Divorce updates - stbx doesn't know yet but falsely told someone I cheated...

[campbembpd]

Hey, all, it’s been a while since my last post. Just an update and advice on a couple of things.

I think the last time I posted I mentioned that I did hire the lawyer. I’ve just completed the extensive financial affidavit. Wow, was in depth. Going through that - there is absolutely NO WAY my stbx would be able to do that. I don't know how other couples do this. But either I need to help her (as I've always done), or she'll go through it herself (and will absolutely not be accurate and be low in her income and high in her expenses), or she will need to hire someone which will cost money from our limited estate. I would be fine with getting her financials and doing it but what's the chance of that right?

Meeting with my lawyer this week for our first one-on-one following the initial 1 hour consultation. I’ve done my best to be very detailed and filling out the financial affidavit. I’m trying to do as much work as I can to keep billable hours down. I definitely appreciate any other advice on this. I’m not afraid of doing leg work, research or comp completing documentation.

My wife still has no idea that this is happening. My target right now is still mid March. I feel a little like Julia Roberts in that movie sleeping with the enemy… Making plans and have everything lined up before I move ahead with anything officially to escape. I’ve got a UPS mailbox for an alternate mailing address. I’ve also just opened a storage unit.  I have a couple of life insurance policies and now that I’ve got an ultra mailing address. I’m changing the beneficiary to my daughter with a letter of intent. I didn't want to update the policy before updating the mailing address in case something came to the house. I have the storage unit to move important items out of the house and have things protected (so she doesn't destroy a bunch of stuff) or in case she does make a false police statement and I get removed temporarily.

Despite all her BS I am feeling some guilt keeping this charade on. Even though she’s done horrible, really despicable things to me. I feel guilty going on with this pretense that I’m still invested in keeping the relationship alive and working through things. I know it’s not for ill intention, I have to do this for safety purposes and to keep the peace until I’m ready to file/tell her we’re divorcing. But there was a marriage conference at our church the other week. We went to that, talk about awkward. It’s one of those things where me not going would put up so many red flags. But I'm trying to win an academy award an make her think it's business as usual. Right now it’s about keeping the peace as much as possible and not letting on we're divorcing. Got 3-4 weeks to go...

I don’t have any reservations about proceeding with the divorce. We had another episode the last few days. I say we, but I really mean she had an episode. Just for context, my wife drinks daily. If she drinks less than a bottle of wine that’s very out of the ordinary. She also vapes marijuana every night. Usually by around dinner time. She’s just high and drunk most of the time in the evening evenings. The other evening she was in her altered state, talking into her sister, mostly venting about me but it was getting late. I’m usually up by 5 AM, so I really try to lay down by 9 to 9:30. Finally in about 10 PM she was still on the phone and I just told her I was going to sleep. I needed to get up early. She comes to bed not too long after that, I’ve already got my eye mask on the lights are off and my White Noise is on. She’s feeling horny and wants some intimacy so starts trying to cuddle me. I don’t really want to be physical anyway but at this point I’m trying to wind myself down for sleep. I say exactly that - I’m tired, not in a sexy mood. She gets upset, starts talking about feeling rejected and we haven’t been intimate lately. Wants to start getting into it. I sat calm and say I’m not talking about this now, we can talk tomorrow. I reiterate I’m getting up early and so is she.

She presses, so I say I’m going to sleep and not talking about this. If she won’t stop talking I’ll need to go to the spare room.

I went to the spare room and locked the door. Was wound up now but tried my best to relax. She starts calling my phone over and over. I pickup on the 4th time to tell her I’m not talking about this (in hindsight I realize it was a mistake to pickup at all).  Then she comes to the door. Sad/angry/drunk trying to convince me to fix this tonight. I respond I won’t but will come to bed if we can go to sleep. Back in the room after laying down she starts talking. I say ok, since she won’t let me sleep I’m staying in the spare room. Now she sits in front of the door. Telling me she won’t leave and I’ll just have to hit her if I want her to move. After egging me on for a while I finally lost my cool for a moment and called her a psychopath… that’s how she was acting. After realizing I wasn’t talking she moved away from the door.

I make it back to the spare room. She again followed this time screaming and crying loudly. Begging me to come to bed and not lock her out. This is almost 11pm now. My adult disabled son is upset yelling for her to be quiet. She promised she would go to sleep if I came to bed. For my kids I tried again and went to the bedroom. She actually stayed quiet and we were able to go to sleep.

Since then it was 3 days of how badly I mistreated her etc. Her demanding I see her side and apologize, make promises I won't stonewall her again and will not lock the door. (during the episode she also threatened to remove the door off the hinges and tried to tell me I can't use that room for safety because its the room her mom stays in when she's with us). I can’t even describe my frustration. It’s all the same pattern. She wants unlimited access at any time of day or night. Any reasonable boundary - such as no getting into any discussions when alcohol is invoked or depriving me of sleep is me being mean or not giving her space or stonewalling. She used that a lot so probably something she recently learned from her therapist. The crazy party is I did NOT see this for years and years. Makes me sad for the time I've lost. Grateful for more and more clarity.

Nothing really changed. I just held out until she got to baseline today.

But there was another disturbing development from all this. I think the 2nd night of her episode she told me the some old friends through church from where we lived like 10 years ago just got divorced and she was texting the wife.  Making a little passive aggressive innuendos that maybe she’ll be her new texting buddy (insinuating that she could get tips, or maybe she would leave me) - I could only wish...  That night when she was drunk and high and went to lay down early, she left her phone out in the living room. So I went through her messages and saw the exchange. Right near the beginning of the exchange she flat out told this woman that I stepped out on the marriage and cheated on her! That is complete fabrication and a lie. I wanted to yell and run to her right then... But didn't. Being strategic.

Every time something happens, especially that last bit it’s just so much validation that I’m absolutely doing the right thing. I’m mean this so insane, the steps I’m having to go through. How secretive I’m having to be. 

So yeah, my next steps are to meet with the lawyer, figure out next steps there. I think the biggest thing for me is to figuring out the proper set and setting to have the conversation with her. And how to tell my adult kids. Right now my intention is to tell them ahead of time, my daughter for sure. I wanna make sure she hears it from me in a calm way. I know she’ll be sad, but I cannot imagine she’ll be that surprised…

As far as the message to someone spreading a false rumor about me and making a complete false allegation. I did take a picture of it so I have a record of it. And I am going to confront her with it probably in a week or so. I just want to hear what she has to say about it and make sure I record it. My other thought was wait until I tell her I’m divorcing. I figure there’s a good chance way of getting something on a voice recording with her incriminating herself, stating something like she’ll lie or say whatever she needs to say to ruin me or she’ll tell everybody I cheated even though it wasn't true. Or she might retract and state she knows I didn't cheat. Anyway - the particular person she told I don't really care about but that could eventually get around and spread to people I do care about (plus she will probably tell others the same thing) I think she's either painting herself as the victim to garner sympathy or projecting something she's done in the past. I think the former is more likely. Either way it would be beneficial to have something recorded to defend myself moving forward...

Anyways, happy Sunday! Lol

[Pook075]

That's a lot of progress in just a short period of time- how are you feeling with all of this?  Are you finding any time for yourself to process things?  I would be very frustrated in that position.