Hey there, maybe some of you know a bit about the story im in at the moment.
I'm currently 25 years old and coming out of a 1,5/2 year relationship with my BPD gf.
Might be a bit of a long story, and therefore my apologies, just asking advice whether or not to continue ...
PastShe came out of a sexual and mentally abusive relationship and her self esteem and self image took an enormous hit.
I on the other hand had good grades on university and had a fantastic job. Life was great and never felt better (September 2011).
She stuck to me as glue in the beginning, and even a little SMS already could make her crazy. For her it was SUPER intense, I grew in this relationship with a slower pace. Then I made the unfortunate choice to move country with her, to start living with her while together doing our MSc's.
I talked into her for hours and hours since she is a die hard black or white thinker, send her to a shrink due to her issues with her ex-boyfriend. I tried whatever I could to pull her up. Talking, writing her poems, writing her stories. However, I always felt like i was walking on egg-shells around her. She has a short leash, keeps emotions to her self, never discussed anything with others about her ex-boyfriend. During this year of living together, I unfortunate chose (and this is my mistake) to put my full attention to her, and slowly cut off all other social contacts I had. She sometimes had really below the belt comments in regards of me meeting other girls. For example a ex-gf, or when I was working with a different girl during my job she always could react really obnoxious. She had no apparent hobbies for herself. Whatever she did, was because I also did it, or bought it, or was watching it. I started watching my favorite TV shows with her, I showed her my favorite puzzles, my favorite food and we often went to the cinema.
Now, months later, I don't do any of that stuff anymore. I just can't. I can't even buy my favorite drink which i had for years, because SHE also liked it. And im sure she now never touches it anymore!
It went wrong the moment I had a mental exhaustion and I basically was overstressed of juggling between work and school and relationship that I basically went numb for 2.5 weeks. I couldn't do anything anymore, fysically and mentally. I was literally exhausted and needed rest. My GF (and still is, somehow) was SO shocked to see a once so strong person in such shambles that she started to walk completely over me. She felt like I betrayed her, wanted to cheat on me, blamed everything on me, whatever I tried after this period, everything backfired on me. Every little thing. Whatever I tried, it was all pure selfish she said. I never wanted to help her, but purely myself. She kept telling me that. However, the intimacy between us at that point, was from the highest level ever. Fysical attraction was still there, mental attraction was gone after the moment I succumbed under stress. It was like a switch was turned in her head.
She also never liked my friends, something I didnt notice from the beginning but later on, she felt the influence of my friends (and I already didnt have a lot) had a bad influence on me ).
She moved country and cried and had enormous sudden outburst where she told me, in tears, that nobody cared for her in the new country she was located and if she would jump out of the window, no one would give a . A shrink once told her she has social phobia, mine told her she has strong signs of BPD and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She also had bulimic issues when she was younger and nearly died when she was young, she had to stay in a hospital for a long time and most of her friends never came to visit her.
I feel like i was used as a rebound after her abusive relationship with her ex.
My current situation right nowCurrently unemployed
living with my father again (after living on my own for years)
An unfinished MSc (will finish in July 2013)
A non existing social life (killed off most of it )
I have a few friends, but those a the typical ' you speak with once every 3/4 weeks '.
I've never felt so lonely in life as I do now. She is my own daily contact
Back in September 2011, I lived in London, worked, had a fantastic degree and everything was looking bright. Now, just 14 months later, I have issues waking up for tomorrow because it doesn't feel worth it anymore. She tells me that if she would get pregnant, she would need to take care of me and herself. She has so smashed my self-confidence that I don't even feel worthy going out to other people and ask or seek other friends.
Friends around me, tell me i'm crazy I went with this girl for such a long period. They already saw the
miles away and of course sort of tell me, hey man, your responsibility, u fell, take the pain.
The only thing i do on a daily basis now is wake up, check the board, hopefully have a chat with 1 or 2 people online, go to a supermarket and go back to bed. Other than that trying to apply for jobs, because I'm currently living in a rural area, in the middle of nowhere, far from everyone else. I have so much mental pain, that it drives my head crazy. I wake up with nightmares because of this girl, in September she wanted to marry me and have kids, in October all was gone ...
So what to do now? I'm officially still in a relationship with her. Officially, that is. But we barely have contact. I stick to her at the moment because she is my only physical evidence of having social contact on a daily basis. If not for her, I could go sit in my bed for days if not weeks before I would get a call from someone. I don't know anyone here in the neighbourhood. I can't go nowhere. I'm flying to her, monday in a week. So got roughly 9/10 more nights to think this over.
This girl has ruined my life and it's all my fault that I let myself in this mess. If i was completely healthy I would have noticed all the
before. However I didnt.
I wrote down a list, all the positives and negatives and came to this;
Things I like Raw diamond
She gives warmth (through hugs and all)
Honest and loyal person
Can make me laugh
Intelligent
Attractive, my kind of girl
Couldn’t help the things which happened to her, but is trying to make the best of it
Things I don’t like:Self-esteem immensely fragile, all behind a thick glass protective wall
Lack of self-confidence, and if shown, not sure if it’s a glass wall image or not
She flies into rages without any warning at all, over relatively trivial/simple matters
She sometimes thinks no-one cares about her
She needs to have complete control over her feelings otherwise she might lose control and go berserk
Unstable self-image and emotions, hidden behind a thick glass protection shield
Has a persistent low self-image, also projects this to work and friends (as if she isn’t good enough)
She is a black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinker
One moment she takes something way to serious, the other moment, she doesn’t care
Nurtures self-defense mechanism, does not want to get hurt if so, walks away and shuts the door
Not always very open, need to break through in order to get the real opinion/thought
She can burst open by 1 thing said or done wrong (whether good intention or not)
A certain lack of self-control (the shielding costs a lot of energy)
Projects own reality, very stubborn if she thinks she is right, she sticks
Feeling of walking on egg shells around her when she has herself not under control
Very defensive and protective, you cross the wrong line and you’re screwed
Builds walls everywhere
Tendency to interpret everything from her perspective
Bit of a mess in regards of dealing with important papers
Can be selfish from time to time
Shows a strange sense of insecurity, typical emotional rollercoaster type
May let her-self surrender under social group pressure as a follower
Kills of any bad emotions in a second; as she has been hurt before and doesn’t want that again
The moment she can take control, she is ruthless
Damaged goods? Came from bad relationship, never allows this to happen again, so no margin of error
It tells me, this relationship is far off balance and the last 3 months almost everything (all the money, the energy comes purely from 1 side, and 1 side alone. Mine!). I'm afraid in falling in an enormous black hole after leaving her and i'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to get out of it. It feels to me that my current gf w BPD has used her anger out of her ex relationship (the mental abuse, self confidence, everything) to put that towards me, and now she might feel a bit better but I seriously feel sick to my stomach.
I hate my life now, but my heart still loves this girl so much. I would walk the entire world for, catch a bullet for her. I think about her all the time. But I know that with this mentally ill girl, I can't build a normal mutually healthy relationship. And unfortunately she is also my best friend. My social life is completely in ruins. I'm like the guy who lives in a cave and doesn't come out anymore and just 14 months ago, I had a thriving awesome life, where potential lied everywhere. I regret having met her, seen her and spent any second of my life with her. I feel betrayed, spit out as chewing gum. Never had the feeling she ever loved me and all she told me in regards of love, was a lie.
What to do?
We are officially still a couple, and i'm flying there the 21st of January and untill July I have not anything in my plans besides graduating. I'm afraid of falling in the black hole of loneliness but I realize that keeping a toxic relationship for that is not a good reason.
Thanks for whoever read the whole story. :'(
