Technology and Communication...

[ExtraMom]

A concern I have been having lately is how technology is going to increasingly play a role in attempts to shield Girl9 from her mother's (BPDx's) BPD behavior and attempts to poison her against her father (GoodDad).

Girl9 has a very carefully monitored Facebook account, which her mother had demanded when she moved out of state (she has since returned). This didn't stop her mother from "hacking" her Facebook a few months ago when Girl9 logged on at her mother's during visit and forgot to log out. BPDx took the opportunity to use her daughter's account to write profanity-laden rants all over GoodDad's wall. Since that incident and others, out of necessity, Girl9 is no longer allowed to know her own passwords and must have GoodDad or me log her into Facebook or any online games. I find this to be an acceptable solution, considering her age and the fact that she is technically too young for her own Facebook anyway.

However, as she grows older, she will be wanting (and needing) increased responsibility. Her mother will surely be egging her on to create secret online accounts that BPDx can use to communicate with her without any supervision. And I am almost certain that Girl9 will do it, if her mother asks her to. This is especially concerning considering BPDx is married to a convicted child molester.

Many of Girl9's friends even have cell phones... .  even iPhones. I find this ridiculous, but Girl9 has already begun asking about these things.

What advice does anyone have as far as how to deal with this as it will surely become more of an issue in the future? We don't want to keep her completely isolated from the world.

How about some things that might work as far as teaching her the coping skills she will need to avoid the temptations and lies from BPDx and her family? Any ideas? I really strongly suspect that she will eventually go behind her dad's back to communicate with her mother. Girl9 has anger issues and I have nightmares of her getting mad at her father and running off to her mother when she's a bit older. ("He grounded you? Why, I would NEVER ground you!"

I KNOW that this is going to be a problem. What works?

[Matt]

Does she live with you most of the time?

I let my kids get Facebook pages when they were old enough, but not before.  If you let her have a Facebook page before she is old enough, you are teaching her to lie about her age.  I would close that account and tell her no Facebook til she is old enough, based on Facebook's rules.

There are other social media sites for kids (but none I know of that are very popular).

When my kids got their Facebook pages, the rule was they had to friend me so I can see their pages.  I rarely post anything to them or comment, but I do look at their pages and see what's going on there.

I gave them phones when they were 8 and 10, and established rules for the phones too.  That has worked out very well.  I can reach them when I need to, and they can reach me.  A couple times, one of them lost their phone, and I haven't replaced the phone right away, so they will experience some consequences for losing it.

About her mother's husband, I think you can probably get a court order to keep him away from the child.  I would not let her be around him unless you're sure he is OK now.  By marrying him, her mother has shown her priorities;  she cares more about him than about her daughter.  Her choice.

[tog]

In our case, BPDmom has a firm stranglehold on all technology. She purchased SS a phone and she monitors it. He is allowed access but gets disapproval if he calls/texts his father without her explicit permission, so we never hear from him. 80% of the time he "forgets" or "loses" his phone so he never has it when he comes to our place. He has an iPad for his private school, only she has the password (and him) and we are sure she monitors all of his communications with anyone on there. She communicates with him that way.  He doesn't care for Facebook yet, so that's not an issue.

SO has opted to let this go for now as fighting it has gotten him nowhere, with the exception of us buying him a phone for our place (but it's not "his" phone, it's the "house phone", so he can't take it to her place so she can lose it). He's 13 and we see that her micromanaging of his life is starting to push him towards us, because we let him have age-appropriate independence. He's a good kid and is not doing anything inappropriate with technology. He should have the right to some privacy when talking to his friends.

In your case, you have full custody and should monitor it all until she's older. At that point, you will be unable to control it and she will have to make her own decisions about how she deals with her mother.

[Thunderstruck]

I'm scared for the day when SO's D8 goes on to facebook. She doesn't need to log on and see her uBPDmom's profile pictures of herself in a bra trying to "show off" for the world. And what are her little elementary school friends going to say? They'll tease her mercilessly. ::sigh::

But anyway... .  that's just my thing.

It sounds like you have a lot of worry but so far you're doing everything ok. I'm sure Girl9's mom is going to ask her to create secret accounts, and she might even give in and do it. I think the best thing is to be as honest and open with her as you can. If she does create an account or if you feel she's hiding things, have a conversation about why you are concerned. If she feels the need to talk to her mother more often or more unrestricted then try to find a way to allow that so it fits in with what is appropriate for your situation. That'd probably be the driving force behind her wanting to go behind your backs anyway.

[SayWha?]

If she lives with you consider keylogging software to monitor internet usage. It's up to you to tell her about the software or not. There may also be available good parental monitoring software. We will use this as well as keylogging software once SS is of the internet age. I wish it didn't have to be that way but even now I have to sit in the same room as SS when he is on the phone with Mom because of the things she says and does when he is with us. I can't counteract what I don't know about. Lucky for us SS will only talk on speaker phone.