Too hurt to speak to him

[Vanityvanity]

So he ended it last November. I went through hell, so depressed I became seriously suicidal. But I went No Contact, and began to start to recover.

Then he wanted me back and I went back because I am so lonely and because I thought it meant something, his contacting me.

He was having a serious breakdown. I last saw him on Friday. He said he needed to spend a few days in bed, just recovering (he lives with his parents and I hate it there, and anyway have no transport to get there). So I thought it was fair enough. Then on Sunday he called to say he was going to the coast with a mate of his on Monday, to walk and clear his head. He didn't invite me. I said I would be in town. He said he couldn't give me a lift back because of the cost of the petrol.

It took me sleeping on this for it to sink in. He's so ill he can't leave home to meet me at the weekend. But then he's well enough to drive a round trip of 30 miles to go to the seaside with a mate. And after that, he can't make the effort to pick me up.

Also: I thought he'd come back because he loved and missed me. But it was clear that really he wants support for the bad time he's going through. When I asked for his help, a month before that, he told me to go to the mental health centre.

He seems to think he can just walk back in, no regrets for the hell I went through, no need for him to make an effort, and it'll all be business as usual. You break up with someone, you ignore them when they need you - there's a hell of a lot of work to do then, to convince them you're worthwhile. But he doesn't see any need, because I've been such a doormat.

I probably will take him back because I am so very alone. I have no family. I have a few friends I see now and then. I am autistic and find speaking to people very hard.

Either that or (as I feel now) I go back to how it was two months ago - getting used to being alone, untouched, the misery of that.

I know I'm co dependent. I know it would have been better, when he first phoned, to tell him that it's best if we don't speak. I know I've made a mess of this.

Very angry, very unhappy. I imagine all these things I could say to show him, to tell him, what he's put me through -  how he smashed to pieces our warm little world and then expects to stroll back in again - but I know he wouldn't listen.

Part of the trouble is he lives with his parents, and he's their little darling boy and no one there has the guts to stand up to him.

This is such a mess and I'm so unhappy.

He phoned today but I didn't answer. All the times he'd had his phone switched off so I couldn't reach him - I am very tired of being accommodating while he goes his self-centred way. I don't want to speak to him. I suppose I will. This awful need in me, this loneliness... .

Anyway, helps to write it down.

[SimplySeattle]

One thing I've learned about people with BPD is that they are very self centered. It's always about them, how they feel, and what you can do for them. If they want something, you bend over backwards to keep the peace, but if you're feeling down, or are sick, then you might get ridiculed instead of compassion.

It's best that you take care of yourself and improve your life during this time.