Trying to be strong and stick to my decisions

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My wife has been pushing for a move many hundred of kilometers away, because she has some support from her relatives there and has not managed to build / maintain a social life where we live now. Earlier it was us thinking about moving and discussing potential locations, then quite suddenly, it feels like, it was "I will move to where my relatives live no matter what you say, and the only alternative is divorce". No chance for any discussion.

In February I finally gathered my courage and told her that with options like that, I'd rather just divorce. Given how much we argue and in how unhealthy ways, it feels like the best choice considering our children (1 and 4) anyway.
I would not block the children from moving (since I recognize without me she really does need her relatives) which means I'll end up moving as well, I just don't won't to do it with her. 

She was shocked, and also tells me it was never meant as an ultimatum. She only meant she doesn't believe in long distance marraige, and was too scared by the prospect of me trying to stop her to manage a proper discussion. She then insisted on some heart-to-heart discussions ("since I always demand we should talk") and to be honest, actually listened for the first time in I don't know how long. Then she told me she got some ground breaking insights from what I told her, and that she now was able to see me in a more positive light, making it possible to work on some of our long standing issues.

I was more than a little skeptic, but somehow against my better knowledge ended up seeing where it would go. All the while the move in June creeping closer.
So she's been a lot nicer to me when things are fine. It feels really weird, actually being touched by her and so on.

However, it seems when things are not fine, things have not changed that much. End of April, start of May we had three weeks with about as many days with arguments as without. One of these arguments came from a parenting situation in which I repeatedly asked her to stop what she was doing, and she didn't even acknowledge I was talking to her, and I brought it up later and she showed no sign of understanding why I was bothered. The other we had in the morning in front of the children, it was nastyish, she even involved the older one (in a minor way only, but still a huge no-no), and that child went to daycare in tears. She told me the child had told her later it was about something unrelated, which I guess is possible... But yeah, all in all I don't think the situation has dramatically changed nor is it tolerable.

So I told her last week I think we better go back to moving to separate addresses. And she has gone back to convincing me it's a bad idea. She even tried to kiss me the other day, first time in four years I think.

I am trying to hang on to the main idea. I've made up my mind and I don't have to change it, no matter what anyone says or whatever happens.
I am really worried what happens when she realizes I will stick to my decision.
I am worried she's not stable and safe enough for the children.
I fear how hard is she going to make coparenting - she has expressed the idea that children moving between two homes is harmful to them, so she'll let that happen "over her dead body" only - concerning enough for the high-conflict outlook, even if not considering her threats of suicide and child murder from two, three years ago
I fear she needs to make sure the children know I am the bad guy and her life is ruined because of me
I worry I do a disservice to the children making them go through move, change of daycare and parents divorcing all at the same time
In fact, I worry I do them harm allowing the move in the first place

[Versant]

My wife has been pushing for a move many hundred of kilometers away, because she has some support from her relatives there and has not managed to build / maintain a social life where we live now. Earlier it was us thinking about moving and discussing potential locations, then quite suddenly, it feels like, it was "I will move to where my relatives live no matter what you say, and the only alternative is divorce". No chance for any discussion.

In February I finally gathered my courage and told her that with options like that, I'd rather just divorce. Given how much we argue and in how unhealthy ways, it feels like the best choice considering our children (1 and 4) anyway.
I would not block the children from moving (since I recognize without me she really does need her relatives) which means I'll end up moving as well, I just don't won't to do it with her. 

She was shocked, and also tells me it was never meant as an ultimatum. She only meant she doesn't believe in long distance marraige, and was too scared by the prospect of me trying to stop her to manage a proper discussion. She then insisted on some heart-to-heart discussions ("since I always demand we should talk") and to be honest, actually listened for the first time in I don't know how long. Then she told me she got some ground breaking insights from what I told her, and that she now was able to see me in a more positive light, making it possible to work on some of our long standing issues.

I was more than a little skeptic, but somehow against my better knowledge ended up seeing where it would go. All the while the move in June creeping closer.
So she's been a lot nicer to me when things are fine. It feels really weird, actually being touched by her and so on.

However, it seems when things are not fine, things have not changed that much. End of April, start of May we had three weeks with about as many days with arguments as without. One of these arguments came from a parenting situation in which I repeatedly asked her to stop what she was doing, and she didn't even acknowledge I was talking to her, and I brought it up later and she showed no sign of understanding why I was bothered. The other we had in the morning in front of the children, it was nastyish, she even involved the older one (in a minor way only, but still a huge no-no), and that child went to daycare in tears. She told me the child had told her later it was about something unrelated, which I guess is possible... But yeah, all in all I don't think the situation has dramatically changed nor is it tolerable.

So I told her last week I think we better go back to moving to separate addresses. And she has gone back to convincing me it's a bad idea. She even tried to kiss me the other day, first time in four years I think.

I am trying to hang on to the main idea. I've made up my mind and I don't have to change it, no matter what anyone says or whatever happens.
I am really worried what happens when she realizes I will stick to my decision.
I am worried she's not stable and safe enough for the children.
I fear how hard is she going to make coparenting - she has expressed the idea that children moving between two homes is harmful to them, so she'll let that happen "over her dead body" only - concerning enough for the high-conflict outlook, even if not considering her threats of suicide and child murder from two, three years ago
I fear she needs to make sure the children know I am the bad guy and her life is ruined because of me
I worry I do a disservice to the children making them go through move, change of daycare and parents divorcing all at the same time
In fact, I worry I do them harm allowing the move in the first place

[ForeverDad]

Back in 2023, before you had your second child, your wife filled out divorce papers, so to some extent she's been aware of the divorce aspect for quite some time.

I will mention the custody and parenting aspects in my country.  Most states seem to separate the legal custody aspect of a divorce as a somewhat separate category from the co-parenting schedule.  Should you divorce, the "less bad" outcome would be for the reasonably normal parent to have as much authority during and after the divorce.  (Not that the disordered parent would agree, of course.)

For example, your oldest child will soon be in school, if not already in preschool or daycare.  The course of wisdom as the reasonably normal parent is to limit potential irrational chaos and obstruction in future years by seeking as much legal status and as possible from the very start of the legal process.  If you try to appease by relinquishing custodial Decision Making to your possible ex, then it will almost certainly be exceedingly difficult to fix it later.

Since your spouse may move multiple times during or after a separation/divorce - as mine did - that may impact your employment or your own future life decisions.  However, if you had some sort of "Residential Parent status for schooling" then your ex would be limited in how far away from you she could move with the children.  (Yes, some members here had ex-spouses who purposely moved far away in order to limit their parenting time and options.)

[ForeverDad]

She even tried to kiss me the other day, first time in four years I think.

Hard to imagine how you have a toddler... though remembering what I went through way back in my married years, not so hard to imagine.

I am worried she's not stable and safe enough for the children.
I fear how hard is she going to make coparenting - she has expressed the idea that children moving between two homes is harmful to them, so she'll let that happen "over her dead body" only - concerning enough for the high-conflict outlook, even if not considering her threats of suicide and child murder from two, three years ago

Most family courts will ignore legally speculative concerns, so you will be limited to whatever documented incidents you have now or obtain later in the future.

I fear she needs to make sure the children know I am the bad guy and her life is ruined because of me

This is hard to deal with.  The best you can do is to ensure you seek as much of your portion of the parenting time as possible.  BPD traits are known to be on the extreme end of Blaming and Blame Shifting.  In a separation/divorce you can seek prior approval of the court for the children to have access to long term counseling.  No, the other parent is not to seek a biased or gullible counselor to enable her "sour grapes" perceptions.

I worry I do a disservice to the children making them go through move, change of daycare and parents divorcing all at the same time
In fact, I worry I do them harm allowing the move in the first place

Most courts accept that (1) moves happen and children adjust and (2) divorces happen and children adjust.  That is no reason to limit your parenting or blame you.  Though your spouse can't perceive the concept in a balanced manner, the children should not be placed in the middle of the adult disagreement.   Children should not be handled as objects on a chess board.

Is there a less negative side to the end of a marriage?

All throughout our lives every comment seems to pressure us to believe that remaining together is better and a better example for our children than separating.  However - and this is a huge however - that is when the two adults are reasonably normal adults.  Throw in acting-out (harming others more than acting inward onto self) disorders and that usual advice may need examination.

There is no single fix that resolves all the concerns.  However, there are partial solutions that can improve circumstances.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc... As the saying goes, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

[CC43]

Hi Versant,

I know that the prospect of separation, moving and co-parenting can be confusing and stressful.  I'd just like to say that in my opinion, what's best for the kids is for you to be Happy, Stable, Reliable, Reasonable and Upbeat Dad, not Always Walking on Eggshells, Stressed-Out, Distraught and Constantly Fighting Dad.  Kids move all the time, sometimes across states, sometimes to other countries, and you know what?  They're OK if you're OK.  They adjust quickly when you adjust quickly.  If the change is good for you, it's good for them too, because they'll pick up on your positive energy eventually.  Most of all, if you provide them with a peaceful, nurturing home with a healthy routine and a Happy Dad, that will become their happy place too.  If you can make that happen, then I'd advise, go for as much parenting time as possible.  Your kids probably really need time away from a disordered parent, and they will relish their time with Happy Dad.

You worry about how your wife will react when she realizes you're serious about separating.  If she has untreated BPD, I think it's fair to say that she'll go ballistic.  She tends to act out when she doesn't get her way, correct?  The same goes for working out custody plans.  I think you have to assume she'll be furious and fight you hard.  Plan for the worst, but hope for not-so-bad.  You have to be ready, with resolve, and with documentation.  I think the general advice here is to document, document, document--any abusive, unhealthy or violent actions by your wife which could harm your children.