Am I the bad Guy?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I posted to this group the first time last night.  The journey has began.  I been married almost ten years to a woman who I would honestly put up against any woman when it comes down to cooking, and being crafty.  She is a seamstress and can make anyone on here and entire wardrobe.  Food... .  outstanding!  And then there is the sex.  2-3 times a day at 32.  Love it.

But there those little things that are missing.  Stability and trust.  Two years ago I left after a huge manic rage blow up.  I moved back after about three months.  I came back because she honestly was better.  For the most part up until last Aug was.  Then there was a break in the system. She took about $900 which I had hidden.  She knew where the money was but did not have a key.  I would hide such key and she actively seeked out same.  Not once... .  but numerous times.  $10 here and $20 there.  All for stupid little things that if she had asked I would have likely been able to give her money for.  When confronted about it she LIED.  Blamed the kids.  Went into a classic Bi polar panic.   A few days later I then discovered she had overdrawn her bank account and failed to take care of the problem.  This resulted in the bank sending a claim to collections.  A $5 overdraft turned into $265.  Again I was lied to as to why it happened.   

We have been going to counseling.  The third meeting will be Friday.  I feel as if its gone nowhere so far.  I do not like to spend time with her because she has nothing to talk about but "internet friends".  If not them than its the gossip of real people.  And its repetitive nonsense I could care less about.  We cant go on a date without her getting on her phone to use a point / reward program which earns her gift cards after hours of use.  If we do have conversation... .  its about our kids.  Never about US and our FUTURE and new DREAMS.

I was told by the counselor to work on communicating with her.  So I tried a conversation... .  I was interrupted three times to be told about $0.69 granola bars.  Another time I talked to her about how people... .  real... .  people live life.  You WORK... .  You pay bills and debt... .  You save... .  You buy things with the money you SAVED!  Her parents did not do this.  Her father will never retire as he supports her mother who shops and spends non-stop.  My wife's response was... .  "well I am no used to your way of life... .  and its going to take me a little while to get used to that"

SO am I the bad guy for having had enough of this mentality for ten years?

Should I support the Bi-Polar disease?  My Dad did not walk out on my Mom when he found out she was a Diabetic.

[Lost_husband]

So I posted to this group the first time last night.  The journey has began.  I been married almost ten years to a woman who I would honestly put up against any woman when it comes down to cooking, and being crafty.  She is a seamstress and can make anyone on here and entire wardrobe.  Food... .  outstanding!  And then there is the sex.  2-3 times a day at 32.  Love it.

But there those little things that are missing.  Stability and trust.  Two years ago I left after a huge manic rage blow up.  I moved back after about three months.  I came back because she honestly was better.  For the most part up until last Aug was.  Then there was a break in the system. She took about $900 which I had hidden.  She knew where the money was but did not have a key.  I would hide such key and she actively seeked out same.  Not once... .  but numerous times.  $10 here and $20 there.  All for stupid little things that if she had asked I would have likely been able to give her money for.  When confronted about it she LIED.  Blamed the kids.  Went into a classic Bi polar panic.   A few days later I then discovered she had overdrawn her bank account and failed to take care of the problem.  This resulted in the bank sending a claim to collections.  A $5 overdraft turned into $265.  Again I was lied to as to why it happened.   

We have been going to counseling.  The third meeting will be Friday.  I feel as if its gone nowhere so far.  I do not like to spend time with her because she has nothing to talk about but "internet friends".  If not them than its the gossip of real people.  And its repetitive nonsense I could care less about.  We cant go on a date without her getting on her phone to use a point / reward program which earns her gift cards after hours of use.  If we do have conversation... .  its about our kids.  Never about US and our FUTURE and new DREAMS.

I was told by the counselor to work on communicating with her.  So I tried a conversation... .  I was interrupted three times to be told about $0.69 granola bars.  Another time I talked to her about how people... .  real... .  people live life.  You WORK... .  You pay bills and debt... .  You save... .  You buy things with the money you SAVED!  Her parents did not do this.  Her father will never retire as he supports her mother who shops and spends non-stop.  My wife's response was... .  "well I am no used to your way of life... .  and its going to take me a little while to get used to that"

SO am I the bad guy for having had enough of this mentality for ten years?

Should I support the Bi-Polar disease?  My Dad did not walk out on my Mom when he found out she was a Diabetic.

[Gaslit]

Do you mean Borderline?

[Lost_husband]

Do you mean Borderline?

Borderline... .  Or Bi-Polar.  She has been diagnosed as Bi-Polar but has all the traits of Borderline too.  We do not have much around here in the way of good Phycological doctors.  So thats what we got. 

[tuum est61]

L_H,

No. You aren't the bad guy - although we hardly know you - you could be.  

What you are is suffering from a lot of difficult behavior on the part of your wife - whatever it actually is.  Your responses in dealing with it aren't working.  

First, its good you left the "manic blow up".  A boundary around abusive or violent behavior is paramount. Since you stayed away three months, it's likely she adjusted her behavior due to the fear of being abandoned - and that seems to have lasted over a year.  Thats kind of a positive thing - thats a long time without trouble - and gives cause for optimism - unless you aren't reporting some other less major things that took place.  

Re the finances - you need to set some boundaries around that which limit confrontation -  separate accounts - although you may already have done that? Let her look after her own overdraft.  :)on't keep money where she can get at it.  She has no boundaries - it sounds like her parents werent/arent a good model - you have to establish yours - and in a way you may not have expected.  That is the thing about living with a pwBPD - we have to adjust our expectations.  While my W never "took" my money, she would spend ours out of our joint accounts or drag me into spending ours.  Separate accounts has helped a lot.  I resisted a long time based on my "expectations".  

Re the expectations about plannimg for the future, sharing dreams, etc - you will have to adjust your expectations as well.  That's intimacy  - and pwBPD are scared of that. My uBPDw has a similar reluctance - but she has to be the most compassionate and interested person in the world when it comes to the affairs - particularly the problems - of others.  Go figure.  

Do enjoy the cooking, the craftiness, and especially the sex - but do set some boundaries - actions YOU take - not requirements or complaints about her - on things which you value - like a balanced bank account.  

Re your mother, BPD IS unlike most other diseases, in that the person with it often denies having it, and doesn't accept the impact it has on others - among other things.  So for you to stay healthy, you will need to look at and do things a little differently than your Dad did re your mothers diabetes.  

[Lost_husband]

   Thanks for the response buddy.  I sorta already knew the answers but needed to hear it.  I did make her handle the overdraft on her own.  She paid it off with her "allowance".  She however can not keep one penny in the bank. 

    You say have boundaries... .    I am tired of that.  Since last Aug. when she took over $900 in savings from a locked box... .  which she had to actively and aggressively seek the keys to.  Since then I have to lock my money clip and wallet in a lock box on my dresser, and made a special room that only I have the keys to.  This room also serves to lock up reloading and gun stuff from my kids.  But the fact is I feel like a jailer walking around my own house with a set of keys. 

   She has had one tiny little RAGE moment.  It was the death scream I feared so much.  I used to be afraid to sleep sometimes.  She broke a jar of chille she just canned.  And then that was it.  But she has walked away a bunch of times too.  Which is better than the in your face like before. 

    Yes I know you have to adjust on the future and dreams stuff.  But just the other day she was telling a friend of ours about how I want this huge garage filled with cars.  Not true.  I just want a nice garage and a nice old car.  Or two... .  . 

    Since I called her out on this and started counseling she has started the "kiss ass" phase.  The entire house has been gone threw for items we no longer need.  She has sold off tons of "stuff" I never knew we had or she threw it out.  The house is spotless, she is up on time with the kids in the morning, going to Zumba now, and is acting as a normal person.  But its starting to slip.  Counseling resets her every week.  I just know if I say "okay" lets get back to life... .  it will all stop. 

    Prior to this she was constantly online in a groups talking about how great of a homemaker and seamstress she is.  Also there were these online programs to earn points and gift cards.  She slowed down on them.  But we would go out to dinner and this stupid video point earning thing would be running on her phone.  Really... .  we finally get to go out and you want to do that?

    Sex... .  How can anyone shake their little ass at you and tell you they love you and everything is alright... .  meanwhile be sneaking behind your back.  Thats a hang up I have too.  Another is exaggerations to her friend.  I talk to her friend more regularly than my wife does now.  I get some of the feed back of the embellished stories.  Thats how her and I began talking... .  it was a misunderstanding placed there by my wife... .  it lead to "hey... .  did you say or do this". 

   Still LOST!