Six years too late? It's never too late.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

*a few nice smiles and conversations wandering through my days, and it felt really nice to just... feel like someone was being nice? Genuinely?

[bluebird314]

*a few nice smiles and conversations wandering through my days, and it felt really nice to just... feel like someone was being nice? Genuinely?

[Pook075]

Hi everyone!

I found a good divorce mediator and have passed the contact along to my wife; I'm fairly certain I'm in a discard phase so this might be great. My own therapist and I are working through mental preparations for the charming or future anger that gets thrown my direction. This past week has been almost no contact and - frankly - it's been so restorative.

I've made a promise to myself to focus on mind and health for the remainder of this year. We don't need to be thinking about dating or anything, haha. But I'll say it was really nice; I've received a few a few nice smiles and conversations wandering through my days, and it felt really nice to just... feel like someone was being nice? Genuinely?

Step... by... step. I'm hoping the mediator e-mail doesn't create drama, but I was tasked with it... so, it shouldn't? Ah. Shouldn't. The illogical word.

All good stuff.  You're putting yourself first and you're creating a plan to move forward.  Either she agrees to it or she doesn't.

The biggest part is that you're healing while going through this process; that's the hardest aspect and you're handling it like a champ.  You'll continue to gain clarity as this process unfolds as well, week by week, you'll be a little bit more you.

[ForeverDad]

I found a good divorce mediator and have passed the contact along to my wife; I'm fairly certain I'm in a discard phase so this might be great. My own therapist and I are working through mental preparations for the charming or future anger that gets thrown my direction

Depending on what shared assets and debts there are, a divorce mediator may be unable to succeed.  Let me restate that... Most of us tried mediation, after all it is a required second step in a divorce, after the initial temp order.  So don't be disappointed if it ultimately ends with a stalemate.

However, most of our divorces do eventually end in settlements.  That is partly due to the multiple steps in a divorce but more likely due to the court willing to put off making rulings or decisions and instead allow repeated continuances.  (Judges don't like making decisions since they don't want an appeal to a higher court to reverse a decision.)  It's as if the court is a reluctant referee stating, "Be adults, you can work this out, so just do it."  Alas, our cases don't involve two reasonably normal adults.

I've made a promise to myself to focus on mind and health for the remainder of this year. We don't need to be thinking about dating or anything, haha. But I'll say it was really nice; I've received a few

It is nice to have normal conversations with overall positive people, isn't it?  But we are wise to avoid getting into another relationship before we have a measure of recovery from this one.  How to know when we are rebalanced and ready?  One way to realize this might be an undesirable rebound relationship is if we keep talking about all the crazy making experiences with our new ex.  Better to work those aspects out with a counselor.

[PeteWitsend]

Thank you, all of you. It means a lot.

Tonight has been another rollercoaster- ya’ll ain’t lying when you say there are hard times ahead, hah.

It’s almost insane to watch it go from normal to aggressive to really wounded and angry in single text threads. We’ve reached the “you must be sleeping with someone else” “I’m going to go sleep with someone else” segment. Meanwhile I’m lying on a rug with the cats she wanted and didn’t want.

Inside? I’m at peace. Hell, I’m going to go to bed early.

Prepare yourself for being "recycled" quickly. 

I would say that it's easier for a woman to find a man and get hooked up than vice versa, but I don't know if that's true or fair.  I can say with some certainty that it's definitely easier for a person with no standards and no qualms about using people to get hooked up quickly. 

[bluebird314]

Prepare yourself for being "recycled" quickly. 

Oh god, I welcome this if it means I get to move on

Mentally, I'm preparing for all the possibilities. Hopefully her DBT specialist aides keeping her anchored throughout. Fingers are crossed, mind is guarded, heart is in recovery mode on a beach somewhere.

[PeteWitsend]

Oh god, I welcome this if it means I get to move on

Mentally, I'm preparing for all the possibilities. Hopefully her DBT specialist aides keeping her anchored throughout. Fingers are crossed, mind is guarded, heart is in recovery mode on a beach somewhere.

yeah, it happened in my case, and she kept trying to play coy and expected me to get upset, as though I cared that she was with someone else.  My only concern was for who was she allowing to be around my daughter.  I had more or less moved on well before we actually separated and filed for divorce and was happy to be out of there.  If it hadn't been for our daughter together, I don't think I would have ever spoken to her again after I moved out. 

ironically, when we divorced, she pushed for a "morality clause" in our temporary orders, stating that no members of the opposite sex were allowed to sleep over when our child was there.  She started violating this a couple months following our separation.  She had no concern whatsoever for anyone other than herself.

[bluebird314]

I’m so sorry. That’s a rough position to be in.

Why didn’t they give us a manual for this in SexEd? Hah!

Tonight I packed away pictures and memories. I don’t want to destroy them yet but I don’t want them in my apartment. I read a lot of cards. I think she meant what she wrote. She was earnest in those moments. But the moments clouded and the emotions rolled in.

I’ll be happy when this is behind me. And when it is, I’m going to be here whenever I can to help others who are seeking.

Thank you all so much for absorbing my pain while you can, how you can. I come here instead of Instagram (off of it) and this is my anti-drug.

Family.

[Pook075]

I’m so sorry. That’s a rough position to be in.

Why didn’t they give us a manual for this in SexEd? Hah!

Tonight I packed away pictures and memories. I don’t want to destroy them yet but I don’t want them in my apartment. I read a lot of cards. I think she meant what she wrote. She was earnest in those moments. But the moments clouded and the emotions rolled in.

I’ll be happy when this is behind me. And when it is, I’m going to be here whenever I can to help others who are seeking.

Thank you all so much for absorbing my pain while you can, how you can. I come here instead of Instagram (off of it) and this is my anti-drug.

Family.

That's right.  Family!  We'll get through this together.

[bluebird314]

HoooOOOooowee nothing like a Thursday morning spiral to remind me I'm in the right direction! Along with it come observations:

(a) I am not engaging with the rage bate or responding to accusations.
(b) My nerves recovered much more quickly this time, and I stayed emotionally grounded.
(c) My desire to argue the logic of statements and/or accusations has left... there's just no arguing with her version of the world.

Recovered. Didn't engage. Moved forward.

Did make me wonder: how often do you think they peruse this site? I'm guessing that's happened (especially in contested environments).

Off to a phone call with my mediator. I'm not revealing anything to her about my wife's condition as it's irrelevant to mediation. That's a next step, can't-get-mediation-to-work reveal. We'll see.

Have a good day, all.

[PeteWitsend]

...

Did make me wonder: how often do you think they peruse this site? I'm guessing that's happened (especially in contested environments).

...

I think it's less than we expect; BPDers look for 3rd parties to get involved online and triangulate with, and the people who comment here are pretty even-keeled and don't post into a lot of righteous "OH MY GOD YOU POOR THING, LEAVE THAT EVIL MONSTER" kinda things that feed drama, or throws fuel on a fire, to use another metaphor.  I have wondered about some posters from time to time, but they tend to wander away when they don't get those dopamine hits from additional drama here.

I have posted on other sites related to marital/relationship advice, and they're often cesspools of judgement and drama.  Sometimes you can get some advice there, but a lot of times, it just adds to your issues when other people try to pick fights with you because they have their own axe to grind.
 

Still, it's good to keep a lot of information that could be used to identify yourself out of posts.  No need to post your actual location, names, ages, or other personally identifiable information.  In fact, I think it's best to make up background information to the extent it's not needed for others to provide advice. 

So for example, if you live in Delaware, say you live in Maryland or something.  And so on. 

[Pook075]

HoooOOOooowee nothing like a Thursday morning spiral to remind me I'm in the right direction! Along with it come observations:

(a) I am not engaging with the rage bate or responding to accusations.
(b) My nerves recovered much more quickly this time, and I stayed emotionally grounded.
(c) My desire to argue the logic of statements and/or accusations has left... there's just no arguing with her version of the world.

Recovered. Didn't engage. Moved forward.

Did make me wonder: how often do you think they peruse this site? I'm guessing that's happened (especially in contested environments).

Off to a phone call with my mediator. I'm not revealing anything to her about my wife's condition as it's irrelevant to mediation. That's a next step, can't-get-mediation-to-work reveal. We'll see.

Have a good day, all.

It certainly does get easier over time, because the patterns become much clearer.  She yelled at you because she's sick.  So what?  Let her yell as you say goodbye and wish her a great day.

I would literally "kill my ex with kindness" and I think that bothered her more than anything.  Several times she asked why I wasn't fighting back and I simply said, "Because I love you and there's no reason to argue."  It rocked her entire reality- why is this hateful, abusive man so nice to me all the time?  Huh, maybe he's not an abusive, hateful man after all.

It will continue to get easier as the FOG fades.  You should be proud of yourself because you've been doing great.