8.21 | Contact after the breakup [romantic partners]

[Century2012]

Interesting comment about post break up contact. He reached out after a month wanting to remain friends and talk on the phone. I realized that was not good for me because it was keeping me emotionally engaged. At that time I did not recognize the BPD. But a couple months later he called me at 7:30 in the morning. And again at 7:35. And 8:30, when I finally picked up the phone. I know we are all in pain here, but there is some humor in acknowledgement that ... .he had broken up with rebound girl the night before. He couldn't stand the pain for being alone for even a few minutes! And felt compelled to call me the minute he woke up.

[Kettlepot]

As I reflect on the behavior however I think it was due to my absolute devastation as to what happened and me trying to make sense of it all... .Plus I had not gone through something like this prior, no experience to draw from...

I was stuck in "magical" thinking, thinking if I explained things well enough the person I knew would return and talk to me. Then I was stuck in "helping" him, I knew I didn't want a intimate relationship with him anymore, didn't ask for one, but hoped for a friendship of some sort.

I recognise myself in these words by C12P21. I didn't know about BPD behaviours until recently and I only found this site after my relationship with my uBPDex was over. But in this time I've become aware of my own negative behaviours in the relationship - that I was trying to fix my exSO, that if I gave them enough love, a stable home life etc they would settle down. I realise now I justified a lot of negative behaviours away (she was busy, had had an unhappy upbringing, I had more time to run the house than she did, that if I did these things she would be happier, more communicative, on more even keel).

Magical thinking and a big dose of co-dependency from me!

I've also never had a relationship like this before. Someone whose moods can change so quickly or who could be fickle even about our relationship. At our lowest point, my uBPDex said the most horrid things to me when breaking up but not two hours later asked that we try again, that I was the best thing to happen to her. She flat out denied those horrible accusations saying I misconstrued them. To say I was bewildered is an understatement.

Since our breakup we've busted boundaries with inappropriate requests and sought validation too many times. I think the way forward for me is to be mindful of my boundaries and of our behaviours. I'm working on setting appropriate boundaries with her and dealing with my own issues with my T. I'm not as available to her as I once was and building a life that does not revolve around her but still includes her as a friend.

[Century2012]

Hey Tippy,

I wanted to respond to your comment about escalating.

In resolving some unfinished business, he has contacted me. And it is so filled with anger. Not just towards me. Towards everyone. He doesn't complete a sentence without dropping the F bomb.

What happened to the kind person I knew?

I actually fibbed to a friend and said he was dead. Well, he is dead in my heart. That is the only way I can deal.

I do not know this person.

I heard through the grapevine that his sister asked his new "victim" if her had hit her yet. Yet.

Hmmm ... .

[RickLI]

I guess my questions best boils down to should I try or do I wait?

Basically we broke up after 14 months at the end of Feb. I moved out April 1 and he is acting as if I do not exist and will not respond to any (just 2) texts that I have sent since I moved out.

I did not know he had BPD at the time and what I said to him as we broke up is probably the worst thing I could have said. But, the way he was treating me was unbearable. I feel so bad for saying it…but I said this is why you will die alone. I can see now why he probably hates me so much.

How…or is there anything I can do to help him come around? Is it just time? Or possibly he never does?

[ladylee]

I am basically in the normal to no contact slice because its better for me, he's undiagnosed. I live two hours south. I had to move closer to my job, he's retired, my family is closer to where I am now, so no point in staying near him if he's not serious about getting well. He didn't want to seek treatment or do long distance, so I would not give him keys to my place, it was not practical to have a screamer entering any time , I need a place I will be able to keep, he wasn't respecting me. No contact or minimal gets me guaranteed respect, unfortunately, he can sit with those boundaries. He was the one who decided to end it after I put those conditions out there but he did try to recycle it before the holidays, I think so he didnt have to tell his family we really split after nine years, i didn't take the bait. He had all the control in the marriage and I lost too much. There was a lot if lying on his part.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

She hasn't made any contact to me in the 9 days since we ended it. I wrote to her twice initially regarding some practical things, but she didn't respond either.

[dollface]

all i know and can say about this is this:

after any normal breakup i have had, we have both gone NC, at least for a good 6 months, to heal. 

i was ABSOLUTELY shocked when i heard from my uBPDex a day after she broke up with me over the phone, asking if i was okay ... .then the next day calling me to talk.  it baffled me.  i assumed this meant she was having second thoughts about the extremely abrupt breakup.  i was wrong.  i was in for a whole month of pushing and pulling after that.  definitely boundary breaking, and where she really messed me up.

I have had the same thing happen to me over and over. In Dec. my BPD ex would tell me to get over it and block him and that he would never come back to the relationship ever! but on some days, he would text me and ask me if I was ok, or send a pic of himself in his underwear. If I tried to talk to him about the relationship and what happened, he would get rude and lash out about how everything was my fault due to my insecurities. Meanwhile I only felt insecure about when he would leave again when the end of a month came around. Every other month he finds something to get so angry about and pin it on me and leave again, taking me off facebook and off his phone, then contacting me when he was bored I guess. Dec. was hell, Jan. seemed great, At the second week of Feb., back to hellish breakup, March was great, then Last day of March... blame.  He text me yesterday to say that he is sorry I am hurting and that eventually  my love will diminish and someone else less turbulent will take his place. Meanwhile, the texts the day before was accusing me that I would go out and find someone new in a few days and he will feel sorry for the poor ass. Blamed all his lies to me on the fact that he just was trying to keep me happy and keep us from fighting.  I never ever raised my voice to him or cursed him out like he has done to me. A simple question to him was always taken out of context and caused him to fume up or blank out. Walking on eggshells was to hard, and yet I am addicted to his nice persona everytime he returned, and I am missing him so much. ugh

[atomic popsicles]

First of all, thanks to all who wrote in on this thread. I'd love some updates so I can hear about how everyone has healed.

I have done all this wrong. Offered "get help, there's a chance", worried where he was... .I'm done. I have lost my self respect and dignity in all possible ways. This site and this thread, not to mention the 4 nasty emails that I have gotten today, has opened my eyes. Especially since he sends them from my email address to me so he's not violating any restraining order!

I'm done. I haven't replied. I told his family I was respecting his wishes for no contact with them and have not replied. I'm refusing to take responsibility for the failure of this marriage. Am I codependent? Well duh, and more so now. But I didn't make bad choices, destroy a house, emotionally abuse my spouse. BPD is no excuse if someone admits they have it and refuses help.

I have been so sad, then I read one if the resources about falling in love with someone with BPD. Check. Done. I was to the point of feeling worthless and useless because he would say "leave me alone, I don't want to talk or see you". Funny, no matter how sad I have been since Wednesday I haven't felt like that.

[e-Craig]

I have lost my self respect and dignity in all possible ways.

Thanks for sharing that. I feel the same way. I was married to a high functioning BPD for 10 years. The things she did to me, and the excuses I made about the need to keep the family together were incredible. But I did it for years.

She moved out, but we've still been emotionally entangled. I vowed today to follow the advice on this site. We have two children together, so non contact isn't an option. I am finding it hard to cut off all non-essential contact, but I was able to do it today.

I found these tips on the site that I'm trying to live by:

~      keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better.

~   get the partner out of your day-to- day life

~   stop thinking in terms of a relationship

~   take them out of your vision of the future

~   stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing

~   stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[valet]

It's been a while since I've posted regularly here but the time has finally come for me to put my two cents into this thread and call it a day.

pwBPD and separated about a year and a half ago. I tried to remain friends with her, but found that this new friendship lacked everything that was important to me in a friendship. My ex continued to hide things from me, and it recently came to my attention that she had been hiding much more, things that happened while we were still together. Funnily enough, my past anxieties have been justified. Turns out I wasn't crazy after all!

A lot of time has passed since the breakup, but I finally feel like I've found a larger since of closure on the past. I've decided to shut the door for good and cut all ties. It is a painful decision, but like so many others that have gone the route of trying to stay in touch, the post-relationship friendship ended up extending the pain that I originally felt all along. I don't hold it against her and wish her the best, but have realized that I can't have that level of toxicity in my life anymore and expect to be happy. It just won't work for me.

That said, everyone's situation is different. The main point that I make is that if I had fully trusted myself I could have prevented myself from feeling a certain way longer than I needed to. That's ok. I forgive myself. Just a word to the wise. 

[SerendipityChild]

Hey Tippy,

I wanted to respond to your comment about escalating.

In resolving some unfinished business, he has contacted me. And it is so filled with anger. Not just towards me. Towards everyone. He doesn't complete a sentence without dropping the F bomb.

What happened to the kind person I knew?

I actually fibbed to a friend and said he was dead. Well, he is dead in my heart. That is the only way I can deal.

I do not know this person.

I heard through the grapevine that his sister asked his new "victim" if her had hit her yet. Yet.

Hmmm ... .

This is the problem with their BPD. They can be the sweetest person in the whole world one minute then becomes the devil's spawn the next. You can never win with them. The moodiness had me walking on eggshells.