And the silence continues...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So here we are, 3rd Jan and still no 'pleasant' conversation with my BPDbf this year.  He works away and left yesterday, no contact last night except an email detailing all my faults etc etc.  I haven't responded.

I actually really enjoyed a peaceful night last night and wonder if I really would be better off without him and him without me.  I don't deal with his moods well, I know that, maybe I should just let him go :-(

He admitted to me on NYE that he could only love me 50% of the time and that he needs to learn to love himself.  I said I loved him 100% of the time and he said he couldn't deal with that, after that ziltch, he didnt want to discuss it and stormed off.

I want to be white again, it's lonely being black.

[Sadsue]

So here we are, 3rd Jan and still no 'pleasant' conversation with my BPDbf this year.  He works away and left yesterday, no contact last night except an email detailing all my faults etc etc.  I haven't responded.

I actually really enjoyed a peaceful night last night and wonder if I really would be better off without him and him without me.  I don't deal with his moods well, I know that, maybe I should just let him go :-(

He admitted to me on NYE that he could only love me 50% of the time and that he needs to learn to love himself.  I said I loved him 100% of the time and he said he couldn't deal with that, after that ziltch, he didnt want to discuss it and stormed off.

I want to be white again, it's lonely being black.

[Validation78]

Hi sSue!

I know how hard it is to feel rejected by the behaviors of a pwBPD. Safe to say that all of us here have been through a similar thing!

Just a suggestion, when the conversation about him only being able to love you 50% of the time took place, it would have been a good time to validate his feelings and to ask probing questions. I know that reassuring him about your ability to love him 100% of the time seems like a good response, and to a normal person, it would have been. However, to a pwBPD, it isn't meeting his needs. He needs you to hear and understand his feelings and validation is a soothing tool that enables us to do that.

The best thing you can do when he is in one of his moods is to focus on yourself. While he is gone and incommunicado, you could spend time with family and friends, exercise, read, watch a movie that only you want to see, etc., etc. The point is, take care of your needs and let him be. He needs to figure it all out on his own, and so do you. We codep. personalities think we have to fix everything, and the fact is, we don't, and can't.

Good job not responding to his nasty email. It's bait to lure you into an argument that will lead to no good. In addition, many members here have shared that contentious discussions via email or text often turn out to be a disaster!

Take care of sSue! Do something today that makes you feel good, regardless of what is going on with him!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Sadsue]

Thanks Val, you are so right.  This 50% thing is a massive problem for me.  The way I normally describe it is like being a toy that he puts away in the drawer and only gets me out when he feels like it, under his terms.  This hurts me immensely.

I have spoken to a relative of his (very vaguely) about this and it seems a lot of the family act similarly.  I really do try to accept this, I know it's his problem and I also know he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone but I get so frustrated, so so frustrated when I am 'put in the drawer'.  I am very annoyed that I rose to it over new year,  I think there are such high expectations to have a good time with loved ones that it increased my frustration.

I have just received a text asking for 'feedback on his email'.  I still haven't responded.

We are suppose to be getting married this year.  So confused.

[kl315]

Hi Sue... .  I think our pwBPD might be related (), except he isn't one for long, detailed emails. Mine has also gone silent since NYE but this time, I'm really trying to focus on what I need to be doing in my own life and not worrying about when the inevitable apology call will come. I'm not 100% successful, but I'm doing better.

Val is right. Arguing the points of his email will get you absolutely no where. If you really believe you should respond in some way, maybe post it here and get some help with using the tools in your response. You can validate without agreeing to what he is staying, but it's not easy. It's also important to be accountable for anything he said that IS actually the truth.

The 50% thing... .  if yours is anything like mine, it may not mean what you're taking it to mean. After my first "silent treatment", mine basically told me that he loved me so much it was overwhelming to him and the fact that I am being treated for cancer is terrfying. He is fully aware that the intensity of both feelings are a trigger (he is in therapy and is becoming more and more self aware). I believe that at these times he feels that he must take a step back before he becomes completely overwhelmed. He has so much as said that these are the times he "pushes" me away... .  out of fear and intense emotion. And when he comes out of it, he literally cries with relief that I haven't bailed on him while he was being irrational.

You mentioned earlier that he had asked to be "friends". Mine has said that a couple of times. The first time I freaked out and things were contentious between us for a couple of weeks. The second time, I had a better understanding of where it was coming from so told him that was ok with me if it's what he wanted, and I actually MEANT it (key). That second time, HE freaked out, very quickly changed his mind and even suported me through my next chemo cycle. Of course, he went off the deep end again the day before NYE when I started losing my hair, but that's a different story.

In any case, if he continues with treatment, there is usually potential for improvement but you have to figure out for yourself if it's worth it and how much you're willing to put up with. Mine got worse before he stared gettng better, though we weren't a couple at the time. If he's not in treatment you can expect more of the same. If he's asking you to respond to his email, he is baiting you as Val said, but he probably hasn't completely painted you black so if you respond, it's very important you respond appropriately... .  ask for some help with that here. Good luck.

[almost789]

I've been here. I remember saying to mine, I give you 110% and you should be giving me the same. Ughh... .  that was before I knew he had BPD. You must let go of alot of your expectations with pwBPD. They can't give you all you want. They don't have it to give. They go in and out of good and bad states and if you are thinking marriage you must know this. It will never be an equal relationship and in most cases, ,like he is telling you it will be 50% to 100%.  If you try to make them feel guitly for not being capable. They will leave you. You have to decide if he's worth it. The good times are really good and the bad are VERY numerous.

[hithere]

I want to be white again, it's lonely being black.

I found the longer I was in the relationship, the longer the black period were until they were almost an exact flip from the idealization phase (90% black).

We are suppose to be getting married this year.  So confused.

Wow, once you are married and have kids leaving will take on a whole new challenge.  I would think long and hard because forever is a really long time!

I think there are such high expectations to have a good time with loved ones that it increased my frustration.

Just to put it into perspective for you.  Last year at New years I was with my exBPD and was walking on egg shells, dreading my time off work because I knew I would spend most of it fighting or avoiding fights with her.  We fought on NYE and went out separately.

This year I am with a new partner (we got engaged a few weeks ago) and I had an amazing time, spent 11 solid days and nights with her (and her family) and we laughed, talked, drank, watched movies and all the good stuff... .  zero fights and good memories for the future.

[Sadsue]

Just seen a quote on Facebook which really struck a cord with me "just because someone doesn't love you how you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"

I think if our relationship is to survive I will have to accept this.  A few nasty texts from him this afternoon, I did respond but only to apologise for the things I did do wrong.  He said sorry isn't enough I have to admit I have done x, y and z.  I refuse to apologise for what I haven't done so just said, the ball is in your court.  He replied with "ok bye" that was 4 hours ago.  I've not been in touch or heard from him since.

He normally does this before he starts to come round.  Time will tell.

[almost789]

Just seen a quote on Facebook which really struck a cord with me "just because someone doesn't love you how you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"

He said sorry isn't enough I have to admit I have done x, y and z.  I refuse to apologise for what I haven't done so just said, the ball is in your court.  He replied with "ok bye" that was 4 hours ago.  I've not been in touch or heard from him since.

He normally does this before he starts to come round.  Time will tell.

I agree, with the facebook post. But, I hope you think real hard and serious about marrying him as another poster said, the resulting effects on children raised by BPD parents can be really harmful and once you are in that position, it is near impossible to get out and I have seen post after post of women who wish they'd had known all this before they jumped into marriage and children.

"ok bye"  ... .  thats so strikingly similar to what mine does when he doesn't get what he wants. "BYE". thats it. Kind of childish.

[hithere]

Just seen a quote on Facebook which really struck a cord with me "just because someone doesn't love you how you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"

He said sorry isn't enough I have to admit I have done x, y and z.  I refuse to apologise for what I haven't done so just said, the ball is in your court.  He replied with "ok bye" that was 4 hours ago.  I've not been in touch or heard from him since.

He normally does this before he starts to come round.  Time will tell.

Sounds like you are caught up in the FOG and denial.

Try and think about this from a 3rd person perspective, if someone you cared about told you this story what advice would you give them?

[Gimme Peace]

I actually really enjoyed a peaceful night last night and wonder if I really would be better off without him and him without me.  I don't deal with his moods well, I know that, maybe I should just let him go :-(

Sadsue... .  Don't take his behavior lightly. It is very likely that he will not improve and will only get worse as time goes on. The longer you stay with him, and prove that you are willing to put up with his behavior, will give him license to treat you even worse. He may not even know he's doing it.

It sounds like you already know what to do, if you want to preserve your own sanity for the future. Don't be a yo-yo on the end of his string. Get out while you can. His mood swings will erode your self-esteem over time. Once you get married, it's much harder to leave. I've been with someone who regularly uses the silent treatment and sabotages nearly all birthday, holidays and special occasions, for apparently no real reason except that he is mentally ill and can't stand for others to have their day in the spotlight. Is what you want for your future? Or do you want a healthy relationship? You're not going to have a healthy relationship with this person.

[4now]

Hello,

Not to tell you what to do, obviously you have to make up your own mind, but as someone married with kids to a man with undiagnosed BPD, think really really really hard.  Give it some more time.  You can still get married down the road if you see improvements and things change.

From my own experience, I didn't see much of these irrational behaviors until we were well into our marriage and had two kids.  Now, granted, we had those two kids very quickly and had only been married about 3 years, together for four years.  I did see some behavior that was questionable, but I thought I could handle it and after those few episodes, he treated me awesome.  I guess we had a long idealization phase.

But things changed about 5 years ago and they have slowly gone down hill.  And just when I think, well, how could it get any worse than this, it does.  Somehow it does. 

The biggest concern would be children.  This is so unfair to them in so many ways.  The fighting they have witnessed, the inconsistency of their father, the absence of their father.  The thing that gets me the most is that I could feasibly get re-married someday, but he is their father.  They will only get one of those.  I think it's a pretty bum deal for them.

Imagine your life someday with this man.  If it's what you want and need.  Read through the stories on here and it will give you a pretty good idea of what's in store for you. 

[cookiecrumbled]

4Now -

Beautiful post.  Beautiful.