinely jarring. The finance thing in particular was triggering — she’s made similar statements many times over the years. “You make X, you can afford it!” But she’s never once been willing to look at an actual budget. It’s either denial, accusations of hiding money, or just pushing forward with demands regardless of the reality.

Ugh. I just want this to be over.

And one last thing — even if I could afford to move out, I’m not sure I could leave the kids alone with her...

Pray for me, friends. Hope you’re all doing well in your journeys

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry, that's not the update any of us wanted to see.  Yet, it's not unespected either.  You're weathering the storm and she's on full tilt mentally.  It has to play out...or you have to reconcile and stay married.  Keep walking the path you're on and let her have her moments.

The goal is the finish line and that's still a ways off- remember the finish line!

[ForeverDad]

Your lawyer will of course have answered many of your questions.  But divorce laws vary by state and some things you may not think to ask about.

The only custody aspect would be your shared guardianship of your older child.  Expect the unexpected, most likely allegations of DV (her*) or abuse and/or neglect (children).  Yor documentation can include patterns (over extended time) or incidents (specific claims).  Most courts generally limit specific allegations to the six months prior to separation or filing, anything older being considered moot or legally stale, otherwise you would be expected to have separated or filed sooner.

* Courts view parental adult behavior as somewhat unrelated to parenting ability.  (Almost as though a person can be two people?)  So if your stbEx implies DV or makes such adult relationship allegations, that does not automatically impact you as a parent.  Theoretically.

If your son lives in the house then likely she will of course try to continue living there, claiming she is the "Mother" despite her past history of not being involved as much as you in his care.

In nearly all divorces the children move back and forth between each parent's home.  Can he do that?  Or could he reside in his own semi-independent residence nearby?  I suspect a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) will be assigned to your son.  Be sure your attorney knows that not just any professional will be able to handle such a potentially protracted and high conflict case.  Is your adult daughter trustworthy enough - not influenced by her mother - to relate the facts of her brothers care, etc?

The smear campaign has honestly been one of the hardest parts. I knew it was coming. I knew she’d be building her narrative with her family and our mutual friends. I pretty much understood that there was a long list of people I would likely never see or talk to again...

What I do mind: she then starts telling a woman who is literally sitting right next to me that I asked for a divorce and I’m still living in the house and won’t leave — and that she thinks I’m staying just to torture her...

All of it makes it super tempting to make a 'best hits' mix and blast out a stream to friends and family of audio and video and texts of my wife's behaviors over the years. Let's see what people think if they hear and see the truth. Not what I'm going to do. Just tempting.

I found it was extraordinarily difficult to come up with a good response in the moment, especially during a distortion campaign.  For this one perhaps it would have been appropriate to comment in a general way, "We're not at that phase in the divorce, likely court will decide those details."  Did you notice?  Whenever possible deflect the blaming elsewhere... lay the "blame" on the glacially slow system, the court or even the lawyers.  After all, the lawyers get paid to be your buffer from such innuendo.

Years ago I posted this which occurred in my county:

Also, be very aware that these Custody Evaluation reports are highly confidential.  Neither of you can go plastering these on the community announcement boards of the local stores or sending them to neighbors or the other's family and employers.  The courts take a dim view of this, seeing it as retaliation or inflaming the situation. -- ForeverDad, 20 Dec 2008

I also recall my lawyer warning me not to photocopy and distribute any reports like {custody evaluations}.  He said that many years ago one parent got a good report and then made copies and distributed them around the neighborhood.  Doubtless the court came down hard on that parent.  Remember, these reports are considered confidential.  You may also be very limited in what details, if any, are appropriate to disclose to your minor children. -- ForeverDad, 23 Nov 2011

In my area evaluation reports are considered highly confidential.  The story I heard was that many years ago one parent photocopied the eval and put a copy on every neighbor's car tucked under the windshield wipers.  Naturally that got all the officials quite livid and I shudder to think what happened to that misguided soul.  Whether that story was true or not, the evals are not posted as part of the docketed papers, I believe they're sealed by the court somewhere.
However, I do believe the courts and lawyers do try to keep the worst of it out of the court record.  In all my court rulings and orders, I don't believe there's anything stated about my ex anything stronger than the time the court found she was "not credible" during a part of her testimony.  Yes, the reports and evals may be more strongly worded but the regular records seem to be scrupulously scrubbed to appear quite neutral. -- ForeverDad, 3 Oct 2011

[ForeverDad]

Another thought... If neither parent can afford to assume ownership (pay off the other's equity, new mortgage, real estate taxes, insurance & utility bills) of the house, then likely the only solution is to sell the property and each parent can use their portion of the equity to find their new residences.

However - and this is a big however - she is likely to try to to get interim possession of the home so she can gain perceived leverage to assume primary care of your son in the temp order.  The problem is that temp orders often continue for the entire length of the divorce case and our protracted ?PD cases take a year or two.  At the end the court may default to letting the temp order morph into the final decree, reasoning this seems to have worked.  That is why we encourage our members to strategize and seek the best - or least bad - temp order from the very start.

[Notwendy]

Wow, this is a lot, but it's also in line with behaviors that others have seen too.

I am glad you found a CODA group that is helpful to you. The 12 step programs have been helpful to me as well.

About all these people your wife is telling stories to. Generally, I think women are more likely to share emotional information with other women compared to men, but TMI with aquaintances is not typical. If I'm at a sport event or other public event, and meet someone I'm not close to, and she starts sharing TMI about husbands, marriage- it gets my spidey sense up. I might begin to consider these allegations at first, but when the person keeps on talking it becomes clearer that something is "off" about them. It's an indicator of poor boundaries.

You've got your lawyer, your CODA group and people close to you. If something needs legal defense- like slander- then your lawyer can guide you on that. As to your wife venting to neighbors, people at a game- it's embarrasing but it also makes people uncomfortable. I think people will probably see this in time.

[Pook075]

Another thought... If neither parent can afford to assume ownership (pay off the other's equity, new mortgage, real estate taxes, insurance & utility bills) of the house, then likely the only solution is to sell the property and each parent can use their portion of the equity to find their new residences.

I agree and that's what happened in my situation.  Even though my ex-wife walked away, half the house was still hers and I was forced to sell.  I loved that home immensely since that's where my kids grew up and where my parents retired up until their passing (in a cabin on the property).  I dreaded selling! 

But a few years out from getting the home sold, my mindset has completely changed.  It had to be done and I'm thankful for being able to move on.  It was also cathartic to get rid of all the junk we collected over the decades, to narrow things down to what really mattered.  And honestly, you'd be shocked at how little was worth keeping.  I didn't want any of the "stuff" other than some photos and personal items. 

I refused to fight over furniture or stuff like that...why?  It's all easily replacable.  I kept my mom's dining room table set because of sentimental value, but everything else went to the ex, other family, or charity.  I wanted a completely fresh start.

[PeteWitsend]

I think you need to understand her mind is going to be completely Loony-Tunes for the forseeable future because she realizes she's losing the foundation for her existence.  Not to defend her; I think it's awful how she treated you, and you're completely in the right to move on from her, but I imagine that's what she's going through.  She's going to do and say whatever in a desperate attempt to either: 1) get you to back down so she can go back to what she felt was "normal" i.e. a husband she could walk all over and control (hence her threat to make trouble b/c you're staying in the house), or find a new rescuer to fill the void (e.g. the oversharing and narrative fabrication with strangers).  Her actions might not appear rational, or even seem to further either of those goals, but she's desperate and pwBPD have a tenuous grasp of reality to begin with. In her mind, her personal situation is the only thing that matters right now, and everything else, including your kids and the concept of the "truth" are just pawns in a game.

Don't get too hung up on what she's saying or doing... just let the storm blow itself out.  Like @Notwendy said, a lot of people will figure it out and she'll lose credibility.  If something requires a response, for example, the issue you had with your neighbor over the cat, you may want to just let them know you didn't have a problem.  If you feel you have to go into detail, maybe mention something like you're going through a divorce and tensions are high in your home.  You being calm when you convey something like that, while your STBxw goes into histrionics, speaks volumes to any third party observing things. 

It is revealing to see how they warp narratives to suit themselves, like the thing with the cat.  It never really ends... recently, our daughter had an issue on her youth sports team b/c BPDxw didn't sign a liability waiver for the season.  So our daughter had to sit for one game until she was able to print it out and sign it.  I had no idea one was even due; I didn't enroll her in the league or get any paperwork.  Anyways, that day I got bombarded by texts messages accusing me of not getting the waiver signed, the coach being upset with me, and her claiming he confronted me at her last practice.  None of this was true!  I didn't even speak with him that day.  But BPDxw will say and do anything to dodge blame and avoid responsibility for herself, and has no shame whatsoever.  My daughter didn't fall for it, and told me later she knew her mom screwed up when I asked how her game that weekend went. 

In the end, that's maybe the best result you can hope for... keeping your credibility while the pwBPD loses theirs.  You can't stop them from behaving like a lunatic, just, like I said, let them do their thing, and try to avoid the fallout as much as possible.  Don't give them what they want, and contribute to the drama by "wrestling in the mud."

...

I worry she could make some kind of move for exclusive use of the marital home. I like to think that truth and evidence will ultimately matter — I do have audio and video of physical abuse, and several years of text and email records showing clear behavioral patterns. Once I told her I was divorcing her she unilaterally removed several of the internal security cameras we’ve had for years. Then suddenly a few days ago she was extremely upset that our ring doorbell wasn’t working. I installed a new one and she's been testing it, making sure it captures motion, etc. it’s bizarre and outside her usual pattern. She's never cared about the doorbell camera before. Makes me worried if she’s trying capture me doing something. Can’t imagine what though. And what makes it even harder is this sort of stuff isn’t anything a lawyer can do anything about. ...

If you're getting divorced, you don't need to keep giving into her demands, e.g. installing a new Ring camera. 

You have an attorney, right? 

I would document all this.  Literally sit down and write this all out, along with dates things happen and if you have corroborating evidence (texts, phone call logs, pictures) include that.  I would do this to impress upon your attorney how volatile your situation is, and how quickly you need a resolution before something blows up .  Maybe they can push for a hearing, or get the living situation resolved.  You absolutely should try to keep the home for your kids' sake; let her go get her own place.  Once you surrender that, you're in a worse position in terms of maintaining primary custody for your son. 

Also, document her use of marijuana.  No judgment from me, but a lot of judges are very conservative and view that as not a "family friendly" activity.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Thanks for the update, I'm praying for you.

I'd like to venture an idea that might be applicable in a highly contested divorce with a difficult person.  There's a quote from Napoleon borrowed in the movie Moneyball:  "When your enemy is making mistakes, don't interrupt them."  If your ex is starting a smear campaign, then you go ahead and let her . . . just document it, especially when it's in front of the kids.  Courts don't like to see parental disparagement, because it alienates children from their parent.  In other words, you don't have to be her worst enemy, because she's already her worst enemy.

To illustrate, my sister had a highly contentious divorce, and her ex asked for significant parenting time.  She was devastated at first.  But by my thinking, it wasn't the end of the world, because he'd have ample opportunity to show how he couldn't parent all by himself.  In practice, he missed half his parenting time without providing adequate notice (even though he was unemployed and had no other engagements).  He was significantly late and deficient when he had the kids (e.g. having to visit urgent care clinics all too often during his parenting time).  He missed all the PTA meetings, and he couldn't get the kids to their activities.  He'd drop the kids off early.  He had one too many car accidents with the kids in the car.  He repeatedly failed the breathalyzer tests (not testing at all is deemed a fail).  Though it took a long time, the courts eventually ruled that his parenting time had to be supervised, and it was also reduced.  I'm not saying that kids should be kept from their parents, I'm just saying that parenting time should be set up in such a way that it's successful at protecting the kids.  From the sound of it, your ex would probably have a hard time executing on parenting time all by herself.  You go ahead and document that.

[zachira]

Is there anybody you could stay with or a place to move to until the divorce is final? Renting a room might not be that expensive. It seems like you are risking getting charged with a false domestic violence charge. The way domestic violence charges work in many jurisdictions is that someone has to be arrested if there is a complaint, and the man will be arrested if the woman does not have a weapon because he is considered to be a lethal weapon due to his superior physical strengths. Just the neighbors hearing you arguing could result in the police being called. Many woman with BPD will accuse the spouse of domestic violence when they realize he is going to divorce them and leave them for good. For the woman with BPD, a divorce means she is being abandoned and will be alone to deal with her overwhelming emotions without a spouse around to take out her anger on. Your wife's behaviors are likely to continue to escalate and living with her becoming more and more unbearable.

You might want to move just to not spend another day being abused by her in your home. Perhaps your support group could help you to find a place to stay.

[zachira]

I apologize. I missed the part about your having children. How old are your children?

[ForeverDad]

Camp's situation is a bit different.  His two children are grown but one has special needs and both parents have his guardianship.  I'm assuming the children are in the house, so if he voluntarily departs then without a further court order in place it would be problematic to return when his son needs his care and attention.  Risks would remain whatever he does.

I would suggest he record whenever his spouse is around.  I separated a couple decades ago when we didn't have smart phones that could record.  I bought several digital voice recorders over the years.  Some were capable of pausing recording if there was silence, so I didn't have to be always turning on & off.

Yes, I was recording her rages on the first time I called the police.  By the time they arrived, she had calmed down a bit but her face was still red and angry.  Still, policy was - as my divorce lawyer told me once I hired one - that in a domestic dispute the man is carted off.  So one officer asked me to hand off my quietly sobbing preschooler (he was in my arms) to his mother and "step away".  My son squawked and clung tighter to me.  After a long pause he said "work it out" and they left.  I look back and say, "My preschooler saved me that day.

I had it recorded but the speaker didn't work.  Once I downloaded it, another officer came and listened, made a report and she was charged with Threat of DV.  After a few months she was ruled not guilty and case dismissed because case law said if she didn't have a weapon in her hands then it wasn't actionable.  However, for those months I was issued protection and given possession of the house.

Most recordings were never needed.  But a few were invaluable.