Plz advice on returning to home country with my children

[sosodestroyed]

Now that my sociopath husband has been arrested for Lews and Valiscious acts with my daughter, there is not hope for this marriage. He has been arrested before for domestic violence, was ordered parenting classes and angermanagement, which he did (did it help? NO)... .  

My husband and I build together a business, I have worked there pretty much the whole time while taking care of the children. I am originally from Europe, Netherlands. I had just been to my home country taking care of my gravely ill mother, I just received the news that treatments will be stopped and its a matter of time now... .  

I have no family here, not really friends as I was in a way isolated. I worked in the business together with husband and took care of the kids and the house and the books... .  I have a had a little job when it was a difficult financial time to pull us through.

When I got back last week from my home country, my daughter was so brave (9yrs) to tell me what dad has done the acts with her and I notified authorities, he got arrested again and bailed out.

We have restraining orders in place and I will file for divorce ofcourse. I want to know how soon can I go back to my home country, its obvious that I am done, I have no support here, no family and a neighbour and that is it... .  

I am ready to kiss it all goodbye, the store, all we own, I want my kids and my freedom, and get back asap, what are my rights in this?

for your information I am in CA

[ForeverDad]

My understanding is that the material and financial marital assets are split equally.  I think the business and its accounts would qualify as marital assets.  Even if your spouse has kept control of the accounts and access, likely half is yours.  You should get legal advice on all this, filing for divorce, how soon you can move away, access to the family's accounts, how to get child support, etc.  This site focuses on peer support and us non-professionals can't give legal advice.  What we can share is what worked for us versus what didn't work for us, and ways to try to avoid the pitfalls and common missteps in extricating yourself from an imploded relationship.

Meanwhile, gather up all the documents, statements and other paperwork that you can find.  If you don't feel safe taking the originals, make copies.  At the very least try to get all the institution names and account numbers of all the bank, credit and debit accounts.  Once he finds out you're contemplating divorce he may try to hide as much money as possible and cover his tracks by destroying the records.  For all you know he may have been doing it already for many years.

If the children have birth certificates, visas, passports or other hard-to-replace documents, guard them well.  If he demands them, then find out whether you can entrust them with your lawyer for safekeeping or to be held in escrow.

From what you have read here, write down your questions and concerns.  If you go to your consultation appointment without an outline of the issues and concerns, you'll likely forget some important questions to ask.  Also, it might be smart to seek a couple more legal consultations.  The first lawyer you meet may not be the adequate for your circumstances.

One question it would be good to pose to the lawyer... .  "If you {Mr. Lawyer} were facing a divorce case like mine, who are some of the {affordable} lawyers you would seek out to handle your case?"  If you get a few consultations and you see some names repeated on that list - and some names they tell you to skip - then you could feel reasonably confident in choosing a lawyer (1) you feel comfortable with and (2) you can trust to represent you well.

[Louise7777]

Id tell you to pay special attention regarding the kids. I understand hes the father, right? So you need his consent to take them to Holland, otherwise you can face kidnapping charges. I understand laws are different in every country, but in mine, you cant take a child out of the country without the other parents consent. You need a lawyer to help you.

[livednlearned]

It may take a while for your divorce to work its way through the family court system. If you need to return to the Nederlands sooner than that, and have to take the children, you can (with a lawyer's help) ask for the court's permission to travel home. When you go before the judge, you will ask to post bond -- it's a form of insurance guaranteeing that you will return with the children.

I suspect Nederlands are part of the Hague Convention -- that just means it's a country that signed a treaty saying it would opt to participate in different rules about how international child abduction cases are handled. Every country opts in to different rules. I'm from Canada, living in the US. There have Canadian cases where parents are escorted back to the US with the children when abduction charges are substantiated. No country wants to jeopardize it's relationship with another based on this kind of thing, so they'll make sure you return to your US residence.

Your longer term goal is to go for sole custody, or whatever the equivalent is in your state. In my state, I've filed for sole legal custody, which gives me the ability to travel back to Canada with S11 without permission from N/BPDx. That's what you want. That also gives you authority to get passports for your kids because in the US, you cannot get them without your husband's signature/permission.

International divorces with pwBPD are extra crappy. I had the foresight to make sure that N/BPDx agreed to give me permission to travel home to Canada once a year. He agreed in mediation. But then he wrote a two-page letter of consent that was b@tsh!t crazy, and filed it with the police department in my parents' hometown. It costs a lot of money to fly to Canada (about $900) from where I am, and the last thing I want is to find out he has put an alert out with US or Canadian customs about me. It's already stressful and expensive to travel, much less give him the royal satisfaction of having me detained at the border. So I haven't been home in 2.5 years. Like you, my biggest worry is that my parents will fall ill and I won't be able to fly back there with S11. And I don't want him staying with someone here in case that jeopardizes their safety.

It's a mess.

But there are a lot of things in your case that may speed up the court system. Prior DV, allegation from your daughter, anger management, etc. The judge may grant you sole custody. In my case, I basically had to accrue points on a leaderboard, to use an analogy. N/BPDx imploded when we got into the court system, and his behavior was documented by third party professionals involved in our case. That's how my case started to turn in my favor. Yours is already working in your favor, so you have an advantage.

Do some research about Hague Convention and the Nederlands. And see if you can find some language to put before the judge about posting bond so you can travel. And whatever you do, make sure you assure the judge that you are not a flight risk! Don't say that you have no friends and family here, or that you have no money and no reason to stay. That's a red flag.

And it's probably not something that needs to be said, but I'll say it anyway: kids who are abducted suffer tremendously. The isolation from hiding (the parent has to move a lot and hide under the radar) is no life for a kid, or for a parent, and the research shows again and again how traumatizing it is. Judges know that. They don't want kids being subjected to molestation OR abduction. Both are equally damaging, so they need proof or incentives that show you are going to stay put. 

[sosodestroyed]

Thanks! Netherlands is part of the Hague Convention, I had already looked that up the last time I was there and had the kids with me, the kids begged me not to go back, I looked into it and found out what you are telling me here. That I can not stay without being in front of a judge giving me the okay or whatnot... .  

Now like you said we have the lewd acts from dad with my D9 and still probation from 2011 for S11. I probably won't make it in time anyways as I just received news that my mother is not receiving any treatments anymore and that her passing is near... .  

I understand that long term custody is my goal, but boy is this a crappy situation or what?

I have no acces to the business banking, have no numbers its all at the store, saved in my laptop that I use for the books, his creditcard, no acces to it, other then maybe the mail if he has not changed it, I better not open it, that would be considered a felony as well I believe... .  

I am soo lost at all this, I gave him the last couple months over $2000 in cash, one for a downpayment on a vehicle that he purchased, and 500 for a months rent on a business building and then this last sunday 1000 dollars from a ticket that I received from my mom. He used that 1000 dollars to post bail together with what he had on him.

You must think I have lost my mind when I tell you that I signed his bail for a $100.000,- I made that a business decision, with him in jail we would have lost the business and my 10 years worth of work in that business as well. So I figured he better be back at work and making sure I still have something when he is still making money.

He has put little amounts in the personal shared account. Maybe I should call the bailbonds man and ask him how much he has paid yesterday, or maybe have my lawyer do that to proof that is having wads of cash at all times... .  

I am soo tired, saying goodbye to my mom was though a week and half ago, finding out that he used my daughter, I feel like we were tossed out in the trash... .  left to fend for ourselves. I have a little job back but that is only 15 hrs a week and crappy pay, but hey its something... .  

[livednlearned]

I really feel for you 

Yes, it's a crappy situation, it is what binds all of us together here on bpdfamily.com, unfortunately.

Have you contacted your DV center to see if there is legal aid for women in your position? It's very common for DV victims to be isolated like you are, and DV centers know that. They know that you'll need help paying for a lawyer, and they'll know which judges are good, which ones not so much, etc. The international part is going to be an outlier for them, so do as much research as you can (and it sounds like you've done that). In my case, the judge and the lawyers just didn't seem to understand why their word in court wasn't enough -- I need sole legal custody, not a line in my divorce decree that says N/BPDx has to give me permission. They don't understand international stuff, and it would have helped me to have someone knowledgeable there to make sure the judge knew what I was asking for. It gave me no choice but to go for sole legal custody, and when you're co-parenting with someone disordered, who wants total control, that just means spending buckets of money.

I know it's hard right now, but it's probably the hardest it will be. Once you are apart from him, it will get slowly better. I am so sorry that your mother is ill -- that really puts you in an extremely difficult position emotionally. Big hug to you 

But you got your D out of that awful situation, and you're getting out too. It will be hard for a while, but one day you'll realize that you did it, you got out, and you are doing fine, maybe even great. It's what happened to me, and it happens to many women (and men) who have been in abusive relationships.

Keep posting -- lots of people here care, and will have good advice and support for you. It helps to know you're not alone 

[sosodestroyed]

Tnx, I know what you are saying, but today... .  I am not feeling it, that it will get better from here :-( I have asked my DV shelter and they have pointed me to the self help center at the court in a town half an hour driving away... .  can not spend the gas on it, tomorrow going to that same town but on friday the self help center is closed. I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle... .  breath breath breath... .  

[ForeverDad]

Ponder this... .  Ask for a legal opinion on this... .  If a divorce or custody case is not pending, can you travel with the children and not require his stamp of approval?  Likely you didn't need written permission before, you both had equal but unspecified parenting rights.  So if you travel with the children before the case is filed, that might be okay.  (Edit: read next post, possibly can't do this.)  Then could you, once away for the family emergency, file from a distance through your attorney?  Doing so might expose you to risk of him not complying with the bail requirements or him liquidating the business.

Ask a lawyer about his data sitting on your computer.  If his user account is password protected, there are programs, both free and for purchase, that can identify or reset system passwords.  Ask a lawyer for guidance.

This probably is not a good time to feel timid and default to inaction.  Here are a few quotes sometimes made here... .  

• The mis-behaving person seldom faces consequences while the well-behaving person seldom gets credit.



• It's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

The point is that while he may face consequences for a major no-no such as serious child abuse, odds are he won't face punishment for hiding money or other lesser infractions.  Same goes for you.  If you look at his emails or accounts, likely it would never rise to the level of charges against you since a spouse accessing or even hacking the other spouse's accounts probably isn't pursued as actionable, the authorities have bigger things to handle than petty complaints.  (Of course, get legal advice about that first.)

Hmm, come to think of it, if you do take money from marital accounts - and I'm assuming the business is considered joint or marital as far as family court is concerned? - he could howl all he wants if you withdraw money but probably the only long term consequence is that later when the financials are determined (near the end of a divorce case) and it turns out you took more than your share then you'd have to return the excess taken.  Lawyers would go ho-hum, that's a minor concern, compared to other bigger issues, in the grand scheme of things.

And stop giving him money.  Now that he's out and has access to the business he should repay you.  He should be giving you money for spousal support or at least child support.  But no one will force him to pay anything until a court makes an order about that.

[livednlearned]

Ponder this... .  Ask for a legal opinion on this... .  If a divorce or custody case is not pending, can you travel with the children and not require his stamp of approval?  Likely you didn't need written permission before, you both had equal but unspecified parenting rights.  So if you travel with the children before the case is filed, that might be okay.  Then could you, once away for the family emergency, file from a distance through your attorney?  :)oing so might expose you to risk of him not complying with the bail requirements or him liquidating the business

Unfortunately, parental consent for international travel with minor child is required even during marriage. It's that way in my country, and I believe that is standard.

I think you can also move freely within the US before you file, but once there is an active case, I think that changes (depending on the state, perhaps?)

[sosodestroyed]

I have traveled with the kids in 2011 to the Netherlands, they went with their US passports and I on my Dutch. Kids have dual nationality, but, I never got the paperwork filed because he really felt they did not needed to establish Dutch Citizenship. Anyways, I had consent with me when I traveled, just out of precaution, not knowing if he would file charges and me having my behind covered. Customs looked at it funny, said that I didn't needed it and that they had never seen it before as well... .  really!

[sosodestroyed]

Forgot to add, I have the feeling he is re-routing the mail... .  to his business address since I have not received anything for days now... .  strange. I ordered the book Splitting, oh well at least he knows I am serious now. I am joking now, but it does worry me that he might been re-routing the mail.

I have no computers here in the house that he has been on, he is a computer engineer, so he would not have a problem hacking my accounts but I have not seen flags yet that I get emails that someone is trying to access my accounts... .  I feel I have to be running 100 steps ahead of him and he is so frikkin smart too! But then again, not so smart either that he would think he would get away with the abuse during my absence.

[ForeverDad]

Go to the post office Now!  Find out if a forwarding notice has been filed.  If so, get copies of what they have on file, you may need that documentation later.  Likely he's got all the mail being forwarded, both his and yours.  Either cancel it or at least block your mail in YOUR NAME from being forwarded.  The staff there will help you.  You have possession of the residence.  You live there.  You have a right to get your mail at your residence.

Bring with you some past bills, statements or envelopes showing your address when you go to the post office, they may require some proof that you have lived there.

Not sure what to do about bills and such.  If they're in his name, they would get forwarded, maybe that's okay, but what if he didn't pay and you never found out until getting served notices... .  

Sit down and make a list of all the bills that usually come each month or periodically.  Mortgage, home insurance, real estate taxes if owned.  Car payments, registrations, insurance, etc.  Health insurance, life insurance, federal, state & local tax filings, etc.  Water, sewer, electric, gas, phones, cell phones, internet services, cable or satellite, etc.  Monitor their status.

[sosodestroyed]

Go to the post office Now!  Find out if a forwarding notice has been filed.  If so, get copies of what they have on file, you may need that documentation later.  Likely he's got all the mail being forwarded, both his and yours.  Either cancel it or at least block your mail in YOUR NAME from being forwarded.  The staff there will help you.  You have possession of the residence.  You live there.  You have a right to get your mail at your residence.

Bring with you some past bills, statements or envelopes showing your address when you go to the post office, they may require some proof that you have lived there.

Not sure what to do about bills and such.  If they're in his name, they would get forwarded, maybe that's okay, but what if he didn't pay and you never found out until getting served notices... .  

Sit down and make a list of all the bills that usually come each month or periodically.  Mortgage, home insurance, real estate taxes if owned.  Car payments, registrations, insurance, etc.  Health insurance, life insurance, federal, state & local tax filings, etc.  Water, sewer, electric, gas, phones, cell phones, internet services, cable or satellite, etc.  Monitor their status.

I have been paying those with the little money he had left me with, the only thing I can't afford is the registration of the car, I drive it, but its in his name, I can't be without it, I need it to shuttle the kids back and forward to school and get to my little "pooky" job I have already payed for the smogging, but he will have to pay the registration fee... .  somehow... .  I just hope I am not getting pulled of the road with expired tags 

All other maill that belongs to him, I have forwarded through a pastor so he could have it, same with a bag of clothes, his personal belongings and such... .  

[sosodestroyed]

oh and rent of course, no money for rent either... .  

[ForeverDad]

You can do only so much with limited resources.  So prioritize.  If he has the family's money/income, then have him pay the rent and other big bills.

Be sure you have a list of issues written down when you have consultations.  Include your dilemma with the expired car registration, the lawyer will agree you can't risk getting cited or the car impounded.

Read the list off to the attorney.  He will say... .  important, can wait, can wait, urgent, can wait, important, cancel it, etc.

Realize that right now it seems like a mountain of obstacles.  We understand that.  Let the lawyer help you prioritize them so you just focus on a shorter list of the most urgent things first.  That way it can be manageable.  No matter how impossibly bad it seems now, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The priorities are you and your children.  Forget about worrying about him, I think you realize that now of course.  But the business is not at the top of your list.  Yes, you want to get something out of it for those past years of effort and sacrifice, if possible, but keep in mind that you and your children are far more important than some money.

Don't forget to hug your kids tonight and every night.