I see his point- is this my own baggage or are my feelings valid?

[Peace4ME]

My boyfriend said something that hurt today.

He told me that if I was going to be bothered and upset by everything he did then he should just go find someone who loves him and accepts him for who he is.

I know he says this stuff because he can't handle my disappointment in him, feeling like he's always doing something wrong. He is doing stuff right too, and I praise him for that, but I know the negative sticks more. I guess I'm just torn. The stuff I get on his case about, I would expect someone to get upset with me if I were doing the same. (Marijuana abuse, and promising to quit over and over again).

Yesterday he went to a game with a friend of his that doesn't give me the warm and fuzzies. My bf always jokes about getting drunk, but never does around me. He claims he really can't and doesnt like alcohol and sometimes gets on my case for the amount I drink. I knew he would be drinking yesterday, I'm fine with that, but I didn't hear from him much during the day, even with a few texts from me. But... I tried to think of it like if I was out with my GFs or sis, would I be texting him all day? No, but I wouldn't respond with one word "yes" or "hi" when communicated with. Come to find out he got blackout drunk and barely remembers the game. When I heard that part this morning is when my demeanor changed. I already have some trust issues from my past(), , and things my bf has said, but getting blackout drunk isn't really funny to me. I would expect that if I got that drunk when I was out without him and not sleeping at home he would be worried about me and it would make him uncomfortable? I hope?

I dunno, I guess what I'm saying is does it sounds like I'm just being a Debbie Downer and turning his fun time into my insecurity? I didn't get mad and yell at him, he could just tell that I got uncomfortable and irritated, so I told him I didn't like the blackout drunk part. Now he's saying I have a problem with everything he does and he can't live like this. Ugh... I just wished he had some empathy for my FEELINGS. It doesn't mean he has to agree and say he was bad and wrong, I just want some validation too.   It starts to make me question my boundaries and if I just expect too much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

I just wished he had some empathy for my FEELINGS. It doesn't mean he has to agree and say he was bad and wrong, I just want some validation too.  

This sums it up well - a big big part of what it takes to survive in these relationships is weaning yourself off this need for empathy, validation, from your partner.  They are not capable of providing it.  (so it isnt even about desire... .  he couldnt provide this if he wanted to!).  Thats why its called a disorder.

Surround yourself with family and friends that CAN provide you empathy and validation. 

The issue of a partner going out drinking and smoking until blackout and not coming home is a boundary question.  You need to define what your boundaries are regarding this behavior.

[laelle]

Your feelings are valid... .  they are your feelings, and you feel the way you feel.  We all have emotional baggage.

I do see ALOT in your post about trying to control what he does.  Take a very long look at the things you wrote.

You cant make another a person do anything, you cant control what they do, you cant expect a BPD to react as a non does.  :)ucks cant bark, ya know.

You can;

You choose what you do, what choices you make,  how you let him affect you, and how you can change your perspective to make your relationship healthier and give yourself and him a break.

Marijuna use... .  I prefer when my boyfriend smokes his pipe.  He is calmer, and cant not physically rage.  Its medicine for him.

See, its a matter of perspective... .  your putting your beliefs on him.  You can choose to not be around him when he smokes.

I know you only care about him and are worried for his safety, but you need to worry less about him and what you expect him to do, and more about what you were doing while he was out with his unsavory friend.  :)id you spend the whole time worrying or did you do something that you liked to do?

Set some boundaries for yourself.  It helps you keep yourself regulated... .  

I will not hang around him when he smokes pot, I will not pay for his pot, I will not buy his liquor, I will not hang around his friend, it makes me feel uncomfortable.  Next time he goes out, look to your boundaries... .  did you break any of him?  No?  have a nice evening then and dont worry about anything unless those boundaries be stressed.  If he gets hurt, there is nothing that you can do about it worrying or taking care of yourself.  Your better able to take care of a crisis if you have been taking care of yourself.

Give yourself a break.  Learn to accept him as he is, but keep the boundaries you set for you.  you will be much happier, I promise.

[Peace4ME]

Surround yourself with family and friends that CAN provide you empathy and validation. 

This is one of those issues that I really can't share with many people... .  If I tell my family one more behavior like this I really can't see them supporting me staying in this relatioship. It's hard enough as it is. I can talk to my T about it, but she is pushing me to stop accepting certain behaviours and make decisions as well. I'm considering coming up with a ":) Day" for the pot smoking.

The issue of a partner going out drinking and smoking until blackout and not coming home is a boundary question.  You need to define what your boundaries are regarding this behavior.

I did know he wasn't coming home as the game was hours away- he stayed with the friend. It just gives me an uneasy feeling that he got that drunk. I want to ask him if that would bother him.  Plus, he spent a lot of $ on that game 

[Peace4ME]

I do see ALOT in your post about trying to control what he does.  Take a very long look at the things you wrote.

I know, I did get that feeling, but I tried very hard not to tell him he did something wrong, just that it made me uncomfortable. Just the same, I don't want to be controlling, but there are a lot of behaviours that are pushing my boundaries.

You can choose to not be around him when he smokes.

Not so much. We own a home together and he now smokes ALL the time. I'm can't leave the house 3-4 times a day, and purposefully avoiding him when he is high would cause ALL kinds of drama. It would more likely cause a breakup than him quitting.

Did you spend the whole time worrying or did you do something that you liked to do?

Nope, not at all. I loved my day alone! I made some food and went over to a friend's house to watch the game.

I do need to work on my boundaries, they are too vague. Right now they don’t affect the present, only the future. But the future just keeps getting further and further away At this point all I can do is tell him that after “this date” I will no longer be in a relationship with him if he smokes pot. Otherwise I’m just going to be waiting on his schedule.

The blackout drunk incident is a one-time thing so far with a friend from the past that he used to party with. I’m not thrilled about it and just wanted to be able to express my concern with him without being told I’m just controlling and a downer. There are so many things I could call him back. But I don’t.

[CodependentHusband]

Surround yourself with family and friends that CAN provide you empathy and validation. 

This is one of those issues that I really can't share with many people... .  If I tell my family one more behavior like this I really can't see them supporting me staying in this relatioship. It's hard enough as it is. I can talk to my T about it, but she is pushing me to stop accepting certain behaviours and make decisions as well. I'm considering coming up with a ":) Day" for the pot smoking.

Ouch! This situation is the pits. Sorry that this happened and it has been weighing so heavily on your mind.


I think that what yeeter was suggesting is not that your necessarily confide in your friends and family about what you are ruminating over, but, rather, just to spend time with friends and family. Don't discuss the details of your r/s with them... .  just be with them. Use it as an escape if you have to. A byproduct of that interaction is going to be that you will receive validation from them in many other ways (though not about this specific issue).

[yeeter]

I think that what yeeter was suggesting is not that your necessarily confide in your friends and family about what you are ruminating over, but, rather, just to spend time with friends and family. Don't discuss the details of your r/s with them... .  just be with them. Use it as an escape if you have to. A byproduct of that interaction is going to be that you will receive validation from them in many other ways (though not about this specific issue).

There is more than one way to get validation to help feel good about yourself.  If you get so hung up and focused on getting it from a specific source, then you are setting yourself up for very limited options.  And then when this specific source is fundamentally incapable of providing it, you effective have put yourself in a corner to where you cannot get what you need.

Instead give yourself options on how to get what you need.  Much better chance of receiving it.

And yes, I almost lost some good friends because they were tired of hearing about my woes.  The frustrating part to them was, that I was only complaining - and had went from victim to martyr  and wasnt taking any action to help myself.  I think if you face up to your situation and make a CHOICE on the course of action forward, that your family and friends will be very supportive of it.  You just have to be clear about it.  What people dont like though, is hearing the same old stuff over and over with no willingness to change/DO anything about it.

[Peace4ME]

I think if you face up to your situation and make a CHOICE on the course of action forward, that your family and friends will be very supportive of it.  You just have to be clear about it.  What people dont like though, is hearing the same old stuff over and over with no willingness to change/DO anything about it.

Agreed. No one likes to hear the same complaints over and over again. Which is why my bf is tired of seeing me sad or mad or pull away or complain every time he tells me he is going to quit smoking pot and then doesn't. Which gives me 2 options.

1. Radically accept that he is addicted to pot and has mixed feelings on it and may never quit smoking. This means I would have to revoke my bondary of not getting engaged or having kids with him when he is addicted and smoking multiples times a day because it might happen or it might not.

2. Stick with my boundary and enforce it by setting a date where I will no longer be in the relationship with him if he is still smoking pot, and wish to sell the house. I know ultimatums dont often work, but at this point I would rather things be done with him than be told week after week that this is "his last bag".

I know right now I choose 2. I just have to have the guts and self worth to enforce this boundary if the time comes.

[yeeter]

I just have to have the guts and self worth to enforce this boundary if the time comes.

Thats the hard part Peace.  Following through.  Too often we put a boundary down and then its crossed and we cave.  (guess what, wasnt really a boundary to begin with was it?).  And this is what keeps us 'stuck'.

Having children with someone with a drug problem, on top of a PD, sounds questionable... .  

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has an addiction to pot as well. From what I have figured out you are basically asking him to get rid of his coping mechanism. That is exactly what pot is and if you are trying to get him to give it up he is going to need something to replace it with. Whether it is therapy or a perscribed drug, he most likely isn't going to stop without major help from something else. I have seen my husband give up pot and he was a mess and tended to drink a lot more too. I have no problem with my husband smoking because I know the alternative. However, he is in a situation now he has to quit for legal reasons. He is still having a hard time with it and he is being threatened with his freedom being taken away. I just wanted you to see that it is a more of a mental addiction than it is a physical addiction. He did ask for meds, knowing he was going to need something to help him cope, he has also been in therpay for 8 months and it is helping, but he still has a long road ahead of him. I think your bf probably wants to quit, it's a lot harder than it sounds especially when that is what he uses to cope with life.

I also wanted to add that my husband pulled the same crap with me, going to a game and being utterly irrisponsible and after me sending him numerous texts and getting back one word texts, which almost irritated me even more than no text.  

[Peace4ME]

Hi Cloudy!

I do know that my boyfriend’s addiction is primarily mental and not physical. He is also in DBT and on antidepressants and mood stabilizers. I quit smoking cigarettes at the same time he told me he was going to stop smoking pot. He never did. I started back up again in November during a really stressful period and have recently quit again. I bet it’s even harder for him as he has an emotional attachment to it. But, I can’t wait forever, and I am not ok with it. His T has told him he needs to quit and that it is therapy inhibiting behavior. I feel for him when he is craving, but he is only hurting himself and me as he continues to do it, so me waiting forever is just enabling behavior I feel. It would be different if we were already married, but knowing what I know now things have to get better and stay better for us to move forward.

I agree about the texts!

[Peace4ME]

Having children with someone with a drug problem, on top of a PD, sounds questionable... .  

Agreed- it would be irresponisble on my part. And I have to back it up even further from there. If I know I want children, and it would not be responsible to have children when someone is addicted to pot, I should not get engaged to someone who has not shown that they can quit smoking pot. I cannot accept a promise that he will quit when we have kids. Why not before, for him/me/us?

[laelle]

Is there any reason in particular that he must give up smoking pot?  My ex husband smoked pot nearly every day of his life, had a stable job and was a great father.  What about a compromise... .  only smokes outside and less of it?

[Peace4ME]

Is there any reason in particular that he must give up smoking pot?  My ex husband smoked pot nearly every day of his life, had a stable job and was a great father.  What about a compromise... .  only smokes outside and less of it?

Because he has shown himself and me that he can barely go a day without it without being an emotional mess and caving and buying it again. He abuses it like an alcoholic abuses alcohol. He gets high before he goes to work in the morning. He gets high all evening long. When he isn't high he's compaining about wanting to get high. It's a drug, and he can't deal with or enjoy life without it. If he could only smoke a few times a week I might be ok with it, but I'm not sure about when we get to the point of having kids. He puts himself (and therefore his family) at risk every time he goes to his dealer's house to buy it and drives high.

[Cloudy Days]

My husbands Therapist told him to stop smoking as well, I think he is at a point where showing up is the most important thing though. I also wanted to say when I met my husband he actually didn't smoke pot, he didn't smoke until after we got married but he did tell me before we got married that he used to smoke pot regularly but stopped in order to obtain a job. All I knew is that he didn't smoke when I married him. So just know that it is something that he may pick up again easily even if he does show you he was able to quit. I'm sure you have thought of that too though. I know you are trying to make the hard choice on whether to set a date for him to quit or to leave. What happens if you marry him and he starts up again? Just something to think about.

I must also add that my husband pretty much goes nuts 2-4 days after he stops smoking pot. Then he will start to normalize and be a little more stable. I have smoked regularly before and when I quit the next day my anxiety skyrockets badly. I don't have BPD and can handle it a little better. He has to stop for a few days, the first few are the absolute hardest to say no because saying yes would make that anxiety go away immediatly. That's why it is so hard for him. The anxiety for me is terrible so I can only imagine what goes through my husbands mind when he quits. Beleive it or not, supposidly today is quitting day for my husband. I'm pretty nervous about it. I really hope he succeds this time.

[Peace4ME]

Beleive it or not, supposidly today is quitting day for my husband. I'm pretty nervous about it. I really hope he succeds this time.

That's ironic. Well I wish both of you the best, even though it doesn't seem to be something he neccessarily wants. 

I know there will be some tough days if my pwBPD does follow through with quitting. He's made it up to 2 weeks once when we were together. I do realize that this makes it likely stressful events in life will trigger him to pick it back up, even if he does quit. I can understand that from smoking cigs. I don't want to make ignorant choices but I also dont want to punish someone for something that hasn't happened. But if he can't quit smoking in almost a year of trying I should probably start to take the hint. Either he really can't without serious help or he's calling my bluff to see how long I will give him before calling it quits.

[Cloudy Days]

I think part of him wants to, I think part of him wants to quit smoking cigs too. But that doesn't mean it will ever happen. He is bascially being forced to quit this time, I don't have any doubt in my mind that he will eventually start back up again even if he does stop this time. He hates taking mental pills. He's had so many problems with them in the past and trying to get them right. That's why he started pot in the first place, to stop the pills. Exchange one thing for the other.