Im breaking my silence to share and learn.

[PDQuick]

I havent gone looking for her to come back. In fact, I have been NC in the past. She will start calling, and the frequency will increase. I know she is a married woman, and I have not pursued her. This latest attempt seemed to be legitimate, and I decided to let it play out, without emotional involvement, just to see what would happen. And it went exactly as I predicted. Further punching that proverbial nail down even further. Further increasing my resolve about who she really is, not who I wanted her to be.

I am not sorry for this latest round of BS, simply because I knew it would happen, and I have taken away a lot from it. I cant speak for all B/NPD's, but this one will never change, no matter what. I see her so clearly now. Its funny how you can live with someone 13 years, and never really know the real person you live with. I had some serious blinders on. I hid her true persona from myself, because I was so in love with the illusion of being in love. I wanted someone to love so badly that I, as a sheep, let a wolf into my life, my home, and my bed. And I really wondered for a long time why I had been bitten, almost consumed. I played the victim, and I played it well. Oh poor me, how could anyone do this to me, I love her so much. The truth is that she had nothing to do with this whole situation. At least she was being true to herself. I have to give her that. She was, and is, what she always has been. The only thing changing here is my perception. I have thrown down the victim persona, and have started owning my own mistakes, misfortunes, and misperceptions. It was my need to be loved, and to love that perpetuated this whole thing for 13 years. I was, and still am the damaged one. And that is ok. I can, and am changing that. The first step towards any solution is understanding what has to change and what needs to be done.

So with this, I entered into this last re-engagement as final proof that I am the one, and she is not. She acted exactly as I knew she would. She is very consistant in that department. The inconsistancy that went on this time is that I didnt get emotionally attatched to her or the situation. I understood that this is not what I wanted, and needed. It was more like the final experament in a long stream of them to finally prove my theory, and it did. The dance continued for all of those years because of my neediness, my list of dysfunctions, and again, that is ok. A mistake is only a mistake if you learn nothing from it. I have learned volumes about myself, and the journey will continue. Again, its funny how you can live with yourself for 36 years, and not know the true person deep inside. We all have the capacity and capability to hide things from ourselves. I am a perfect example of that. 8 months ago, I was a lost soul, so in love, so heartbroken, and wanting her to realize that I am the man for her. Now, I realize that I never really loved her, I loved how she made me feel on occasion, and I loved the thought of being in love. I am not heartbroken anymore, yet I am almost thankful to her for opening up my eyes and letting me see the real me inside.And now, instead of wanting her to see that I am the man for her, I realize that she is not the woman for me, and thank god that at least during the 13 years of our relationship, I never married her, and never had a child born into this dysfunctionship.

Please dont think I was offended by anyones post, I just figured I would write this down, so hopefully someone that is coming up the same road I have come up can see what I have gone through. I know this isnt the last dealing with her, after all I do know her so well. I will talk to her again, and thats ok, because I know who and how she is now. She can only hurt me if I let her, and to let her would mean that I would have to forget all that I have learned, and as painful as it was to learn, I dont think I will ever forget. Besides, it isnt about her anymore, it is about me, and to be totally honest, thats all that matters. I am finally back in control of my own destiny, and it feels good. It is scary, but it has to be done for my happiness, and I am focused on that. I am focused on me. Again, not her. She is just a learning curve in my lifes education.

[csandra]

WOW and thanks.  I could have written that word for word if only my mind would slow down and clear out the dust.  I like it that you don't belittle her. 

Yeah , the focus has to be on us.  Though we could certainly survive on bitterness and resentment we would only be keeping a place for them in our hearts.  As long as I keep a place in my heart for my stbx, it takes up too much room from myself and anyone else.

[Jewls]

csandra, I think Mr. Quick's post rings true for many of us. 

Eureka!

You said what I've been trying to find the words for (again) and that, my dear PDQ, I thank you for once again.

Jewls

[methinkso]

Pdq,

And you know what is so great about this, even though it is painful?

You can never go BACK. You can never unlearn, unfeels ~ and be back where you 'were'.

It's growth.

You sound so strong, and that strength will continue to grow and you will be free!

Painful though it was/is, I am happy for you.

Mts

[blondie]

PDQ,

Yours are some of the best posts on recovery I have ever read. You have put the words down in a special way, there is the honesty, the recognition, then the test by fire of your progress. And your knowledge now. That can never be taken away from you. Wow, just wow!

Welcome, my friend. Welcome to the place you really are on the outside looking foreward to only your own future. There is still some scar tissue in the heart and mind, but that's the easier part. It heals pretty much on its own, and isnt nearly as painful.

Pat

[TonyC]

pd i needed a drink tonight cause ive had a rough couple of days...

but came home ...just wanted to tell you

you did great...

you recognized... with your brain...

now you have closure...

tony

[bewildered2]

pdq,

sounds like you looked down and noticed the ruby slippers you were wearing.

your posts are truly inspirational.

i guess you've earned your citizenship badge for kansas now. hope to see you there soon enough.

congratulations and well done,

b2

[free]

What an amazing post! Thanks...you give hope to those of us who are still struggling with stay/leave. You are so clear and that's what is possible..

[Pennywise]

Pick yourself up and brush your round a$$ off ('cause you're a ball, right?) and keep on walking with your head held up and don't look back this time.   

Someday a good woman will come along who won't be just an illusion.  She'll be as real as you.

Like you said, "...she is just a learning curve in my lifes education..."

And if I could offer the ever wise words of my father "...sh!t happens, life moves on..."

((smile))

[NHBeachBum]

PDQ,

It must have been in a weird kinda way sort of cool to just get that closure knowing what the outcome would be & seeing it happen yet being in control to not get hurt. Like watching a movie where you already know the ending but seeing it again - pretending to watch it all over again.

Guess it's like driving over a cliff knowing the outcome is going to be bad. Yet maybe if I somehow change cars & slowly watch her try to drive it over the cliff one more time...hmmmm...oh wait! Shocking - another bad ending. Same outcome!

Way to go dude. Not only did you figure her out, you were also able to slowly watch her self-destruct one more time (just to make sure) on your own terms! Nice. Stick a fork in your exBPDw - she's now done! Great job - thanks for sharing with everyone.

-NHBB

[thomaso61]

My hat's off to you PDQ! great post! 

Sincerely,

Tom

[Silas Pseudonym]

PD, Tom...

Thanks, I really needed the Full Monty visual this morning.  Hats off boys!

Silas