How do I l actually leave/distance myself

[lisaea1523]

First time posting to this group/topic- I have posted in the bettering relationship post a couple times- I feel this group is more appropriate for this new development in my 2 year relationship. I live with a male borderline and we just had a baby girl 8 weeks ago. I have 2 other children who live with us full time from my previous relationship (age 5 & 8). Our baby is his first child. The relationship has reached a point where it has become intolerable for myself and my children. He isolates himself to our bedroom and I'm forced to isolate myself to the living room and sleep on the couch most nights. The bedroom is pretty much inaccessible because he's sleeping early for work. He fights with me almost daily and forces the kids to hear his rants. He is talking to other women online on dating websites and lists himself as single. He calls my children little assholes, tells them they eat too much, comments on all of their behaviors. He can't tolerate any affection between myself and my children he tells them to stop touching me or get away from me "you're not a baby". He won't allow me to spend any quality time with my children without anger and outbursts. They are so anxious they constantly ask me if he is home or not. He does not know how to parent them and while he tries he says inappropriate things and especially targets my 5 yr old whom he hates. She is the "BAD" one. He rejects me and gives me the silent treatment. He has been verbally abusive to me at times. He refuses to contribute financially in anyway and then complains that there isn't good dinner or foods he likes.

I have asked him to stay somewhere else several times now and a constant cycle repeats where he says he will leave "in a few days" but he never leaves. I have told him we are not breaking up which is true this is just a first step for me -but just physically separating. He still sees it as breaking up - must be all or nothing.  He refuses to leave and I DO NOT have anywhere else I can go- I cannot afford a hotel even for a week or a few days- I have no family support or friends and I refuse to put my children through more chaos and change in their environment. We rent our home and both our names are on the lease however I pay the rent - he has never paid any rent or portion of it. Can my property manager assist me with getting him out of the house? I feel trapped in my own home due to his uncontrollable symptoms and behaviors- my children have reached their breaking point as well.

[PeteWitsend]

... Can my property manager assist me with getting him out of the house? I feel trapped in my own home due to his uncontrollable symptoms and behaviors- my children have reached their breaking point as well.

First of all... this is a terrible situation, especially for your kids, and unfortunately there's probably not an easy solution. 

This might not be something it's possible to resolve anytime soon, barring an absolute meltdown by your partner that would land him in jail, or otherwise allow a judge to issue a protective order against him.

Consider breaking this into smaller steps. 

As far as getting him out of the house, if both your names are on the lease, that's not likely to happen without a legal reason (like him getting arrested for something).  He has a legal right to be there, period.  It might take a formal eviction notice being filed against him, which would take time to be resolved in court (and that amount of time would vary depending on where you live). 

If you have a decent person for a landlord, perhaps you could explain the situation to them and see if they could let you out of the lease so you could move elsewhere.  But if not, that could become problematic. 

You need to see an attorney for some legal advice.  Can you get a referral for one in your area?  You could perhaps pay for an hour consultation to get some advice on your options up front, without having to resort to a full representation (and the $5K+ retainer you'd have to put up for that). 

There also might be legal aid organizations in your area that could help you for free or refer you to someone who can help. 

You need to come up with a discreet way to document and record his abusive conduct.  Voice recorder maybe? Or hit the voice memo function on your phone whenever you're with him?  Practice doing this so it becomes easy and habitual.  Almost needless to say, emphasis on the word "discreet": when pwBPD realize they're being recorded, it escalates the problem. 

Until you can get a resolution, don't make or allow any further changes that further tie you and your children to him.  And if he pushes, you need to avoid making a decision; maybe come up with excuses if you can't find it in yourself to openly confront him.