Over a decade together, feeling frozen and conflicted

[ebb401]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading posts here for a little while, and finally decided to write something myself.
I’m in my early 40s, and I’ve been with my partner for over a decade. No kids, not married.

Over the last few years, we both started individual therapy, and it’s slowly become clear that there’s a dynamic between us that neither of us really understood before. My therapist helped me realize that I have very strong fawning/freeze responses tied to childhood trauma (my mother could also be very emotionally volatile growing up). Up until a few years ago, I would have said I had a great childhood, but now I understand that I've been greatly affected by my upbringing.

My partner, through her own therapy, has come to understand that she likely has BPD traits. Having researched BPD over the last year or so, I've started to understand my partner more. Similarly, learning more about fawning, I've come to understand things about myself, finally being able to put into words what has been plaguing me for a long time.

The relationship has become a kind of painful push-pull cycle. There are periods where things have felt loving, connected, and hopeful. But then there are also episodes where something relatively small escalates into days of rage, screaming, verbal attacks, threats of leaving, or saying extremely hurtful things. Afterwards, she is often deeply apologetic, ashamed, and emotionally devastated by her own behaviour.

There have also been moments in the past where the intensity crossed into self-harm (or threatening of self-harm) during arguments. Those moments were terrifying for me and have stayed in my nervous system. That part has become less frequent in recent years, but the emotional volatility is still there. Sometimes if the anger is not happening in person, I receive huge floods of angry texts about how much she hates me, my family, how I’ve ruined her life, etc. She threatens to message my family to tell them as much.

At the same time, I also know I’ve contributed to this dynamic in unhealthy ways. I freeze, avoid, delay decisions, and struggle massively with conflict and commitment under pressure. One of the biggest issues in our relationship has been marriage and children. I’ve never been able to fully move forward with proposing, even though we’ve essentially lived like a married couple for years. This has created enormous pain and resentment for her, especially around fertility and feeling like I “wasted her best years" (to quote something she said to me, and even my own family have said to me at some point too).

I carry huge guilt about that.

What makes this confusing is that I genuinely do love her. But I also feel like my nervous system is constantly in survival mode. During conflicts, I often completely shut down mentally. I lose access to my thoughts, can’t articulate myself, and just try to survive the moment. Sometimes I feel terrified of losing her, and other times I feel desperate to escape the intensity entirely.

I think part of why I stayed frozen for so long is because I genuinely couldn’t tell the difference between “I don’t want this relationship” and “I’m so overwhelmed by everything that I can’t tell what I actually want anymore.” That ambiguity has haunted me for years.

I also relate a lot to what people here describe about slowly losing themselves in these dynamics. I’ve become isolated, emotionally exhausted, disconnected from friends, and stuck in a constant state of guilt and hypervigilance. Even small decisions or tasks now overwhelm me. Sometimes I just wish I could get a break from the internal turmoil I’m carrying.

At the same time, imagining an actual conversation about breaking up or separating feels almost impossible. I know from past ruptures that it would likely bring a massive emotional explosion, and I honestly don’t know if I’m mentally capable of handling that right now. I should also add that I live in my partner’s home country (in an apartment her family owns), where I don’t really have family or close friends. So when she has threatened to kick me out during fights, it basically means I have nowhere to go and would be frantically trying to find somewhere to stay. It has never gone that far, because she usually calms down and takes it back, but the realization is that I don’t feel safe or secure in this “home.” A conversation about splitting up would likely lead to being thrown out, or at least to the fear of that becoming very real.

At this point, I honestly don’t know whether this relationship can heal, or whether we’ve both become too damaged inside it. I’m trying to untangle what is trauma, what is avoidance, what is fear, and what is reality.

I think I’m posting because I don’t really have anyone I can openly talk to about this besides my therapist, and reading other people’s experiences here has made me feel less alone. I'm trying to take my therapist's urging to "reach out to people" in some way, but trying to talk to my family or friends about this is difficult.

I welcome any thoughts or suggestions. Perhaps someone else has been in this kind of situation and can perhaps provide some insight.

Thanks immensely for reading and looking forward to connecting more with this community.

[hotchip]

Hey there, lots of care and gentleness to you as you navigate this painful situation.

The first thing that strikes me from your post is that many of the strategies we might use in order to improve a bad relationship, have already been tried. You love each other, yet this is not enough. She is repeatedly

apologetic, ashamed, and emotionally devastated by her own behaviour

yet her behaviour doesn't change. She and you are already in therapy.

Are there any other steps you can think of? If not, it may be reasonable to expect that the way things are in your relationship now, is how they will continue in future, unless you put some distance between yourself and the relationship. At least for long enough to think things through.

So when she has threatened to kick me out during fights, it basically means I have nowhere to go and would be frantically trying to find somewhere to stay.

This seems abusive to me. It is abusive to leverage material and economic power over someone else like this. It entrenches a harmful power dynamic between two people, who should be 'partners', loving equals. You do not deserve this and you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

Do you have family or friends back in your country of origin who might be able to spot you some cash? Do you have savings? It might be worth looking up cheap accommodation options so that you can take time away from this toxic dynamic. Sometimes hostels have discounts for stays over a week. If you are a foreigner, depending on the country you are in, you might be able to volunteer in exchange for a bed, if money is an issue.

I really feel for you. After my uBPDx demanded I leave our shared room, I spent 2 and a half months bouncing between friends' couches in different cities. It was hard, but I have come out the other side, and you can too.

[ebb401]

Hey there, lots of care and gentleness to you as you navigate this painful situation.

Hi hotchip, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. This was a very kind and helpful post.

The first thing that strikes me from your post is that many of the strategies we might use in order to improve a bad relationship, have already been tried.

I was afraid of this. I really wondered if there were other things to try, or perhaps I’ve been looking at it all the wrong way. But thank you for confirming this.

This seems abusive to me. It is abusive to leverage material and economic power over someone else like this. It entrenches a harmful power dynamic between two people, who should be 'partners', loving equals. You do not deserve this and you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

Definitely. I didn’t get into all the details, because it was exhausting enough to write I wrote as my first post. But in my therapy sessions, my therapist has clearly stated that I have been dealing with emotional abuse. And that a lot of what I’m going through creates an environment where I don’t feel safe. This has also affected my ability to move forward, and the great moments have also affected my ability to step out of the relationship. In some way, this kind of dynamic is what I had growing up with my family, so it seemed familiar in a sense. And like my parents never showing proper conflict resolution, I too grew up without the proper skills to have boundaries and to be able to make such drastic and hard decisions.

Are there any other steps you can think of? If not, it may be reasonable to expect that the way things are in your relationship now, is how they will continue in future, unless you put some distance between yourself and the relationship. At least for long enough to think things through.

This is what I am dealing with right now. I tried to express the idea of separation, but because her window for having children gets smaller and smaller, the idea of finding herself without a partner causes a great amount of anger and turmoil.

Do you have family or friends back in your country of origin who might be able to spot you some cash? Do you have savings? It might be worth looking up cheap accommodation options so that you can take time away from this toxic dynamic.

Yes, I do. And I do have some savings. But it’s really the concepts of not knowing where to go and who am I without this relationship. And with the absolute unknown that is waiting for me, I find that immensely overwhelming. Plus, over a decade of sharing a life with her, the amount of things we have together, etc.

But yes, I am not completely without any kind of support to fall back on. Although, I am completely ashamed and scared of letting my family into the details of my situation. As they have kind of been pressing me for years to either move forward with the relationship or step away. It’s kind of admitting to them that they were completely right, that I have “wasted her best years” due to my inability to make decisions.

I really feel for you. After my uBPDx demanded I leave our shared room, I spent 2 and a half months bouncing between friends' couches in different cities. It was hard, but I have come out the other side, and you can too.

I appreciate your kindness. I’m also sorry for the terrible experience you had to go through. I’m happy to hear you’ve come out on the other side in a much better situation. I really hope for a similar outcome, but right now I’m just so overwhelmed. Thank you again for taking the time to write, it really means a lot to me.

[Horselover]

Hi Ebb410,

That sounds like a very challenging situation. I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts. Firstly, you are taking her wasted years of fertility upon yourself as your personal responsibility, when in fact, she has agency in this as well. Over the past decade, she could have ended the relationship if she felt you were holding her back from having children. Secondly, while you may have genuine "commitment phobia" or challenges with decision making, and this could be something for you to work on, it is also possible that you had trouble committing because you instinctively felt the relationship was abusive and unsafe. So this would actually be a normal and healthy response, rather than a problem. Regardless, the same principle applies as above. If she saw that you were not committing over the course of a decade, she could have chosen to move on. You did not hold her hostage at gunpoint. We are all only responsible for ourselves.

I am saying this as someone who struggles with both of the issues you are raising from the other side - feeling like my BPD husband has wasted some of my fertility years and also feeling like he is keeping our relationship stagnant and not able to move forward. Whenever these thoughts of blame come to my mind, I remind myself that while he may be behaving in ways that negatively affect me and are inappropriate, I have free choice over how to respond and how long to remain in the relationship. So while I don't absolve him from his bad choices, I don't have to see myself as a victim to them.

[ebb401]

I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts. Firstly, you are taking her wasted years of fertility upon yourself as your personal responsibility, when in fact, she has agency in this as well. Over the past decade, she could have ended the relationship if she felt you were holding her back from having children.

Hi Horselover, thank you so much for your message and thoughts. I think why I feel this massive guilt is because I had given her hope, told her that I will get there, and my fawning continued without ever moving forward. I know that my fawning was supposed to be protective when I was young, but as an adult, I feel so much anger at myself, that I let things go on this way and created so much damage. My therapist has repeated this to me as well ("she could have left"), but she has said to me that she wanted to have a life with me, imagined having children with me, didn't want to be with anyone else. Essentially, she kept forgiving me for the many missed deadlines and ultimatums because of the fact that she wanted to be with me, and that just breaks my heart thinking about it all now.

Whenever these thoughts of blame come to my mind, I remind myself that while he may be behaving in ways that negatively affect me and are inappropriate, I have free choice over how to respond and how long to remain in the relationship. So while I don't absolve him from his bad choices, I don't have to see myself as a victim to them.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through these things yourself from the other side. I hadn't realized that it could also go the other way. I imagined that partners of someone dealing with BPD are the ones having doubts. I'm relieved to read that you do not see yourself as a victim, even though I can imagine how hard it has been for you. My partner definitely sees herself as a victim, that I've taken away her chances at the life she wanted to have, and has said as much, even this evening, when I tried to express some thoughts about "not being ready." She broke down and decided to go stay with family in another city.

Sitting here alone now, in the apartment, looking around at all the memories and elements from our life together, I realize that I do miss her terribly in this moment, especially when I sense that this could be nearing an end to the relationship. I don't know why I don't always feel this way in other moments. I start to think that I've been rather foolish, that I've been perhaps sabotaging things unnecessarily. But I also do realize that it's important to have a moment to regulate myself and try to think clearly.

Thank you again for message and your kindness. I wish you plenty of healing as well along your journey with your husband.

[hotchip]

Ebb, from your posts here, it sounds like you are quite clear in yourself that the right thing to do is to end this relationship, but feel paralysed or struggling because of the pain this entails.

How does this line up with expressing thoughts to your partner about 'not being ready' to have kids? That sounds like quite a different trajectory - that you still see a future in the relationship.

[ForeverDad]

You will find frequent mention of BPD "FOG" on this site and elsewhere.

• Fear ... of threats, pressure, intimidation, disparagement, more ragefests, etc
• Obligation ... the years in the relationship don't make it easy for us to step away and observe the dysfunctional relationship objectively
• Guilt ... if we decide the relationship is unhealthy, since we are indoctrinated by childhood FOO or the relationship's history "It's All Your Fault!"

This is a peer support site.  We've walked in your shoes; we've "been there, experienced that".  There is immense collective wisdom here in the posts, topics and various boards.  We can share communication skills that can address some of the discord in your lives, much of it you will have already heard from your therapist.

We can also confirm that you can't "fix" your spouse.  It appears your spouse is trying to work on her issues just as you're working on yours.  We don't sugar coat here, well, not too much.  It may be that your marriage doesn't have a healthy, functional future.  What you decide for your future is your decision and yours alone.  We are remote and anonymous peer support and not here as experts.  That is why we urge you that seeing therapists is good for both of you, no matter the end result of the relationship.

Whether you decide the relationship does or does not have a future, I would caution you about the inclination that having children might save the relationship.  While children are wonder blessings, they do not fix troubled or dysfunctional relationships.  Rather, having children vastly complicates everything... whether the marriage continues or it ends.

My story... I had been married for over a decade and thought that my increasingly troubled spouse would find happiness if we had a child.  Frankly, I was desperate but clueless.  After his birth she grew apart from me and became more troubled.  I did not realize it at the time but, upon looking back, I believe my morphing from just husband to also a father was a huge trigger for her.  (Both her parents were disordered.  I can only conclude that once I became a father, she was reminded of her abusive stepfather.)  Our home life with a child didn't improve, it worsened even faster than before.  So when our marriage did implode within a few years, the police, social services and courts were involved.  Since we were parents, there were the added custody and parenting aspects and years of agency intervention that made unwinding our marriage vastly more complicated.