My ex ex resurfaced... but

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We met again by chance almost on the last day I was cast permanently black my current ex. My ex ex had joined my gym, she looked healthy and amazingly pretty. I had forgotten all about her. I am a borderline magnet. At least now I know the signs.  , ,

Fast forward... . our relationship is progressing... . BUT the red flags are waving. She has filled me in about everything that has occurred in her life since me... . and how HER current ex could never truly forgive the fact that she triangulated ME. Funny. She showed ME texts of things that he has said... . crazy baiting. Hes absolutely mood dsyregulated too. Im convinced of it... . but the things he said to her in the texts I read, "that shes a liar, a demon, that she ruined his life", on and on and on... . as it turned out she lied and cheated on him AFTER me as well. She claims she tried for months to work things out. He just couldn't forgive her, but was addicted to her in my opinion. They went back and forth with each other for over a year. Yet, she is very upfront about her behavior, she actually believes she has symptoms of anxiety disorder and BPD. Shes read up and is informed.  Shes been in therapy for several months with a woman that knows of everything, she goes to yoga to meditate regularly, shes goes to the gym for that endorphin and serotonin uptake... .   She is very very different then my ex in terms of her awareness... .   she is smarter, but at least was as equally self sabotaging... . she is more waif like... .   I dont know what to do... . she is being incredibly upfront and honest. She said she has just started NC with her ex because he cant except friendship and is being abusive. He started smearing HER to their mutual friends. She wants to be with me. She has not flaked... . yet.  I dont know... .   Im enjoying her company, Im enjoying her love bombing... . she is/was a needed distraction to help get me over the hump of MY ex. I have helped ground her she claims. She said she never forgot about me but didnt know how to find me blah blah. ( Im not buying into that one bit)  I have been completely honest with her btw. And I dont subscribe to not seeing someone when you are transitioning out of a bad situation. I dont believe its a rebound relationship either. Im not going there... yet. Right now its simply a friends with benefits thing mutually agreed upon.    However, Im busy with business and a new career... . and I do not want anymore drama. No, I really do not. Its energy sucking misery for the most part. Why would I even consider seeing another girl I suspect has BPD you ask? Well... . I really like her, and she is really interesting, and shes adorable/sexy and ... . ok, not boring.  Im uber alert for the 1st BPD thing that may or may not crop up... . and if it does... Im out. Am I crazy for even considering this?

[Split black]

We met again by chance almost on the last day I was cast permanently black my current ex. My ex ex had joined my gym, she looked healthy and amazingly pretty. I had forgotten all about her. I am a borderline magnet. At least now I know the signs.  , ,

Fast forward... . our relationship is progressing... . BUT the red flags are waving. She has filled me in about everything that has occurred in her life since me... . and how HER current ex could never truly forgive the fact that she triangulated ME. Funny. She showed ME texts of things that he has said... . crazy baiting. Hes absolutely mood dsyregulated too. Im convinced of it... . but the things he said to her in the texts I read, "that shes a liar, a demon, that she ruined his life", on and on and on... . as it turned out she lied and cheated on him AFTER me as well. She claims she tried for months to work things out. He just couldn't forgive her, but was addicted to her in my opinion. They went back and forth with each other for over a year. Yet, she is very upfront about her behavior, she actually believes she has symptoms of anxiety disorder and BPD. Shes read up and is informed.  Shes been in therapy for several months with a woman that knows of everything, she goes to yoga to meditate regularly, shes goes to the gym for that endorphin and serotonin uptake... .   She is very very different then my ex in terms of her awareness... .   she is smarter, but at least was as equally self sabotaging... . she is more waif like... .   I dont know what to do... . she is being incredibly upfront and honest. She said she has just started NC with her ex because he cant except friendship and is being abusive. He started smearing HER to their mutual friends. She wants to be with me. She has not flaked... . yet.  I dont know... .   Im enjoying her company, Im enjoying her love bombing... . she is/was a needed distraction to help get me over the hump of MY ex. I have helped ground her she claims. She said she never forgot about me but didnt know how to find me blah blah. ( Im not buying into that one bit)  I have been completely honest with her btw. And I dont subscribe to not seeing someone when you are transitioning out of a bad situation. I dont believe its a rebound relationship either. Im not going there... yet. Right now its simply a friends with benefits thing mutually agreed upon.    However, Im busy with business and a new career... . and I do not want anymore drama. No, I really do not. Its energy sucking misery for the most part. Why would I even consider seeing another girl I suspect has BPD you ask? Well... . I really like her, and she is really interesting, and shes adorable/sexy and ... . ok, not boring.  Im uber alert for the 1st BPD thing that may or may not crop up... . and if it does... Im out. Am I crazy for even considering this?

[cosmonaut]

Am I crazy for even considering this?

I think you know the answer to this.  Do you really think that things are going to be any different this time around?  I know you said that this is just a friends with benefits situation, but I'd be really careful.  You know you're playing with fire.

[Skip]

Im an older guy... . my exBPD was young and incredibly sexual and not boring. She hooked me by making me feel like I was reliving my youth as much as drowning my very experienced senses with her intense love bombing. But from the beginning... . I knew I was never number one, together for almost a year... . I sensed she was lying about leaving her ex, I gave her money, clothes, set her up in an apt so she could be free of her ex... . who she is now back with! Not to mention other guys... . one in particular I busted her with... . and he is whining and spewing his undying love for her all over his FB page... . as her white knight if she will only talk to him. How did THAT happen under my nose?  

So yes... . it takes two to tango. But to be discarded 4 times, short durations only to be exiled now with NC for 5 weeks... haven't seen her for 6 weeks... . is withdrawal that is worse then any drug. The longing for her sex, her insane personality, the stupid drama... . is exquisite at times. LIKE NOW.  I have not broken NC. The fog sometimes lifts... . but then hammers me back down mercilessly. She never gave a ___ about me... . not really. Her actions prove it.

Im trying to move on... . I re-connected with a girl that I dated right before my BPD nightmare a year ago. Haven't seen her at all. She actually had a boyfriend at the time unknown to me. ( maybe borderline lite going on, not sure yet) We have hooked up. The affection is so nice, the conversation so nice... .   my ego being soothed a bit BUT... . I still think about my exBPD. I know this may be a rebound thing... . but honestly... . if it wasn't for this girl I have started to see I would be completely mental. Even with her... . as much as I was into her before... . Im struggling with NC.  

Jeeez I hope I have the will and the strength to find my testicles and stay away from that lying cheating crazy making lunatic. Thank the gods for this board.

This sounds like you may have a sex and love addiction, Split black.  There is a frenzy here with all the players going from one bed to another and with overlap.  No judgment from anyone here- just trying to tag it as a problem to solve.

Look at the words you use above - you are starting the same cycle with another women - second time with the this one - filling a desperate need to sooth the pains of one instable relationship with a clearly instable person as you are both in down stages of a other instable relationships.

Care to share the chronology of your love life and the gas and overlaps?  It might help to write it down.

Do you see yourself in this:

• Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love

• Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship

• When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness

• When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone

• Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off

• Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone

• When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness

• Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive

• Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs

• Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner

• Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner

• Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner

• Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions

• Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship

• Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships

• Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so

• Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so



Love Addiction and Sex Addiction are not clinical disorders defined or listed in the DSM nor are they reimbursed by insurance companies. The definition of the "addictions" vary by source.  

The Augustine Fellowship Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous Fellowship of San Antonio, Texas was formed in 2010 and has revenues of $350K annually. The mission is  to coordinate services for a 12-step program of recovery from destructive compulsive patterns in relationships and activities

www.guidestar.org/organizations/04-2768261/augustine-fellowship-sex-love-addicts-anonymous-fellowship.aspx

[Perdita]

Split black, I haven't been around here long enough to know all the details of your situation.  Reading your post and a past post of yours Skip quoted ... . I am inclined to agree with Cosmonaut. 

I see a lot more of the same pain in your future, but I can also tell that you have fallen hard for this woman and probably won't be able to let go at this point.  Whatever you decide to do, you are amongst friends here that will support you.

As for the other guy.  Don't be so sure that there's something wrong with him just yet.  I think most of us here have felt at some point that we were losing our minds and have acted in ways we never thought we would.  Sounds like this guy has been badly burned by her.  Is he really "smearing" her or simply venting as his only outlet and in fact telling it as it is?

My advice to you would be to walk away while/if you still can, but I know all too well that it is so much easier said than done once emotions are involved.

When a third party is involved it all becomes that much more complicated.

[Split black]

Am I crazy for even considering this?

I think you know the answer to this.  Do you really think that things are going to be any different this time around?  I know you said that this is just a friends with benefits situation, but I'd be really careful.  You know you're playing with fire.

Oh man... .   and yeah... she is fire. Damn it... . I think I can navigate this. F*ck . 

[Split black]

Im an older guy... . my exBPD was young and incredibly sexual and not boring. She hooked me by making me feel like I was reliving my youth as much as drowning my very experienced senses with her intense love bombing. But from the beginning... . I knew I was never number one, together for almost a year... . I sensed she was lying about leaving her ex, I gave her money, clothes, set her up in an apt so she could be free of her ex... . who she is now back with! Not to mention other guys... . one in particular I busted her with... . and he is whining and spewing his undying love for her all over his FB page... . as her white knight if she will only talk to him. How did THAT happen under my nose?  

So yes... . it takes two to tango. But to be discarded 4 times, short durations only to be exiled now with NC for 5 weeks... haven't seen her for 6 weeks... . is withdrawal that is worse then any drug. The longing for her sex, her insane personality, the stupid drama... . is exquisite at times. LIKE NOW.  I have not broken NC. The fog sometimes lifts... . but then hammers me back down mercilessly. She never gave a ___ about me... . not really. Her actions prove it.

Im trying to move on... . I re-connected with a girl that I dated right before my BPD nightmare a year ago. Haven't seen her at all. She actually had a boyfriend at the time unknown to me. ( maybe borderline lite going on, not sure yet) We have hooked up. The affection is so nice, the conversation so nice... .   my ego being soothed a bit BUT... . I still think about my exBPD. I know this may be a rebound thing... . but honestly... . if it wasn't for this girl I have started to see I would be completely mental. Even with her... . as much as I was into her before... . Im struggling with NC.  

Jeeez I hope I have the will and the strength to find my testicles and stay away from that lying cheating crazy making lunatic. Thank the gods for this board.

This sounds like you may have a sex and love addiction, Split black.  There is a frenzy here with all the players going from one bed to another and with overlap.  No judgment from anyone here- just trying to tag it as a problem to solve.

Look at the words you use above - you are starting the same cycle with another women - second time with the this one - filling a desperate need to sooth the pains of one instable relationship with a clearly instable person as you are both in down stages of a other instable relationships.

Care to share the chronology of your love life and the gas and overlaps?  It might help to write it down.

Do you see yourself in this:

• Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love

• Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship

• When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness

• When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone

• Inability to maintain an intimate relationship once the newness and excitement have worn off

• Finding it unbearable or emotionally difficult to be alone

• When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness

• Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally or physically abusive

• Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention and caretaking but who do not meet, or even try to meet, your emotional or physical needs

• Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to keep or please a partner

• Giving up important interests, beliefs, or friendships to maximize time in the relationship or to please a romantic partner

• Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold on to a partner

• Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions

• Missing out on important family, career, or social experiences to search for a romantic or sexual relationship

• Using anonymous sex, porn, or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing” someone, thereby avoiding all relationships

• Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to oneself or others to do so

• Repeatedly returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to oneself or others to not do so



Love Addiction and Sex Addiction are not clinical disorders defined or listed in the DSM nor are they reimbursed by insurance companies. The definition of the "addictions" vary by source.  

The Augustine Fellowship Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous Fellowship of San Antonio, Texas was formed in 2010 and has revenues of $350K annually. The mission is  to coordinate services for a 12-step program of recovery from destructive compulsive patterns in relationships and activities

www.guidestar.org/organizations/04-2768261/augustine-fellowship-sex-love-addicts-anonymous-fellowship.aspx

Skip

Yeah... . for sure I see quite a few behaviors... . but there are lot that dont apply as well.  There was no doubt that I was sexually addicted to my ex. Thats what made NC very hard... . before the switch went off. Which it did. I feel no compulsion toward my ex ex... .   at all. Im keeping things lite. Trying to. So far so good.

I think your spot on about my ex ex however... . both our relationships were similarly BAD. Hers maybe smacked more of co-dependency then sexual addiction... . but Im not sure shes really ever truly loved someone... . maybe before her trauma.  Me... . well... .   im doing a lot of what you said above... . actually its been one the conversations with my therapist.

[Split black]

Split black, I haven't been around here long enough to know all the details of your situation.  Reading your post and a past post of yours Skip quoted ... . I am inclined to agree with Cosmonaut. 

I see a lot more of the same pain in your future, but I can also tell that you have fallen hard for this woman and probably won't be able to let go at this point.  Whatever you decide to do, you are amongst friends here that will support you.

As for the other guy.  Don't be so sure that there's something wrong with him just yet.  I think most of us here have felt at some point that we were losing our minds and have acted in ways we never thought we would.  Sounds like this guy has been badly burned by her.  Is he really "smearing" her or simply venting as his only outlet and in fact telling it as it is?

My advice to you would be to walk away while/if you still can, but I know all too well that it is so much easier said than done once emotions are involved.

When a third party is involved it all becomes that much more complicated.

I haven't fallen hard. I am sure I can let go. At this point anyway... . but you do bring up a very good point. The smear campaign by HER ex toward her... . is only what she said it was. I have never had a conversation with him personally. She was very forth coming about what she " did " to him. How she cheated on him and lied to him. Its compelling stuff to listen to someone who is confessing to you... . and wondering if this is a BPD manipulation. 

Im going to roll with her for awhile. Only because I haven't experienced any negativity yet... . and quite honestly its been a good distraction. This may sound selfish... . but... . my rationalization is that no matter who I would be with right now, would be a distraction. Why not allow it be with someone I knew from before albeit damaged, knowing Im a distraction for her as well.