Just keeps pushing.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So yesterday I was on staying, today I'm on undecided. I picked her up today from her house and I was double parked. The first thing she said when getting up to the car was

"Why the      are you double parked, I thought I told you to park normally."

I just looked at her and said "get your ___" so she could get her things and get in the car. I wasn't going to explain myself to her.

Later she starts complaining about her father, saying he was being passive aggressive and I just said "I don't know, maybe he just didn't want to bother with an argument."

To which she responded with things like "you disgust me when it comes to my family, don't presume to know anything about it." I just sat there and decided not to deal with it. I said "sure."

She's with me right now because I have to bring her to housing authority to look for a place because her folks are kicking her out. With the way she treats me, I am almost starting to sympathize with them.

On top of that she texts constantly when we're hanging out. Of course it's some guy friend of hers who's "so in love with her." Just some orbiter idiot who has it in his head that I'm just not good enough for her. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm gonna help her with the housing thing, bring her back home and I don't know after that. I think she should go back to therapy immediately. I also think her rude behavior and all that texting garbage she does had better stop too.

I hate to say it, I TRULY HATE to say it, but I feel like she is just getting in my way. I am going to school, and trying to improve my life (lifting weights, taking classes, etc.)

I WANT to work out on the weekends too, but I have to see her. But lately it feels like being around her isn't worth the thing I'm giving up. I come to see her only for her to text this guy. She doesn't do it the whole time I'm there, but it happens enough that it bothers me.

Does anyone feel like their BPDSO is holding them back? Like time spent with them is time better spent doing something else sometimes?

[Vatz]

So yesterday I was on staying, today I'm on undecided. I picked her up today from her house and I was double parked. The first thing she said when getting up to the car was

"Why the      are you double parked, I thought I told you to park normally."

I just looked at her and said "get your ___" so she could get her things and get in the car. I wasn't going to explain myself to her.

Later she starts complaining about her father, saying he was being passive aggressive and I just said "I don't know, maybe he just didn't want to bother with an argument."

To which she responded with things like "you disgust me when it comes to my family, don't presume to know anything about it." I just sat there and decided not to deal with it. I said "sure."

She's with me right now because I have to bring her to housing authority to look for a place because her folks are kicking her out. With the way she treats me, I am almost starting to sympathize with them.

On top of that she texts constantly when we're hanging out. Of course it's some guy friend of hers who's "so in love with her." Just some orbiter idiot who has it in his head that I'm just not good enough for her. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm gonna help her with the housing thing, bring her back home and I don't know after that. I think she should go back to therapy immediately. I also think her rude behavior and all that texting garbage she does had better stop too.

I hate to say it, I TRULY HATE to say it, but I feel like she is just getting in my way. I am going to school, and trying to improve my life (lifting weights, taking classes, etc.)

I WANT to work out on the weekends too, but I have to see her. But lately it feels like being around her isn't worth the thing I'm giving up. I come to see her only for her to text this guy. She doesn't do it the whole time I'm there, but it happens enough that it bothers me.

Does anyone feel like their BPDSO is holding them back? Like time spent with them is time better spent doing something else sometimes?

[morningagain]

Vatz,

What I hear you describing is you letting her trample healthy boundaries.  Is this how you see it?

I ended up wanting to change my name to doormat because towards the end I am not sure I could have thought up a boundary she had not trampled.

MUCH easier for me to advise than to do, but nevertheless, my advice would be to calmly tell her that her texting this guy is disrespectful in your ethos, and regardless, you are choosing not to accept it.  This is not what you want in a relationship.  That you have made your choice, and now she can make hers.  You care about her, AND you need to stand firmly on your own values.

And be ready for an outburst, perhaps a rage, perhaps an "extinction burst".  What I encountered included arguments describing how my values are misguided, short sighted, ignorant, selfish, hurtful to her, that I was being immature and insensitive, paranoid, and insecure.  (at least that is some of what I encountered)  If I had to do it over, I would choose to not react, to not allow my escalated emotions to control my behavior.  Even better to detach emotionally from her emotions, face and accept fears I may have (whether they be fear of her raging, or pressuring, or running off with another man, or whatever they might be) and be ready for the consequences.

The consequence may be that she leaves.  That was my huge fear.  The ultimate consequence for me not taking a stand was to repeat over and over until I become a doormat, emotionally dysregulated, depressed, enmeshed, traumatized, financially devastated, trampling my own values, and hurting many people.

It would be a rational argument that she held me back.  People do influence others.  However, it is more the case that I held myself back by increasingly choosing to assuage my fears at the expense of my values.

[Clearmind]

Vatz, while she's pushing, you are pushing back and counter attacking which is adding fuel to the fire.

200 posts and have been on staying where the motto is nothing changes without change! - what lessons have you learnt over there to help you or do you feel you are just spent?

[Vatz]

Vatz, while she's pushing, you are pushing back and counter attacking which is adding fuel to the fire.

200 posts and have been on staying where the motto is nothing changes without change! - what lessons have you learnt over there to help you or do you feel you are just spent?

Where am I pushing back and counter-attacking? Is it where I say something like "Get your stuff" after her being rude?

Maybe, but I guess you can say it's hard not to. After a while, you get tired of being pushed. It's like after a while, you don't want to just let the other person talk to you in certain ways. You feel like you're sitting there cowering while they're giving you the business.

Eventually you just want to be rude back to them because otherwise you just get angry at yourself for just taking it like a coward. By "you", I mean *ME* (I know that other people may not feel exactly as I do.)

So what should I do when she acts that way?

I don't know, dude. To tell you the truth, this whole thing has me feeling stuck. You know? I don't want her gone, but I'm getting tired and it's been almost three years. She talks about our three years with such pride but the last year was just horrible. It's not how many years, it's how good those years are. For her they were GREAT, three emotional affairs (not all at once) and a boyfriend to go back home to. Oh yeah, the three years have been good to her, alright.

That last bit was a lot of anger and resentment. I know it's not the right attitude, but it had to be said. The feeling is there. But worse is that she resents me for not wanting to just go ahead and move in with her.

Something tells me that all relationships with borderlines are fundamentally unfair. Any sense of fairness is just impossible to achieve no matter what one does.

Anyway, does anyone else sometimes go days or even weeks feeling scatterbrained from all the instability in the relationship?

[Clearmind]

Vatz, I know all too well how hard it is! It’s OK to be frustrated and angry – these are your emotions. It can also cause us to maybe not respond in the most compassionate way- so be it – we can learn ways to cope with their outbursts and blame – responding but not reacting is the way to go – hard to do all the time.

There is certainly an essence of inequality and much of the mature work needs to come from us.

I spent my entire relationship feeling like the world was spinning around me! We loose ourselves. Best bet is to start to regain your physical and emotional independence. Build your support network and socialise with friends who are stable and can provide support.

To stay requires some acceptance of or partners as being ill. Once we accept we can be detached from the onslaught of blame etc.

Where to from here is up to you! Where to from here with your own healing?

[Somewhere]

VATZ!

My Man!

Sounds like you are getting sick of this sheet before it gets too deep!

OUTSTANDING.

Proud of you, kid.