59rambler:
How I can relate to what you have written. Sadly, we are not alone. I know how sad it is to have our son's be such strangers. In our case, DIL's parents are not English speakers and live in another country, so we don't have that added problem, like you do. Sorry about that addition to the problem for you. This is what I just wrote in response to someone else's post regarding a DIL - I don't know if you saw it - and maybe it will help you to answer your question of what to do about Thanksgiving:
My DIL has BPD/N. In our case it has not turned out well, unlike Geekygirl. In our case, one thing my brother said was "you just have to accept her." Let me tell you, WE HAVE TRIED, but she won't allow us to accept her. They lived just a couple of miles from us until June. She stopped communicating with us mid December 2012. He stopped communicating with us in January. Our son only talks to his father - no contact with me or his numerous siblings. Now they live 2 hours away. DIL has made it clear through son that she is "done with us all." And what, pray tell, are we supposed to do with that info?
This BPD "business" at times can be all consuming - depending on the flare ups and emotional hurt. I have read enough about BPD/N to know it IS VERY SERIOUS. It isn't a game. DH and I have even had to go to counseling to get a handle on this situation - to confirm WE are NOT the people with the problem. We had never gone to counseling before. So in addition to the emotional toll, add counseling sessions to the financial impact and time suck. After we showed counselor an e mail and explained what has happened, she had the situation pegged in a heartbeat.
Several years ago, before we knew better (lightbulb of BPD/N didn't go off for me until December 2012 - all those years before I thought we were just dealing with young people who needed some guidance) son felt we owed him money for something. Super long story short, but based on the circumstances at the time, we said how much do you think we owe you? (We didn't want money to get in the way of our relationship - and his focus, he didn't need that distraction at that particular time.) His answer ... .are you ready ... .$5000. Yup - 5 THOUSAND. So, we wrote a check for 5000 and I vowed that will NEVER happen again. In reality, it was less than $300something (hundred) which he had actually previously given me permission to spend because it was spent on him for him (he was deployed and the money spent was on items we sent him. I kept receipts and kept track of EVERYTHING I sent him so I know the accurate dollar amount.) Fast forward to December of 2012, when I discover the situation is BPD and how these people often are horrible with money. That explains the $5000. That explains why they were mad we didn't offer up $$ over a different situation. That helps to explain a lot of other things.
Once I realized what we were dealing with, it was an emotional game changer for me. This article on Stockholm Syndrome and Relationships I found EXTREMELY helpful. What I liked about it is that it speaks more about my son and how he is forced to deal with the situation. I need to understand more of the WHY my SON behaves badly towards us -
www.counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/4/Because of the seriousness of BPD and son being so enmeshed, DH and I recently had our wills redone. IMHO, NO WAY, should people with BPD (or in our case our son be/c of his situation) be given ANY control over important things like finances or literally our life or death. Financial POA and Healthcare POA clearly name ourselves and two of our other children as alternates.
It's been years of apologies for things we never did. Them being mad at us if we didn't do what THEY wanted us to do, never mind the personal cost to us. I'm tired of the very hurtful emails/text messages son sends on her behalf. First we did gifts - then those weren't good enough. So I switched to cash money. Then, he wrote and said he was going to give it back and he wanted gift items he gave us, back. IMHO, gifts are not takesies bakesies because you are mad at a person. Forget that business. Then DIL said said she was done with us, so I skipped her birthday and for son I donated money to an organization I know he supports. Then we got blasted for acknowledging his birthday but not hers. So ... .guess what is happening this Christmas ... .you guessed it. Nothing.
Thanksgiving and Christmas. They will not be invited to join us because of the boundaries THEY have set up. I am perfectly fine with that. When I learned about BPD, I realized why family gatherings don't go smooth with a BPD/N. She couldn't even handle a family gathering at 4th of July without pouting. Last December I realized I was going to have to come up with a plan to NOT have them join us on THE day of the event (Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever) because those days had had a pattern of being absolutely ruined for the rest of us. But then, lo and behold, son said he wanted to be NC with us and she is "done with us all" so, I, thankfully didn't have to do the boundary setting - they did it for me!
I am not going to beg her to be in our life so I can add that craziness back into my life. It's been years of one thing or another ... .smooth sailing for a few months and the POW! Out of seemingly NO WHERE we get blasted. You just don't bounce back from that kind of emotional hurt. We all owe it to ourselves to have some normalcy in our life. DH and I owe it to our children to not have DIL's BPD/N take over our lives so we can have healthy relationships with our other children and eventually the families they will have. Thank goodness they (son and DIL) have no children and I hope together they are not able to have any. If they do, nothing will change for us - it will just be like some friend of my son's had a baby. They will never allow us to be "regular" grandparents. Relationships with any grandchildren will be held hostage. Her parents live in Europe.
Since December there have been a few instances where I have been able to tell son I love him and we will always be there for him and that I am simply honoring his request for no contact because it has been made obvious, contact with me causes him A LOT of hassle. Don't get me wrong, I love my son and would love to have him back in our life ... .but I don't want that constant craziness ... .and I will be there for him when there is a need.
