Breakthrough? Why the split hurt so bad, maybe...

[BentNotBroken]

I have been giving things some thought in the few spare moments I have and I may have come across a reason why the split hurt so much, for so long. Here goes:

I was with BPD ex for 15+ years, we have a young son together. I loved her and felt that she was family for many years. When she started splitting me, and we later split up, I still loved her and felt like she was family and treated her accordingly. In her mind I had become her instant mortal enemy, and she treated me accordingly. I still felt like she was family, even though we were no longer together. Each attack felt like a mortal wound, because I still felt, thought, and treated her as if she were my family, and not someone who considered me an enemy. Not the best way for me to react to someone who is/was trying to get me falsely convicted of a felony in order to avoid having to share custody.

Fortunately my head got it, and my emotions came dragging along shortly after. I had to get detached enough to not only see, but to feel, if only for a short time, like she was my enemy. Most of the time now, I have an intellectual hatred for her actions, because they are so destructive to our son and me, but on an emotional level I feel disgust or primarily nothing at all towards her most of the time.

I still need to do some work on the recurring revulsion I feel for wasting 15+ years of my life with her.

[maria1]

Hi Bentnotbroken

Two things really jump out from your post for me:-

I was with BPD ex for 15+ years, we have a young son together. I loved her and felt that she was family for many years

I still need to do some work on the recurring revulsion I feel for wasting 15+ years of my life with her.

The above statements don't quite marry up. It wasn't wasted time in the first sentence.

It sounds to me like you loved her- that's what you say. Then you say you feel recurring revulsion for wasting all that time with her. You also say you feel disgust or hate toward her.

Each attack felt like a mortal wound- it hurt you too much. Is it possible you have had to split her black yourself in order to cope with the unbearable pain losing this relationship has caused you/ is causing you? You did it to survive. Maybe you need to try to find your way back to some love. It might hurt but you might need to reconnect with it to let it go.

Just wondering if it's possible you haven't properly grieved.