So frustrating…

[seeking_solace]

I just got off the phone with my BPDw and she called me with two problems. 

1.    Our four year old son is blaming her, correctly among us adults, for daddy leaving home and repeatedly telling her he hates her.

2.   Our son, again four years old, is calling her by her first name rather than mommy.

I would like nothing better than for my sons (3) to have a good relationship with their mother, but she is incapable of acting like an adult on a consistent basis.  She is splitting right now and my family and I are responsible for her past behavior and we are “all bad.”  Oddly I received this call while I was pulling statements for my lawyer for our hopefully sooner than later divorce.  I can’t wait to get off the crazy train.  I had hoped that she would be reasonable as I am trying to give her the deal of the century, but nope.  I guess I’m going to have to pay for this until the end of time as an uncontested is going out the window only to be replaced with a lengthy and pricy contested divorce.  Please, please... .  help me find some sanity in this crazy situation.

[Justadude]

I'm a single dad. I'm not sure about your situation. Although it feels like a win for your 4 year old to say those things, I wouldn't take them personal or use them to your advantage. Your children are in pain. The last thing they need is for either of you to pull them by making them pick a side. I would suggest you assert that you love your children, it's not their fault, you and mom both love them. Don't put that weight on your kids.

Now if you have legitimate concerns about her emotional stability you can always offer to take your children not on your time and say get some rest. When you return your boys as much as you are dying on the inside, tell them in front of their mom that they cannot say those things to their mom. Enforce their love for their mom support your kids, remain neutral, and take up your parenting concerns not in front of them but through professional help.

Make sure you document everything.

[ForeverDad]

Giving her the Deal of the Century is not going to make her behave any better.  It will be wasted money and not get you much of anything.  I hope your DotC offer has an expiration date?  Don't make it open-ended.  If you have to spend more money on courts and lawyers then naturally the offer has to be withdrawn after it is refused or ignored and then you can proceed to court.

Frankly, for nearly all of us here, our ex-spouses had no respect for us and would not allow us any authority.  Accept that reality.  The only authority left is not her as she insists, it is family court.  The judge is the real authority.  And the fact is that though it takes months/years and costs a lot of money, we often get better results in court decisions than making deals with an uncooperative and disrespectful ex.

Typically a deal (settlement) works only when the ex can't delay things any longer.  In my case, my separation and divorce lasted some 2 years while we went through literally every step required by the court, all the way to the last step, the Trial.  While we did settle, she was only ready to settle on Trial Morning, literally 5 minutes before it was scheduled to start.  So my general advice for high conflict cases is to keep the case moving along as fast as you can in court, keeping delays and continuances to a minimum.  A deal is often not reached until the ex has no other option left.

As for your son, likely she is insisting that you tell him to stop or punish him for it.  That's a tricky corner she's trying to put you in.  You have to be careful not to invalidate your son's perceptions.  Likely he feels free to express himself when with you, and it's hard for him to remember to be more careful around her.  It's sad that a child has to learn such things at such a young age.  My ex too demanded "respect" but of course she had none for me.  That inequity is hard to explain to a child that young.