Any advice on bfs/gfs?

[sunshineplease]

My ud17 is currently "in a relationship" (FB-speak) with a girl who has serious issues of her own. Most everyone -- my husband, me, my son, my daughter's long-time friends, all therapists dd has has seen, even the dean at school -- sees the relationship as very unhealthy. But the girls are in love, and both of them are holding onto this relationship for dear life. The therapist dd is currently seeing feels that this intense relationship is getting in the way of my daughter's willingness to do the work required to get better.

Any comforting stories for me? Any experience with how to handle relationship issues without creating a Capulet/Montague mess? Or is this a place where working on radical acceptance is the best thing?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pattyt]

Radical Acceptance is about the only thing you can do.  Opposition to the relationship will get you nowhere.  She'll only hang on harder and you'll be the enemy, and it will be perceived as your fault when the relationship eventually craters.  This doesn't mean you have to give your approval, just not open disapproval.  Step carefully.  Work within the space you have.  Just my advice. 

[Eclaire5]

I think Patty is right, step back and just be there when it crashes. We know it probably will not end up well, and I am sure your first reaction is to protect her so she doesn't harm herself even more with a relationship like that, but she will see your protection as control. With children like that we cannot even give our motherly advise because they react so strongly to what they perceive as our attempt to control them.

[js friend]

Hi sunshine,

If your dd is using F/B in your home to contact this girl then you can put restrictions on her f/b use,... .  which will probably trigger her anger.

Other  than that I would say that you should just let nature take its course with this r/s.

My dd had a similiar r/s with a girl she met at school who showed as much dysregulation as dd... .  even the running away from home  was the same.At first my dd absolutley loved this girl. They would speak for hours every night and they made all kinds of plans together. They spent all their time togther, until my dd began to wanted to do her own thing away from this girl. Suddendly dd couldnt handle this girls behaviour anymore.

Regulary dd would wake up to 30+ missed calls from this girl and this girl would call her throughout the day.DD even became wary about answering her phone ,and would  come to me for advice on how to handle this gilrs behaviour becuase it was stressing her out (very ironic  

I didnt trying to break them apart because I knew dd would see it as trying to control who she should and shouldnt be friends with... .  so I just took a backseat. I also knew that it wouldnt last and I also hoped that dd would perhpas  identify her own behaviours in her friend  ... .  Of course this didnt happen.

In the end this girls behaviour got on dd's nerves so much that it the r/s burnt it self out.

[sunshineplease]

Thanks, all. We had to put some restrictions on their seeing each other at one point, b/c my ud17 was saying the girl had kicked her in the ribs. Whether this actually happened or not we will never know, but my daughter now claims she was saying that to get our attention. Funny, j's friend, but the behavior you outline is exactly what happened with the girlfriend -- she flips out when my daughter's not available to her! But both of these girls are so lonely and dysfunctional... .  they keep finding their way back to each other.

Will work on stepping back and hoping my daughter learns... .  

[griz]

Sunshine:

My DD had a similar relationship with a girl she met in DBT.  At first I didn't think much of it but then this girl started doing the same, texting DD constantly, always in crisis, calling constantly.  At the time I spoke to my daughters T about it and she told me to keep an eye on it and try to keep the lines of communication open with DD about the relationship.  Use it as a learning experience for DD.  So that is what I did.  I showed no protest to thier relationship however when DD would talk about it I would use it show model good behaviors for DD.  An example of this was when she would text DD relentlessly or be in crisis I would ask DD how she thought she should handle it.  We talked about what suggestions she could give to her friend and we also discussed how she could set boundaries for when her friend could call.  The relationship went on for a short period of time and then one day after repeated crisis calls from the friend DD came to me and told me that although she tried to help she finally told her "I am not a therapist and I don;t know how else I can help, I think you need to call your therapist right now".  The other girl finally backed off and the relationship fizzeled out.  I applauded DD for how she handled it.  Keep in mind, although are children are BPD they are also teenagers and many of these relationships are par for the course.

Griz