where's the line between parental responsibility and codependency?

[determined NMS]

On Friday I received a call from my dd (she is currently staying with my mum after the Police were called a couple of months when she wouldn't calm down) she was really distressed as she had received a call from social services because she is 16 weeks pregnant. She was asking me if I would have the baby, she doesn't want it and how she wishes that she was dead. I spent about 20 minutes trying to soothe her and she ended the call.

Later I messaged her on facebook to see if she is ok. Her response was my mum had kicked her out and she has to go on Monday (my mum has mental health issues and I would venture from what I know now she probably has BPD also). The rest of the evening was spent trying to keep 2 people calm who do not behave rationally all the time. I convinced my dd to go and see a doctor as I believe she isn't well and she doesn't have to feel this way all the time. I suggested I go to London to the gp with her (I live about an hour away).

I spent the whole evening consumed in my dd and didn't go to the social event that I was supposed to. My partner went without me and it was something we had been planning to go to for months. But instead of going I spent the time being consumed by my dd. I have done this a million times.

The following day I said to my partner we had to find something solution to my dd's situation (I feel she has no options, she doesn't function, has no education, barely manages to keep her welfare as she doesn't comply to the requirements, was housed but messed that up and now the local authority won't house her and she is 16 weeks pregnant. We have in the past helped her with getting a room in a shared house but within 4 months the landlord was begging us to move her out as he couldn't take the problems that come with her.) I continually feel I have to sort this out for her. My partner says he will do anything but he will not live with her and she can't come back to live in our house, if she comes back he goes somewhere else as he can't cope with the difficulties she causes.

Now she is over this particular crisis, her and my mum have been fine from the following morning. Everything is back to "normal". And I see that its partly my co-dependency issues. She doesn't want to sort things out when there's not a particular crisis and it is likely the situation with my mum will break down before long and then what? How do I stay sane throughout this craziness? I found myself thinking if she makes a suicide attempt at least she'll be picked up by the psychological services

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eclaire5]

How is the social service agency involved? Could she receive any mental health treatment from them? It seems like the pregnancy kicked her into crisis mode and she might be that way for a while, at least until she figures out what she is going to do. It is too late to have an abortion, but she can be assisted by social services to put the baby up for adoption. I would suggest for you to call emergency if she states that she wants to commit suicide, even if you think she does not mean it. That way she can be hospitalized until the crisis is resolved.

[determined NMS]

Hi Eclaire thanks for your response. Social Services are involved as after she was released from prison last year she was put in supported housing (housed with a family that fosters 16+). That broke down in Feb and she has since then refused support from them.

I spoke to her social worker today and tried to suggest that maybe she has a mental health problem and needs support and that her refusal to take any support might actually be part of her illness. The social worker asked why I say this, so I went through the issues - rage, not functioning in terms of taking responsibility for her life in anyway, suicidal thoughts/feelings, impulsivity, not learning from any of the situations where she has broken things down and made her life really difficult. The SW agreed she has all of this stuff but then went on to say this is normal teenage issues! I was like, we have had her refusing to go to school since the age of 12, excluded from 4 schools and the final one where she sprayed bleach in the eyes of a teacher, being street homeless 2 times, domestic violence, evicted from every place she has lived at since 15, 3 pregnancies (one she lost at 4 months but didn't tell anyone). I think this goes beyond "normal teenage stuff!"

I have spent the day calling SS in the different areas - she has moved out of our local area but the way SS work here it is she is the responsibility of the leaving authority unless her case has been handed over properly. It would also appear that no-one called on Friday so I have no idea wherfe the situation arose from... .  

The idea of calling 999 seems a good idea if she is expressing suicidal thoughts. Thank you

[determined NMS]

gosh I have just had an epipthany, wow will I ever learn? After mulling it all over and armed with the new information that S didn't actually call. I now suspect that she got into trouble with my mum, who probably lost her stuff on her and then she set about with this whole ruse with me to get me involved, calm everyone down and sort everything out with my mum. I truly believe this is the case and once again I had the wool pulled over my eyes and gave up my own life and plans to be sucked into whatever it is she wants me to do... .  

[frustratedmom]

Dear determined -

Like your name!

I would agree this is not "normal teenage stuff" geez... .  doesn't it just make your blood boil when they say stuff like that?

We had a T who was part of a pain management team for my dd's physical condition, and for six months she tried to treat my dd like she was "normal" because we really didn't see all of the stuff she was doing at the time... .  then when I started to get worried that something else was up, like cutting, horrific drawings (showing cutting), she said "oh they just act out stuff sometimes to try it on for size".

Then my dd (barely 15) got pregnant, stunning everyone on the "team" who were really assembled for treating kids with cancer, burn victims, and those recovering from accidents or living with a congenital issue... .  but basically "normal" kids with physical pain.

They did an abrupt about face, dumped her as a patient, and diagnosed her with "major depression" so she could go to a P.

Not that I blame them ... .  I would have run the other way too if I had known what was coming down the pike and had other options 

If she is living with your mum - can you get together with both of them to discuss crisis options? This may sound strange, but maybe they can get along because they recognize the symptoms in each other, and can self soothe together?

Every time my dd calls it is a crisis and she wants out. There is yelling and screaming in the background by the bf. She is crying and sounds like my baby. We have made the mistake too often of going in to "rescue" her, only to be thrown under the bus each time, with the police often just rolling their eyes at us... .  like you fools, leave her drama alone and let her sort it out.

So if I were you, I would focus on your relationship with your partner, and leave the drama to settle a bit by not answering the phone, not calling back right away, and seeing how things settle themselves.

Then call later and say you were out and the phone was off... .  what's up?

Just a thought... .  half the time when we do this my dd says... .  what? oh that was yesterday. today is ok.

Best wishes,

FM

[determined NMS]

I know I feel such a fool right now!    not sure I will ever learn. I think I am going to have to turn my phone off, and not log on to fb when I have social events planned for a while otherwise I just get pulled into the drama and like you say the following day they go shopping, for something to eat and everything is fine! I just go rushing in, without even a thought and try to save her from the drama!

My partner has a saying he developed that goes "you can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can fool me three times. But the 15th time I'm goinna sit down and think about what you're saying for a moment."