In the silent treatment and working together - any advice, please?

[Tormenta]

 

I´ve posted a topic before, my bf got angry and he is giving me the silent treatment. Today it´s day 4.

Day 1 and Day 2 he contacted me very quickly, his last message was something like he needed space and an ambiguous "I´m not ignoring or leaving you but... .  " Day 3 and Day 4 no contact so far.  :'(

I´m OK, with some sandness and angst but it´s OK, as long as I´m by myself, with my friends, resting at my own home, etc. I think that the keys are: this board and the distance from him, having no contact.

The problem is that I´m a consultant and he works at the same office I have to work during the next two weeks, which means that from tomorrow I´ll be seeing him all day long, working and talking to the rest of the people, having coffee together, leaving the office together... .   



If I´m with him and our friends/colleagues taking coffee, for example, would you try to avoid the coffee break and stay away, would you join the conversation as if nothing happened?

What should I do? Can you give an advice, please?

:'(




I don´t think I can do it. Not only seeing him joking around with  the rest of the people as he was the happiest guy (last time he even organized a journey with my coworkers to his mother land, to stay at his mother´s home)  but ingoring me... .  all day long. All day long. This has happened before and it drove me mad because I want to be with him and he looks super happy and super social without me.   

And worse, the other times, after the silent treatment he started to address me being rude, to criticize me. He makes me feel a victim, I don´t like that, I want to keep on feeling that I´m in control this time.

Some experiences from other times: everytime one of my team members asked me anything, he didn´t let me answer, he yelled any answer himself, like isolating or invalidating me in front of my coworkers . Not much bad done because I´m close to my coworkers. 

Another classic is that when I get work in the morning, I find a bag on my table with things I left at his home, things like a brush or toothpaste, shampoo, a book... .  just that bag, no message, no words 

What I´m really scared it´s that the other times he acted the way that he was rejecting me everytime. This is it: I had to suffer his rejection, expressed in his weird actions, every single f**** way. 

It´s much easier to be rejected and that´s all: waiting in case he wants to make contact again or healing and getting healthy, but it´s tough to be rejected everyday.


I hope this time will be different, can you give me an advice? What would you do? Do you think that it´s better to ignore him? Be polite and that´s all? Ask him to stay at a distance? Try to talk about it?

I´m lost 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Peace4ME]

He is "pushing" you, part of the push pull cycle. He is also pushing your boundaries, but that is probably because you have not set them for yourself.

For example: I will not be in a relationship with someone who chooses to disappear and ignore me for days on end.

I know you said you don't want to give him control, but unfortunately he sounds like he has it. You have to decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with in a relationship and stick to it. It's not easy, because he probably wont like your boundaries and may push back even harder. But they are there to protect you, otherwise you may end up a doormat.

Good luck-

Peace

[laelle]

Its cruel and I wouldnt have any of it. Its also your choice if you want to continue the relationship.  I would vote no, and continue on with your own life.  You are worth more than that.

[Tormenta]

OK, I think that you are right, laelle.  :'(

Peace4me, the cycle of coming and leaving is a constant, I don´t expect that to change, we talk when he is OK but he feels that he can´t help it, that he sometimes he gets too hurt and he is out of control.

I thought this was a typical and normal behaviour for people with BPD, but as I am reading more and more... .  

thank you very much for your replies.

[laelle]

We teach others how to treat us.  You have to be willing to let go sometimes to take care of yourself.  I spoke of what I would do, but I would also have to live with my decision.  I should have advised you to read the tools as you are on the staying boards, but I find myself very bias when it comes to good people being treated badly.   

[elemental]

It's hard to live with those decisions.

He said that he was not leaving.

I would go quiet and give him a chance to calm himself down.

If/when, he reapproaches... use the tools you are learning here meantime.

One of the things about silent treatment is that they do it less when they see it has no power over you.

And the key to it not having power over you is to radically accept this is happening NOW and deal with the now as it is. Which means what can you do for yourself to occupy and take care of yourself so your focus is on you and not what he is doing.

This really works. Trust me. At first it is really hard, but take each day as it comes and within 3-4 days you will start to calm down too and can think more productively.

The idea is YOU get to be ok even if he is pulling his hair out and emoraging elsewhere. His problem, not yours!

[almost789]

Hi Tormenta,

It is normal for some BPD's to use silent treatment. Sometimes its intentional, sometimes not. Sometimes its just the way they cope. As he stated, he can't stop. In this case you should not take it personal. When setting boundaries, if you really want to stay with him. You have to make your boundaries reasonable. If he uses silent treatment as his way of coping, he's not going to stop because you made it your boundary. It's about deciding if the relationship is worth it to you to deal with the silent treatment? I can assure you though, if you set this as your boundary, and he has already told you he can't stop. He won't. The purpose of boundaries are not to modify his behavior. But to decide what you can and can not handle in order to continue in the relationship. If you make silent treatment a boundary for you and he breaks it and you continue to stay anyway. That is not a boundary. So, remember that if you set a boundary, it should be one you can live with if it requires you walk away when he crosses it, otherwise don't make it because its not really a boundary.

As far as how to deal with the silent treatment. Don't contact him, and don't let him know it bothers you AT ALL. Don't. If you do, he'll use it everytime. Don't react to it, he will come back around and you can pretend like you didn't even notice he was gone.

[AllyCat7]

I'm not actively engaged with my pwBPD at the moment (we're on a break of sorts... .  maybe fully broken up... .  not sure). Anyway, he used the silent treatment a LOT with me. Sometimes it was a form of punishment, sometimes because he was angry, and sometimes so he could talk to other girls he was rotating (towards the end this really got to me, which is why we are not speaking right now).

I'm a bit confused, though. There are two vastly different pieces of advice given here regarding silent treatment. One is to tell the person that you will not tolerate it and to leave the r'ship if it continues. And the second is to not even address it and not to tell them it bothers you. So which is it? Which works better? Or does it depend on each situation?

[laelle]

It all depends on the choices of the individual.  As being on the staying board for bpdfamily I guess the official advice would be that if you want to stay in the relationship to learn the tools to communicate more effectively with your BPD.  We all here have feelings for each other and can sympathize with each other more than ANYONE else can.  Its very hard to hear the sadness of our BPD family and not respond to it.  While i would not stay in a relationship with certain dynamics, someone else would, and we would both be right.

What are your needs? and what do you want out of the relationship?  If you want to stop being a victim then you would mostly likely detach with love and take care of yourself.  :)oing this, learning the tools, taking back control of you... .  if you decide to go back into the relationship you are a stronger you and have a good chance of not simply recycling the relationship but building a solid foundation.

It all starts with how much you love yourself and knowing that you dont have to sacrifice yourself for someone else.  Are they asking you to?

I didnt learn how to handle my BPD bf here, I learned how to deal with my own issues.  With the cobwebs cleared you can make better decisions for yourself.  You teach people how to treat you.  I want to be happy and healthy.  I will not stay in a relationship that greatly hampers my ability to have that.  Its what you can live with.

[almost789]

Silent treatment is abusive and invalidating and erodes your self esteem . Few people would stay in a relationship with someone who goes days, weeks or even months ignoring them. Its a built in coping mechanism for some people with BPD. If this is how they cope, it's not something they are going to just stop doing because it upsets you. You have to decide if your going to accept it or leave the person. If you decide to stay, then you'll have to find a way to not let it bother you. For my personal situation, I couldn't manage "staying" with someone who gives the silent treatment. If you stay, then most advice I've seen that will minimize and not maximize how often they do it is to not feed into it. Don't fall apart when they go silent and start chasing them, but rather use it as a break for yourself. Don't take it personally, realize the individual has poor coping response and you can't change that.

[Rockylove]

It all starts with how much you love yourself and knowing that you dont have to sacrifice yourself for someone else.  Are they asking you to?

I didnt learn how to handle my BPD bf here, I learned how to deal with my own issues.  With the cobwebs cleared you can make better decisions for yourself.  You teach people how to treat you.  I want to be happy and healthy.  I will not stay in a relationship that greatly hampers my ability to have that.  Its what you can live with.

Such sage advise!  I can see that most of us newcomers struggle with being clear in our boundaries and understanding what it is that keeps us happy and healthy.  The concept seems so simple looking from the outside in~~except to those of us who struggle with codependency issues. 

Some times a post just makes the little light go on... .  mine just did. 

[laelle]

Thank you Rocky.  It makes me feel so good inside to know I helped out.  I have gotten so much from so many here.  My  goes on all the time.  Im passing on all the good stuff ive learned through the kindness of others, with a little of my own experience added in.

My bf and I have a 2 day (unspoken:aka, he has no clue of, but has adjusted to  ) cooling down time and time for ourselves period when needed.  We stay LC during that time, but we rarely go more than a few hours without an email, even if its a snarky one.  I would not stay with a partner who was not willing to cooperate with me on this.  It shows respect for the relationship, caters to our abandonment issues, as well as helps to keep stability for both of us.  I learned to enjoy my own company vs being lonely and victimized.  Its a compromise that we have learned through knowing each others threshold of comfort in being apart. 

I dont know if this is a good thing, but it works beautifully for us.

[coworkerfriend]

Tormenta - I work with my pwBPD - we are partners in our own business.  It is incredibly challenging working together every day.  I watch him help our staff -joke around with our customer and then glare and rage at me.   I know how you feel. 

I wish I could give you some advise to make it easier.  It isn't easy.  I try to focus on tasks at work.  I try to play music in the background to drown out the thoughts in my head. I try to give him time and space to calm himself down. I try not to focus on his words.

It all starts with how much you love yourself and knowing that you dont have to sacrifice yourself for someone else.  Are they asking you to? I didnt learn how to handle my BPD bf here, I learned how to deal with my own issues.  With the cobwebs cleared you can make better decisions for yourself.  You teach people how to treat you.  I want to be happy and healthy. 


One of the main things I have been focusing on is exactly what laelle said above.  I want to be happy and healthy. I want to figure out what works for us.  I want to let go of the fear I have dealing with his emotional outbursts.  I want to build a solid foundation for both our professional and personal relationship.

Good luck and post here.  Sometimes I just need to get the words out of my head.  Reading the lessons and advise here has really helped to get a better understanding of both of us.

[Tormenta]

Thank you very much   it´s a lot to think and decide for me.

Yesterday he came to leave my car keys on my table without talking to me (he usually leave my stuff on the table when he breaks up with me) while I was away, I´d be angry and hurt like the other times but this time that I´m in control it didn´t bother me, it´s different: I think that it´s great to have my keys again.

I spotted him near my table having a break so I went and told him: "thank you for the keys. I need to tell you that I don´t like when you leave my things on my table without a note, an email or talking to me." He was all surprised and nervous, and said he hadn´t done that   very upset. I said: "OK, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, you were going to leave me a note but you forgot. It´s OK  " he became angry and left but I was happy that I had told him what upsets me during this space/breakup time.

After hours of knowing nothing of him, he came to my desktop after working hours to ask me if I was leaving home, so we could go back together as always.

I left with him, he was a little bit rude but we managed to have a polite conversation about nothing in particular, had some laughs. We went shopping to the grocery store and he was nice but weird - same story as always with the break ups- he was always showing rejection on purpose. For example, he didn´t wait me to pay, I was taking some olives and I saw him paying already without telling me anything - I thought he was even leaving without me, that´s the kind of things I don´t expect even in a friend, do you? Anyway, he was polite and waited in the exit for me. I approached to take a bag and he put his hands towards me saying: "hey, keep away, madam" thinking that I was too near him. 

things like that.

Then we left the store and he told me that we could go together to work in the morning but that he was waking up really early and when he wanted so I said "then no" and kissed him in the cheek. He was nice and left.

Today there is no change. I´m not chasing him and he is weird. I´m not going to chase him, not matter what happens. I can be OK if he needs space, it´s OK, he is not crossing aby bondaries, I understand that and it´s OK because I see that he really needs it, that he is really hurt and can´t control. But for me a boundary is having to have a time with him acting weird, rejecting me and, I don´t know, waiting for something so we stay together again? I mean, OK if he leaves, but if he wants to come back I hope he can do it by himself alone - (which is something I really doubt) because I need my energy to stay healthy and happy, like you say.

Let´s see what happens, it will find whatever happens, I know. Thanks!