Are you staying because "Better the devil you know... "?

[Vinnie]

You've heard the proverb:

Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.

meaning, if you have to choose between a familiar but unpleasant situation and an unfamiliar situation, choose the familiar one because the unfamiliar situation may turn out to be worse.

With kids involved, who has stayed because you believed dealing with a BPD SO in the house may be preferable to dealing with a BPDex enemy out of the house, for both them and the kids?

I just found out about her secret affair last week. We have a S9. Although I am devastated and can't trust her anymore, I have to weigh the option of staying in the marriage (of course that's if she will come back, not sure if she would).  With new skills of coping/dealing with a BPD, I feel I could survive in the marriage until S9 is gone or at least older.

I've gotten good advice from this board and the WTO Christian board, mostly wisdom of protecting my boy and myself by exiting the marriage. However, the financial fallout and potential of a damaging, high-conflict BPD divorce is the devil I don't know. 

Thoughts?

[nowwhatz]

As for me... .  no.

I have stayed because I have been hooked.

It is hard for me to imagine having a more difficult r/s with another person than my uBPDexgf. I don't think I could easily find another devil this bad.

[Newton]

Perhaps we could re-frame the thread question as "better to be in a challenging, potentially unhealthy relationship... .  than to be single?"... .  

Accepting that "this is as good as I can do, or deserve"... .  is quite a destructive thought and a self fulfilling prophecy... .  

[Vinnie]

Newtown,

I don't know about others, but I am ok being alone for a few years. And  I am confident in meeting a quality woman eventually. 

The apprehension that grips me is a scorched earth divorce and having to deal for the rest of my life with a mentally ill person who hates me.

[Newton]

Vinnie... .  I appreciate your position... .  children with a person with someone with BPD changes the dynamic significantly... .  

All I can suggest is that this could be a positive... .  (at the same time it also gives you even more responsibility)... .  

It's an opportunity to show your children consistent loving behaviour... .  and be a great role model for them... .  

Being ok with being alone is v cool... .  that doesn't have to mean you feel lonely 

[hithere]

The apprehension that grips me is a scorched earth divorce and having to deal for the rest of my life with a mentally ill person who hates me.

She can scorch your life (and hate you) just as well being your wife as being your ex-wife, except if you stay you might have no change at a normal happy life for you or your children.

[Washisheart]

Every success involves struggle. Don't let fear be the ONLY reason for staying.  You and your son deserve better. And once the clouds of the divorce process lift, you can find your rainbow with a new beginning in life.

[Vinnie]

Good advice you guys I know.

It is the fear. It's also the trauma of taking her photos off the walls , out of my wallet, and off Facebook. It's packing in the garage the "Grow Old With Me, The Best Is Yet To Be"  and the "Family, Because Two People Fell In Love" wall plaques given as anniversary gifts. It's telling our 5 grown kids and our S9 we're divorcing (been crying off an on all day thinking about how to do that.)

How long does it take to get over this, at least enough to stop grieving night and day?  It's been four months since she moved out, six weeks since she left in her heart and 5 days since she pulled the divorce trigger.  I don't drink but maybe I should for a while (hate hangover headaches though).