Desperately wanting my BPD GF back

[T2H]

Outoftime44,

That's what I'm trying to get at - the more you hold on to this and try to make sense of it (which you can't - crazy does not = logical), the longer it will take to get over it.

I know it's tough right now - everything swirling around - and you'll need time/space (which is why NC is good *for you*).  The emotions will take longer to catch up, go through, move past - but they won't have a chance to do that, until the hamster wheel in your head stops spinning.  No amount of "what ifs", or "if onlys", or "if I can just make sense of it all", or "if I could have done things differently", etc - will get you to where you want to be.

It's like a drug... .  and you're going through withdrawal.  Just do whatever you can to make it through this time in one piece.  Take care.

[Outoftime44]

Outoftime, I think we are of similar minds.  I love my exBPDgf - but had the same feelings about it.   She was SO into me, and even though I thought, "Hey it's me so it's okay" I was still a bit uneasy at times.

Still, we felt I think as you did and other BPD couples do prior to the bad times, that we'd discovered true longlasting love.  We felt that we were unique - that other couples might hope for what we had, but didn't have it.  Our love and relationship was different as she was everything I ever wanted, beautiful, kind, funny, smart, hardworking, and I was ambitious, very well educated, great job, a musician, great in bed - as she said over and over, "the man of her dreams."  

I don't agree with others who say it wasn't real.  It was for her - she hadn't dated in 6+ months - and I think it was real for you.

To keep my sanity I think about it this way.  The only way for it to ever work again will be for it to end and then be reborn.  This may mean I'm with other people as is she in the interim.  I can't tell you how many times I've thought of driving over to her house but stopped myself.  

So in order to believe your sanity, you've got to believe it is over, but I'm more hopeful than others may be here.  I can't give up hope that she'll get help and come back to me in one way or another.  I don't know when.  I think true hell would be to keep hoping for it to happen and it never does.  If you think it is over and it comes back, you'll be able to choose.  I've seen relationships come back from the dead.  If she comes back to me I'm going to have to find a way to go to counseling at a minimum.  I'll have to be sneaky about it probably - saying I'm the crazy one, .  Anyhow - I know the feeling, like it is 50% your fault.  It isn't. It may be 10% or 20%.  One of the last things she said to me was, "Who does this sh-t?" as though I'm in a special category for being crazy and mean.  I'm not.  The truth is - who does what she does?  Who is so unforgiving they won't talk to a person who says, "I love you, please forgive me."  

Whew - heavy stuff.   I hope you get out a bit and see some friends.  My friends - as I said, especially female friends have been a real help.  Try to laugh sometime if you can - just a little.

Thanks- laughing has been a huge I noticed!

It seems you know so much of the same feeligns as me.  My female friends have been huge helps as well.  I thought I WAS THE COMPLETE CRAZY ONE.  They made it apparent that it isnt exactly the case.

I knew something was a little bit off when she got a kick out of her ex bf desperate for her, or telling me I wasn't allowed to talk to my ex gf from a year ago who lives in Africa, or when taking her out to a nice dinner she said "i have to dress nice so at least 4 guys want to _____ me tonight."

Such insecurity made me insecure.  She hears about a friend doing something great, and feels jealous and bad.  Hears a friend is getting married, and tells me we could never get married.  (hello only dating 3 months?)

I don't know why I had such resentment, such trust issues.  I think because I was always blamed, I knew her personality as two faced, I knew what happened to her previous bf's, I knew how she exagerated to make herself look better, that once she kissed someone else it just became a constant series of freak outs and feelings of being slighted.  I STOPPED TRUSTING her, yet I am the one who wants her back?

It is an addiction, because the good was so good.  Pulled in, and made to feel so special, and sharing everything like an open book.  And she loved everything I told her about me.  Ultimately things she told me about her contributed to my lack of trust in her.

And of course if she snapped at me, and I said something I was "sensitive" but if I ever crossed her once - well that was assassination.

Ultimately, I was meeting her parents, and had been having anxiety- she told me that I was antisocial the night before and that day I wasn't enough of a man, then she started talking in the car - changing history as if to bring me down on purpose.  How she didn't like what I did 9 months before, that I liked her more at the beginning than she did me, how I was getting to touchy with her after our first hookup, how it was my idea to hook up with her- just complete lies!  Revising history, to bring me down I was thinking.

I think she ultimately wanted to punish for what she considered me to - in her exact words "broken her heart" twice.  These two times I broke her heart involved me sending mean spirited text messages.  Not something I should be punished for months on end.  Walking on egg shells to meet her delusion, with me promising I won't break up with her, be there forever for her... .

Until I got drunk and she did too and started acting sloppy... .  One thing leads to the next and in my drunken state, I can't take it anymore and text her that I wont ever marry her.  We end things via text message in a donut shop! 

The next day she has a nervous breakdown and sends me away via train.  I try to talk her out of it, ask her to show some love and consideration, and she asks me "why cant you be normal? XXXX (other bf) is normal?"   I say, "when you say those things, it sticks with me."  And she says "when you call me a slut, it sticks with me"  I texted that she was acting slutty, and with good reason, but wont go into details... .

Huge panic, I beg, and I am sent home never speak to her again.

Never will again.

[Outoftime44]

Outoftime44,

That's what I'm trying to get at - the more you hold on to this and try to make sense of it (which you can't - crazy does not = logical), the longer it will take to get over it.

I know it's tough right now - everything swirling around - and you'll need time/space (which is why NC is good *for you*).  The emotions will take longer to catch up, go through, move past - but they won't have a chance to do that, until the hamster wheel in your head stops spinning.  No amount of "what ifs", or "if onlys", or "if I can just make sense of it all", or "if I could have done things differently", etc - will get you to where you want to be.

It's like a drug... .  and you're going through withdrawal.  Just do whatever you can to make it through this time in one piece.  Take care.

Yes a drug exactly.  You are making me realize that I am missing a perfect gf, someone to do things with, share my life with and have dreams with.  Not necessarily her.

I needed the breakup just as much as she did because I was going crazy too!

[Intent_to_learn]

Your objectification was about being a sounding board- perhaps useful to her- but more importantly, heroic to you. When she went away, she not only took away her loving gaze, but she shoved you off the pedestal. That's disordered. That's hurtful. That's important.

Ask yourself why you thought that this rarest blue flame called love could be kept 100% alive with only 50%. Without two people to make a 100% pact, there is no hope.

What 2010 says here speaks volumes to me, as well, and is what I have realized about myself after 62 days of NC.  Being brutally honest with myself, I confess that what I miss most about the relationship with former uBPD friend is that he looked up to me (idealized me), respected me and came to me for advice. His eyes reflected the glow of admiration and I was elevated, exalted.  I remained in the friendship even after red flags showed up regarding his sadistic nature, thinking that I could soothe the savage beast. This is a crucial key to my grandiose nature, and my unacknowledged craving for grandiosity.  Out of denial now, and there's no turning back.  I no longer want to participate in the prison dance.  Nowadays, my time is spent focused on learning how to relate to significant others in my life in a more authentic way, and if I feel elevated in some way after relating to others, that is a signal for me to pause and look closely at the dynamic and reign in my ego. 

CS

[Outoftime44]

Your objectification was about being a sounding board- perhaps useful to her- but more importantly, heroic to you. When she went away, she not only took away her loving gaze, but she shoved you off the pedestal. That's disordered. That's hurtful. That's important.

Ask yourself why you thought that this rarest blue flame called love could be kept 100% alive with only 50%. Without two people to make a 100% pact, there is no hope.

What 2010 says here speaks volumes to me, as well, and is what I have realized about myself after 62 days of NC.  Being brutally honest with myself, I confess that what I miss most about the relationship with former uBPD friend is that he looked up to me (idealized me), respected me and came to me for advice. His eyes reflected the glow of admiration and I was elevated, exalted.  I remained in the friendship even after red flags showed up regarding his sadistic nature, thinking that I could soothe the savage beast. This is a crucial key to my grandiose nature, and my unacknowledged craving for grandiosity.  Out of denial now, and there's no turning back.  I no longer want to participate in the prison dance.  Nowadays, my time is spent focused on learning how to relate to significant others in my life in a more authentic way, and if I feel elevated in some way after relating to others, that is a signal for me to pause and look closely at the dynamic and reign in my ego. 

CS

Thanks for the feedback.

Thinking about my situation now, this morning, is I keep playing back the tapes of my bad moods, my panic attacks, the insults I called my gf that broke the relationship down.  But for some reason I was nervous, for some reason things weren't right.  I was being driven crazy just as she was driving me crazy.  The article here on what to expect in a relationship is exactly what happened to me, but I feel as I began to put her in a prison dance.  I became a nervous wreck myself, just as she was.  She was constantly stressed/freakign out about things/obsessing about me/insecure... .I mirrored it and then some. 

I think we both were crazy, and thats the most hurtful part to me.

Finally her family/ her sensibilities stepped in and ended it for good, but I have nightmares of the bad events daily.  She is like a ghost in my life.

[Intent_to_learn]

She is like a ghost in my life.

Understand completely.  It is haunting.  I was, and still am to some degree (though way, way less), haunted by it.  This NC time is exactly the space we need to process what happened, to come back to ourselves and to allow the addictive aspect of the relationship to wane. 

You are in withdrawal now and withdrawal brings anxiety, insomnia, irritability, and a host of other symptoms.  Time heals that and time gives you clarity, as long as you proactively stay away from the dysfunctional dance with her that is highly distracting.  Glad you are here.  This is a good place to lick your wounds and heal.  Take good care of yourself.  CS

[Outoftime44]

She is like a ghost in my life.

Understand completely.  It is haunting.  I was, and still am to some degree (though way, way less), haunted by it.  This NC time is exactly the space we need to process what happened, to come back to ourselves and to allow the addictive aspect of the relationship to wane. 

You are in withdrawal now and withdrawal brings anxiety, insomnia, irritability, and a host of other symptoms.  Time heals that and time gives you clarity, as long as you proactively stay away from the dysfunctional dance with her that is highly distracting.  Glad you are here.  This is a good place to lick your wounds and heal.  Take good care of yourself.  CS

Thank you very much.  This place has been great in the little time I have been here.  Today is 10th day NC, and I still had an urge to wake up and send her a heartfelt text message.

Me and her both have strong families that are encouraging both of us to stay away from the other.

Funny thing is, I was sabotaging the entire thing.  I felt something was wrong, I felt I was being broken down, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I was walking on egg shells, taking all the fault, and believing the fault was all mine.  I cringe at the person I became, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't secure or confident in having this amazing gf, until I became addicted and sick.