Is anyone like me?

[ontherox]

So happy for you and your dd. Sounds like some great first steps. Good luck! 

BTW, we had to get our dd a GPS for the car, she had trouble just finding her way out of the neighborhood.  Even she laughed about how bad she was with directions. (Though I know it frustrated her.)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

 

How wonderfull Kellygirl

[vivekananda]

Kelly girl what good news, you must feel relieved. I would expect you might be a little apprehensive too in case something goes wrong. Just remember to use your validation skills and remind her that she has oversome difficult things before. You know what to do.

Isn't it good to feel proud of our young men and women - employee of the week is a good thing 

You have strengths to build on here, keep up the good work!

By the by, my situation is unchanged. dd331 is still n/c, sent her a text yesterday saying 'hope you are ok' and 'I love you' - no response of course.

Vivek  

[linusham]

kellygirl. Not a mom but my uBPDsis is nearing forty and never finished any school or college years. Dropped out of everything. Lives on welfare and hasn't ever held down a job for more than a few months. Has no friends at all and does nothing but sit in her house. She has uBPD as well as eating disorder issues, depression, ocd and many phobias. Our mom is absolutely exhausted from a lifetime of this. My sis is very low functioning in nearly every way. yet won't get help. Won't admit she is ill in any way at all and is extremely abusive at times. Including being physically violent.

[linusham]

Hey kellygirl - sorry just saw your update. That is great news! 

[kellygirl601]

UPDATE-

Thanks to all of you for the encouragement.  Since my daughter's job was temporary, it is now over and Im so proud of her for finishing what she started.  The driving thing was going well, until a a week ago when she drove up on a median and took out a crosswalk sign.  Thankfully no one was hurt.  She got a $200 ticket for failure to control and the car was damaged.  We spent $900 to get car fixed and chalked it up to being a young driver thinking plenty of kids have accidents when they first start driving.  Well, a week later she ran off the highway and took out one of those huge light poles.  Thankfully it fell away from the road and fell in the grass.  Now what?  We dont know what to do.  We cant afford to keep fixing this car.  At the same time the driving gave her such freedom and confidence.  Now she says she is a worthless piece of crap.  I am so tired of not ever being able to be upset cos she may want to kill her self.  Do you know what I mean?  Her Dad and I are so upset.  We know she didnt do it on purpose, so what should our actions be?  I dont even know where to begin.

[qcarolr]

Kelleygirl - CARS!    My DD waited til she was almost 18 to get her license. Think it was just too scary for her. Then she put 1000 miles a week on the old car we let her drive. Minor fender benders, mostly in parking lots. I was terrified! She called driving around her 'anti-depressant'. She once shared with me that she would sit and listen to the radio when things seemed too hard for her -- as she was most likely skipping school! She is very intelligent, but due to a learning disability school was always so hard for her. She never graduated high school and the few jobs have not worked out for her - panic attack, then she walks away. I realize now she was putting all she could into it, just did not have a fit that could work for her.

Are there ways you can help your D focus on the success she felt in the temp. job? How this is a good start toward the next opportunity? Is she still partidipating in her DBT?

Hard to find ways to let our kids be accountable with cars that we are paying for. And it so gives me my life back in many ways to no longer be the driver. Did your D take a driver training class? Would a refresher help her now? Can she discern what is going on when she runs off the road - disctrated thinking, using cell phone, changing stations on radio, talking to a friend,etc.? Maybe the focus can be on helping her figure out some small change she can make to prevent this in the future. Can you help her with this process with validating questions?

The process has gotten better between my DD26 and I, though it took lots of changes in how I talked and listened. Thanks for the update, let us know how things are going.

qcr

[kellygirl601]

qcarolr-

dd is almost 20 and just recently got her license.  She did take drivers ed and seemed to do well at first.  Both times she was alone.  Both times its like she panicked and veered off the road.  I too know the freedom I feel by not having to take her everywhere.  I just feel like this is going to be a downward spiral now.

[qcarolr]

Now what?  We dont know what to do.  We cant afford to keep fixing this car.  At the same time the driving gave her such freedom and confidence.  Now she says she is a worthless piece of crap.  I am so tired of not ever being able to be upset cos she may want to kill her self.  Do you know what I mean?  Her Dad and I are so upset.  We know she didnt do it on purpose, so what should our actions be?  I dont even know where to begin.

You can be calm, centered and validate how scary it is to have this accident - how frightended you would feel. It is OK to share, in a calm empathic way how scary this is for you because you love her so much. Let her know you are there when she is ready to talk more about her feelings about the accident. Let her know you have confidence that she can gain more confidence as a driver. Maybe she can go back to driving when you are with her - let her drive when you are taking her anywhere. Show your faith in her ability to try again. We get endless do-over's.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers for guidance and courage.

qcr

[vivekananda]

Hey Kelly girl,

I always try to find a middle way... .this is the one for here:

How about you say, 'let's take a break from driving for a week (2, more). Then when the time's up, we can go for a drive somewhere nice, just a short 10 minute drive (maybe 20) and we can see how it feels then'. You do the drive, get out have a coffee, enjoy the scenery, whatever - but get out of the car after those minutes. That is non pressure driving when you are not feeling an imperative of having to get somewhere in a time frame, but driving with a pleasurable experience at the end.

If it works, it can be repeated with a longer drive etc. The important thing is to take the 'imperative' out of it, ie I have to be somewherre in 5 minutes, sort of idea.

Just a thought,

cheers,

Vivek  

[kellygirl601]

The truth is, I'm scared to death to let her behind the wheel :'(

I'm so tired and feel like we are back to square one where she is home overwhelming me about has depressed she is and I'm upset because I can't do a thing about it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Would she be willing to take a defensive driving class... .one of those where you do it in 2 hours and get a crummy dinner?

[kellygirl601]

I thought about that.  I looked them up online.  Right now she is so depressed, she won't think about anything.  I just can't take it when she is like this.  I havent seen her like this in a long time.

[lbjnltx]

This too shall pass... .what can you do/what opportunity can you create to redirect her?

[Esperança_Hope]

Kelly,

I can understand your fear, disappointment and frustration.

My DS 31 since he was 18 years crashed, more or less, eight cars and two motorcycles. A lot of penalties for DUI,  and had his drive license suspended twice. So, last June he had a huge motorcycle crash.

It´s hard. Every car crash he told me : Again! why I did not die? Again? I wish I had died.

We know, DS is different to you DD. But htey are all the same too.

DS31 always told me the speed good sensation listening to music in a highway... .and all the time he got very depressed.

So, my heart goes out to you.

Ibj, said wise words. What you can do next? Don´t get yourself stuck. I know it is tough but you need to move .

I´ll be here.



Esperança 

[qcarolr]

Kellygirl - I want to share some wisdom my gd7 gave to me last night as we sat in her dark room waiting for sleep to come for her. This is a difficult transistion time for her, the hardest of her day. I thought maybe this would speak to lbj's comment to find a distraction, any distraction or action, for you D.

She [gd7] is so tuned to her own feelings. I went to work today 4 hours and she had a movie day with her mom. She saw a preview of 'What's eating Gilbert Grape' that showed his depressed, morbidly obese mom. She asked how she got so fat. I said something happened (I have never seen beginning of movie, and this was a preview) that made her feel really sad, so she just sat on the couch and ate. "Why" asked gd. Well eating helped her feel better for a moment, then she was sad again so she ate again, then felt better, the felt sad and ate again. She loved her kids, but felt so sad she could not take care of them. It was sad for them too to take care of each other and see their mom so sad and unhealthy. "Well, that must be a pattern for her then" says this wise 7 year old. "She needs to do something different to change her pattern". So we decided when she first got sad she needed to decide to take a walk instead of eating. Then I asked gd what she did when she felt really sad. "I go outside and play ball with the dogs, or play with my toys on the patio table ... .

There is always hope when there is breath. You are there for your D even in your pain and frustration. Let us know how things are going - we care.  

qcr

[kellygirl601]

I have not been here for a while and I hope everyone is hanging in there.    Things are pretty calm and we have made progress.  I say we, because it truly is the whole family.  Since I last posted, my daughter was given a new ADHD med and it has helped her tremendously.  She says it helps most with being focused while driving.  That's a good thing!  With that combined with the DBT therapy she seems much better.  We have been talking more about her illness and she tells me that she is not better, but is dealing with it in a better way.  She is managing it better.  This makes me sad and happy at the same time.  I want her to be better.  I know we all want that.  I am so proud of her for managing it and for having the courage to accept, but I'm sad that it has to be that way.  She has always wanted to do cosmetology and just didnt have the confidence to do it.  She looked in to different schools herself and went and toured one by herself!  The only advice I gave was DONT SIGN ANYTHING! Lol!  She did great.     She brought back all the financial information and we sat down and discussed it.  She loved going on the tour.  "Mom I told her about my situation without telling all my business!"  Something we have been working on.     She is set to start the next full time class in March.  I am happy but very nervous since it is like a full time job-9:00 - 5:00 Monday-Friday.  I am so worried that she can't do it, and money will be wasted, etc.  I have not said anything and only encouraged her.  I just don't think she can handle another failure :'(

[lbjnltx]

Hi Kellygirl!

So good to hear from you ... .  esp. with such good news about your d and her progress.


I hope that you can sit down as a family and discuss how to best support her during trying times... .  set her up for success. There will be challenges... .  how will she meet them and how can you help?

Keep us updated.

lbj

[vivekananda]

Hi Kellygirl!

Good to hear back from you 

Your dd seems to be showing insight, that's wonderful. We are all hoping that the good work will continue. I hope especially that the DBT therapy she has been doing continues to support her. I hope also that the techniques you have learnt continue to support you in your relationship with her.


Vivek    

[peaceplease]

Kellygirl,

I am so happy to hear your good news!

Is she still in DBT therapy?  Your dd has made such progress! 


peaceplease

[MammaMia]

Heronbird -

They constantly shoot themselves in the foot, don't they?  The thought of working is very stressful.  My ds 38 often talks himself out of applying for a job before he even explores whether or not it is an option.  Has to do with low self-esteem, I am sure, but then he beats himself up for being "unemployable" and worthless.  No job lasts for more than a few days.  He always leaves because people cause him lots of anxiety.

He has researched work-from-home jobs which may be the only way he can stay employed.  No face-to-face contact with people, and no one to compete with. He prefers jobs where he can work alone, and needs something where he can have a flexible schedule for those days when it is very difficult to function.

I just do not know what will happen.  He is not on disability and does not want to be... .  altho he has mentioned it several times in the past few weeks.  He is NC right now with me ... .    He told me he needs space and reduced stress to sort through employment options.  He often worries that nothing he does will ever be good enough for me.  So NOT true.  HE needs to do whatever pleases HIM --- I will support him no matter what.   But it is his decision.

Frustrating. 



   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kellygirl601]

Yes, she is still in DBT group.  She insists its not about the DBT.  I disagree, but whatever!  Since she drives now, it is her responsibility to go.  She has done well with it.  She thinks its dumb and the people there are stupid, .  But when she told them all about her plans for school, people in the group stopped her after class and told her how proud they were of her and how they knew she would do well.  I agree about setting up for success.  I'm not sure what I can do, but I told her to make a list of things I can do to help.  The good thing is, she seems very comfortable with the people there.  She knows a couple of girls that attend.  They take breaks throughout the day and she can take them when she wants, which is GOOD.  Thanks so much for all the support.