Bad communication on my part

[Bulgakov]

I get a text from my uBPDgf this morning about how she could not get up this morning bc her cats kept her up. Understandable. She has been trying to scrape together cash by selling books, cleaning, etc. Her job has been cutting hours. She wanted me to pay her back for when she helped me out earlier. Totally cool with that. I'm pretty broke myself, but I was going to bring the small amount I owed her by. The previous night I had failed to communicate to her that I might stay home and clean. She was at work. I knew I should have called, but I didn't really know cleaning would take so long. I told her this and she seemed okay with it. We texted throughout the night before I went to bed. But this morning there was only a couple texts before I knew something was up. She said I was right not to come over and that she needed space for a few days. I said space is a perfectly acceptable thing to ask for but that I hoped she would let me know if she needed anything or if she changed her mind. She assured me she was not upset, just needed space. After some time, she sends another text saying that she was mad, that I had all day yesterday to let her know that I didn't want to see her last night. I assured her this was not the case, that cleaning just took longer than I expected. She said she wished there was some way to get the money without seeing me, but when I offered to put it in her mailbox, she turned me down. After a few texts, she had called me a f__k and said she wanted to punish me for annoying her. NC since she went to work. I don't know whether to call her at work or leave her be. I feel like if I don't, it will reinforce the idea that I don't plan or communicate well. But if I do, I could be annoying or bothersome, triggering further negative emotions. I know I'm not the best at communicating plans and such, especially when I'm so busy with work and school, but I wish she didn't treat these situations as if I never do the right thing either. I just feel that she is so above these displays of anger and frustration. I have tried to tell her that I would learn much more if I wasn't raged at/punished. She thinks its the only way I will respond or take her seriously. I like to think that this dynamic is not common, because I look at all the good times and connections we have. Yet our last big fight was only two weeks ago.

Should I let her be, or be the bothersome apologetic type? = /

[4now]

Hi there,

Well, sounds like you are having a dilemma.  Someone on here once posted that when a BPD wants space you should give them the grand canyon.  I find this to be the best approach for me.  I think it helps to not make things worse and a lot of times the apologies don't make anything much better.  And, what exactly would you be apologizing for?  You could apologize for your lack of communication, but leave it at that.  Let her know you'll talk when she's ready.  Anything else and it will probably just annoy her because it will make you look weak in her eyes (not to say that you are!).

Have you read some of the lessons on the staying board?  They give good techniques for communicating and such.  Maybe check those out and see what you think might help your situation.  Good Luck!

[Bulgakov]

She texted on her break and apologized. I tried to empathize and explained that this had nothing to do with communicating plans or not. That the chores just caught up with me. She seemed to accept this. She later asked if we should spend a few days apart or not. I said I didn't need time apart but would not be offended if she needed space. I said I could come over tonight or tomorrow. The response, "you can go f__k yourself for not making a decision." I thought my response indicated that I did not need to be away from her. Now it has escalated into "i want to break up." I have heard it before. But I'm sitting her thinking about just not responding any more. Like, why should I try to make this better.

Then I just get reeled back in, promising to do better next time and to communicate better, which is soo hard to do when anger and psychological punishment are hidden around every corner. It all ends with the feeling that I am burdening her back into the relationship when I did not at all offer any counter-arguments as to why we should be together.

Thanks for the response. I tried to apologize for as little as possible. I have been reading some of the resources offered here. Though I have little time to do so. I try to fit it in whenever possible. Just starting to think I don't have what it takes to be there for someone with BPD at this point in my life. But I love this person so much. If she wants to break up with me. I wish she would follow through instead of dragging me along.

[Lady31]

I think you should teach her that punishing you doesn't work and makes you take her less seriously.  Maybe she can learn a couple things.   

I would flat set a boundary and tell her that her acting that way and speaking to you that way will not teach you a single thing and you will not tolerate it.  In the future you will be setting a boundary that you pull away and cut off all contact with her until she can respond and treat you in a respectful way.

Problem solved!  She will learn to treat you better or she won't. 

[Bulgakov]

I almost feel like it is too late for setting boundaries. I think her opinion of me is already too low. I went to her place last night, which was probably a mistake. Conversation went back and forth from good to bad. She said she wanted to break up, but I have a hard time believing her when she says that. She told me to leave, but whenever I have left in the past it has not gone well for me. So I have this inability to separate myself from the situation. In her defense I have let myself be broken down and my self fulfilling prophecies just make it worse, like I'm upset with her when I'm not (I'm just nervous). I am feeling like I deal with this relationship in a childish manner myself. She says she cheated on me recently. I don't know if she is serious, but last week she did hang out with some friend, and she stayed wherever she went to. Usually she tells me who she is hanging out with. So in this case I believe her. I'm not certain about kids and marriage whereas she wants both. We were going to move back in together this Summer, but I think I fear that (even if I hide it from myself). I don't know why I have such fears of ending this. It seems better for her. I'm not good at this. She seems to understand that she an be mean and violent, but considers this some of my doing. Some of that I can agree with. But I don't think she understands that her anger is why I have a hard time committing, or making plans when I'm overwhelmed with everything in my life plus the worry that I will screw things up. Maybe if we end it, she can get out of this town that she so badly wants to leave. I never said I was sure about marriage or kids, and I made it clear I wanted to finish school before leaving town. I let myself get weighed down and now I am the annoying nervous one in the relationship.

[tuum est61]

Bulgakov,

Its great that youve recognized that you have some difficulties with boundaries, but remember, boundaries are set by you - they are actions that YOU take and need to be actions that are mostly independent from hers. You need to work on your boundaries for sure - its never "too late" to do so.  An example is the arrangement you tried to make concerning the money you owed her.  :)ropping it off in the mailbox - as long as she was the only one with access to it - would have been setting a boundary.   Setting such boundaries will also help with her concerns about your indecisiveness. You get more respect when you set boundaries and that particular cycle of conflict ends.  

Along with setting boundaries, another helpful tool is validation.   You were actually INVALIDATING with your response regarding the cleaning - "I assured her this was not the case, that cleaning just took longer than I expected."  Your "assurance" only served to invalidate her feelings.   Going with the full SET approach you COULD have said

S. I want good communications. Good communications is important.  

E.You felt I ignored you yesterday when I ran late cleaning and didn't let you know at the time it was happening.  

T.  I took more time than I planned while cleaning.

And then drop it - unless its necessarily to reemphasize the empathy portion.  But don't apologize and NO "promising to do better next time."

More on SET here

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Keep us posted on how things are going.   

[4now]

You said her opinion of you is too low?  What is your opinion of yourself?  That is all that really matters.  How can you feel better about the situation and then feel a little better about yourself?  It seems like you are taking on an awful lot of responsibility for the problems in the relationship. You said you are part to blame for her violence and being mean?  We all play a part in the dynamics of a rs, but that doesn't make it ok for her to act this way with you.  You said you are not good at this?  None of us are, really.  It is just something that takes immense amounts of effort and trial and error to possibly see any small results.  :)on't beat yourself up over not knowing how to deal with it.  I have only recently begun to understand any of it and to try to deal with it effectively, and that's after about three years.

The more you take responsibility for, the less she has to.  If you are overwhelmed, take a step back. Give yourself some time and maybe things will get clearer for you.  This is okay to do.  You are taking care of yourself.  

And as far as the go f+++ u, you have every right to tell her you will talk to her when she doesn't speak to you like that.  I bet you will see a change in her behavior when you start laying out some boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate.

And about her breaking up with you, that is very common BPD behavior.  If you want to break it off, for real, it will probably need to come from you. And there are resources for that on this site too. Or yes, she will probably just drag you along for as long as you are willing.

My best to you... .  

Best to you... .