Concerned for young adult daughter

[lphoch]

Looking for insight and just to know I am not alone

- my 19 year old daughter has traits/behaviors, etc that lead me to think she may have a personality disorder. I have noticed many of these traits at different times and in different severity/situtations since late childhood- but everything seems to have come to a head, rather like a manic episode that never ends, over the last few months.

~She has been accepted to 3 colleges and she is in a full panic to move out, so she is living at home, taking some classes. She can never be alone and has panic attacks and depression. She was put on meds by her doctor but she abused them. She cant/wont keep a job.

~We would be fine with her living at home, but honestly she is very hard to be around. She is negative about everything and everyone. She is envious of everyone. She has trouble with empathy unless is a stranger and even then, is only empathic if it is an elderly person or very young child. Honestly - even that is questionable.

~She cant make a decision and is usually angry with others for not giving her the feedback she wants when she is trying to make a decision. When she is frustrated or angry, she is so ugly to talk to. I love this girl so much and she is miserable to be with.

~She is jealous of her siblings that are all at college. If she is not the center of attention she will become moody, irritable and begin to criticize, or withdrawn as if she has been hurt.

She is right now in an absolute panic because her boyfriend that she is trying to force to marry her is breaking up with her. He is going to the military and doesnt want to be married at 19. She is frantically trying to find a way to go with him or convince him to change his mind. This goes beyond any norm... .she isnt making any sense and her ideas are not logical or making any sense. She is so desperate I am afraid to leave her alone. She says repeatedly she gave up her life for her boyfriend and now hes leaving - but he never asked her for anything and he is all she wanted. She never gave up anything. She has no identity without him.

~She has few friendships - one really, and she damages that one by not allowing her friend to have other friends. She tries to control everyone, overpower them with her thoughts. It is like being held hostage rather than having a friend.

~She is drinking on occasion, blacking out, taking some drugs. Although not often- that is my guess because she is practically sitting on top of me most of the time due to her need for company, so I know what she is doing. When she has drank, she has been hurt - taken bad advantage of and she is dealing with that trauma. She also binge eats or doesnt eat at all.

~She has lost her license for several months for two excessive speeding tickets and being at fault in an accident -completely totalling my car.

~She is a size 00, at 19, and is stunning, creative, capable an honor role student. One teacher told me that she is "the total package" - yet she thinks she is fat, ugly, not good enough. She said she feels like she is "never the shiny quarter."  :'(  She, on the other hand, dislikes herself. She has no idea who she is, who she wants to be.

I could list other dangerous behaviors, but honestly I do not want to write about them online.

I dont know what to do - feeling like a horrible mother, but I get it - maybe it is partly genetic, and I know I didnt do everything right, but it doesnt do any good to blame myself. Hoping to have an assessment done in the next couple weeks.

Where do I find the right person for her to see? The right program? Do I push her to go to school? I feel crazy and I want to help her so badly. And I am afraid for her and her future... .and sometimes for those she "loves".

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Iphoch

Your daughter sounds like she may have BPD, although only a trained professional can diagnose this with certainty.  Is she amenable to getting help?  That is the hardest thing for pwBPD to do... .to recognize they are seriously ill.  Instead, they blame everyone and anyone for all of their problems.  They are fine... .everyone else is sick.  This is typical BPD behavior.  They are indeed very difficult to be around, as you said.  We love hem, but it is impossible to like them some days.

Since your dd is 19, she will need to cooperate to get help.  If she says "no" legally she cannot be forced into treatment unless she is suicidal or a danger to others which is a huge problem for parents.   

There are so many people on this site struggling with the exact same problems you are.  We come here seeking others who actually understand this disorder.  Outsiders rarely see what we see and experience, because pwBPD are very good at hiding their illness from others.  Their rages, and other negative behaviors are usually directed at those closest to them. 

Bpd is a brain disorder.  It is very complex and serious. People suffering from it struggle to maintain relationships due to the inability to control  their emotions, and their perceptions are different from "normal" people. People from all over the world and all kinds of environments have this disorder, and their symptoms are identical, regardless of the surroundings they were raised in. 

There are many wonderful educational materials here along with guidelines for dealing with pwBPD i.e. ways to interact with them that do not trigger their disorder.  If you have not read up on BPD, I know you will find the resources very helpful, and the support here is life-changing.

We are so glad you have found BPDF and we welcome you with open arms.  You will find compassionate, caring people here who understand this mental illness and offer sound advice.  Please keep posting.  We really want to help.

You are definitely NOT alone.

[SlyQQ]

Perhaps one thing at a time the impending break up with her boyfriend could be quite perilous It is likely she will find a replacement soon ( this is what would happen with my SD 18 who I look after much same description as your daughter except she melted down an couldnt finish high school ) but there might be a lot of dangerous situations before then and this could be a very important step in placing her on a stable path. But until the boyfriend has left for a while or there is someone new she might be best at home though her moving out in the medium term with support may well be good for her

[qcarolr]

Iphoch -    Welcome to our group.

There is a lot going on with your DD here. I do hope you can get a good evaluation done soon.  If you can find someone experienced with personality disorders and maybe eating disorders that might be helpful. Will she cooperate with this? Will she allow you to be a part of this by signing a release so you can communicate with the therapist? Another option is to ask your D if she will let you join her to listen to the results of the testing. My DD28 has often given limited permission for contact with her therapists and doctors. Then there are times not so much. From my experiences with my BPDDD28, involvement of family can be a crucial part for success. Sometimes this is hard for our BPDkids to accept - especially if they believe that others are responsible for all their troubles. It is a fine balance.

There is a lot of good information about tools you can put into practice in your relationship with your D. There are some good videos and books as well found under the link "Foundation Reading" to the right. Videos really help when getting started.

How are you taking care of yourself? Do you have a counselor or therapist for yourself? Friends or family - one or two is enough? Do you have a spouse? Where is he at in this chaos? Putting all my energy into my DD can leave little for anyone else - most especially me. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then you will be awake to give care to your loved one.

So many of us have struggled through the guilt of our impact on our kids development. I agree, BPD is very complex and individual. Yes, I made many mistakes with my DD from day one. I also am now able to accept that I did the best I could with the information available at that time. Building a support network for myself over the past couple years has shifted my relationship with my DD into a much better place. She is still who she is. She still makes choices that I would never make and suffers for them. I realize I do not need to suffer her consequences with her. As I become healthier in all ways I can let go of what belongs to her. This is really painful for me when the consequences are painful for her. I am learning how to manage this pain and continue to love my DD wholeheartedly.

There is nothing she can do that will lessen my love for her -- I have told her this in those moments of self-reflection recently. I will always be an advocate for her -- seeking out the resources for issues when she needs this help. Once she is connected, I have to make myself step back and leave the outcome to her. With my own control needs, this has been a hard lesson to put into practice.

Please come back and let us know how things are going. We get it. We care.

qcr