Not sure if I can take anymore

[sm1981]

I've been with my partner 8 years he's undiagnosed but is undergoing assessments (so he tells me - not sure what to believe as he's promised before to seek help and didn't follow it up)  for a variety of things (he's been having weekly/2 weekly appointments with mental health team since before Xmas.

I feel like the last 8 years have consisted of constant cycles of huge blow ups (adult toddler tantrums) then a period of calm ground zero where things are okay again and then round and round we go.  It used to be when it was good it was really good - but now even then its not great.

Birthdays, Christmas , holidays are all spoiled.  He's regularly verbally abusive to me (I've asked him not to call me a c**t til I'm blue in the face but its his favourite word for me - his answer "if you don't want to be called one don't be one)

I've recently attended a domestic violence support group which was met with complete contempt - he calls it my "club" and that we all sit around smugly about how we're "survivors" - he says I'm not abused (I can categorically say he is an abuser mostly verbal sometimes physical)

Every argument is me causing a scene , me orchestrating it, me wasting hours arguing - when it's the opposite- its him!

He escalates everything shouting and intimidating.  I'm at the end of my tether . 

We've just come back from a group holiday which he nearly didnt go on , threatening to cut his passport up and chucking the contents of his bag all over the floor minutes before we needed to leave.  He felt the holiday went well- he was moody snappy, sometimes okay , sometimes not - lying in bed til nearly 11am every day- making everyone wait for him (this is common for him he's made an art form of being 5 minutes late for everything.  Sunday night he just went on and on (drunk - he's a big drinker) so I asked him to go which he finally has.  I need a break.

I'm getting text after text blaming me or that I'm blaming him, total victim complex.  He loves emojis - I'm a clown, a rat, all my friends sit around smugly talking about him (I try not to bring him up to be honest)

Recently I've lost a lot of weight and have started putting myself first more- this has been a massive trigger for him.

I don't know what I'm looking for - other than venting , but I do have a question for anyone who knows the process in the UK , is what he describes (weekly assessments over a few weeks ) typical ?  I think they are also assessing for bipolar and other things .

Help !

[SuperDaddy]

Hi sm1981 ,

No, the BPD assessment does not take weeks. It is done in a single session. The therapist should already know the patient well before doing this, but the actual assessment is done based on a series of questions that the patient and therapist answer together, and it doesn't take too long. Are you sure he is going to where he says he is going?

The pwBPD will only get diagnosed if they ever find a therapist with whom they feel safe and not criticized, and that's what DBT is designed to do.

Do you know for certain why you are still in this relationship? Is it because the good moments were very good and you wished they would happen more often? Is it an emotional necessity of yours to have those good moments?

Do you want to divorce but find obstacles? Or do you want to fix the relationship? Have you considered LAT (living apart together)?