Is it ever wise to let a BPD Ex back into your life

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Since I went LC - my UBPD wife has started texting and calling alot more.  I generally don't answer the texts and let the phone calls goto voice mail.  She said she has never had any sexual contact (but still left her family for an EA).  If she does work on her issues is it wise to even consider alllowing her to get back into my life.  All the hurt and suffering, along with the things she said - I don't know if I can do it again.  I never want to go through this hell again. 

[cal644]

Since I went LC - my UBPD wife has started texting and calling alot more.  I generally don't answer the texts and let the phone calls goto voice mail.  She said she has never had any sexual contact (but still left her family for an EA).  If she does work on her issues is it wise to even consider alllowing her to get back into my life.  All the hurt and suffering, along with the things she said - I don't know if I can do it again.  I never want to go through this hell again. 

[mitti]

Generally no, judging from the testimonies on these boards.

I am undecided at the moment so I can't answer for myself, but I can say that in my case the cycles have continued since taking my uBPDbf back after he cut me out of his life without warning 2 years ago. I was in despair. I didn't think it possible to experience such emotional pain. He came back after 7 months. Still hell for a while with past hurts, PTSD etc. Then he changed, we both went for T and things got better, to a point. I am better equipped and he has made some significant changes but he is still panicky about emotional intimacy, he still goes through his cycles of push and pull as well as other BPD behaviors.

Without knowing your story, I would say your wife is suffering abandonment fears and that's why she has started contacting you. If you let her back in I am sure she would go back to her old self if she doesn't seek T for herself.

[seeking balance]

From what I have read on these boards - if you are going to go back, do it with a clear understanding of your own boundaries and make sure you leave your resentments behind.  The relationships that work tend to come from as much personal growth from the non as from the pwBPD - very equal work.

Since you can only change you - has your T helped you with detaching and setting realistic expectations and boundaries for you if you and your BPD get back together?

[morningagain]

From what I have read on these boards - if you are going to go back, do it with a clear understanding of your own boundaries and make sure you leave your resentments behind.  The relationships that work tend to come from as much personal growth from the non as from the pwBPD - very equal work.

Since you can only change you - has your T helped you with detaching and setting realistic expectations and boundaries for you if you and your BPD get back together?

cal644 - seeking balance has excellent advice here.  I was going to advise that you go beyond your boundaries and also determine your needs - what you are REALLY are not only willing to live with, but can live with.  However, until you determine your boundaries - or the way I think of it, your values, it is difficult to see what you can live with and have fulfillment and be healthy and be happy.  Even though I doubt my ability to hold my boundaries, I have had some small successes and I am learning them.  I have learned more about the disorder and what to expect as well.  All of this helps me to see more clearly what I can handle, what I can give and be healthy, what I need.  It just is not really possible for me to be in a healthy state and be able to cope if I am unhealthy due to my inability to cope.  For me, getting to know my values and leaning how I might stand on them regardless of the F.O.G. - the threats - my fears - helped me to get closer to the point that I CAN make a decision. 

The questions I have had to answer for myself are:  Can you be emotionally independent, or do you see your emotions riding the disorder-coaster?  If your emotions track with the chaos and pain and her emotions, will you be able to hold your boundaries in the face of your worst fears coming to pass?  Can you stand on your values when she confuses the issue by explaining/demanding that her needs outweigh your values and therefore your values are faulty?  Can you maintain your emotional independence when her slings and arrows strike home and hit your hurts, your fears?  What will be your response WHEN you hold your values and she violates your boundaries anyway - that is, what is/are the consequence(s) that YOU must follow through on?

After all that, I STILL haven't figured out exactly what I can live with - a loving relationship involves giving - and receiving.  What are my lower limits for what I am willing to receive?  What can I live with, what can I live without?  Just what can she really give?  Since it seems I have to hold back on the intensity of my positive emotions lest she become engulfed, can I live with that?

My answers will not be your answers.  The details of the questions will not be the same for me as they are for you.  Your ex is not the same is mine.  But nevertheless, I hope this helps.

[cal644]

That is excellent advise.  I think that's why I struggle - this is the first time I am aware of that she has went beyond my boundaries.  I have stayed firm the whole time - saying what my limits are and what my conditions are for us to even try to reconcile.  But she has refused and thrown in my face my boundaries and "controlling".  But I honestly beleive in my heart that 1. communication had to cease completely between them and 2. we needed to goto marriage counciling.  She considers these outragious and controlling.  I know where my values are and I know my conditions.  I don't think that those two are too demanding or controlling.  In a normal relationship people would be willing to do that.  Her answer to me was that she should say that she was willing to do those things but something is telling her not to.  19 years of a good marriage and your mind is telling you not to even work on it?  HMMMM

[seeking balance]

That is excellent advise.  I think that's why I struggle - this is the first time I am aware of that she has went beyond my boundaries.  I have stayed firm the whole time - saying what my limits are and what my conditions are for us to even try to reconcile.  But she has refused and thrown in my face my boundaries and "controlling". 

what of your boundaries does she consider controlling?

is any of this true?

But I honestly beleive in my heart that 1. communication had to cease completely between them and 2. we needed to goto marriage counciling.  She considers these outragious and controlling. 

marriage counceling rarely works - pwBPD need individual therapy and you need your own therapy.  Jointly, a family dbt program is recommended so both have the same toolbox of a skill set.

I know where my values are and I know my conditions.  I don't think that those two are too demanding or controlling.  In a normal relationship people would be willing to do that. 

you are here because you believe she is mentally ill... .  there is nothing normal about this relationship.  YOU will have to challenge your thinking and comfort zones.

Her answer to me was that she should say that she was willing to do those things but something is telling her not to.  19 years of a good marriage and your mind is telling you not to even work on it?  HMMMM

19 years of a good marriage for you perhaps... .  but again, with BPD - she likely has had many many times of unhappiness and shame. 

I know you are hurt that she has left, but the only think you can really do is work on you.  Start with not making it worse... .  I have seen other threads where you are not helping by your communication style.  If you think you want to work on this, really go to the staying board and work on your skills so you can be a proper partner to a pwBPD. 

Look to the right - choosing a path... .  have you been doing all of this?  There is a a lot of useful information on these boards that can help you besides posting.

Best,

SB

[Mike_confused]

hi all... .  

separated two and a half weeks.   Undiagnosed BPD wife had said she wanted a divorce before Christmas.  Her splitting and criticism increase from that point dramatically - obviously to get me to leave so she didn't have to tell me to.  I left on January 19th (have done this several times before).  She is in therapy supposedly to deal with the lifelong effects of her NPD mother.  Also sexual abuse by family friend at an early age.  I suspect the T has broadened the discussions into other topics.  I was told by my BPD wife that she now talks mostly about me in therapy.  I cause her stress.  I am making her ill.  I caused her gallbladder problems and fibromyalgia.   I cause her financial stress (I have a high paying professional job - she has not work since before we married).  You get the picture.

Additional history as I understand it:   she was married once before.  Got pregnant very quickly before the wedding.  He stayed with her a year and a half, then put her on an airplane north to her mother when she was 6 months pregnant with her second.  Ouch!    Couple years later starts seeing another guy.  She pursued him.  After several years HE buys a house and she moves in with him.   A year an a half later, he shuts the power, heat, phone and TV off and goes away.   She has no where to go with two young kids.   Flash forward a few more years... .  we start dating... .  date for 3 and 1/2 years and get married.  A YEAR AND A HALF into the marriage she descends on me like the 82nd airborne.  I make her sick, stress her out, as I said above.  I try to avoid arguing... .  she KNOWS the buttons to push.   Threatens to have sex with other guys because I supposedly neglect her - I am not with her every moment.  I am dazed and confused... .  cannot figure how to make her happy.  It is up and down without notice.

She gets into therapy.  She also joins a support group for recovery - I am not sure what she is recovering from yet - an her evangelical Christian church.  Although I am faithful, she maintains that I am a non-believer and a heathen, as if she is the gatekeeper on the interstate to Jesus.

A moth an a half ago she announces we should divorce after she has back surgery but that I should maintain the health insurance and continue to pay her bills until she has recovered and gotten a job.  As I described above, she clearly forced my hand and got me to leave.

OK, so there you have it if anyone is still reading!   After a few days I get messages that remind me there is no hope for the marriage.  I respond OK, sorry to hear that.  Within a short amount of time she then sends messages that tell me about the usual day to day stuff... .  car maintenance, utilities, groceries.   Bland daily life stuff.  She keeps me up to date.  She will then two days later remind that our marriage has no hope.  I respond with something to the effect... .  "OK, no kidding, you have said this many times".   A couple days later, back to messages about a doctor's visit and more daily life stuff.

What the heck?   Am I in or out?  I am ready to be out.  I am concerned that she is attempting to re-engage me with the day to day messages.  I also suspect that her painting me black is a twisted way of maintaining, or elevating her VICTIM STATUS among her friends, particularly those at church.   It seems to be a tactic similar to being in constant ill health (this woman is gorgeous and in great shape) in that it gathers more sympathy from anyone she perceives to be a good supplier.

Am I thinking straight or has she sent me out to lunch again?

[Mike_confused]

In my last paragraph above I may not have been clear:  I suspect she may be elevating her victim status by talking divorce with her friends at church and in support groups, as well as her therapist.   In order for her to justify a divorce she must make me all bad all the time.


Or maybe it is me.  Screw it.

[Traye]

Mike-

If you're ready to get out, then get out.  Most of us nons struggle with that decision and the surrounding feelings.  But if you can do it, then save yourself and go.  Ive read so many times on this board regarding how things never change with a pwBPD.  Take that to heart.  You deserve better.  Just my perspective.

[Mike_confused]

trcrock,

Thank you.  I am ready to get out - for peace and stability.  I love her very much and as I have read here countless times, she and I have had amazing experiences together.  And yet... .  she is KILLING me.  I do deserve better.  If I was nailed to a cross for her sins it would not be enough.

My real concern, as I expressed above, is that she is in a phase seeking attention and will sucker me back in.  The harbinger of this fear is what I attempted to describe:  the bland text messages and phone calls that "keep me up to date on whats going on".   I fear she is using this to keep me in tow rather than making a break for it.  I am worried I will be weak if and when she tries to reel me back in.  She has had success before with this.

[Traye]

We've all been reeled back in... .  multiple times for me.  I'm doing NC now, and that actually really, really helps.  Of course, I've been painted black and she wants nothing to do with me right now.  Will be more difficult to maintain NC next week/month whenever she decides she wants me back. But I'm trying to stand firm on NC.

Have you thought of NC?  Or even LC?

[Mike_confused]

I am definitely limited contact with her.  Has yours ever threatened divorce before?

[seeking balance]

Hey Guys - keep in mind this is the undecided board and please follow the guidelines accordingly... .  this is not the Leaving Board where NC is a detachment too.

[seeking balance]

I am definitely limited contact with her.  Has yours ever threatened divorce before?

Hey Mike - you are kinda hijacking Cal's thread - perhaps you should start your own before a MOD intervenes.

[Mike_confused]

Oh jeez.  I apologize.